Dating a man that wants to move away...

[wintersl33p]

The guy seems ambitious enough. He was already looking outside of your town when you two first met, so I'm guessing that he was fully prepared to have something short-term before he left. I was in a similar situation once. I told the lady that I was moving within 6 months and thought the relationship was going very well, she was in no position to move and neither of us were interested in a LTR. I ended it for both of us and I didn't date anyone for the next 5-6 months up to the day I moved.

 

Yes, he is ambitious and has always been independent since he was a teenager. Life circumstances forced him to. How did she take the breakup, knowing it was going so well up until then?

[wintersl33p]

Look at it this way . . . would you begin a road trip to Disney World and take a road that you knew would bring you to a cliff 500 miles into the journey?

 

not trying to convince him to stay -- Everything you said before this statement, IMO, is blah, blah, blah. That is what you are hoping for. You need to convince yourself to let him go. By hanging on, you are hoping he will change his mind and, even though you might think you're not clinging to him, you will be and it will come out in ways you don't realize.

 

Two months is too soon to be so wrapped up in a guy anyway. Sticking this out will only be filled with anxiety and questioning all the way up to the day he leaves.

 

At one point he asked if it were easier for me to cut ties now -- He is telling you you should end it. He won't do it. He's letting you string yourself along.

 

If he's any kind of a man and he realizes how attached you are to him, he will take the decision away from you and end this himself now. If he doesn't, you shouldn't allow yourself to be strung along.

 

I know at this point I'm talking in circles. Will it probably blow up in my face if I continue to be fully invested? Probably. You guys must think I'm foolish, and I don't disagree. I'm tired of keeping everyone at arm's length though, of not allowing myself to feel things that only a handful of people get to feel and experience. I think I'd rather take that any day than to never feel anything like it ever again. Of course I'd prefer him not to go. I'm well aware that I've already begin to have strong feelings for him. The fact that I had to post on this forum shows how much I struggled with this. I realize 2 months is pretty soon, and I guess I am kinda mourning the potential that was there.

 

Yes, I realize he probably won't take the lead now that he knows where I stand. At one point I think he started to make the decision for me, but we talked more and just settled into this limbo. We both agreed to keep it going for now, so I know I am just as responsible for this as he is. It really helps to see everyone else's perspective. A few days ago I was completely lost. I understand everyone's point of view and really appreciate the input.

[Cookiesandough]

Not everyone puts priority on dating. LS is full of romantics, but it needs to be noted that not everyone is like this. To some people, their job(livelihood) comes first, then romantic relationships. You've been dating a couple months and if situation was different he may very well been in a place where he was able to commit to this but I understand where he's coming from. Things may not pan out to where he will be able to keep seeing you if he is looking everywhere for what best works for him. Perhaps he doesn't believe in the 'one'. Particularly when you have a lot of options you start to believe less in this concept of a "one true connection" and you start looking at things practically. You can say : my career comes first, and once I get settled in that, I can start looking for another person. That won't be hard, because I have no problem finding people and bountiful options. A lot of times what is practical is a huge part of attraction because this person is going to enrich your life and contribute to your overall goals in life instead of making you have to go out of your way and work around them. It's about ease.

 

tldr; This is probably going to fizzle out if he gets a job far away so he is telling you straight up what his priorities are.

Edited November 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Highndry]

Even after just 2 months of dating? I see what you're saying, and I'm the same way. I just realize it takes longer than others to know that's the case.

 

2 months is a fair amount of time to get to know someone. If I felt a strong connection then I would include you in the conversation about potential outcomes for me/us. If he's not, I just don't think he's that into you.

[Redhead14]

I know at this point I'm talking in circles. Will it probably blow up in my face if I continue to be fully invested? Probably. You guys must think I'm foolish, and I don't disagree. I'm tired of keeping everyone at arm's length though, of not allowing myself to feel things that only a handful of people get to feel and experience. I think I'd rather take that any day than to never feel anything like it ever again. Of course I'd prefer him not to go. I'm well aware that I've already begin to have strong feelings for him. The fact that I had to post on this forum shows how much I struggled with this. I realize 2 months is pretty soon, and I guess I am kinda mourning the potential that was there.

 

Yes, I realize he probably won't take the lead now that he knows where I stand. At one point I think he started to make the decision for me, but we talked more and just settled into this limbo. We both agreed to keep it going for now, so I know I am just as responsible for this as he is. It really helps to see everyone else's perspective. A few days ago I was completely lost. I understand everyone's point of view and really appreciate the input.

 

I guess I am kinda mourning the potential that was there. -- BINGO. You aren't in love with this guy, you're in love with the idea/vision you want/have for yourself and well before you even have had a real opportunity to evaluate that potential. A fisherman gets really excited when a fish nibbles the bait. He starts imagining how big the fish is, how it would look on his mantle, etc. And, more often than not, even if the fish bites, it's a little sunfish Let this one go.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Yes, he is ambitious and has always been independent since he was a teenager. Life circumstances forced him to. How did she take the breakup, knowing it was going so well up until then?

