Should I feel guilty about not paying?

[Imajerk17]

Thanks to everyone who responded.

 

I guess my ideal situation would be that he pay the majority of the time and I pay only once in a while. Call me traditional, but that's ideal for me.

 

To be clear, I always thank him for taking me out so he knows I appreciate it. I'm going to think of ways that I can do something nice for him in return.

 

My brow furrowed reading this. Keep in mind that "traditional" also means that the woman does all of the housekeeping.

 

My point is that a relationship where one partner is doing most of the giving and the other is doing most of the taking would not work for me, and I don't think it is a healthy dynamic in the long run. You need to be finding ways of giving back to the relationship too OP. He may pay for many of the dates, but hopefully you are doing things for him that don't require as much money, such as cooking him a meal from time to time.

[Timshel]

Yeah, you and I would not be dating... Because I find that kind of attitude is archaic and disrespectful. Good relationships are a partnership. I don't need a man to "take care of me" - although, I certainly appreciate loving gestures, kindness, and generosity...

 

The only time I'll let my fiance pay when we go out is once a year on my birthday, and even that takes serious effort to not reach for my wallet.

 

My soon to be husband enjoys paying when we go out on DATES. We also live together in MY HOUSE which has no mortgage.

 

Lot's of assumptions about an entire LIFE together because he wants to pay when we go out on a DATE.

 

If my fiance wasn't kind, generous, loving and respectful; I will assure you, taking care of each other and marriage would not be happening.

[Shining One]

My soon to be husband enjoys paying when we go out on DATES. We also live together in MY HOUSE which has no mortgage.

 

Lot's of assumptions about an entire LIFE together because he wants to pay when we go out on a DATE.

To be fair, his post said it was "retarded for a woman to pay half the time." If his post had said: "The man should pay all of the time and the woman should provide a mortgage-free home for him," he would have received a completely different response.

[Imajerk17]

My soon to be husband enjoys paying when we go out on DATES. We also live together in MY HOUSE which has no mortgage.

 

Lot's of assumptions about an entire LIFE together because he wants to pay when we go out on a DATE.

 

If my fiance wasn't kind, generous, loving and respectful; I will assure you, taking care of each other and marriage would not be happening.

 

Congratulations to you both!

 

Getting back to the OP, in an adult relationship BOTH are doing the giving and both are doing the taking. He may pay for dates but she cooks him dinner a lot or they stay at her place all the time because it is cleaner or whatever.

 

Nobody Rides For Free, OP.

 

And this post by @Timshel illustrates--he may be paying for dates but he is staying with you. Both of you are giving and both of you are taking.

[TunaCat]

I don't do guilt for the most part, but yeah, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel guilty for not paying at least SOME of the time. Granted, the idea of a guy "taking care of" a girl just bugs me and I'd much rather pull my own weight financially in a relationship rather than let someone else pay for me.

 

You need to find some ways to give back to the relationship.

[Timshel]

To be fair, his post said it was "retarded for a woman to pay half the time." If his post had said: "The man should pay all of the time and the woman should provide a mortgage-free home for him," he would have received a completely different response.

 

Yeah, I know...eloquent. But he can't reply right now (work) and I bristled.

We have a partnership, we both have it really great. But we are engaged in an LTR and the OP is dating.

 

Dating before major commitment is different, so my advice would be the same as most others...offer to pay, do nice things, surprise him with tickets or dinner so that he can't refuse.

It's all about balance.

[Dru76]

If the roles were reversed girl would've dumped him after the second date.

 

Nah, I've paid for plenty of early dates in my time.

[guest569]

How do we know if he wants to pay for dates? Has he stated that? He insisted on paying for the first date but now is left with no choice but to pay for every date because OP sure as hell is leaving the purse snapped shut, if she even bothers to bring it. so find out if he is happy with the arrangement. Maybe this is where the guilt comes from.

[90s kid]

My brow furrowed reading this. Keep in mind that "traditional" also means that the woman does all of the housekeeping.

