FriendZone Confirmed [maybe - update]

[KBarletta]

And I do date other people she just has no idea. I live alone so it's very easy for me to see other people when she isn't around, I just don't get to close to any of them.

 

Curious, why don't you let her know that you're seeing other people? She might then get the message that you're not always going to be on her "friendzone" hook should something really work out with one of these other women. I'm not suggesting you be manipulative, just that you be honest. You see other women because you're not getting what you really want from her, which is a relationship. This doesn't work either because as long as you're hung up on her, you're never going to give your whole self to another person. That means all of those relationships will be likely to fail in the end because they're just surface relationships. I'd be honest with her and let her know you're dating. That might actually end up being good for you.

 

Secondly, to those who say "once you're friendzoned, there's no getting out." That's just not true. A few months after I met the woman who became my wife, we'd been on a few dates, but she wanted to "just be friends." I agreed, but proceeded to distance myself from her and start seeing other people. We ended up hooking up a few months later and eventually we were married for almost 10 years.

[ironspider]

You guys/gals are great. Lots of great advice that I'm not taking.

 

Recently we've spent a lot of time together after I told myself I would back away a bit. Now I think I have to for my own sanity. Yesterday she told me that she has a blind date tonight, she knows I don't like hearing it but told me anyway. Shortly into the conversation we were interrupted thankfully so I didn't get details.

 

I'm more upset than I thought I'd be. Now I'm just trying to scrape together a date to keep me company tonight so I don't wallow. I'm not sure what bothers me more: The fact that she has a date or the fact that she knows I don't like hearing about this stuff. It's going to be a long day/night as I have to spend all day with her at work. I wonder if she'll bring it up again and what stupid thing will come out of my mouth.

[ironspider]

Any update op, curious?

 

I hope you are not wasting more time on this woman...

 

I respect what was posted before but if you think being friends with this woman is going to get what you want the odds are so stacked against you for it to happen.

 

Being friends turning into a relationship just not realistic in real life.

That is movie material and unfortunately many women will give this advice to you that being friends first will lead to a relationship...

 

Do not buy it....

 

I hate to say this but I think you and others are right.

[KBarletta]

You guys/gals are great. Lots of great advice that I'm not taking.

 

Recently we've spent a lot of time together after I told myself I would back away a bit. Now I think I have to for my own sanity. Yesterday she told me that she has a blind date tonight, she knows I don't like hearing it but told me anyway. Shortly into the conversation we were interrupted thankfully so I didn't get details.

 

I'm more upset than I thought I'd be. Now I'm just trying to scrape together a date to keep me company tonight so I don't wallow. I'm not sure what bothers me more: The fact that she has a date or the fact that she knows I don't like hearing about this stuff. It's going to be a long day/night as I have to spend all day with her at work. I wonder if she'll bring it up again and what stupid thing will come out of my mouth.

 

 

I have been there, so I really do know how difficult this is, but you really do need to distance yourself from this woman. She's seeing other people and you have unrequited feelings for her.

 

Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that you are not interested in hearing about her dating life because it's only going to cause you pain. Then I'd back away from her for your own self preservation. I'm not saying you should cut her off, just live your life, see other people, keep yourself busy with other things and let her do the same. Let her miss you. She can't do that if you're always there.

[ironspider]

I have been there, so I really do know how difficult this is, but you really do need to distance yourself from this woman. She's seeing other people and you have unrequited feelings for her.

 

Honestly, if it were me, I would tell her that you are not interested in hearing about her dating life because it's only going to cause you pain. Then I'd back away from her for your own self preservation. I'm not saying you should cut her off, just live your life, see other people, keep yourself busy with other things and let her do the same. Let her miss you. She can't do that if you're always there.

 

If she brings it up again today, I will certainly tell her that I don't want to hear about it. It's so difficult to back away from her though, I enjoy her company more than anyone I can remember.

[preraph]

You can't tell a friend you don't want to hear about it. You've now reached that place you can't be her friend.

She's telling you openly because she is making sure you know it isn't going to happen with you two. The fact she's telling you it's implicit that she isn't going to put up with you being possessive with her. You should probably just move on, but if not, you have to act like an adult and accept that this is how it is and that friends talk about dates with friends.

[TaxMan]

If she brings it up again today, I will certainly tell her that I don't want to hear about it. It's so difficult to back away from her though, I enjoy her company more than anyone I can remember.

 

Believe me, I've been there, so I know how hard it is. But I also know that you can do one of two things here, as I see it:

 

1. Remain her friend, continue to bury your feelings, be in pain every time she talks about her dates, never fully commit to anyone else while you have feelings for her, then eventually watch as she goes off and gets married and has a life with someone else.

