Did I over react? ***Updated*** Exclusive but not her bf

[Mjm1014]

Just wondering if I'm thinking too much into things..

 

I met a girl about 3 months ago (going on 4), we are both 30, have been consistently seeing each other about 4 times a week since we met, are intimate, and recently met her family (she's yet to meet mine, but I think she will soon-she seems hesitant). Overall, we have a great relationship-although since day one she's told me she wants to take it slow.

 

Anyways about a week ago I asked her where this was going and she said she wants to "exclusively date me and only me" but then went on to say she wants to call me her "man" but doesn't want to call me her boyfriend. She went on to say she usually doesn't throw the boyfriend term around until at least the 6 month mark if not longer. Since we had that talk she's seemed a bit distant, and keeps telling me she's extremely afraid to fall in love with me...she even cried to me one night saying she's scared about her feelings. I feel like there is more to the story though..

 

A few days ago she also told me that her ex that she dated for 3 months will be in town and I think she was hinting that she wanted to hang out with him. I didn't say no or get defensive but she immediately said "nvm, if I see him I want you to come along" and "don't worry I don't want to see him unless you come along" then went on to say that he didn't even ask her to get together? A night later she also confessed to making out with a guy about a month ago and told me that she's felt guilty about it ever since then. Totally didn't see that coming since she seemed so into me. She blamed it on the alcohol at a party.

 

Anyways we do seem to have a great relationship and I've been really happy, but I'm wondering if she's not labeling it a relationship so she can have her cake and eat it too. Like at this point, I'm not sure whys she's so hesitant to call me her bf and label it. At 3-4 months I want to know she's 100% in or I want to be 100% out and just date around- I feel like I'm kinda stuck in the middle and in limbo. Holidays are also coming up which complicates things when I have to introduce her to relatives. I'm looking for something serious and don't want to waste my time if she's wishy-washy that's all. I honestly have no idea if she's just legitimately taking things slow or there is another motive.

 

Again she does seem to like me a lot, should I lay off the subject or do you think I have a legitimate concern? Part of me feels like I'm thinking too much into things, but the other part of me feels like I could be wasting my time-like she's just dating me until something else better comes along (reason she won't label us). What do you think?

Edited December 7, 2017 by Mjm1014

[sdraw108]

She doesn't want to refer to you as her boyfriend 4 months in, but it happy to call it exclusive and call you her "man" (what on earth is the difference??), she wants to hang out with her ex, and she made out with another guy.

 

She sounds flaky and dishonest. I think there is trouble down the road if you continue with this one.

 

If you want to continue it, I'd give an ultimatum. "Get serious, or I'm gone". Her reaction should be revealing.

[Mjm1014]

She doesn't want to refer to you as her boyfriend 4 months in, but it happy to call it exclusive and call you her "man" (what on earth is the difference??), she wants to hang out with her ex, and she made out with another guy.

 

She sounds flaky and dishonest. I think there is trouble down the road if you continue with this one.

 

If you want to continue it, I'd give an ultimatum. "Get serious, or I'm gone". Her reaction should be revealing.

 

I really do want to give an ultimatum, but at the same time I don't want to be overly pushy since overall things seem to be going well (besides the make out part)...also the whole ex thing, I'm not sure how serious she is about seeing him. I'll take your advice though and just lay it all on the line....

[kendahke]

 

I met a girl about 3 months ago (going on 4), we are both 30, have been consistently seeing each other about 4 times a week since we met, are intimate.

 

Anyways about a week ago I asked her where this was going and she said she wants to "exclusively date me and only me" but then went on to say she wants to call me her "man" but doesn't want to call me her boyfriend.

 

A few days ago she also told me that her ex that she dated for 3 months will be in town and I think she was hinting that she wanted to hang out with him.

 

A night later she also confessed to making out with a guy about a month ago and told me that she's felt guilty about it ever since then. Totally didn't see that coming since she seemed so into me. She blamed it on the alcohol at a party.

