My relationship - or, is it still a relationship?

[Cathy7]

I wonder that it may be simply that he doesnt know how such relationship should look like and it is rather all constructed "in his head". He is a very specific person with a very specific story of the past. I know he is sincere in what he tolds me but I don't like such idea of relationship. I also know that he is sincere and not hiding any double life. I feel that I figured out the reason: he lives very much in his own inner world and in his mind and it is as if he lives by means of this inner reality. The question is whether it's possible to feel secure in relationship like that.

[d0nnivain]

I just don't want to hurt another human being who grew important to me. I know that I will have to make some decision anyway, this way or another.

 

On some level you have already made a decision: you don't want to meet him to have sex. That is your choice & it's a good one.

 

You can fade away. As he pouts & runs away when you refuse to meet him for sex, it will be easier for you to distance yourself because he's going to hurt you eventually.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wonder that it may be simply that he doesnt know how such relationship should look like and it is rather all constructed "in his head". He is a very specific person with a very specific story of the past. I know he is sincere in what he tolds me but I don't like such idea of relationship. I also know that he is sincere and not hiding any double life. I feel that I figured out the reason: he lives very much in his own inner world and in his mind and it is as if he lives by means of this inner reality. The question is whether it's possible to feel secure in relationship like that.

 

You're giving this guy way too much credit.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much. It is so right. I would love us to meet and act as a couple if I knew that we would be acting in the same way when we will be away. Meaning, that we will communicate and actively participate in building this relation not only in times we are together but also when we have to be apart. I believe it's perhaps fair enough. It's not that I want to deny something to him. I believe that I will see how he will act these days.

 

 

 

On some level you have already made a decision: you don't want to meet him to have sex. That is your choice & it's a good one.

 

You can fade away. As he pouts & runs away when you refuse to meet him for sex, it will be easier for you to distance yourself because he's going to hurt you eventually.

[Cathy7]

Thank you for reassuring me I have not lost my mind. I would hate to be a girlfriend nagging my boyfriends to call me all the time or to text me non stop and informing me of his every step. I acknowledge that he has his own life and time to take. But not sharing/ talking completely is too much. I mean, I cannot live on sentences such as "I send you hugs" or "I send you a kiss". I have a deep inner life and I would love to share it with someone special. And I would love to learn about the other person's inner life. I believe that this is what the relationship are about. You reassured me I'm not so wrong in believing that.

[BaileyB]

A few thoughts...

 

If he is unable to work and currently participating in hobbies to try to "organize himself" and give him something to do during the day, then that means he has some very serious mental health issues. He is definitely NOT in a place to be involved in a serious relationship and this is NOT someone that you can ever really rely on...

 

And no, you are not wrong to expect daily communication, frequent trips to spend time together, and a plan to be together in the future. He is not in a place where he can offer that to you right now, which means... You are not in an actual relationship with this man right now.

 

And finally, he is definitely wanting sex and fully prepared to guilt you into getting it. He wants sex without actually putting any time or effort into the relationship, and that is just unacceptable (considering that what you want is a more serious relationship.).

 

Time to let this guy go and invest your time into finding a real boyfriend who can give you the things that you want from a relationship. I'm sorry.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thank you for reassuring me I have not lost my mind. I would hate to be a girlfriend nagging my boyfriends to call me all the time or to text me non stop and informing me of his every step. I acknowledge that he has his own life and time to take. But not sharing/ talking completely is too much. I mean, I cannot live on sentences such as "I send you hugs" or "I send you a kiss". I have a deep inner life and I would love to share it with someone special. And I would love to learn about the other person's inner life. I believe that this is what the relationship are about. You reassured me I'm not so wrong in believing that.

 

Absolutely! And don't let him make you feel guilty for wanting that. It's 100% normal and justified.

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much for sharing your accurate thoughts with me. Actually, thank you all for doing so. I'm feeling so miserable about the situation today that I'm actually sitting here, without doing my work which I should do, and I feel unable to think of anything else than this relationship.

 

Your thoughts are very accurate. This is exactly what I'm sensing when I stressed that he is not leading a double life and when I highlighted he lives very much by the world in his mind. I sense that this issue is related to the experience from the past that he underwent. Hence, I believe that this issue and his perception of our relationship is based on something mentally based. I know that he is not telling me lies, I know that his feeling is true, but the way that it appears on daily basis (mainly, me waiting for a single word, unless I take the initiative) makes me feel extremely insecure. That is the reason I would like to postpone engaging into actions (ex sleeping together) which entail responsible decisions and secure relations. I would actually love to meet him to get to know him better and talk over everything that happened, but he seems offended now that I don't want to meet merely to spend time together and talk..

