How do people do this immediately post break-up and in the weeks that follow??

[Highndry]

My ex was into porn as well. He was used to getting off to it every morning before work, it was like a ritual to him. He was shocked when we moved in together, to find out that it made me uncomfortable. He thought it was such a normal thing to do, and could not understand why I'd be upset about it. I told him I had no problem with him masturbating (as long as it didn't affect our sex life), but the fact that he NEEDED porn to do it, was an issue for me. He said he was so used to it, that he basically couldn't really do it without it. I also asked him to try and change his habits, and only do that when I wasn't home, since I did not want to have to avoid going to certain areas of the house, and being told to not come into our shared office for 15 mins so he could jerk off made me extremely uncomfortable (yes, he did try to do this on a couple of occasions when I wasn't up for morning sex). I told him he should get used to going a day or two without busting his nuts, like a normal adult (or I don't know, do it in the shower without porn?), and it made him angry.

 

I completely agree with your comment about self-entitlement. I also realized my ex was completely self-indulgent, and only wanted to engage in activities that provided pleasure, avoiding adult responsibilities at all cost: getting stoned, drunk, porn, playing video games, watching cartoons, etc. All adult responsibilities were left "for tomorrow" (tomorrow often never came). Unlike your ex, mine had two long term relationships before me, and both left him due to him being a man child, and moved on to more mature men. Now with me, he's lost 3 relationships, and still hasn't changed.

 

As a guy, I think porn's bad for a lot of relationships, and it's not something I want when I'm in a relationship with a woman, but I think your comment about masturbation is rude and insensitive, and he had a right to be angry. What makes you think you know what's "normal" anyway? You are judging, and that's never a good thing in a relationship or life period.

[Nothingtolose]

As a guy, I think porn's bad for a lot of relationships, and it's not something I want when I'm in a relationship with a woman, but I think your comment about masturbation is rude and insensitive, and he had a right to be angry. What makes you think you know what's "normal" anyway? You are judging, and that's never a good thing in a relationship or life period.

 

I understand your point of view, and am sure most guys would agree with you, but I still stand by my opinion. Like I said, I have no issues with a partner masturbating, it's something we all do. However, what bothered me was the fact that he basically needed to do this every day, and required porn to do it. Since we both woke up around the same time to go to work, it created an uncomfortable situation, where he had to announce he was going to 'take care of business' and i should not go near the office (the office had a glass door, so if I walked past it in the corridor, I'd see him). To me it was just an awkward as hell situation, that could have been avoided if he just did it in the bathroom, without the need to "communicate" it to me.

 

I also asked him to just not communicate it to me and change his habits to do it when I wasn't home - no need to "let me know". I got home later than him most days, and was often away with friends for brunch etc on the weekends, so he had plenty of time alone at home to do that stuff, no need to use the mornings for it, when we both need to share common areas of the house. Also, we had PLENTY of sex, so it's not like he wasn't getting any.

 

I'm aware I'm going to be very judged for saying this, but I think some guys have an obsessive need for constant masturbation that just isn't healthy. Say what you will, but it's my opinion. It's good, it feels great, we all enjoy it, but if you have to go a day or two (or some) without, you're not gonna die - especially when you're getting regular sex from your partner. Part of being an adult is being able to control your urges, and understanding you won't always be able to do that whenever the mood strikes, especially when you're sharing a home with somebody else.

Edited November 13, 2017 by Nothingtolose
forgot to add something

[Highndry]

I understand your point of view, and am sure most guys would agree with you, but I still stand by my opinion. Like I said, I have no issues with a partner masturbating, it's something we all do. However, what bothered me was the fact that he basically needed to do this every day, and required porn to do it. Since we both woke up around the same time to go to work, it created an uncomfortable situation, where he had to announce he was going to 'take care of business' and i should not go near the office (the office had a glass door, so if I walked past it in the corridor, I'd see him). To me it was just an awkward as hell situation, that could have been avoided if he just did it in the bathroom, without the need to "communicate" it to me.