 

I'm wondering if she's not labeling it a relationship so she can have her cake and eat it too. Like at this point, I'm not sure whys she's so hesitant to call me her bf and label it. At 3-4 months I want to know she's 100% in or I want to be 100% out and just date around- I feel like I'm kinda stuck in the middle and in limbo.

 

She wants you to hang out in the bull pen warming up until she sees how these other scenarios are going to play out because she's not 100% invested in this. In case the ex or the guy she was making out with don't want to hang with her on NYE, and in the future, Valentine's Day, she's got you on back up.

 

 

Holidays are also coming up which complicates things when I have to introduce her to relatives.

 

You don't have to bring her around your relatives. Take a cue from her. Why do you think you haven't been introduced? Because she doesn't want to have to explain her messy behavior to her family.

 

I'm looking for something serious and don't want to waste my time if she's wishy-washy that's all. I honestly have no idea if she's just legitimately taking things slow or there is another motive.

 

You're going to have to make that decision. 3 months is long enough for her to know that she wants to proceed with you. We're not talking 3 weeks here. You're at the point in this where weak relationships begin to fail because the representatives who have been on their best behavior have been dismissed and the real "you" and the real "her" have come to the fore. The "real" her is messy and is still entertaining other men while saying to you that she's exclusive with you.

 

Again she does seem to like me a lot, should I lay off the subject or do you think I have a legitimate concern? Part of me feels like I'm thinking too much into things, but the other part of me feels like I could be wasting my time-like she's just dating me until something else better comes along (reason she won't label us). What do you think?

 

No. You're noticing inconsistencies in her behavior and the red flags are whipping you in the face

 

I'd put some distance between her and myself, unless you're just here for humiliation and pain.

[kendahke]

I really do want to give an ultimatum, but at the same time I don't want to be overly pushy since overall things seem to be going well (besides the make out part)...also the whole ex thing,

 

Things aren't going well, unless you like being cuckolded. She's supposed to be exclusive, but her ex and this other guy are in front of you in line. You're not first with her. She's keeping you at arms length for a reason other than being afraid to call you a boyfriend.

 

Calling you "her man" and "boyfriend" is no difference.

 

Don't bring her home any more.

Edited December 7, 2017 by kendahke

[Gaeta]

People that want to take things slow in new relationships do not date 4 times a week.

 

Then you have the 4 months in she gives you a bunch of excuses why she doesn't want to call you her bf because it takes her at least 6 months. Well, that's a big load of BS when you know she calls that ex of hers *boyfriend* when she dated him 3 months eh?

 

I am sorry, I think you are the temporary guy. Good enough to fill the void till she get enough. I would move on if I were you.

[LostOnes05]

You sir are being strung along with the longest rope she could find...

Red Flag #1: You're her man but not her bf

Red Flag #2: She wants to hang out with her ex (that allegedly didn't ask her to hang out)

Red Flag #3: She made out with another guy

 

At best she is testing to see how weak your boundaries are. At worst, she is cheating/thinking about cheating and since she doesn't consider you her bf...is it really cheating in her mind?? I think you're going to regret staying in this situation long-term (if that even happens). When you decide to lay down some clear cut boundaries, my bottom dollar says she will label you as "controlling" and sweep you to the side.

[MaleIntuition]

Unless labeling is important to you I fail to see what the practical difference is? Pushing to hard for a label might come off as a bit insecure or possessive. If your relationship is good and you are happy, why not just keep being happy for a couple of more months?

[kendahke]

Unless labeling is important to you I fail to see what the practical difference is? Pushing to hard for a label might come off as a bit insecure or possessive. If your relationship is good and you are happy, why not just keep being happy for a couple of more months?

 

Their relationship isn't good:

A few days ago she also told me that her ex that she dated for 3 months will be in town and I think she was hinting that she wanted to hang out with him.

 

A night later she also confessed to making out with a guy about a month ago

[BarbedFenceRider]

"Monkey branching"....And Plan B.

 

By the way...If she said "made out" with another guy, she means she boinked him...I'm pretty sure others will chime in on this one.

