heartbroken and lost

[BourneWicked]

I completely understand where you're at. I'm in a similar not-great place of limbo. And my situation is the same - we were much closer last year than this. I got messages about him missing me, and wishing we were closer. But it doesn't mean anything.

 

Yes, that's exactly it... it's hard to see this person as close to you, or part of a real relationship, when they can't be there for the most important moments of your days. In some ways, this pain may be healthy, bursting that affair bubble to show you reality.

 

"Flimsy and cruel" are perfect words to describe it. There have been times when I've thought, if I got in a car accident, or something happened to one of my family members, AP wouldn't even know it until I didn't show up at work and he asked around to hear what happened to me.

 

In a normal friendship, you can call the person, talk to them, and see how they're doing when you're thinking of them or worried. This, with its' layers of secrecy and excitement, does not leave room for the attention or care allowed in a normal friendship. Even though it seems so intimate, you're actually able to be much closer to individuals who are truly just friends.

 

Sorry about your family troubles. Like you, I hope I continue making the better decisions I've been working on in 2018, and that this is nothing but a bittersweet memory by this time next year.

[Vivir]

kick_theleaves, I have been meaning to respond to your most recent post. I read despair in your words, and just wanted to offer you a hug:

 

(((kick_theleaves)))

 

Also it would mean that I would be miserable, single, life in ruins and watching AP carry on her relationship. I don't know how I would get through that. I'm scared of all of it.

 

... Scared to face up to my inner truths.

 

... I guess as we have got closer emotionally and got more honest with each other, the illusion has started to break. We swapped gifts and have been in touch but it's just awful having someone so close in your life in one way, but not being able to share any meaningful days with them. We spent NYE together last year as a group of friends which was in itself a bit of a disaster but knowing that I couldn't see her at all this year was quite sobering and made me realise how flimsy and cruel all this really is.

 

I spent the entire evening picturing AP and her partner having a lovely evening and sharing a new year's kiss and telling each other how much they love each other. I made myself feel sick, but it's the truth and I need to keep thinking it.

 

I hope I can find the strength to make changes 2018 so that I'm not right back here next Jan 1st, feeling even worse.

 

These things you mentioned above stood out to me.

 

You are miserable. You are already watching your AP carry on with her SO, as is normal. You are afraid of these things, but you are already experiencing them. Affairs are one of those painful events that very often forces us to face our inner demons. It seems to me that these inner truths and inner demons are showing themselves to you despite you struggling to keep them at bay. Moreover, I understand that the painful experiences would be quite different and very intense if you were to break up with your SO, but really, you would just be trading one pain for another...

...facing these things that are lurking behind the shadows, just beneath the surface, will change you. It might change you for the better, who knows? But you are currently miserable. What are you going to do about it?

 

I think it is OK to be afraid. I think it is OK not to know which path is the "right" one. This is when you have to be still and consider all avenues.

 

Because eventually, you will need to take some action before one is forced upon you. Maybe your inaction will cause further detriment to your mental health, which may end up making you physically sick. Maybe prolonging the inevitable means someone will find out and you won't be able to better control the frame. Maybe things will just stay the same... Who knows? But you will have to do something about it eventually, whether that is internal or external or both.

 

I, too, hope you will find the mental strength to do what you need to do in 2018 so that we don't have this same conversation this time next year. But if we do, that is OK, too, because we have to do things in our own time sometimes.

 

Until you can make the changes necessary, I wish you strength and I wish you peace.