Crying over my ex.... why?

[BettyDraper]

Yesterday was Thanksgiving and I finally met my girlfriends mother and her b/f. She had warned me about her mother and she was spot on about her. Her mother is basically my age and is extremely dramatic and self centered. The best way to describe her is she is VERY immature. We didn't talk much which I expected but for the most part she "accepts" me. My g/f doesn't much care because her relationship with her mother is mostly one-sided where everything is about the mom.

 

The B/F on the other hand is a total *******. My g/f warned me about him and she has always had a major dislike for him. When he got there he didn't say a word and actually sat alone in the other room. WEIRD

 

After about 10 minutes he came into the kitchen and asked to speak to me outside. I think his goal was to intimidate me or scare me off. However, I've trained and taught Martial Arts for over 30 years, fought MMA, have cauliflower ear and I'm a bodybuilder so I'm pretty jacked. Needless to say I don't easily get intimidated and I think he quickly realized I was the Alfa between the 2 of us. He started saying that he wasn't OK with the age gap and didn't like the idea of us seeing each other. I basically told him I understood and we didn't seek each other out it just happened and that I was sorry he felt that way but it wasn't going to change anything except that I would respect his concern and not be a jerk about it.

 

He was pretty frustrated and mentioned that he's glad I seem like a respectable person and that I'm clearly not an ******* or a gangbanger or anything like that. WTF!!!! He didn't eat dinner with any of us and then texted my gf later and said "At least you're old enough to make your own decisions so I don't have to shoot this guy." She responded back saying.... you should go shooting with him sometime as he's a Master Level shooter and his skills are insane. LMAO

 

Anyways, it was certainly a Thanksgiving that I won't quickly forget.

 

I think the word you're looking for is "Alpha."

 

You can be as "jacked" as the biggest bodybuilder but that won't stop people from seeing that you look down on them.

 

Too many people believe that being an Alpha male is purely about body type and arrogance. Alpha males are personable and aware of their faults. They don't need to put down others to feel better about themselves. Alpha males don't struggle with being alone, W2D. They also do not have a frat boy dudebro mentality when they're in their 40s. Alpha males live their lives with honor. They bite the bullet during difficult situations rather than taking the easy way out or hemming and hawing. This is not how you approached your crumbling marriage and divorce.

 

I'm seeing a lot of false confidence and bravado because of your appearance. You often mention how great you look on these forums. It takes more than muscles to maintain a relationship. Most women would rather settle down with humble and mature man who is average looking. Maybe this is what your ex is realizing since the gorgeous dudebro cheated on her rather than respectfully ending the marriage. Looks can only get you so far.

 

I've mentioned before that you seem to be having a midlife crisis. Your very young girlfriend is a classic symbol of that. She represents an earlier time in your life with less responsibilities and she validates your attractiveness. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she read this thread? If she's as intelligent and mature as she says she is, I doubt that she would be impressed with your words.

[stillafool]

Am I bothered that she is seeing someone? Of course I am. I am after all human and I have feelings. I hate what I did to her and looking back I wish there was something I could have done to honestly fix our relationship and get back to where we were for so long. She's finally talking to someone and taking meds for her depression. She never would admit she suffered from depression but I'm happy she's finally addressing it.

 

these are the things that make me want to go back. If she gets her head on straight and back to the woman I married why wouldn't I want to get back with her? There are no guarantees in life. I hate to lose my new g/f because I'm mostly crazy about her but there are some huge red flags I have to deal with.

 

Your wife has red flags too. Do you think it is fair to your gf to go back to your wife? What will happen when you get back to your wife and then decide you want your gf back? I see that happening because all you do is flip flop.

[chinadiary]

I think the word you're looking for is "Alpha."

 

You can be as "jacked" as the biggest bodybuilder but that won't stop people from seeing that you look down on them.

 

Too many people believe that being an Alpha male is purely about body type and arrogance. Alpha males are personable and aware of their faults. They don't need to put down others to feel better about themselves. Alpha males don't struggle with being alone, W2D. They also do not have a frat boy dudebro mentality when they're in their 40s. Alpha males live their lives with honor. They bite the bullet during difficult situations rather than taking the easy way out or hemming and hawing. This is not how you approached your crumbling marriage and divorce.

 

I'm seeing a lot of false confidence and bravado because of your appearance. You often mention how great you look on these forums. It takes more than muscles to maintain a relationship. Most women would rather settle down with humble and mature man who is average looking. Maybe this is what your ex is realizing since the gorgeous dudebro cheated on her rather than respectfully ending the marriage. Looks can only get you so far.

