Wife saves her money while i struggle

[somanymistakes]

Yeah, ditto. We do still have personal accounts, but we also share a joint account that we each put money into based on income. I honestly can't imagine living with a partner (married or unmarried) while keeping finances completely separate. Doesn't it get really tiring slashing grocery bills down the middle? What if she uses more toilet paper than he does?

 

Some couples with separate finances are ad-hoc with the minor expenses unless it becomes a problem. Like, they both go shopping separately at different times, but ask the other if there's anything needed to pick up while they're out. So rather than slashing things down the middle, you get what you need and anything special the other person needs, and they do the same for you. If something one of you wants is super-expensive and just for them, you can make them wait and get it themselves, but if it's something both of you use it doesn't really matter who buys it.

 

Or if they shop together, take turns paying. If you're not super-worried about tracking every penny and just figure it'll all balance out in the long run, it's not that annoying.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Nope. I'm seeing a separation starting here. She now has the control. Red pill must be swallowed immediately. 12 years of R and now she wants to divide. Just think of the money as a "expression" of your R and fidelity. She is putting you on a raft and pushing away. She either wants to fix this, and respect your position in the household. Or she goes total single mode and cuts you out. Some women like the security blanket, then when self reliance sets in...The blanket gets washed...Sorry.

[BettyDraper]

I don't think that your wife's attitude towards money bodes well for the marriage.

She's being unfair and selfish.

[chinadiary]

I am careful with money. My ex husband went through it like water.

 

When we were married, I had to separate as much of our finances as possible. He got himself into stupid amounts of debt despite earning plenty. Should I have shared his debt for home electronics, cars etc that I didn't want? Hell no.

 

It could be that she earns more but is also more careful and doesn't want him blowing cash.

 

 

While I agree, in marriage you should share, if one person makes the debt, the other should not have to support them in it.

[GunslingerRoland]

I am careful with money. My ex husband went through it like water.

 

When we were married, I had to separate as much of our finances as possible. He got himself into stupid amounts of debt despite earning plenty. Should I have shared his debt for home electronics, cars etc that I didn't want? Hell no.

 

It could be that she earns more but is also more careful and doesn't want him blowing cash.

 

 

While I agree, in marriage you should share, if one person makes the debt, the other should not have to support them in it.

 

But can that situation actually work though? How does it work over time, with kids, and retirement planning?

 

I always hear about couples that had to keep their finances separately for this reason, but I never hear about how it actually worked. To me it sounds like delaying the inevitable.

[rickwman]

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Honesty and understanding each other's expectations are very central to an honest and trusting relationship. Marriage is a 100% - 100% relationship. Each of you need to give to one another totally without selfishness or self-interest. It's good to speak with a counselor. Have you spoken with a pastor or minister that can offer you wise and long-term, effective advise? I'll pray and stand with you both that your marriage will improve in this area and peace, joy and love will reign supreme.

[road]

If it was not for direct deposit my wife would still be signing

my paychecks.

 

We never separated money.

We planned out long term goals for her to follow.

We always agreed first before spending money on

non essentials.

We always agreed first before large purchases were made.

 

When a man and a woman marry they become as one. This

includes all. If you can not agree on finances then they are

not the person for you to marry.

[somanymistakes]

I am careful with money. My ex husband went through it like water.

 

When we were married, I had to separate as much of our finances as possible. He got himself into stupid amounts of debt despite earning plenty. Should I have shared his debt for home electronics, cars etc that I didn't want? Hell no.

 

Legally in most places if you're married, their debts are your debts, just as their assets are your assets.

 

Keeping money separate works as a way to (hopefully) limit a partner's spending, if they can only spend what they actually have. But if they manage to run up loans and credit cards and so on, then you're stuck with it AFAIK.

[Els]

Legally in most places if you're married, their debts are your debts, just as their assets are your assets.

 

Keeping money separate works as a way to (hopefully) limit a partner's spending, if they can only spend what they actually have. But if they manage to run up loans and credit cards and so on, then you're stuck with it AFAIK.