 

My point is that a relationship where one partner is doing most of the giving and the other is doing most of the taking would not work for me, and I don't think it is a healthy dynamic in the long run. You need to be finding ways of giving back to the relationship too OP. He may pay for many of the dates, but hopefully you are doing things for him that don't require as much money, such as cooking him a meal from time to time.

 

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of the fact that relationships are about give and take on both of our parts. My post is strictly about money. I consider myself a very generous person and I love taking care of the people around me, including a significant other, in other ways.

We're only 2 months into dating and I don't feel comfortable inviting him over to my apartment and cooking for him just yet. I'm trying to think of other ways to show him that I care. A few people have mentioned the idea of planning a date myself and treating him. I think that's a good idea. I was just worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting costs every time because it is important to me to be with someone who enjoys providing for me.

[BaileyB]

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of the fact that relationships are about give and take on both of our parts. My post is strictly about money. I consider myself a very generous person and I love taking care of the people around me, including a significant other, in other ways.

We're only 2 months into dating and I don't feel comfortable inviting him over to my apartment and cooking for him just yet. I'm trying to think of other ways to show him that I care. A few people have mentioned the idea of planning a date myself and treating him. I think that's a good idea. I was just worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting costs every time because it is important to me to be with someone who enjoys providing for me.

 

Ever curious, why is it important for you to be with someone who enjoys providing for you financially? Assuming that this relationship grows, is this going to be an ongoing expectation? If you were to marry, would you expect to work and contribute to the household finances and expenses? Or, is this simply related to dating?

 

What were your experiences growing up? Did your father work and provide for the family financially while your mother cooked the meals? Or, did both your parents work and share the financial responsibilities for the family?

[90s kid]

How do we know if he wants to pay for dates? Has he stated that? He insisted on paying for the first date but now is left with no choice but to pay for every date because OP sure as hell is leaving the purse snapped shut, if she even bothers to bring it. so find out if he is happy with the arrangement. Maybe this is where the guilt comes from.

 

This is a fair point. Except it's not true that he has no choice. He doesn't have to date me. He keeps asking me out. Also, he has planned every date so far so he can choose how expensive or inexpensive he wants to make it. So far all of our dates have been around $30 or less. Not crazy expensive. And I'm okay with an inexpensive date. We can take a walk in the park for all I care. Just the fact that he planned it and took care of any costs is awesome to me.

 

I get the sense that he's okay with paying because he sees it's what I expect and he likes me enough to do it. Whether or not he actually enjoys it, I have no idea. I think the best way for me to find out, is to offer to pay in the future.

[BaileyB]

My soon to be husband enjoys paying when we go out on DATES. We also live together in MY HOUSE which has no mortgage.

 

Lot's of assumptions about an entire LIFE together because he wants to pay when we go out on a DATE.

 

If my fiance wasn't kind, generous, loving and respectful; I will assure you, taking care of each other and marriage would not be happening.

 

I'm sorry that you took offence to my comment. With this new information, it sounds like you have a very strong partnership and it's lovely that he likes to pay when you go out on DATES.

 

Had he posted this information, rather than what was said, I would have had an entirely different response.

 

Best wishes on your future marriage.

[Imajerk17]

Thanks for your response. I'm aware of the fact that relationships are about give and take on both of our parts. My post is strictly about money. I consider myself a very generous person and I love taking care of the people around me, including a significant other, in other ways.

We're only 2 months into dating and I don't feel comfortable inviting him over to my apartment and cooking for him just yet. I'm trying to think of other ways to show him that I care. A few people have mentioned the idea of planning a date myself and treating him. I think that's a good idea. I was just worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting costs every time because it is important to me to be with someone who enjoys providing for me.

 

1. It would seem really bizarre to many a guy that you wouldn't feel comfortable having him to your place for dinner (dinner not sex, just dinner) after a full two months of dating.

 

2. So you expect to be treated most every time? That is what it sounds like from your posts OP.

 

 

Meanwhile, how have you been GIVING in this relationship. So far, for the full 2 months in, it sounds that you have only been TAKING. Overall I advise for you to reconsider your expectations, because as an older man, I can tell you that most guys with any self-respect would not put up with this. I sure as heck would not.