 

I also asked him to just not communicate it to me and change his habits to do it when I wasn't home - no need to "let me know". I got home later than him most days, and was often away with friends for brunch etc on the weekends, so he had plenty of time alone at home to do that stuff, no need to use the mornings for it, when we both need to share common areas of the house. Also, we had PLENTY of sex, so it's not like he wasn't getting any.

 

I'm aware I'm going to be very judged for saying this, but I think some guys have an obsessive need for constant masturbation that just isn't healthy. Say what you will, but it's my opinion. It's good, it feels great, we all enjoy it, but if you have to go a day or two (or some) without, you're not gonna die - especially when you're getting regular sex from your partner. Part of being an adult is being able to control your urges, and understanding you won't always be able to do that whenever the mood strikes, especially when you're sharing a home with somebody else.

 

Just because you think it's plenty of sex doesn't mean he does. Why is it that you think you define what is a healthy libido, and what is not? I find your comments shocking in a way.

[Nothingtolose]

Just because you think it's plenty of sex doesn't mean he does. Why is it that you think you define what is a healthy libido, and what is not? I find your comments shocking in a way.

 

We can agree to disagree then

 

As I said, my issue was with porn more so than with masturbation. Knowing your partner is in the room next door jerking off to porn is not pleasant, and it's something that I know would bother a lot of people, not just me.

 

I also find it's a private thing, that does not need to be communicated. If you feel like doing it, go to the bathroom, close the door, have a shower etc...wait till your partner is not home, there are many ways in which it can be done without creating an unnecessarily awkward situation (which was awkward in my case because it required me to basically not walk around my apartment when I should be getting ready for work, to give him "privacy").

[Highndry]

We can agree to disagree then

 

As I said, my issue was with porn more so than with masturbation. Knowing your partner is in the room next door jerking off to porn is not pleasant, and it's something that I know would bother a lot of people, not just me.

 

I also find it's a private thing, that does not need to be communicated. If you feel like doing it, go to the bathroom, close the door, have a shower etc...wait till your partner is not home, there are many ways in which it can be done without creating an unnecessarily awkward situation (which was awkward in my case because it required me to basically not walk around my apartment when I should be getting ready for work, to give him "privacy").

 

I totally agree with a lot of what you say, and I don't think the porn's healthy. I was only speaking to your opinions on what's healthy in terms of "getting the poison out" as I call it.

 

Cheers.

[TheOnlyOne73]

He thought it was such a normal thing to do, and could not understand why I'd be upset about it. I told him I had no problem with him masturbating (as long as it didn't affect our sex life), but the fact that he NEEDED porn to do it, was an issue.

 

I can completely relate to this. My ex and his best friend tried to pin not appreciating porn in a relationship on me having insecurities, when I know women with far more insecurities than me who don't mind porn in a relationship.

 

My ex called me jealous and possessive for not thinking it was a good idea to watch porn in a relationship.

 

I had a higher sex drive than him and never turned him down when he wanted sex in the 3 years we were together that I can remember, I even suggested that we film our own sextapes as a solution to the problem. I was compromising, but he still left anyway.

Edited November 13, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Nothingtolose]

I can completely relate to this. My ex and his best friend tried to pin not appreciating porn in a relationship on me having insecurities, when I know women with far more insecurities than me who don't mind porn in a relationship.

 

My ex called me jealous and possessive for not thinking it was a good idea to watch porn in a relationship.

 

I had a higher sex drive than him and never turned him down when he wanted sex in the 3 years we were together that I can remember, I even suggested that we film our own sextapes as a solution to the problem. I was compromising, but he still left anyway.

 

My ex was the same. He thought porn was the most normal thing in the world, and that the issue was the fact that I was insecure. I also had a higher sex drive than him and often proposed trying new things, which he often declined (he was very 'vanilla' when it came to sex). I even suggested watching porn together, playing with ourselves together etc, that it could be fun. He said it would be awkward, that this is the kind of thing to do in private, on your own.

