Would you give [betrayed spouse] details of the affair if asked?

[Chica80]

I think you already know the truth. Doesnt matter what anyone tells you in the end you will choose what you want to believe.

[merrmeade]

I TOTALLY get the obsession with the details to uncover whatever other lie he's telling you.

 

I've told you that I tried to get it out of the OW but never got confirmation of anything, hardly even a remark. She was in lawyer mode and not about to incriminate herself.

 

So what I did was dig through all the records that exist and learned a great deal from all the credit card and bank statements: gifts (not to me) and a timeline of where he was when by looking at debit card purchases. The other thing I did was collect ALL the emails and text messages I could. Even though they're deleted, they can be retrieved and read on your computer.

 

If all you're doing is corroborating what your husband told you to help you decide, then try sleuthing yourself. I don't think you're going to get satisfaction with this route; just more heartache.

[Müun]

Thanks for this. I have decided to stay if he’s honest with me. Otherwise I will leave him. This puts me in a terrible situation Because he’s financially dependent on me at the moment so having to kick him out of the house makes me feel bad. This is why I am trying to be sure about what i’m Doing. He’s the father of my child after all.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. It is clear by your many posts that you’re yearning for answers and truth and you obviously don’t feel like you can get that from your husband. Shouldn’t that alone be reason enough to leave and move on with your life?

 

But to answer your question, when I confessed the affair to the BS, I answered all of her questions 100% honestly. I even continued to to answer all of her questions for another day after the original confession. I showed her texts, photos and videos. When I confessed, I thought I was done with him so maybe that’s why I was completely honest. I didn’t have an ulterior motive. I didn’t want him anymore after what he did so I didn’t hold back but I also didn’t embellish. I don’t think anything I said did anything other than hurt the BS bc she stayed with him thinking they could reconcile. The information was just something she continued to obsess over and drive herself crazy with until he finally left.

 

You need to decide if knowing more will help or only hurt you. If you’ve decided to stay with him then let it go. Only dig for more if you plan to actually do something if additional information/lies are discovered. Otherwise, you’re just adding pain and misery to yourself. Good luck to you.

[wmacbride]

The first woman you said is now on another country and it was in the beginning of your relationship. You said their relationship was physical, she apologized, it was over. Now you want to go back and get answers. She probably isn't answering you because she has moved on from that chapter of her life and doesn't want to open it.

 

Chances are that the second woman either doesn't want the drama. She feels she owes you nothing, that you are choosing to stay with a man that cheated on you so deal with it. She doesn't sound like the remorseful and type.

 

At the end of the day your husband is the only one to blame. He cheated on you with two different women. He made vows to you, not them. They didn't owe you anything. He did.

 

No there's a pat answer if I ever heard one.

 

I find it quite disingenuous when an ow, no matter how long ago, feels she is any position to gripe if and when the bs contacts her for information. As the saying goes " he who calls the tune must pay the piper".

[wmacbride]

his is just my opinion, but I doubt you'll get an honest answer.

 

There is a real catch 21 here. An ow who will gladly crow to you about the A is likley not exactly trustworthy. i would place any value on what comes out of her mouth.

 

If it's an ow who was lied to by the mm and told he was single, if the A was long ago or if the ow feels remorseful, then you may get an honest answer.

 

One thing to always keep in your mind is that an ow has shown,by her actions, that she is okay with lying( assuming she knows the guy she is seeing is married and hasn't been lied to and told he was single) to rationalize her behavior.Her answers may well be more lies.

 

Also, given how some ow will always continue to place all the blame for the A on the married man, there's even less chance you are going to get an honest answer.

[Müun]

I agree with you and the previous reply and I was naive to think I could in any way spark some remorseful or at least human feelings here given the character involved. But I really thought I could because I know for certain that she got back in touch with him after she was left for another one one month before the wedding, which she and her family had paid for as the tradition wants here. I pity her and her, sorry, she’s ugly and basic and needed and ego boost, my husband in the other end is terribly insecure and used to self medicate his feelings however he can ( spending too much, seuperficial relashionships, drugs in the past) and the **** happened. I can use all my empathy here to try to forgive both, just to feel better myself, but I feel bad for not getting back at her and hurt her feelings like she tried to do with me. Anyway you were all right, not a good idea to expect a person that is ok with taking part in something so painful for someone else, especially Because there’s a small child involved, to do the right thing. Hope she gets some nasty std.

his is just my opinion, but I doubt you'll get an honest answer.

 

There is a real catch 21 here. An ow who will gladly crow to you about the A is likley not exactly trustworthy. i would place any value on what comes out of her mouth.

 

If it's an ow who was lied to by the mm and told he was single, if the A was long ago or if the ow feels remorseful, then you may get an honest answer.

 

One thing to always keep in your mind is that an ow has shown,by her actions, that she is okay with lying( assuming she knows the guy she is seeing is married and hasn't been lied to and told he was single) to rationalize her behavior.Her answers may well be more lies.

 

Also, given how some ow will always continue to place all the blame for the A on the married man, there's even less chance you are going to get an honest answer.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that this should not really be about the type of women these OWs are/were.

We can bash them all night if we want, but the real issue is the poor quality and low character of your husband.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sure. Whatever she wanted to know. Why wouldn't I? I'd never reach out but I've love the chance to set the record straight.

[mercy]

Sure. Whatever she wanted to know. Why wouldn't I? I'd never reach out but I've love the chance to set the record straight.

 

Yes, but you're a rare bird.

 

OP, look inside yourself and ask, why am I with this man, how does being with him bring you happiness and peace. I understand that in this moment there isn't a lot of joy but in the past and in the future is he capable of being a man you can lean on and trust?

[cocorico]

If my H’s xW had contacted me to ask about the A, would I have given her details? Of course not! Our R was none of her business, just as her R with him was none of mine.

 

If he hadn’t dumped her, and was wanting to reconcile with her, would I feel differently? Nope, I’d tell her to speak to him. Nothing I could do or say should change her (hypothetical) decision on whether or not to reconcile. All the proof in the world can’t convince someone who doesn’t want to see, and an absolute absence of proof likewise won’t sway someone convinced. Ultimately, if reconciliation is on the table, the BW needs to decide if they’re willing to take the risk - it is always a risk - and trust the WS enough to give R a go. And the WS has to convince, through words and actions, that they’re remorseful, that they’ve changed, that they now respect the BS and that they won’t relapse.

 

In he OP’s case, the WS has been unfaithful twice. The extent of the infidelity is in question - but the fact that he was unfaithful twice, with two different women, at two points in the M, is not. To me, that’s of greater concern than whether he actually stuck any of his body parts in any of hers. He was willing to cross the line on more than one occasion, with more than one woman, despite having a wife and small child. Everyone has a different line in the sand, but I’m wondering where the OP’s is - 3 As with 3 OW? 20 As with 20 OW? As many as he wants, as long as he claims the Clinton excuse (it’s not cheating unless a penis enters a vagina)?