Is it really this hard to find someone who can have a decent conversation with you?

[Marks]

So I've been back on the dating scene since my long time girlfriend and I broke up earlier this year in April. We had met through OLD, and now that I'm single I figured I'd get back into dating through OLD again. I'm a busy professional who also goes to graduate school part time, so there aren't a lot of opportunities for me to meet women outside of my current social circles.

 

A friend of mine met his current girlfriend through Coffee Meets Bagel (CMB), so I figured I'd give it a try. So far I've had great success in meeting women through the app (way more success than I ever had through OLD before I met my last gf). I can usually set up at least one new date every weekend, sometimes even more.

 

However I've been running into one frustrating problem with the vast majority of the women I've met so far... after 20+ dates it seems as though I can't find a woman who knows how to hold a decent, balanced, engaging conversation. They usually fall into one of two situations... either most of the time during the date they end up talking about themselves with seemingly little interest in asking me questions and getting to know me, or I find myself talking most of the time and have a hard time getting them to share things about themselves.

 

And it's getting incredibly frustrating at this point given that it happens time and time again. I mean, I just had a date like this last night... most of the night she just went on and on about herself and her experiences, but asked very little about me. Most of what I shared with her during the conversation I had to volunteer myself. She didn't ask even basic questions like, Where did you grow up? Where did you go to school? What's your work like? What movies do you like? Do you have any pets? Nothing.

 

I have a hard time believing that the women I meet can't have a normal back and forth conversation where each side shares things about each other or share their thoughts on things. I mean they have friends and family right? They must talk with them about stuff normally? And the irony is that a lot of these women put in their profile that they appreciate it when their date can hold an engaging conversation... Ha!

 

I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong... or are there really this many women who can't seem to have a decent conversation? Maybe it's just nerves? Or is it just bad luck on my part that I happen to match with such people?

 

The sad thing is that I end up passing (i.e. not following up for a second date) on most of these women because I figure that if I can't have a satisfying conversation with them, then it just wouldn't work. But maybe I should give them another chance and see if it improves on a second date? (assuming of course, they'd want to meet again).

 

For age group context, I'm 30 and the women I've met are within +/- 5 years of me in age.

[BaileyB]

Well, you are not the only person to feel this way. I said the same thing through much of my 'dating career' - "why, is it so hard to find a man who doesn't only talk about himself and can hold a decent conversation."

 

I held out, because connecting with someone in this way was really important to me. And, I'm glad that I did. My boyfriend is smart, interesting, and we never lack for conversation. And, even better, he makes me laugh all the time... He says the same about me.

 

So, as discouraging as it is... I say hold out and keep dating. If you are meeting lots of different women, you will find someone who is interesting to you because at the end of the day... it's a numbers game. You just have to wait for luck to meet opportunity. Good luck!

[MsJayne]

Sometimes nerves make people forget their manners, and given that meeting people through dating apps is a lot like going for a job interview, I think that's what makes people nervous and bang on about themselves, doing the big sell while completely forgetting to ask about their date. On the other hand, a lot of people these days are thoroughly self-absorbed, (especially women - I sometimes wonder if some of my girlfriends would notice if I set myself on fire they're so busy droning on about themselves). You just have to figure out which it is.

[TheBathWater]

I was literally just thinking of posting a thread along these lines a couple of nights ago after having the same experience.

 

OP, I don't know what's going on these days, but the women I'm dating lately have been like this as well. I'm also 30, and date in the +/- 5 year range. They are HORRIBLE conversationalists. I remember being younger and women seemed more socially skilled back then.

 

I haven't been able to identify what the problem is. I try to look at what I'm doing. I scale back my expectations. I facilitate an atmosphere that is comfortable, fun, and ripe with good banter. Nothing. Women simply don't engage with me at the level they used to.

 

I still get laid plenty, but it all feels very routine and mechanical. "Let's have a drink then head back to my place." No spark, no aliveness, nothing. They'll come back for sex, but there's just no enthusiasm that I see anymore.

 

It's just a theory I have, but I think it's possible women have become WAY too entitled and used to having guys constantly provide all the feels via social media, OLD, and in-real-life, in a 24-7 way that is unlike other generations. On top of it, I know women have to deal with s**t from guys and culture on the regular that I don't experience, so I'm sure that contributes to the blasé attitude too.