 

I am not a prude by any means, but there is multiple evidence that porn affects relationships negatively - a quick google search and you can see a bunch of articles, research etc. Unfortunately, men like your ex and mine are stubborn, self-centered and set in their ways. In a way I'm so glad I no longer have to hope/wait for him to smoke less weed, drink less, pay off his debt, be more ambitious, watch less porn. I no longer need to invest my energy into any of that! It feels amazing and liberating. I think once you and I find new men who actually have their **** together and are emotionally open and aware, we'll wonder why we put up with these guys for so long, or cried when they were gone. It's hard to see it now, but the day will come, I'm sure.

[TheOnlyOne73]

My ex was the same. He thought porn was the most normal thing in the world, and that the issue was the fact that I was insecure. I also had a higher sex drive than him and often proposed trying new things, which he often declined (he was very 'vanilla' when it came to sex). I even suggested watching porn together, playing with ourselves together etc, that it could be fun. He said it would be awkward, that this is the kind of thing to do in private, on your own.

 

I am not a prude by any means, but there is multiple evidence that porn affects relationships negatively - a quick google search and you can see a bunch of articles, research etc. Unfortunately, men like your ex and mine are stubborn, self-centered and set in their ways. In a way I'm so glad I no longer have to hope/wait for him to smoke less weed, drink less, pay off his debt, be more ambitious, watch less porn. I no longer need to invest my energy into any of that! It feels amazing and liberating. I think once you and I find new men who actually have their **** together and are emotionally open and aware, we'll wonder why we put up with these guys for so long, or cried when they were gone. It's hard to see it now, but the day will come, I'm sure.

 

If it's any consolation, just think that the next woman who comes along is likely to not be so understanding and tolerant, and will likely not put up with it for as long as we did.

 

I know what you mean, it ebbs and flows, I have days where I feel good and liberated, and days where I feel down and miss him. Those days where I feel down are just the part of me that is still attached speaking.

 

I just listen to some Stevie Wonder and he makes everything alright again haha.

[Beachead]

I don't understand how an ex can happily sit there and still have your number and still have you as a contact on WhatsApp and Skype, yet resist the temptation to talk, if they are as miserable as they claim to be and still love you. Especially after a 3 year relationship in which you were their first, it makes no sense...

 

In my opinion, if someone doesn't think the relationship can be repaired, they cut all ties because having accessible contact with each other only prolongs the pain and strings the other person along.

 

Why would they ask you to keep their contact details? I find this a bit presumptuous and cheeky.

 

Did the relationship ever mean anything to them?!

 

Could be he doesn't want to come across as needy/clingy since he was the one who got dumped by you. Could be he wasn't interested enough. Could be inexperience. Could be a lot of things. You would have to reach out to him to find out. But I guess this was problem in the first place. He wasn't holding his end of the deal up and he still isn't. The main point to take away from this is you were unhappy enough to end it with him so he's not for you. If you find yourself having a difficult time, you could reach out to him once more just to confirm your original decision to end it and see what happens or you can remain No Contact and carry on. Time will take care of the rest.

 

Personally I believe that someone who truly wants to be with you, will not risk losing you.

Edited November 13, 2017 by Beachead

[TheOnlyOne73]

Could be he doesn't want to come across as needy/clingy since he was the one who got dumped by you. Could be he wasn't interested enough. Could be inexperience. Could be a lot of things. You would have to reach out to him to find out. But I guess this was problem in the first place. He wasn't holding his end of the deal up and he still isn't. The main point to take away from this is you were unhappy enough to end it with him so he's not for you. If you find yourself having a difficult time, you could reach out to him once more just to confirm your original decision to end it and see what happens or you can remain No Contact and carry on. Time will take care of the rest.

 

Personally I believe that someone who truly wants to be with you, will not risk losing you.

 

I agree, which is why I'm determined to try not to contact him ever again. I've been in NC 18 days so far, but I'm hoping I'll get to a point where I'll stop counting (maybe after 1 month).