 

2. Tell her you can't be her close friend because you've developed feelings for her and that if she's not interested in you, then you have to move on and step away from the friendship.

 

You may enjoy her company, but all you're doing by continuing to sit on her "bench" is limit yourself to being only her friend and not pursing other opportunities, while she does exactly that.

 

I would tell her you're into her and want to date her. If she doesn't want that, then you probably ought to walk away.

[healing light]

She's probably telling you about the blind date so you'll get off your ass and ask her out.

 

You friendzoned yourself here, blew an opportunity to tell her how you felt, and continue to not ask her out directly.

 

Just ask her out, for the love of god.

 

Stop cowering in fear around it--make your intentions known. If, either way, you're going to lose the friendship because you can't handle her dating other guys, then she at least deserves to know your hat is in the ring to be something more.

[ironspider]

So a few days have passed, she must know that I'm upset or angry as we haven't really talked. I texted her that we need to meet for a drink (this needs to be done in person), still trying to figure out when, tonight, tomorrow idk. I texted her today that I need to fix this because I am miserable and she replied "we will."

 

This meeting will be a defining moment as I've been thinking about what to say to her. I will express my interest in her, and will let her know why this all bothers me, what mistakes I have made etc. We know how to talk to each other so I think we'll figure it out.

 

I believe that we will both apologize and continue being friends, not "best friends" as she likes to refer to me.

 

Through all of this, I had no idea how hurt I would be. I don't know if I'm hurt because our friendship will never be the same, or the realization that I'm not the guy for her. Regardless, I haven't felt this bad in decades.

[ironspider]

For those of you whom are interested...We did meet for drinks tonight. It was very awkward. She cried, I got upset. She is not into me in the relationship way. We spoke about friendships, what should and should not be discussed. She trusts me with everything, like I already knew. We had a problem with the "white elephant" in the room {my feelings for her), she knew as I thought, coming into this.

 

I have no shot. I'm devastated and relieved at the same time. No, not really, I'm just devastated to be honest. I knew it but never heard it from her.

 

We are dead set on being friends as we were. We discussed the eventual decline of the relationship when we date others...But it'll be harder for me as she really has no feelings for me as I do her.

 

I thank you all for listening and giving me advice in this very difficult time for me. I knew it wouldn't end my way, and it did not. After all of that, I still love her more than I can remember. I'm now in a small depression.

 

We did decide that our relationship should continue as it was, we are, in fact, best friends. But...I'm now considering dropping the best friend thing. Maybe I'm talking all sorts of DUNG to her when I say I am fine with being just friends. I cannot escape the fact that I'm absolutely in love with her.

 

I have every guys dream life right now. I'm in control of my life, I can date whom I want, take home who I want. I can bed who I want, i can throw away those I don't. But LOVE doesn't mess around and I've been caught in the hell it becomes.

 

Again, I am devastated right now, but will recover. I do, however, need to thank you all for your advice. As much as we decided it will go back to normal, the "white elephant" is still there and represents an unfaltering love for her. But I thank you all and will update when possible. Thanks for being here, my best friend is the only one I can talk about this to, but she is the source of my misery.

[ironspider]

Sorry, she's not the source of my misery. I am the source of my own thoughts. She's given me wonderful memories, those of which I'll cherish. She's a wonderful woman, a woman who is so special that I can't express.

 

I feel lucky to be around her.

[TaxMan]

I cannot escape the fact that I'm absolutely in love with her.

 

This is why I think you're making a mistake if you think you can continue to be friends as before. You are in love with her. You are going to see her date other guys and you will continue to feel devastated as you do now.

 

My advice would be to take some space and time away from this friendship. You need to heal from this heartbreak and you'll never be able to do that if you keep spending time with her.

 

I'd give yourself a good amount of time away from her, until you collect your thoughts, then start seeing other people and do your best to forget her. At some point, you'll find someone else who excites you as she did, then maybe some day you can go back to being her friends.

 

But staying friends with her - at least right now - is a recipe for disaster in my opinion. You'll keep reliving this heartbreak and never really be able to move on, which you deserve to do. You deserve to move on to someone who cares about you and wants to be with you the way you deserve.

[preraph]

You need to stop seeing her because it's going to hurt you and eventually it's going to make her mad. Her boyfriend is going to not like her being friends with someone who's in love with her (or possibly any guy) and at some point, it's just going to end. Or else you'll end up in between bfs being the guy she unloads on. She should use girlfriends for that. You should cut loose so you can move on. Sorry it turned out that way, but as one friend once told me, "If a guy is interested in you, you'll know. There won't be any guessing."

[Marc878]

You keep hanging around in the friend zone you'll not develope your own life.

 

Good for her but what are you getting out of it?