 

I've mentioned before that you seem to be having a midlife crisis. Your very young girlfriend is a classic symbol of that. She represents an earlier time in your life with less responsibilities and she validates your attractiveness. What do you think your girlfriend would say if she read this thread? If she's as intelligent and mature as she says she is, I doubt that she would be impressed with your words.

 

 

Exactly. There are a lot of men on this site that think muscles = alpha. Nope. Alpha is intelligence. We're not a pack of dogs where the biggest growliest is in charge.

[BettyDraper]

Exactly. There are a lot of men on this site that think muscles = alpha. Nope. Alpha is intelligence. We're not a pack of dogs where the biggest growliest is in charge.

 

It's common for the general population to think that brawn, arrogance, narcissism and being rude are Alpha male traits.

Edited November 24, 2017 by BettyDraper

[BettyDraper]

Your wife has red flags too. Do you think it is fair to your gf to go back to your wife? What will happen when you get back to your wife and then decide you want your gf back? I see that happening because all you do is flip flop.

 

W2D needs to be alone and look at HIS OWN red flags.

We all know his wife will just right back to her old behaviors once she's with him again.

[What-2-Do]

It's common for the general population to think that brawn, arrogance, narcissism and being rude are Alpha male traits.

 

This is where I completely disagree with you. I'm very humble and not at all rude. However, I also never cower down to anyone either. Being an Alpha doesn't mean you have to be rude or arrogant.

[What-2-Do]

On the flip side when all this started happening I was also in the process of moving and expanding my business. The buildout/move cost double what was projected. With my wife being sick, being in a sexless marriage, and everything else going on I reached out for help.

 

My doctor put me on an Anti-depressant and Anti-anxiety med. I was on this for about a year and a half and I feel that it truly made me numb to everything. I tried coming off it many months ago but the withdrawals were terrible so I stayed on.

 

I decided over the past 2 months to taper off this med and come off it completely which I did. I now think the reason I was thinking about my wife is because coming off the med has my mind racing all over the place again.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

On the flip side when all this started happening I was also in the process of moving and expanding my business. The buildout/move cost double what was projected. With my wife being sick, being in a sexless marriage, and everything else going on I reached out for help.

 

My doctor put me on an Anti-depressant and Anti-anxiety med. I was on this for about a year and a half and I feel that it truly made me numb to everything. I tried coming off it many months ago but the withdrawals were terrible so I stayed on.

 

I decided over the past 2 months to taper off this med and come off it completely which I did. I now think the reason I was thinking about my wife is because coming off the med has my mind racing all over the place again.

 

Quite possible, but it's not a bad thing. The meds may have made you also "numb" to the fact that infidelity is a really horrible thing to do to someone, and now you're "waking up" to the reality of what you've done to her.

[BettyDraper]

This is where I completely disagree with you. I'm very humble and not at all rude. However, I also never cower down to anyone either. Being an Alpha doesn't mean you have to be rude or arrogant.

 

I don't think you're humble.

 

It's obvious that you look down on men whom you perceive to be "lesser" than you just because they may not be as attractive or muscular.

[What-2-Do]

Quite possible, but it's not a bad thing. The meds may have made you also "numb" to the fact that infidelity is a really horrible thing to do to someone, and now you're "waking up" to the reality of what you've done to her.

 

this is a very valid point. When I dropped my son of last night I couldn't help but give my ex a hug. She cried and said she wished none of this ever happened. I def. agree that not being numb is making me truly realize the damage I caused her and the hurt and it's killing me. I got a referral from my doctor for a psychiatrist so I'm going to call today to make an appointment.

[What-2-Do]

I don't think you're humble.

 

It's obvious that you look down on men whom you perceive to be "lesser" than you just because they may not be as attractive or muscular.

 

I think it more comes down to this guy being a weak man. He is physically weak, emotionally weak, has a weak career, and is not at all attractive.

 

My wife has always made it clear that physical attraction isn't all that important to her and that stability is. I mentioned to her that she's prob. with him because he's much less likely to ever cheat because his options are quite limited. She said she's really not ready for a relationship and is looking more for someone she is comfortable talking to and that she's not ready for sex and he's perfectly fine with that.