 

I want to forget him as soon as I can. It's my mind that wanders and starts thinking loads, I don't have any physical "triggers" i.e. items or his or reminders of him in my flat. How long until the thinking stops?

Edited November 13, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Nothingtolose]

I agree, which is why I'm determined to try not to contact him ever again. I've been in NC 18 days so far, but I'm hoping I'll get to a point where I'll stop counting (maybe after 1 month).

 

I want to forget him as soon as I can. It's my mind that wanders and starts thinking loads, I don't have any physical "triggers" i.e. items or his or reminders of him in my flat. How long until the thinking stops?

 

You were with him for 3 years (same amount of time as me and my ex, and we also had a brief history of casual dating for over a year before that too....so 4 year altogether).

 

That's a significant amount of time sharing your life with someone, so it's going to take some time. I also have no "triggers" of my ex at home, but some days any random thing or song triggers a random memory and my heart sinks all over again. Hang in there, and just know you are not alone in this journey.

[TheOnlyOne73]

You were with him for 3 years (same amount of time as me and my ex, and we also had a brief history of casual dating for over a year before that too....so 4 year altogether).

 

That's a significant amount of time sharing your life with someone, so it's going to take some time. I also have no "triggers" of my ex at home, but some days any random thing or song triggers a random memory and my heart sinks all over again. Hang in there, and just know you are not alone in this journey.

 

Ok, thank you. I'm not obsessive about him anymore, just reflective. I think I knew the relationship was dead for a few months before the break-up (I tried to leave him in June of this year but failed), so when it actually happened it resonated with my inner moral compass and made sense.

 

A part of me wishes I'd never let him back in when he came back last Christmas two months after breaking up with me, because I'd be over it by now if I hadn't done that.

 

What he told me when we reconciled was that "the first few weeks after the break-up were alright but then it started to hurt."

Edited November 13, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Beachead]

Ok, thank you. I'm not obsessive about him anymore, just reflective. I think I knew the relationship was dead for a few months before the break-up (I tried to leave him in June of this year but failed), so when it actually happened it resonated with my inner moral compass and made sense.

 

A part of me wishes I'd never let him back in when he came back last Christmas two months after breaking up with me, because I'd be over it by now if I hadn't done that.

 

What he told me when we reconciled was that "the first few weeks after the break-up were alright but then it started to hurt."

 

I think you'll be okay in a few months then. If you knew it was over months before, it means you were gradually preparing for this moment. Makes all the difference in recovery time.

[TheOnlyOne73]

I think you'll be okay in a few months then. If you knew it was over months before, it means you were gradually preparing for this moment. Makes all the difference in recovery time.

 

Do men experience a delay in realising it's over? Does it take longer for it to sink in than for women? Based on our history, I think it takes longer for him to experience any true hurt, whereas I experience most of the hurt straight away.

[BC1980]

I don't understand how an ex can happily sit there and still have your number and still have you as a contact on WhatsApp and Skype, yet resist the temptation to talk, if they are as miserable as they claim to be and still love you. Especially after a 3 year relationship in which you were their first, it makes no sense...

 

In my opinion, if someone doesn't think the relationship can be repaired, they cut all ties because having accessible contact with each other only prolongs the pain and strings the other person along.

 

Why would they ask you to keep their contact details? I find this a bit presumptuous and cheeky.

 

Did the relationship ever mean anything to them?!

 

I think he does it because he's not emotionally affected by it like you are. You were the forced dumper if I remember correctly. I think he's fine being out of the relationship and having you at arm's length. A lot of people throw out the "friends" line and keep contact info. because it's really difficult to make a clean break and just never talk to the person again. Even if they are glad to be out of the relationship, it's still familiar to them- and it's probably difficult for them to imagine not talking to that person again. Time and distance will change all of that, and it will become the new normal not to speak to your ex.

