No-coparenting, ..

[Blanco]

Why is there this mindset of because of a custody agreement there can be no flexibility? That's not good for our son. It's time for her to put down the sword and work together. The kid wants to see his Dad, let him do so.. It's what I do when he is with me. It's amazing the hate and resentment she has toward me seems ok to you guys, with no realization how it's going to impact our son. He knows Mom doesn't like Dad, and it shouldn't be that way.

 

Oh, she has done plenty wrong. That's probably another thread though... Lol..

 

Yeah, but it's not up to your son which parent he's with and when. He's a child. He doesn't get to call the shots. It seems like you're only assuaging him because what he wants would benefit you.

 

Even if it's not what you want, you should be responding to your son's requests by making it clear you hear him and understand him. But to follow that up with an explanation in terms a child can explain of why he's with you sometimes and why he's with her the other times.

 

By entertaining his requests and leaving the decision up to the mother, you've basically responded to a child's request to have ice cream for dinner by saying, "Well, I'm OK with it, but let's see what your mother says." You're putting her in a no-win situation.

[basil67]

Why is there this mindset of because of a custody agreement there can be no flexibility?

 

If you want a flexible custody agreement, then it needs to be built INTO the custody agreement. It's not OK to make an agreement and try to change it after the fact.

 

To seek change, you need to take it back to the lawyers and try to negotiate a a new agreement.

[MJJean]

I, too, see nothing wrong with your exW's behavior during her parenting time. You have nearly 50/50 custody. She is under no legal or moral obligation to give you part of her half.

[stillafool]

Why do women always get primary custody of the kids?

[GunslingerRoland]

Why do women always get primary custody of the kids?

 

They are assumed to be the better parent, unless proven otherwise. The mindset is slowly shifting but Dad's are generally seen as the incompetent parent.

[noelle303]

Why do women always get primary custody of the kids?

 

Actually, more and more states are turning towards 50-50 arrangements, as evidence by the OP's case.

 

I personally have primary physical custody due to the fact that my ex wasn't even in my daughter's life for the first 5 years. He knew it would be unrealistic to demand anything more than visitation and we settled on primary for me, visitation for him.

[OatsAndHall]

 

When my daughter first started spending time in her father's house, she would ask for me. Emotionally - yes, I'd tell him to bring her over in a second. Rationally - I told her that now it's her dad's time and I'll see her on Sunday evening. Same goes for when she's with me and asks about seeing him.

 

This.

 

Right now, you are fostering the bad feelings between your ex and your son. He's six years old and you are putting him in the middle of the situation by communicating this way.

 

You're not going to get any more visitation time by taking this approach; you'll just end up with a confused and upset child.

 

You ARE mixing messages by telling him that he can ask to see you whenever he wants because he CAN'T see you at the drop of a hat.

[dichotomy]

Its unfortunate but my personal experience is there is usually some tension, anger and game with visitation after a divorce. Some times very bad. Happened with most divorced couples I know. Slight games and tension in visitation - along with some badmouthing - just happens.

 

Its also hard on the kids when this happens. Part of the reason I never divorced after I had my own. Also like you the amount of money spent (mainly me) was outrageously expensive.

 

Also kids are going to be kids - and ask for the other bio parent when its not time for visitation. Heck even in a normal two person marriage - kids emotionally bounce back and forth - seeking one parent or another - like the wind - when emotional needs happen. Our stepchild would often use the "I want to be with dad" when we were being strict, or had emotional breakdowns.

 

but we had some minor success when we put my stepchild in with a really good child therapist. My stepchild went alone (90%) of the time - my wife or I sat in waiting room and we did not discuss what was discussed - we did not interfere or influence the child therapy. If you believe your child is under stress from the custody and visitation - you may wish to search for a good child therapist in the area. I dont know what your custody arrangement may say about you unilaterally putting him in therapy when he is with you - we had most complete freedom - but biodad did believe we were using therapist to "influence" the situation in our favor and your wife may take a similar view. Also we let bio dad and his wife call into a few sessions (without us present) - we wanted to be non controlling. I believe their call ins (unlike us) were used to bash us - to therapist in some warped view they needed to counter something we said. We said very little about them - so the therapist was able to develop her own opinions on things.

Edited November 18, 2017 by dichotomy

[turnera]

She is at work when she takes him to see his Grandparents. I have nothing against them but if she is at work he needs to be with his Father. I am respectful of her time, but I care more about our son and his wishes and desires. If he is requesting to see either parent arrangements should be made to make it happen.

First, if you don't have a legal right of first refusal, he doesn't 'need' to be with his father. You WANT him to be with his father, but this is what co-parenting looks like. Her legal time with him is hers to do whatever she wants. Second, you say you 'care more about your son' but what you're really saying is you think he will or should want to be with YOU. Third, you SAY he is requesting to see you when he's not with you, but you aren't there, are you? How do you know that he's saying that?