How do people do this immediately post break-up and in the weeks that follow??

[TheOnlyOne73]

How long would it take for him to become curious? It's been 3 weeks of absolutely no contact today.

[BC1980]

So yeah, I was the dumper, but I know I hurt more. The truth is some dumpers feel forced to walk away because they've been hurting for so long in the relationship, and often mistreated. Not every dumpee is a victim.

 

I think forced dumpers are different. They tend to take on the dumpee's role from what I've seen on this board, and it makes sense. If you want the relationship to work but walk because you know your BF/GF doesn't want it to work as badly, you're still the one who was doing the chasing. You're still the one was in the weaker position and who probably had more invested in the outcome. Breaking up with someone to wake them up is a good example that I see on this board. If you've gotten to that point, the power dynamics are very skewed and you're in the weaker position.

 

Based on OP's story, I would say she is the forced dumper and is hurting more. The rare dumpers that find their way to LS are more upset that they are hurting a person they care about and are asking about the best way to breakup. They are asking if they should go NC to avoid hurting the person they are dumping. That's the kind of hurting they are doing. They are not going back over what went wrong in the relationship because they went through that phase in the relationship.

[BC1980]

How long would it take for him to become curious? It's been 3 weeks of absolutely no contact today.

 

I'd say the most likely time is within in the first 90 days. Once you get outside that time frame, the curiosity seems to drop off. That's solely based on LS threads I've seen. But with the holidays coming up, that is a prime time to drop breadcrumbs. So be ready for that.

[lana-banana]

One problem is that people take the words of their exes at face value. In my experience, the vast majority of the things you hear in a breakup just aren't true. There's "this relationship is over", and then there's a ton of nonsense from both sides until somebody can't take it anymore and leaves.

 

I remember how my Worst Ex sobbed (yes, sobbed) about how much he loved me and he'd never be able to get over me and never forgive himself for how much he hurt me, that it'd be years before he could ever trust himself again, blah blah blah. He hooked up with his now-wife less than a month later.

 

One of the most important lessons I learned in my single days was that if someone wants to be with you they will, full stop. Nobody is tormenting themselves over how much they want to contact you but feel like they just can't. If they want to reach out, they're going to find a way. When a lot of time goes by and someone hasn't contacted you, it's because they don't want to. Never give more than you get. If you aren't at the forefront of someone's mind, they don't deserve to be at the forefront of yours.

[BC1980]

One problem is that people take the words of their exes at face value. In my experience, the vast majority of the things you hear in a breakup just aren't true. There's "this relationship is over", and then there's a ton of nonsense from both sides until somebody can't take it anymore and leaves.

 

Basically this. I would not take much seriously that anyone says after a breakup. At some point, you just have to walk away and make it simple. This person doesn't want to be with me, and it's pretty clear based on his/her actions. My ex said a bunch of the same things OP's ex said. All the crying and saying that he was losing such a great person. I remember going through the same thing and just walking away out of sheer exasperation and also because I couldn't take myself seriously anymore. And that guy never reached out again, and he got engaged a year after we broke up.

[Beachead]

Basically this. I would not take much seriously that anyone says after a breakup. At some point, you just have to walk away and make it simple. This person doesn't want to be with me, and it's pretty clear based on his/her actions. My ex said a bunch of the same things OP's ex said. All the crying and saying that he was losing such a great person. I remember going through the same thing and just walking away out of sheer exasperation and also because I couldn't take myself seriously anymore. And that guy never reached out again, and he got engaged a year after we broke up.

 

It's true. I've had similar experiences with exes which is why I pay very little attention to what anyone says now and focus more on what they do. You can only go by what they choose to do.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Beachead

[TheOnlyOne73]

One problem is that people take the words of their exes at face value. In my experience, the vast majority of the things you hear in a breakup just aren't true. There's "this relationship is over", and then there's a ton of nonsense from both sides until somebody can't take it anymore and leaves.

 

Then why do they bother, apart from to confuse the person on the receiving end? To alleviate guilt? I didn't say anything to him during the break-up about him being a great person who deserved happiness etc, because a) I didn't see the point and didn't see how it would help anyone, b) it would complicate matters, and c) I didn't feel like he deserved for his ego to be stroked at that moment in time.

 

Basically I should just expect not to hear from him again, and to not contact him as I genuinely don't want to.

 

He's always felt he was in a position of power because he could have me back whenever he wanted during the last break-up and string me along. It was only when I told him I was moving on and that I had to get over "us" that he spurred into action and started kissing my hand, initiating contact, and acting beggy. I contacted him 3 times after that break-up, whereas this time round I have said nothing. This time round, I have also told him that I was going to make my life bigger and better.