 

4 months is a pretty long time for "confused feelings". Unfortunately, she will end up repeating this behavior with every LTR going forward. Cut and run my man. She has issues. Sorry.

[MaleIntuition]

Their relationship isn't good:

 

Op wrote: «Anyways we do seem to have a great relationship and I've been really happy». Only OP can judge whether or not his relationship is good or not.

 

The fact she told him about the ex and the guy from a month ago makes me think she values honesty and open communication?

[smackie9]

I wouldn't buy it, none of it. If this is how she works around seeing her ex, which I doubt she would like it if you were meeting your ex, I wouldn't be so accepting or trust her. You are being taken for a ride.

 

To her you don't have much value, or she doesn't value the type of relationship you expect. I would ditch her before this gets anymore shady.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Op wrote: «Anyways we do seem to have a great relationship and I've been really happy». Only OP can judge whether or not his relationship is good or not.

 

The fact she told him about the ex and the guy from a month ago makes me think she values honesty and open communication?

 

Okay....Then lets say "healthy". That behavior is NOT. she tells him "lets get serious". But then "But wait", I want to move slow....For a half a year. Give me a break. lol

Atleast if you can distance yourself emotionally, you could just be the FWB. But have side chicks too. Then it's even steven time....

But please, use a condom and get checked! Very serious here....

[Highndry]

Just curious - what sort of advice are you looking for that you haven't already received in all of these other threads about the same exact thing?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/640541-best-way-handle-being-strung-along

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/642297-odd-situation-girl-i-m-dating

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/642614-did-i-over-react

[BluesPower]

Please give me a break...

 

Dude you are 30 YO and asking about this stuff.

 

So let me spell it out. She is stringing you along. So do not get attached.

 

She is playing you and I am not really sure what for????

 

The guy she kissed a month ago, yeah, she banged his brains out, trust me on that.

 

You need to run for your life, now...

[sdraw108]

Unless labeling is important to you I fail to see what the practical difference is?

 

Think a little outside the box about what you just said. There is no practical difference, right? Well that goes both ways. If there is no practical difference, why is the girl so insistent that he's her "man" and not her "boyfriend"? Clearly there is a practical difference to her, which means there should be a practical difference to the OP. Tie that in with the ex and the making out with a 3rd man, and you have your answer. Labeling is important when the label is perfectly normal (at 3 months in) and there is suspect behaviour going on.

[Mjm1014]

Think a little outside the box about what you just said. There is no practical difference, right? Well that goes both ways. If there is no practical difference, why is the girl so insistent that he's her "man" and not her "boyfriend"? Clearly there is a practical difference to her, which means there should be a practical difference to the OP. Tie that in with the ex and the making out with a 3rd man, and you have your answer. Labeling is important when the label is perfectly normal (at 3 months in) and there is suspect behaviour going on.

 

 

Thanks for the response...I completely agree, I just wasn't sure if I was overthinking things (I tend to sometimes), but just too many red flags on her end. I'm just really not sure how to bring up all these red flags without sounding pushy or controlling (bringing up her ex or pushing for a relationship). I don't mind if she meets up with him since she's told me she doesn't consider me her bf, but don't need her stringing me along if she plans on spending time with him and I'm really NOT her man (likely I won't know whether she is seeing him or not) when I could also be dating around since she seems kind of uncertain. I feel like in limbo with her-oh well I guess this turned more into venting than anything...I know what I need to do. Lol

[MaleIntuition]

Think a little outside the box about what you just said. There is no practical difference, right? Well that goes both ways. If there is no practical difference, why is the girl so insistent that he's her "man" and not her "boyfriend"? Clearly there is a practical difference to her, which means there should be a practical difference to the OP. Tie that in with the ex and the making out with a 3rd man, and you have your answer. Labeling is important when the label is perfectly normal (at 3 months in) and there is suspect behaviour going on.

 

I think it’s a psychological difference to her - not necessarily a practical one. Exclusive still means exclusive, right? But yeah, I do see your point, afraid of commitment and afraid to fall in love are not good signs. Bringing up the issue again will probably just push her further away though.