 

I think it's mostly just the US where that is the case? I know where I live, a partner isn't responsible for their partner's existing CCs or loans unless they co-signed them. Also here assets owned prior to the relationship are not considered joint assets - joint assets are only those that are accumulated after the relationship started. This applies regardless of whether you are de facto or married.

 

That said though - I don't think it's the separate accounts that bothers the OP. It's the fact that (if I read his post correctly), he paid the majority of their bills when she was making less than him, and now that she is making more than him, he's STILL paying the majority of the bills and she won't help out with them.

 

We have asked him what his debts are coming from, but no answers forthcoming.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think it's mostly just the US where that is the case? I know where I live, a partner isn't responsible for their partner's existing CCs or loans unless they co-signed them. Also here assets owned prior to the relationship are not considered joint assets - joint assets are only those that are accumulated after the relationship started. This applies regardless of whether you are de facto or married.

 

That said though - I don't think it's the separate accounts that bothers the OP. It's the fact that (if I read his post correctly), he paid the majority of their bills when she was making less than him, and now that she is making more than him, he's STILL paying the majority of the bills and she won't help out with them.

 

We have asked him what his debts are coming from, but no answers forthcoming.

 

Typically if you bring in debts then they stay yours, but any new debt would be shared (regardless of whose name it is under). But it gets complicated the longer you are with someone...

[GunslingerRoland]

Keeping money separate works as a way to (hopefully) limit a partner's spending, if they can only spend what they actually have. But if they manage to run up loans and credit cards and so on, then you're stuck with it AFAIK.

 

I don't see how this doesn't build up issues over time. It's one thing if the money coming in is shared, and a small amount goes into each persons separate accounts. But for most real people, the majority of expenses are shared in a marriage.

 

Mortgage, property taxes, utilities, insurance, child expenses, groceries, most vacations (hopefully), retirement. Except for a very small portion of the population that has a significant disposable income if one person in a relationship is overspending it is going to significantly affect the other person regardless of whether the accounts are separate or combined.

[Crazelnut]

Did you talk about finances AT ALL before you got married? Please go to a lawyer right now and find out what marital property laws are IN YOUR STATE. (It varies widely from state to state.). This will tell you legally what is yours vs hers.

 

The legal aspect doesn’t address the fairness aspect, which you also need to deal with. Talk through it with the counselor. Don’t accuse, just talk calmly. Lay out your expectations — she contribute proportionally to the household expenses, she support you the way you’ve supported her in the past, etc. Be specific. If she won’t agree to something fair, you have some tough decisions to make. If you accept an agreement with her, you lose the right to grouse about it for the rest of your marriage. :-)

 

Having said that, are YOU responsible with money? Do you have a lot of debt?

Edited November 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[CC12]

We have asked him what his debts are coming from, but no answers forthcoming.

 

Yeah, OP. It would be really helpful if you answered this. A lot of the responses you've gotten here are pretty hard on your wife, but I suspect there's a lot more to the story than "she's just a big selfish meanie who won't share."

 

There are a lot of possibilities where it might make sense that she chooses to continue contributing at the same level she was before.

 

Maybe she's putting a lot of the extra money into a (joint?) savings account. OP literally said "Wife saves her money."

 

Maybe OP struggles financially due to his own poor decisions. He may have spent the last 12 years of their relationship buying things he couldn't afford, running up credit card debt, or taking out loans, any of which she may not have agreed with, but what could she say, really, since it was his own money he was spending foolishly. So why should she take on his unnecessary debts in that case? Just because she's making more money now doesn't necessarily mean it should be used to pay for his bad choices.

 

I don't think anyone here has nearly enough info to say whether or not the wife is being unfair in this situation. OP, you should provide more info if you really want fair opinions. But I suspect you just wanted us to validate you and possibly provide you with arguments to use against her in your next counseling session.

[William]

As it looks like the OP has been gone a bit, we'll close this one up to give them a chance to catch up.

 

OP, if you'd like to update you can request the thread reopened via the "ALERT US" button on this post. ~T