 

Sure, the relationship meant something to him, but something important to keep in mind is that relationships change over time. So do emotions. We aren't stagnant, and our emotions change quite a bit over our lifetimes. Sometimes, relationships don't make it through those changes, and it's not anybody's fault. It's just the nature of relationships. Most of them are transitory, and we are very much built to move on and find new relationships when old ones end. We rage and rage against change, and we want everything to be permanent and stay the same. But alas, that's not the way it works. Better to learn how to move with it than fight against it.

[TheOnlyOne73]

I think he does it because he's not emotionally affected by it like you are. You were the forced dumper if I remember correctly. I think he's fine being out of the relationship and having you at arm's length. A lot of people throw out the "friends" line and keep contact info. because it's really difficult to make a clean break and just never talk to the person again. Even if they are glad to be out of the relationship, it's still familiar to them- and it's probably difficult for them to imagine not talking to that person again. Time and distance will change all of that, and it will become the new normal not to speak to your ex.

 

Sure, the relationship meant something to him, but something important to keep in mind is that relationships change over time. So do emotions. We aren't stagnant, and our emotions change quite a bit over our lifetimes. Sometimes, relationships don't make it through those changes, and it's not anybody's fault. It's just the nature of relationships. Most of them are transitory, and we are very much built to move on and find new relationships when old ones end. We rage and rage against change, and we want everything to be permanent and stay the same. But alas, that's not the way it works. Better to learn how to move with it than fight against it.

 

But he hasn't got me at arm's length? He hasn't got me at all because there is no form of communication whatsoever. For all he knows I could be seeing someone else now, and vice versa. I've been on a few dates since.

 

He was the one who wanted us both to keep contact info, I was the one who wanted a clean break and was going to go ahead and delete all info (which I did, but he doesn't know that). I can realistically imagine not talking to him again; the thought of that doesn't scare me.

 

During the relationship, whenever I mentioned I have exes who I never spoke to again and that I was good at "disappearing" and keeping a low profile (I barely talk to my family), he would say stuff like "don't say that, it scares me."

I think part of him is expecting me to reach out at some point, all he has to do is sit back and wait. After arguments, he would take the silent treatment route, whereas I didn't believe in any of that so I would attempt to talk to him. He didn't have much initiative or know what to say, so he would wait for me to say something. The difference this time, is that I don't want to reach out and my attachment/addiction to him is weakening, so he isn't likely to hear from me again, but obviously he isn't aware of this.

 

A lot of you may disagree with me, but knowing what I know of him, I think all of this has more to do with him running away and blocking everything out. He is better at blocking and ignoring his emotions than I am. Whenever something makes him feel remotely uncomfortable, he runs. I am more of a talker and I speak my mind, I enjoy solving issues/problems.

 

He has an avoidant attachment style, I have a cross between secure and anxious attachment styles.

Edited November 14, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Beachead]

Do men experience a delay in realising it's over? Does it take longer for it to sink in than for women? Based on our history, I think it takes longer for him to experience any true hurt, whereas I experience most of the hurt straight away.

 

It depends on the person. I can't speak for other men because we're actually different from one another. I can tell you how I am.

 

I know how I feel about someone right off the bat. If I ask them out, it's because I see potential in them for a future. It takes quite a lot for me to consider breaking up and I'm usually the one getting dumped because it's hard for me to give up on someone I love. I am willing to sacrifice. I believe communication is key I always let the person know where I'm at emotionally. I keep them in the loop because I know what being out of the loop feels like. So I fight for my relationships. I will always feel pain immediately following a break up and it will take a very long time to heal from it. I'm 3 months into a break up with my recent ex and I'm still hurting over it. My feelings die slow but once I'm over it, I'm over it and at which point it will be very unlikely to get me back.

[BC1980]

I think part of him is expecting me to reach out at some point, all he has to do is sit back and wait. After arguments, he would take the silent treatment route, whereas I didn't believe in any of that so I would attempt to talk to him. He didn't have much initiative or know what to say, so he would wait for me to say something. The difference this time, is that I don't want to reach out and my attachment/addiction to him is weakening, so he isn't likely to hear from me again, but obviously he isn't aware of this.