 

Thru all of this my wife has lost 35lbs and her doctors is very concerned about that. She went from a size 6 when she was in shape and then to a size 10 when she gave up on herself and now she's a size 4. She does look amazing at a size 4 though I won't lie.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

this is a very valid point. When I dropped my son of last night I couldn't help but give my ex a hug. She cried and said she wished none of this ever happened. I def. agree that not being numb is making me truly realize the damage I caused her and the hurt and it's killing me. I got a referral from my doctor for a psychiatrist so I'm going to call today to make an appointment.

 

Good for you, W2D. May I suggest talk therapy and not going straight back to meds .

[anika99]

Good for you, W2D. May I suggest talk therapy and not going straight back to meds .

 

This! Psychiatrists are medical doctors and they often/usually treat their patients with medication. Your psychiatrists may simply try to get you medicated again. Perhaps you should ask for a referral to a good therapist.

[stillafool]

 

Thru all of this my wife has lost 35lbs and her doctors is very concerned about that. She went from a size 6 when she was in shape and then to a size 10 when she gave up on herself and now she's a size 4. She does look amazing at a size 4 though I won't lie.

 

Really??? I wonder if she had gained 35lbs if you'd still want her back.

[elaine567]

I think it more comes down to this guy being a weak man. He is physically weak, emotionally weak, has a weak career, and is not at all attractive.

 

To you...

.................

[BaileyB]

This! Psychiatrists are medical doctors and they often/usually treat their patients with medication. Your psychiatrists may simply try to get you medicated again. Perhaps you should ask for a referral to a good therapist.

 

This. Depending on your purpose, it sounds like you are going to see the wrong person, my friend...

[BettyDraper]

I think it more comes down to this guy being a weak man. He is physically weak, emotionally weak, has a weak career, and is not at all attractive.

 

My wife has always made it clear that physical attraction isn't all that important to her and that stability is. I mentioned to her that she's prob. with him because he's much less likely to ever cheat because his options are quite limited. She said she's really not ready for a relationship and is looking more for someone she is comfortable talking to and that she's not ready for sex and he's perfectly fine with that.

 

Thru all of this my wife has lost 35lbs and her doctors is very concerned about that. She went from a size 6 when she was in shape and then to a size 10 when she gave up on herself and now she's a size 4. She does look amazing at a size 4 though I won't lie.

 

W2D....your arrogance has made it impossible for you to see your own emotional weakness. Are you truly unaware of all the decisions you've made which could certainly be perceived as weak? I'm hoping you understand exactly what I'm talking about but perhaps I need to remind you to make myself clear. An emotionally strong man does not:

 

• Buy a house for a wife who shows that she doesn't care about him.
  
• Cheat instead of ending the marriage in a respectful manner.
  
• Jump headfirst into an inappropriate relationship because he can't be alone.
  

 

I'm glad that you're going to speak to a professional because there are some serious discrepancies in how you perceive your behavior compared to what your choices actually say about you.

 

Your wife is choosing a different type of man than the one she married and that makes complete sense. Her clothing size is irrelevant. It's time to focus on YOURSELF instead of ping ponging between two women in your heart.

[sandylee1]

The stress of a betrayal can cause weight loss...aka the infidelity diet.

 

When your husband leaves you for a younger woman ir creates feelings of insecurity and a loss confidence ... you feel unattractive and sometimes actively try to lose weight to show your ex you look great or to attract a new mate.

 

You mention thinking she's chosen him as he's less likely to cheat....beauty is only skin deep... and a guy who treats you well is worth his weight in gold.

 

Maybe he's showing her attention and care....by patiently waiting until she's ready to be fully physical...he's shown respect at least.

 

She needs to make herself feel better and gain confidence... that she lost when uoiu dumped her.

 

Having to beg your husband to come back AFTER he cheated and being knocked back has gotta put your self esteem in the toilet.

 

That was her mistake...the begging and pleading make one look desperate.

[What-2-Do]

Good for you, W2D. May I suggest talk therapy and not going straight back to meds .

 

Yes, I am not going back on meds. I've always known how to deal with my anger and anxiety. The problem was with all the stress when I was moving my business and my wife having Lyme Disease I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I started going to a shrink and it def. helped and we decided to try the med route. It worked to get me thru the buildout and I should have come off then but when I tried the withdrawals were terrible so I stayed on. Now, I've been off for several weeks and I feel way more alive. That is good and bad as I'm def. more emotional which I don't think is a bad thing.

[What-2-Do]

I feel terrible for hurting her and that's the honest truth. I will always love her no matter what and I don't regret being with her. She texted me last night saying her and the new guy are basically done and it's somehow my fault. Not sure how I can cause issues with him when I've never met or spoken to him in any way shape or form. Sounds odd....