 

But at the end of the day, I really can't say. All I know is that we can only keep trying, not get discouraged and think ALL women are like this, and do our best to have fun and live life. I do still believe there are great women to date in the world, but yeah, something's going on...

[newyorker11356]

Sometimes nerves make people forget their manners and given that meeting people through dating apps is a lot like going for a job interview, I think that's what makes people nervous and bang on about themselves, doing the big sell while completely forgetting to ask about their date. On the other hand, a lot of people these days are thoroughly self-absorbed, (especially women - I sometimes wonder if some of my girlfriends would notice if I set myself on fire they're so busy droning on about themselves). You just have to figure out which it is.

 

I don't think it's just about dating apps. I think first dates can make both parties a bit nervous in general.

[PhilHarper]

Im 31. I've met quite a few girls via dating apps who are decent conversationalists on first dates. Id say hang in there but 20+ dates and you still haven't found at least a few? That seems off to me.

 

You do run into the weird chatterbox chicks who appear as if showing interest in anything but themselves is an alien concept. And you run into the super introverts who can't say more than a few words per half hour. Sometimes either extreme can be chalked up to nerves, so maybe give them more of a chance if you find any redeeming qualities.

 

But still I'd have thought you'd at least find a few after 20 dates who knew how to hold a balanced convo.

[Chilli]

Yeah , a lot of them put that on their page on the site l've just joined too,yet you start talking to them and your lucky to get more that 3 words a time ,from the start l mean , not as if you don't like each other later or have nothing to say.

From the get go.

 

l've come to assume now women that have that on their page are gonna be like talking to a 5yr old.

[basil67]

It's not just dating. My husband and I have been to so many events lately where we meet people who can only talk when we lead the conversation. There seems to be no reciprocal Q&A.

 

And for the record, we're with people in the 30-60 age bracket. So I'm not talking about young ones who haven't learned yet.

[Marks]

TunaInTheBrine, yeah a lot of what you're describing is what I've experienced. At this point these dates have become very routine, and my expectations are very low going into them. I don't walk away giddy about the date--I walk away wondering what happened. But in your case at least you're getting laid? I'm not even getting that...not that that's what I'm going for with these dates. Although maybe if I were a bit more forward? I can't even tell if that's what they're looking for, so I don't offer them to go to my place.

 

Problem is that like I just mentioned, with these dates I can't even tell if the women are interested in me or not. If they keep pretty quiet then I kind of assume they're not interested. On the flipside, if they're going on about themselves the whole night and don't ask me anything, then I assume they're only interested in themselves and so not interested in me either. So I don't follow up with them for a second date. These situations are very hard to read. And pretty much none of the women I've been out with ever texted me anything after the date either. So again, I assume they're not interested.

 

Overall though I often walk away feeling like I wasted my time.

 

Is social media and all the text-based conversation these days a cause for this? idk

 

I agree, it does seem amazing that over the course of so many dates none would be a good match. Hence this question. There were a couple (3-4) that I had ok conversations with, but then there were other things about them that I didn't find appealing (differing interests for example), and they didn't seem too keen on me either (at least not romantically). Otherwise yeah, it's amazing that such a high percentage had difficulty holding a good conversation.

[Marks]

And to add, yeah I feel like when I was younger in my earlier 20's the girls seemed more interesting to talk to than now that I'm older. On the other hand, girls didn't give me the time of day back then

[olivetree]

I'm not single but I find that most young people love to talk about themselves and very few ask questions.

Reminds me of that line... “But enough about me, let's talk about you... what do YOU think of me?“

 

When I meet someone who asks about me I feel like I've struck gold.

[smackie9]

All it means is you have no compatibility with these women, no chemistry. It only take one for sparks to fly....don't get discouraged.

[alphamale]

I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong...

you're not doing anything wrong. few people know the correct way to carry a conversation...and that conversation is an art.

 

The sad thing is that I end up passing (i.e. not following up for a second date) on most of these women because I figure that if I can't have a satisfying conversation with them, then it just wouldn't work.

 

good sex need not require good conversation

[Mkn1010]

31 year old female here who used to OLD. My take is that sometimes you get so over OLD and the disappointments that your effort level is extremely minimal. Yes, you should stop dating at this point but for whatever reason some people continue! And in those scenarios, they are feeling lack-lustre so the convo is lack-lustre!