 

A few thoughts...

 

If he is unable to work and currently participating in hobbies to try to "organize himself" and give him something to do during the day, then that means he has some very serious mental health issues. He is definitely NOT in a place to be involved in a serious relationship and this is NOT someone that you can ever really rely on...

 

And no, you are not wrong to expect daily communication, frequent trips to spend time together, and a plan to be together in the future. He is not in a place where he can offer that to you right now, which means... You are not in an actual relationship with this man right now.

 

And finally, he is definitely wanting sex and fully prepared to guilt you into getting it. He wants sex without actually putting any time or effort into the relationship, and that is just unacceptable (considering that what you want is a more serious relationship.).

 

Time to let this guy go and invest your time into finding a real boyfriend who can give you the things that you want from a relationship. I'm sorry.

[Cathy7]

I meant: ** offended that I want merely to meet and spend time together, talk...**

[Cathy7]

After debating with all of you, which I appreciate immensely, I decided that I will not initiate any action anymore and I will simply see what will happen and what he will tell me. I would love to see him because I really care and kept building expectations in my mind but meeting and sleeping together will not do, regardless whether I would love it or not, since it also entails taking a great responsiblity and reassurance that we are looking in the same direction.

[BaileyB]

Cathy, have you met this man in person before? How much time have you actually spent together? Or, is this truly an online relationship?

 

I think you are very wise to let this go. This man really does have DANGER written all over him.

[BaileyB]

I would love to see him because I really care and kept building expectations in my mind but meeting and sleeping together will not do, regardless whether I would love it or not.

 

This is the thing, it really does seem that you have built expectations in your mind and you have created a certain fantasy around this man... And not, you are beginning to see that the fantasy is not reality.

 

You are not wrong to have expectations in a relationship - to communicate, spend time together, be considerate of the other person, etc... What we have to be careful not to build an unrealistic fantasy about someone or a relationship.

 

And yes, sex makes everything more complicated. Have sex with this man, and you will feel differently about him and your relationship. There is a reason why people wait to have sex... it allows you to get to know someone and evaluate that person as a potential partner before all the hormones start to cloud your vision...

[Cathy7]

Dear BaileyB,

 

thank you. Yes, we have met in a professional situation at work. We were both working in our teams on this day and after that we became friends. We have also met in person afterwards. During our professional meeting, he made on me the impression of a very easy going, communicative man. He was always very communicative during our face to face meetings. It was by this time I have learnt about his problem and was there to support him. Throughout the spring we talked about it on and on and I was at least happy that we are sharing with each other, (even thought it was this topic). I think that this relationship is going so very poorly because of this mental problem somewhere back there and while he thinks that everything is ok, it is not. I do not want to hurt him because indeed he grew important and I was very hurt in a past too, so I can relate to all these feelings and I would like to treat him seriously. When I told him that we don't communicate at all, he claims that "but before we were communicating" and that "he has me in his heart anyway".

 

Cathy, have you met this man in person before? How much time have you actually spent together? Or, is this truly an online relationship?

 

I think you are very wise to let this go. This man really does have DANGER written all over him.

[Cathy7]

I mean, our team was hosting an open event and he was a guest who came around. I really don't know how this story ends but I think that the only possibility is to see his actions and interpret them.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I mean, our team was hosting an open event and he was a guest who came around. I really don't know how this story ends but I think that the only possibility is to see his actions and interpret them.

 

Is it a mental health facility?

[Cathy7]

surely not : )

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You're a caterer?

[Cathy7]

I work in education sector.