Edited November 16, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[lana-banana]

Then why do they bother, apart from to confuse the person on the receiving end? To alleviate guilt?

 

Yep, pretty much. They feel bad about hurting you and they want to feel better, so they tear themselves down until you either reassure them they aren't so bad or just walk away. And then they can wake up the next day thinking "gee, I must not be such a bad person. A bad person wouldn't have been so upset!"

 

I'm not saying this is a conscious effort. It's not, at all. It's just something immature people do to cope with hard emotions.

[Beachead]

Then why do they bother, apart from to confuse the person on the receiving end? To alleviate guilt? I didn't say anything to him during the break-up about him being a great person who deserved happiness etc, because a) I didn't see the point and didn't see how it would help anyone, b) it would complicate matters, and c) I didn't feel like he deserved for his ego to be stroked at that moment in time.

 

Basically I should just expect not to hear from him again, and to not contact him as I genuinely don't want to.

 

He's always felt he was in a position of power because he could have me back whenever he wanted during the last break-up and string me along. It was only when I told him I was moving on and that I had to get over "us" that he spurred into action and started kissing my hand, initiating contact, and acting beggy. I contacted him 3 times after that break-up, whereas this time round I have said nothing. This time round, I have also told him that I was going to make my life bigger and better.

 

I'm not entirely sure why some people do what they do but I do know this.

 

When a person doesn't know what they want, their actions won't know what they want either and that is what you are picking up on. If they are confused in their mind, their actions are confused and you will be confused. When they know what they want, so will their actions and you will feel very little confusion. Also someone who cares about being with person will be willing to talk about the problems and resolve them because they are in it for the long haul.

 

This was particularily what forced me to end things with my recent ex.

 

What you should take from this is despite all the time you two have invested in eachother, he hasn't been delivering what you require. And, whatever happened following the 1st break up was enough to cause a second.

 

Should he contact you again and should you two get back together, the relationship is likely to go the same way unless the two of you, especially him, are both able to work on the problem and correct it.

Edited November 16, 2017 by Beachead

[TheOnlyOne73]

 

When a person doesn't know what they want, their actions won't know what they want either and that is what you are picking up on. If they are confused in their mind, their actions are confused and you will be confused. When they know what they want, so will their actions and you will feel very little confusion. Also someone who cares about being with person will be willing to talk about the problems and resolve them because they are in it for the long haul.

 

He did actually phone me up wanting to talk through the problems. We did 4 days before the break-up. I thought things were ok again, but then realised after the phone call that I couldn't forgive the fact he had been lying to my face about porn for 7 months so I told him I thought it was best to leave him to do whatever he wanted and that I didn't want to control him ever. It was more the fact he had kept it a secret and lied (to my face several times) than the actual porn itself. I found it very sneaky of him since we had discussed this a year ago. At the time he had said he didn't mind cutting it out, he didn't watch it often anyway and didn't enjoy watching it, so it was fine by him to give it up. He deleted the app in front of me (and MADE SURE I saw) and said all he wanted was to make me happy.

 

He phoned me up again the next day, told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and asked if we could talk about it again, but I said that he should have thought about that before he went behind my back and let me down. I said we had already discussed everything we needed to the night before. Plus, it would be me doing all the talking again if we did and coming up with solutions (never him, all he used to do was listen).

 

I feel like people need to have consequences for their actions otherwise they'll never learn, take advantage of you, and lose respect for you. You really do teach people how to treat you. I also wouldn't tolerate lying in any of my relationships. Lying isn't love. He had done things wrong before in the relationship and apologised, and each time I forgave him and never held a grudge. I felt like I couldn't do that another time, it would be self-degrading.

Then, it was 3 days after that when he agreed to the break-up as he felt I deserved better.

Edited November 16, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[TheOnlyOne73]

But with the holidays coming up, that is a prime time to drop breadcrumbs. So be ready for that.

 

 

Sorry to resurrect an old thread.

 

 

I don't see why either of us would drop breadcrumbs during the holidays....? I see the holidays as no reason to reach out. People tend to use it as an excuse to make contact.

 

Neither my ex nor I particularly valued Christmas or cared about it so the chances of either of us contacting each other are very slim. When we were in a relationship, he used to not wish me a Merry Christmas until very late at night on Christmas Day, once he had seen all of his relatives. He would basically spend the whole of Christmas Day travelling and seeing family who live an hour away. He is not the type who cares about manners and remaining cordial, so he would never in a million years wish me a Merry Christmas just to be polite.

 

I have been no contact for 2 months now, since the end of October. Neither of us have reached out in that time. I hope I never break NC.

Edited December 22, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[ExpatInItaly]

Well, it's a good thing that he very likely won't reach out.

 

Many do, but based on your description of previous holiday seasons with him, you're probably safe from unwanted contact.