 

 

Also, you might be picking boring people. I usually don't put a lot of stock in things likes looks or job titles etc for that reason...I go for the people that look like outliers or a bit quirky because mainstream people who list 'brunch' as an interest are not going to excite me conversationally!!

 

 

I also TRULY believe, after my 1.5 years of OLD, that the most interesting people that I want do not use OLD or even social media for that matter. I've deleted of all of it and have found that people with substance don't get involved in all that shiz!

[TheBathWater]

TunaInTheBrine, yeah a lot of what you're describing is what I've experienced. At this point these dates have become very routine, and my expectations are very low going into them. I don't walk away giddy about the date--I walk away wondering what happened. But in your case at least you're getting laid? I'm not even getting that...not that that's what I'm going for with these dates. Although maybe if I were a bit more forward? I can't even tell if that's what they're looking for, so I don't offer them to go to my place.

 

Problem is that like I just mentioned, with these dates I can't even tell if the women are interested in me or not. If they keep pretty quiet then I kind of assume they're not interested. On the flipside, if they're going on about themselves the whole night and don't ask me anything, then I assume they're only interested in themselves and so not interested in me either. So I don't follow up with them for a second date. These situations are very hard to read. And pretty much none of the women I've been out with ever texted me anything after the date either. So again, I assume they're not interested.

 

Overall though I often walk away feeling like I wasted my time.

 

Is social media and all the text-based conversation these days a cause for this? idk

 

I agree, it does seem amazing that over the course of so many dates none would be a good match. Hence this question. There were a couple (3-4) that I had ok conversations with, but then there were other things about them that I didn't find appealing (differing interests for example), and they didn't seem too keen on me either (at least not romantically). Otherwise yeah, it's amazing that such a high percentage had difficulty holding a good conversation.

 

I might be getting laid, but it's more out of loneliness and maintaining sexual health/activity. I can't say I feel any more emotionally "satisfied" than beforehand.

 

I'm not super forward, and if anything, I joke around how "we've got to be good boys and girls" when I invite them back to my place for a drink. Once I get them back home, I find some kind of intimate activity for us to do together that involves touching, being playful, laughing, etc... I can't think of one who came over and didn't hook up with me.

 

I guess it all depends what you're looking for. If you won't settle for unattached sex, that's okay, but those are the vibes you'll put out and many women will follow the man's lead, whichever way he leads. If on the other hand, you can somehow convey that you're not interested in them on an emotional level either, but that you find them attractive and wouldn't mind having them over, she'll follow if she feels the same and wants to get laid (obviously don't tell them explicitly that you aren't interested in them emotionally). Sometimes hookups can lead to emotional connections later on, so that's possible too, but in my experience it doesn't usually happen. Women want to have sex too, and many will go to bed with you if you're charming enough and aren't overly eager to either get in their pants or get them on another date.

 

Again, it's all about what you want. I go through periods where I don't want to hook up and will walk away from opportunities because I'm not interested. But sometimes, I get horny, bored, and lonely, and if the girl is attractive and I'm in the mood, game on.

[GemmaUK]

This is a really common problem amongst the many of the men I've met via OLD and also IRL.

I recall one guy from my dim and distant past though who was telling me some stuff about his childhood, as you do I interjection with a question relevant to something he had just said and he completely flipped out and informed me that a conversation was just him speaking and that questions should be left until the end.

I soon lost interest in what he was saying after that - it felt like he was running a seminar with an audience of one - no intermission, no buffet, no drinks supplied. He didn't even give me a pad and pen to write questions down!! Lol!

[hercules22]

what about the girls you match with you are having a convo then she just doesn't reply at all mid convo after saying a few things .

 

we are still matched i hate double texting i know they probably get swarmed with messages but why start a convo then disappear yet still remain matched i ended up double texting one after 3 days still haven't heard yet still matched .

 

Wont be sending another one move on to the next girl, it like the ones i am matched with just go it on when they are super bored and have actually zero interest in dating.

[kortz]

I also TRULY believe, after my 1.5 years of OLD, that the most interesting people that I want do not use OLD or even social media for that matter. I've deleted of all of it and have found that people with substance don't get involved in all that shiz!

 

I definitely agree with this. All the best relationships I've had, be them long or short, have always come from meeting someone in person and not via OLD.

 

I only think of OLD as another avenue for meeting people but it certainly isn't my main/primary source. I know you said you're a busy professional but try make some time to go out and meet people in person and work on getting better at it. The best people are rarely on OLD.