 

A lot of you may disagree with me, but knowing what I know of him, I think all of this has more to do with him running away and blocking everything out. He is better at blocking and ignoring his emotions than I am. Whenever something makes him feel remotely uncomfortable, he runs. I am more of a talker and I speak my mind, I enjoy solving issues/problems.

 

Though tempting, it's not a good use of your time and energy to analyze his motives. I get that's it's very tempting though, and I've done it myself. But it's really a road to nowhere, and it really just serves as a way to avoid looking at yourself. It's also a way to stay in the relationship without physically being in the relationship. It doesn't help you move on. We can only guess at his motives and his feelings, so we'll never even know if any of it's true.

[wishyouneverleft]

Do men experience a delay in realising it's over? Does it take longer for it to sink in than for women? Based on our history, I think it takes longer for him to experience any true hurt, whereas I experience most of the hurt straight away.

 

Lol, I guess I'm the exception. I was in pieces the minute my ex dumped me, she reached out months later. Don't know for what, nor do I want to find out, but my relatives told me she was wearily think and they've never seen her like this before. Lol, wishful thinking has me hoping she's feeling every bit of the pain she caused me. I know I'm being immature.

[TheOnlyOne73]

Lol, I guess I'm the exception. I was in pieces the minute my ex dumped me, she reached out months later. Don't know for what, nor do I want to find out, but my relatives told me she was wearily think and they've never seen her like this before. Lol, wishful thinking has me hoping she's feeling every bit of the pain she caused me. I know I'm being immature.

 

I know what you mean, I'm not sure if my ex will ever feel anywhere near as much pain as I felt when he broke up with me a year ago. I think some people (especially those who are emotionally unavailable), are incapable of letting things affect them as much as that - which can work to both their advantage and disadvantage in life, depending on the context.

 

I'm not going to be as cruel as he was when he was doing the breaking up, by stringing me along for 3 months afterwards. I won't string him along, I'll just go quietly, that way we will hopefully both hurt less in the long run.

Edited November 14, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[Beachead]

Lol, I guess I'm the exception. I was in pieces the minute my ex dumped me, she reached out months later. Don't know for what, nor do I want to find out, but my relatives told me she was wearily think and they've never seen her like this before. Lol, wishful thinking has me hoping she's feeling every bit of the pain she caused me. I know I'm being immature.

 

Maybe I'm an exception also because I was always devastated after a break up. It didn't take time to sink in. I knew what I lost and it killed.

 

And don't worry, I think thoughts like that are normal. Our exes caused us pain. I'm guilty of it as well

Edited November 14, 2017 by Beachead

[BC1980]

I know what you mean, I'm not sure if my ex will ever feel anywhere near as much pain as I felt when he broke up with me a year ago. I think some people (especially those who are emotionally unavailable), are incapable of letting things affect them as much as that - which can work to both their advantage and disadvantage in life, depending on the context.

 

I'm not going to be as cruel as he was when he was doing the breaking up, by stringing me along for 3 months afterwards. I won't string him along, I'll just go quietly, that way we will hopefully both hurt less in the long run.

 

If he dumped you, he's not going to feel as much pain as you. It doesn't make sense to voluntarily put yourself through that kind of pain. I think the gut reaction is to come up with reasons like emotional unavailability because it's hard to digest that a person doesn't have the same level of feelings as we do. I did the same thing. I wanted there to be some reason my ex was emotionally deficient, so I could explain away why he dumped me. It was hard to accept that he just didn't love me as much as I loved him, and we weren't suited to one another.

 

Yes, it's a bad idea to string anyone along and give false hope. From all you've described, I'd be very surprised if he came back and wanted to get back together again. I can see him coming back out of curiosity though.

[TheOnlyOne73]

If he dumped you, he's not going to feel as much pain as you. It doesn't make sense to voluntarily put yourself through that kind of pain. I think the gut reaction is to come up with reasons like emotional unavailability because it's hard to digest that a person doesn't have the same level of feelings as we do. I did the same thing. I wanted there to be some reason my ex was emotionally deficient, so I could explain away why he dumped me. It was hard to accept that he just didn't love me as much as I loved him, and we weren't suited to one another.