[90s kid]

Ever curious, why is it important for you to be with someone who enjoys providing for you financially? Assuming that this relationship grows, is this going to be an ongoing expectation? If you were to marry, would you expect to work and contribute to the household finances and expenses? Or, is this simply related to dating?

 

What were your experiences growing up? Did your father work and provide for the family financially while your mother cooked the meals? Or, did both your parents work and share the financial responsibilities for the family?

 

Both of my parents work, but my father pays for most of the expenses. My mother takes care of the majority of household duties. They both work hard, just in different ways.

If I got married, ideally i would want a similar situation. I do want to continue to work and contribute financially. However, i would want my husband to take care of the majority of the expenses. I'm okay with taking care of most of the household responsibilities.

I've been taking care of myself since i was 18 years old. I'm extremely independent financially and otherwise. No one helps me. However, when i think about what i would desire in a marriage, I want to be able to breathe a little and have a partner who takes the financial burden off of my shoulders so that i can focus more on the home.

I don't want to get into the details of my childhood, but I was given a lot of responsibility at a really early age. I've often had to take care of other people. Part of what I look for in a future spouse, is someone who genuinely enjoys taking care of me. And I take care of him in return in other ways.

Edited November 16, 2017 by 90s kid

[olivetree]

Both of my parents work, but my father pays for most of the expenses. My mother takes care of the majority of household duties. They both work hard, just in different ways.

If I got married, ideally i would want a similar situation. I do want to continue to work and contribute financially. However, i would want my husband to take care of the majority of the expenses. I'm okay with taking care of most of the household responsibilities.

I've been taking care of myself since i was 18 years old. I'm extremely independent financially and otherwise. No one helps me. However, when i think about what i would desire in a marriage, I want to be able to breathe a little and have a partner who takes the financial burden off of my shoulders so that i can focus more on the home.

I don't want to get into the details of my childhood, but I was given a lot of responsibility at a really early age. I've often had to take care of other people. Part of what I look for in a future spouse, is someone who genuinely enjoys taking care of me. And I take care of him in return in other ways.

 

I totally get that, and I actually think that "roles" help to create masc/fem polarity in a relationship.

Other couples are happier in a more balanced masc/fem energy relationship.

It's whatever works for you.

 

But as you seem to have recognized now, you have to make sure he is on board.

You could start by offering to pay, and eventually you might want to talk about it so it's clear what each of you wants.

[Cobra_X]

Both of my parents work, but my father pays for most of the expenses. My mother takes care of the majority of household duties. They both work hard, just in different ways.

 

I did it like that in my first marriage. It was terrible and I will never do it again.

All of my income went to paying bills, and so I felt like I never had money for anything I wanted.

 

From what you are saying here... if you find a guy that fits what you want then grab him with both hands and hold on tight! Competition for even medium earning men is insane!! Women under 35 out earn men under 35 by nearly 30%. That's a HUGE wage gap, so guys with solid careers get their pick of the females.

 

My friend is 400lbs, but makes $200k per year. He dates young thin women, because their other choices are supporting broke dudes.

[olivetree]

I did it like that in my first marriage. It was terrible and I will never do it again.

All of my income went to paying bills, and so I felt like I never had money for anything I wanted.

 

Maybe I didn't read what OP wrote properly.

 

OP, if you plan to work, I can't imagine any man okay with you saving all of your money so long as you do the chores.

I think that you would be hard-pressed to find a man that doesn't want you to contribute financially if you are working, unless he's rich or you make very little.

 

I first took it to mean that you didn't want it to be 50/50 regarding money, and you'd make up for any disparity in other ways.

[90s kid]

Maybe I didn't read what OP wrote properly.

 

OP, if you plan to work, I can't imagine any man okay with you saving all of your money so long as you do the chores.

I think that you would be hard-pressed to find a man that doesn't want you to contribute financially if you are working, unless he's rich or you make very little.

 

I first took it to mean that you didn't want it to be 50/50 regarding money, and you'd make up for any disparity in other ways.