[ZA Dater]

I find this on virtually every date I go on.

 

 

Eventually it just becomes tiresome sitting with people who provide no intellectual stimulation at all.

 

 

Cause for this, well I think there are many, apathy being one, closed mindedness being other, declining levels of education being another, lack of critical thinking and a general disinterest in the world at large.

 

 

Its often a case of finding some topic or any topic the person can actually offer an opinion on which is hard.

 

 

OP I really doubt it is you.

 

 

I'll tell you this though, when you do find that person you will find the experience amazing, I did and the ability for someone to challenge me and click with me is a great feeling.

 

 

Keep looking.

[elaine567]

I'm a busy professional who also goes to graduate school part time, so there aren't a lot of opportunities for me to meet women outside of my current social circles..

 

But your immediate social circles are most likely the best places to find appropriate women.

Professionals don't tend to marry other professionals for no reason.

They speak your language and you speak theirs.

 

Your standards have probably got higher now you are a little older and whilst that special someone may be on OLD, maybe not, so I guess you need to put more effort into real life connections.

[alphamale]

But your immediate social circles are most likely the best places to find appropriate women.

Professionals don't tend to marry other professionals for no reason.

They speak your language and you speak theirs.

 

Your standards have probably got higher now you are a little older and whilst that special someone may be on OLD, maybe not, so I guess you need to put more effort into real life connections.

 

yes I agree with this

[Lostintranslationslc]

Lowering your expectations will help things flow more naturally. She’s not there to “wow” you unless she’s a hired professional. If you’re truly putting the effort toward making conversation flow and it isn’t happening, you’re simply not meshing with the other person. Perhaps the chemistry isn’t there. If a woman isn’t asking you questions about yourself and rambles on about herself, she’s either a) not into you. b) a self centered narcissist (wouldn’t be surprised if she put an extreme amount of effort into her appearance to be perceived as sexually alluring) or c) both. Be open to expanding your dating circle to a more diverse group of women. In other words branch out. Ask yourself if you’re being superficial when seeking out dates. Are you standards too rigid?

[Chilli]

You'll find if you are a talker or somebody with a lot of personality and passion , when you truly click properly with her or him, it just happens. Everything is stimulating , near anything and everything they say and you them , your just into each other and it just takes a life it's own 24 7.

 

l've seen it with quiet people too though, couples, only it;'s different , they just aren't as lively about it as the other extreme in personality are , they tend to have a real peace and connection between them you spot a mile away.. it can be equally as cool. One of my daughers friends are like this. No one gets a word out of her really but she is actually a very cool girl and they still all like each other very comfortably.

But one day some new boy came into the group very similar to her and within an hour of meeting that was it , 3yrs ago, they're still together and still exactly the same, these two were literally one, it's a cute as hell.

[newyorker11356]

I definitely agree with this. All the best relationships I've had, be them long or short, have always come from meeting someone in person and not via OLD.

 

I only think of OLD as another avenue for meeting people but it certainly isn't my main/primary source. I know you said you're a busy professional but try make some time to go out and meet people in person and work on getting better at it. The best people are rarely on OLD.

 

Disagree. I'm 27 and have met a decent amount of interesting women via OLD. Some of the best people are indeed on OLD (myself included ).

 

I think OLD is better in the sense that you know people (most at least) are single and looking to date. In my experience, every time I try to meet women in real life (ones I'd be into it at least), they're either married/in a relationship, not looking to date right now, or just not into me. It's almost unreal, lol. OLD has been the only venue that's really worked for me in getting dates, and a bit short relationships. Nothing long-term (yet at least).

 

I think since I live close to Manhattan, OLD is good for me. Of course, everyone's experience will vary.

Edited November 16, 2017 by newyorker11356

[normal person]

One thing I can say regarding OLD is that usually when someone's profile or messaging is fun and engaging, it's usually a good indication that they're that way in person too. If they have anything in their profile that takes a stand or espouses a strong opinion, and if they can show a little personality and/or humor in the messaging, that's a good sign. Sometimes they don't come off that way and you might be pleasantly surprised when you meet them in person, but I think it's rare that you find someone who seems engaging only to reveal themselves to not be. The solution is to use better screening. If they can't give at least an inkling of being able to hold a decent conversation online or through text, move on to someone who can.