 

But it's your life to waste.

[SpecialJ]

I'm proud of you for being open and honest with her, which opens you up to move on.

 

When I was in college, my best guy friend there was in love with me and I truly had zero idea. He told me just before summer break, and I didn't feel that way about him at all and had to tell him that. We didn't talk once for the entire summer, and tried being friends again when we got back to school. Well, the good news is, the no contact break was great for him, and I noticed a short time later that he and a friend of mine had a bit of a spark the first time they'd met at a party. So I set them up. This was probably 15 years ago... they are still married, and we are all still friends!

[ironspider]

So that was all on tuesday night. Wednesday we went to find jeans for me. Thursday and Friday I went on a date with a new lady.

 

I have to admit, things are a little weird between us. In a matter of days we've devolved from attached at the hip to arms length. As weird as this sounds I hold a bit of contempt towards her, which is silly and childish. But I also don't get the cute looks and such from her. It's only Saturday though, I'm 4 days removed from our "talk" but can't help feeling that I've ruined a good friendship.

 

My date went well on thursday and friday, I'm hoping she can distract me from this mess.

[SpecialJ]

I don't think you ruined anything because if you're still hanging out, you're both committed to trying to be friends. But take a break and distance yourself for a month or two before you jump back into hanging out with her. You'll feel better than if you force it right away when you're feeling rejected and hurt.

[Contrariwise]

I recently went through the same kind of friend zone breakup, so I feel ya. We were awesome friends, did everything together, and even had nick-names for each other. I thought there was more and when I discussed it with her, I found out we were no where near being on the same page. It crushed me. We tried to be friends, but ultimately I had to walk away completely. I was depressed for awhile, as you mentioned, but it is getting better. Unfortunately, I still see her everyday and occasionally it all comes rushing back, but that is becoming less frequent. Moving on really is the only choice, though it sucks.

[TheDawg]

I have news for you, OP: this is going to go on until one of you cuts bait. Stop torturing yourself and remove yourself from the relationship. There's never going to be a time when the two of you want the same thing. You want her romantically and she doesn't. Stop already and cut her off for good. Only then will you be able to move on. What's the end game here? This is not a healthy relationship for either one of you.

[GuitarGuy7]

First off, I would like to say congratulations, you told this girl how you felt. I don't want you to feel bad, you did nothing wrong. Because now i'm sure you feel this sense of relief because now you know she doesn't feel the same way.

 

When you tell a girl how you feel, it's going to be risky. You could lose that friendship.

 

 

Let me tell you a story. Last semester, I met this beautiful girl in my class. Super nice, super sweet, and we had similar interests. I enjoyed talking to her but going in, I only had one intention and that was to see if she was interested or not. If she didn't feel the same way, i'm not going to waste my time. I wound up asking her out after about two months of talking to her, and she said no. In fact, she deleted me from Snapchat and we don't even talk at all anymore. Did it hurt? Heck yeah it did, but i'm glad I did it. Because I realize that if I invest in this girl for a year, become friends with her while secretly wanting a relationship and then FINALLY get the courage to ask her out only to realize she doesn't feel the same way, that's a year wasted on one girl when I could have been chasing multiple women. It's much better to ask a girl out on day 20 as opposed to day 200. Because for 200 days, you're wondering and contemplating whether or not she likes you back or not, it's like mental torture.

 

 

I think this is how you should approach dating. If you see a girl that you're attracted to, you should go in with the mindset that you're going to tell her your intentions and how you feel about her relatively early on.

 

Now don't get me wrong, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being friends with a girl. However, if you're absolutely in love with a girl, then being friends with her probably isn't going to workout because you have such deep feelings for her.

Edited March 2, 2018 by GuitarGuy7

[ironspider]

Something interesting happened with my friendzone friend and it kind of makes me happy. Some things have changed since I've revealed my feelings towards her. We don't go out much, don't stay at each others homes for the night, we've mainly become buddies. I don't ever ask her to do anything anymore, however, we've remained close enough.

 

I've started seeing someone lately and was explaining this to another colleague who knows the girl. My "friend" comes up behind me just as my other colleague asked if I was going to see her again. At this point I shut up as I don't want to talk about anything with her around (I really do still have a thing for her.) She says "you don't need to stop talking." She heard it but I walked away.

 

A few hours later she says to me that she thinks we should do something this weekend, we decided on breakfast yesterday but that didn't work out and asked me to do something with her last night but I had a date and couldn't (yes, I lied about the reason) So she said we should do dinner this week. I am pretty sure this all means nothing other than she realizes we haven't been hanging out much outside of work, but it still makes me feel good that she is taking the lead in making sure we get together. I think she may miss me in a weird kind of way.