 

She was disappointed. I was too. Just another example of meeting the right person at the wrong time. But we're both realists and knew that neither could make a sacrifice as large as either staying for someone or packing up and leaving for someone. Our relationship at that juncture was not established enough to consider those possibilities.

 

I feel neither is yours.

[wintersl33p]

Not everyone puts priority on dating. LS is full of romantics, but it needs to be noted that not everyone is like this. To some people, their job(livelihood) comes first, then romantic relationships. You've been dating a couple months and if situation was different he may very well been in a place where he was able to commit to this but I understand where he's coming from. Things may not pan out to where he will be able to keep seeing you if he is looking everywhere for what best works for him. Perhaps he doesn't believe in the 'one'. Particularly when you have a lot of options you start to believe less in this concept of a "one true connection" and you start looking at things practically. You can say : my career comes first, and once I get settled in that, I can start looking for another person. That won't be hard, because I have no problem finding people and bountiful options. A lot of times what is practical is a huge part of attraction because this person is going to enrich your life and contribute to your overall goals in life instead of making you have to go out of your way and work around them. It's about ease.

 

tldr; This is probably going to fizzle out if he gets a job far away so he is telling you straight up what his priorities are.

 

WOW cookie... thanks for your insight. It's a lot different than what I've been reading here and has really made me think. He is the kind of person that has many options at his finger tips... he is also a successful, smart, and a good looking guy. I don't think he will have problems finding someone else when he wants to. And he is a really practical person, I think that's the view he is looking at this as well. Comes with his scientist background I suppose. LDR wouldn't be easy and maybe that is also the reason why it's not an attractive option to someone that is career minded. He didn't say he was moving specifically for a career, but that he wanted to live elsewhere as well because he's only ever know this place.

[wintersl33p]

She was disappointed. I was too. Just another example of meeting the right person at the wrong time. But we're both realists and knew that neither could make a sacrifice as large as either staying for someone or packing up and leaving for someone. Our relationship at that juncture was not established enough to consider those possibilities.

 

I feel neither is yours.

 

Right person, wrong time. Think I know what all those songs are talking about now.

[hippychick3]

Maybe I'm the fool here, maybe it won't last. Even against my logical side, I still want to spend time with him. I appreciate all the advice here and realize I'm the one who's more invested and am getting the short end of the stick here. When we first started dating, he was looking at ~200 miles for jobs, and that would be a few hours commute. He even asked me if I was interested in living in those cities. At the time, we hardly knew each other so I wasn't aware he was going to use this information to vet me later on. So, it sounds like it was that way from the start with you and your bf. Even though it was early, did he bring it up? Did you have hesitations at all when the topic did come up?

 

We had an intense month and a half like you up until he told me he was moving. At that time, the intensity didn’t equate to deep love and attachment yet because it was so early on. I always say that true attachment ONLY develops in time for most men.

 

He was sad about leaving me but excited about the opportunity. We didn’t intend on being in a long distance relationship at that moment, but he mentioned that he wanted us to still see each other when possible. I pulled back emotionally thinking it was not going to last. It wasn’t until he left (a month later) and continued to contact me daily and make trips back to see me on a regular basis that I began to imagine the possibility of this working. Ultimately, he made huge efforts to progress the relationship after he left and that is how we eventually fell in love and committed to each other. When he left, it was just to soon... neither of us could have known or planned what would happen. But I did NOT allow myself to invest in him more than he invested in me. He left and in my opinion, the onus was on him to show me a ldr could work. I was prepared to move on if he didn’t. But he stepped it up and has been a very loyal and loving boyfriend since then.

 

I do not believe a ldr would work for any couple if the person who left isn’t totally interested and committed to making it work.

[Fair]

If he wants to move away and end it, he wasn't as special as you think.

 

I just talked to a guy like this... again, on OLD. Wants to live here half the year and in Mexico the other half. I told him if he expects a relationship, he's got to get over the single mind set first and consider the sacrifices a relationship is going to take.

 

He agreed in part, he said, only to turn around and diss what I said, got really pissed and blocked me. Not because I was mean, but because I told the truth.

 

People can't stand to hear the truth! And if you can't stand to hear the truth... let's face it, you're sunk. You'll stay stuck in your ways and continue to be miserable. People have no appreciation over the fact that when someone tells you the truth, it's a gift that could help you in the long run whether it's pretty or not!

 

Anyway, if this guy is being honest with you, I'd appreciate it if I were you. Let him go then if he wants to cut ties and move. Later on, you'll be glad you did!