 

I spoke with my wife the other day when my son called me. he had me on speaker phone and she decided to keep chiming in. The one thing I saw during that phone call is the anger and misery she's had for so many years. I can't and don't want to ever go back to that.

 

I think I fantasize often of the wife I had many years ago and I need to get over that. That person is no longer there and I don't know if she ever will be again. I can never go back to the person she's been for the past several years as I know I will never be happy again.

 

I've been ultra-happy for the first time in many years with my new g/f. She might not be perfect looking in from the outside but for me she is perfect. We adore each other and are both on the same page with how our relationship started and where we are going. Our communication is great, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, the emotional and physical connection in insane.

 

A few people here have said about beauty being on skin-deep but to a guy this is extremely important. It doesn't make us shallow as many women will think it's just how we are wired. Read the book His Needs/Her Needs if you don't agree. My girlfriend is an absolute knockout both mentally and physically. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with and she shares my passion for fitness. We are planning a cruise in February and we're going away this weekend. This is the lifestyle I've wanted. She LOVES me son and he doesn't stop talking about her.

[stillafool]

That is great for you W2D and I'm glad you are happy. Also be happy for your wife when she gets a new bf, and she will, so she can also find the happiness she has been missing for years. I wish you and your gf much luck.

[BettyDraper]

I feel terrible for hurting her and that's the honest truth. I will always love her no matter what and I don't regret being with her. She texted me last night saying her and the new guy are basically done and it's somehow my fault. Not sure how I can cause issues with him when I've never met or spoken to him in any way shape or form. Sounds odd....

 

I spoke with my wife the other day when my son called me. he had me on speaker phone and she decided to keep chiming in. The one thing I saw during that phone call is the anger and misery she's had for so many years. I can't and don't want to ever go back to that.

 

I think I fantasize often of the wife I had many years ago and I need to get over that. That person is no longer there and I don't know if she ever will be again. I can never go back to the person she's been for the past several years as I know I will never be happy again.

 

I've been ultra-happy for the first time in many years with my new g/f. She might not be perfect looking in from the outside but for me she is perfect. We adore each other and are both on the same page with how our relationship started and where we are going. Our communication is great, the sex is the best I've ever had in my life, the emotional and physical connection in insane.

 

A few people here have said about beauty being on skin-deep but to a guy this is extremely important. It doesn't make us shallow as many women will think it's just how we are wired. Read the book His Needs/Her Needs if you don't agree. My girlfriend is an absolute knockout both mentally and physically. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever been with and she shares my passion for fitness. We are planning a cruise in February and we're going away this weekend. This is the lifestyle I've wanted. She LOVES me son and he doesn't stop talking about her.

 

I don't understand how you can be blamed for the end of your ex wife's relationship. That doesn't make any sense. Why does your ex think it's your fault?

 

Men and women are both shallow in entirely different ways. Men place importance on youth, beauty and fertility while women are hardwired to choose a mate with resources. Of course, these truths represent the most basic level of interaction between the opposite sex. My husband married the youngest woman he ever dated. He always says that I'm the most attractive out of all of the women he went out with.

 

I hope your relationship lasts forever...especially since your son has met your girlfriend. Your son has already been through the trauma of a divorce so the loss of your girlfriend's presence would worsen the pain. Hopefully your relationship will stand the test of time because you're still in the honeymoon phase and you're also on the rebound. Please consider attending counseling so that you can make good decisions about how to proceed with your ex wife and your girlfriend.

[elaine567]

Of course W2D can be blamed as he went in there denigrated the BF and led his wife to believe she had a chance to get back with him...

 

He effectively scuppered the relationship and he is now ecstatic with his gf and parading her around with this fab holiday, whilst the wife is alone...

 

All will be well until the next bf makes his appearance.

[What-2-Do]

Of course W2D can be blamed as he went in there denigrated the BF and led his wife to believe she had a chance to get back with him...

 

He effectively scuppered the relationship and he is now ecstatic with his gf and parading her around with this fab holiday, whilst the wife is alone...

 

All will be well until the next bf makes his appearance.

 

No offense but reading all your replies on here makes me feel sorry for you. You seem so bitter and such a negative person.

[chinadiary]

No offense but reading all your replies on here makes me feel sorry for you. You seem so bitter and such a negative person.

 

 

 

I think that's displacement. You cheated, left her then got upset when she got a bf. She even told you, you played a part in the breakup.

 

Leave your ex alone. When she gets another man, stay the hell out of her life!