 

I think some people aren't quite understanding me so after this I'm not going to keep explaining it. I wouldn't save all of my own money for me. We would share money. Any money I earn would go into the household. We just wouldn't rely on it to pay bills. It would be extra.

 

Also, I am a fairly frugal person. I don't need a guy who makes a huge, inflated income. Just enough to support a family comfortably.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded to my original post. I think I have enough input now. I'm going to offer to pay for some dates going forward. Thanks again.

[BaileyB]

"Any money I earn would go into the household. We just wouldn't rely on it to pay bills."

 

If you can afford to do that, great. Many families don't have that luxury.

 

best wishes.

Edited November 16, 2017 by BaileyB

[salparadise]

I was just worried about setting a pattern where we're splitting costs every time because it is important to me to be with someone who enjoys providing for me.

 

Sheesh! I guess it's true that it takes all kind to make a world.

 

Personally, I prefer fully functional, fully engaged, competent women. Probably because my mother was, and obtained an advanced degree, supported equal rights for everyone back when racism, bigotry, and subjugated feminine gender roles were more the norm than the exception. I don't get how these archaic mindset still exists in the 21st century.

 

Maybe instead of focusing on splitting the check, you should just ask him outright if he's ok with taking you to raise!

[90s kid]

Sheesh! I guess it's true that it takes all kind to make a world.

 

Personally, I prefer fully functional, fully engaged, competent women. Probably because my mother was, and obtained an advanced degree, supported equal rights for everyone back when racism, bigotry, and subjugated feminine gender roles were more the norm than the exception. I don't get how these archaic mindset still exists in the 21st century.

 

Maybe instead of focusing on splitting the check, you should just ask him outright if he's ok with taking you to raise!

 

Exactly what part of your post is helpful? Do what works for you but don't insult me by implying that I'm incompetent and that my views are archaic. I'm a very smart, very accomplished woman. I have a master's degree, my own place, my own car, a full time high-level position, and I do very well for myself. There are plenty of men who share my values, including many of the men who responded to this thread and affirmed that they prefer to pay for their girlfriends and wives. Do they need to be taught a lesson on having a "competent" and "fully-functioning" relationship too?

I'm glad your mom was so progressive. Maybe she should have taught you to respect other people's right to choose what they want for their own lives instead of shoving your values down their throats.

What's "archaic" is the idea that all of us have to have the same views on relationships and gender roles. I accept everyone for what they believe and what they desire for their personal relationship. You should work on that. Have a great day!

[lovephule]

I think some people aren't quite understanding me so after this I'm not going to keep explaining it. I wouldn't save all of my own money for me. We would share money. Any money I earn would go into the household. We just wouldn't rely on it to pay bills. It would be extra.

 

Also, I am a fairly frugal person. I don't need a guy who makes a huge, inflated income. Just enough to support a family comfortably.

 

Thanks to everyone who responded to my original post. I think I have enough input now. I'm going to offer to pay for some dates going forward. Thanks again.

I hope you keep us posted. Or at least me.

[No_Go]

i would want my husband to take care of the majority of the expenses. I'm okay with taking care of most of the household responsibilities.

 

Thing is, removing the word 'husband' the relationship that you describe is employer and live-in house keeper. It is quite possibly the level of respect that you'd get in such a configuration, and it is sad that you wasted time&energy on education for job different than house helper. Frankly that's the unsaid truth... [i know it from first-order experience with live-in mates ]

 

Paying for dates is different of course, first one is courtship, the next ones... buttering their way to the bedroom...

[Noproblem]

Honestly!

If you feel it's not right, then it is not right!

The next time you get out, declare from the start that it's on you!

 

Make it happen once in a blue moon, but nevertheless, it's good to pay your share.

[JuneL]

100% agree.

 

I used to pay for most dates with my ex-bf and if he offered to split I'd reject (I find splitting super petty, I never split even with friends).

 

He thought I enjoy it?!?! Or maybe he was just enjoying the situation. But I slowly started building bitter resentment towards him. In the end I'd call him 'my little boy' not in a nice way. I felt like his momma not partner.

 

 

In this case, I'd tell him let me get this one and you can get the next