 

Yes, it's a bad idea to string anyone along and give false hope. From all you've described, I'd be very surprised if he came back and wanted to get back together again. I can see him coming back out of curiosity though.

 

 

I dumped him, he resisted at first then agreed to it a few days later. I'm confused by your comment. Who said I was in pain and who's to say he is or isn't in pain?? I post on here to get perspective, help me get over it, and to work through it, not because I'm in pain. I also like hearing other people's stories. This is my only emotional outlet as I don't want to talk to friends about it, and I can't go to my family about this.

 

He think he may have had a different level of feelings due to emotional unavailability, inexperience and immaturity, hence the lack of ability to commit (please see my previous posts in this thread and my discussion with Nothingtolose).

 

He had previously expressed concerns with being in relationships because he has always seen them end (his parents, his grandparents, and his sister is currently in the middle of a divorce), so he didn't see the point in being in them. He also had fears of abandonment.

 

I never said I was wondering if he'd come back; I hope he does regret losing me in the future, but I don't think that would necessarily make him come back, nor would I take him back unless there was some ground-breaking reason for that.

Edited November 15, 2017 by TheOnlyOne73

[BC1980]

I dumped him, he resisted at first then agreed to it a few days later. I'm confused by your comment. Who said I was in pain and who's to say he is or isn't in pain?? I post on here to get perspective, help me get over it, and to work through it, not because I'm in pain. I also like hearing other people's stories. This is my only emotional outlet as I don't want to talk to friends about it, and I can't go to my family about this.

 

He think he may have had a different level of feelings due to emotional unavailability, inexperience and immaturity, hence the lack of ability to commit (please see my previous posts in this thread and my discussion with Nothingtolose).

 

He had previously expressed concerns with being in relationships because he has always seen them end (his parents, his grandparents, and his sister is currently in the middle of a divorce), so he didn't see the point in being in them. He also had fears of abandonment.

 

I never said I was wondering if he'd come back; I hope he does regret losing me in the future, but I don't think that would necessarily make him come back, nor would I take him back unless there was some ground-breaking reason for that.

 

I was referring to your comment when you said he dumped you a year ago. But regardless, trying to dissect his feelings and motives is of very limited benefit.

[Nothingtolose]

If he dumped you, he's not going to feel as much pain as you. It doesn't make sense to voluntarily put yourself through that kind of pain. I think the gut reaction is to come up with reasons like emotional unavailability because it's hard to digest that a person doesn't have the same level of feelings as we do. I did the same thing. I wanted there to be some reason my ex was emotionally deficient, so I could explain away why he dumped me. It was hard to accept that he just didn't love me as much as I loved him, and we weren't suited to one another.

 

Yes, it's a bad idea to string anyone along and give false hope. From all you've described, I'd be very surprised if he came back and wanted to get back together again. I can see him coming back out of curiosity though.

 

You know, a few months ago I would have agreed with your statement. Up until then, I had either been the dumper in a relationship where I was no longer in love with the guy, or I had been the dumpee, in which case it wasn't my choice. However, 2 months ago, I ended a 3 year relationship with a guy I loved, but who was emotionally immature and unable to grow up and give me what I needed.

 

I did not want to break up, but it was months of fighting and tears, and I just got tired. He did not want the break up, but didn't want to change either. I thought that me breaking up with him might "wake him up" - I made it very clear WHY I was breaking up, so he knew what he had to do to save us. He has done nothing, and judged by his cold demeanour in the few times we've talked, I'm sure I have cried and hurt more since the break up than he has (I know he is very emotionally detached from everything, and apathy is his middle name.)

 

So yeah, I was the dumper, but I know I hurt more. The truth is some dumpers feel forced to walk away because they've been hurting for so long in the relationship, and often mistreated. Not every dumpee is a victim.