[Cathy7]

I wrote him that we can meet up and start this very serious thing if he is ready to commit and involve in our communication at least to such a point that I know that I can rely on him (and that he knows that he is involving into something which carries responsibility in any case). He answered that he prefers not to respond to this question and that his feelings for me are the same and they are big and meaningful. He said that he didn't have time to talk much because he is doing many things (as if I didn't have to do many things! I have the whole set of things to peform and still I think of him!) He also wrote that he is sad and therefore, he is going to sleep. The end of conversation.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I wrote him that we can meet up and start this very serious thing if he is ready to commit and involve in our communication at least to such a point that I know that I can rely on him (and that he knows that he is involving into something which carries responsibility in any case). He answered that he prefers not to respond to this question and that his feelings for me are the same and they are big and meaningful. He said that he didn't have time to talk much because he is doing many things (as if I didn't have to do many things! I have the whole set of things to peform and still I think of him!) He also wrote that he is sad and therefore, he is going to sleep. The end of conversation.

 

He's a piece of work.

 

What happened to waiting until he contacts you?? Leave him alone. He's not willing to be what you need.

[Cathy7]

I wrote him these things today early in the beginning of my day. He responded with this now. I will not be taking any initiative now,I will be just waiting what he shall write or decide.

[Cathy7]

Dear All, here are the news of today. He wrote to me more. Mainly, he wrote that he wants to meet me very much but he will not act as if we "were only friends" and he insists on that. He said that my attitude (reluctance to sleep together) is "completely undeserved" since he showed me his feelings. Secondly, he told me that " he is meditating" and that I should think about doing it too, since he senses that I am in an inner turmoil inside. (Of course I am, but I don't think that it's about any meditation - mostly it's about having a single, full and sincere conversation and things would be fine. Of course I am in inner unrest and can't concentrate on anything because I would like to know if we can rely on each other.) I feel like we are kind of in different spaces - I would like a single sincere conversation and he is living somewhere in the abstract world - is it promising for the future life together?

 

I have not taken up any action since yesterday. I have also read some online articles about those men who love being in touch through texting and talking on the phone but feel reluctant to meet in person and it made me feel that, indeed, I should appreciate that he wants us to keep meeting face to face. So I understand I have to be truly grateful for that and I am. I am also willing to go see him, wherever he is in this world, if only I could have this issue solved out.

 

On the other hand, it cannot be that way that we don't talk, don't share anything through days and weeks, we are growing strangers and then we meet up and end up in bed immediately. I often asked him about his days and activities, I tried for a couple of times to share with him my artistic works or something interesting I did - since I would love to share such things with someone important - but with little result. Last time I tried to share my work with him, I think he even didn't notice.

 

I feel that all I did those days was worrying about it and it took a lot of my creative energy and potential away (meaning, plainly, that I keep wasting my days out of worries). Perhaps I should stop bothering and continue just observing things. As you advised me here which, I know, is the wisest. That is, I should be waiting to see how he will communicate (and if he will!) through those coming days.

 

I understood that I should appreciate immensely that he wants to keep meeting face to face, on regular basis, but I also still feel that to build and keep a true relationship, one needs a normal communication also in those times when we are apart.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

 

I understood that I should appreciate immensely that he wants to keep meeting face to face, on regular basis, but I also still feel that to build and keep a true relationship, one needs a normal communication also in those times when we are apart.

 

No. No you should not appreciate that he wants to keep meeting face to face on a "regular basis." How often is regular? Just how many hours apart are you two?

 

You seem like a very smart, warm, intuitive, artistic person who has a lot of give to someone in a relationship. Why are you settling for these breadcrumbs when you could find someone in your locale to meet your needs?

[Cathy7]

Thank you so much for your help and such kind words. I truly appreciate your help (I am also aware I may not see very clearly now since I am motivated by feelings).

 

I live in a very small place with a very small number of inhabitants. There is nobody I could meet here. I tried for many years. Also, I work away from home (although I prepare my projects at home). We both live in different countries but it's not a problem for me. He would like us to meet once in a month or every second month. I can also keep visiting him. I am independent. All I want is just love and communication.

 

I cannot do it as it is popular nowodays and, perhaps, believed to be normal: to meet up, sleep together, not to mind anything. It's not about religion or any specific views. It's about respect for him and myself. I know I would feel very bad inside. I believe that it is beautiful that he wants us to keep meeting but, as you said, it's also not enough if there is no communication at all in those times when we are apart. And yes, I have a great desire to keep sharing and learning about each other. He told me he keeps me in his heart and thinks of me, but I am also alive and real.

I feel sad because once in the past, when we met face to face, he asked me if I shall not forget him and if I can see him again and I persuaded him it is far from my desire to forget him. But now, with so many days of him living in his own world and feeding me with "I send you hugs" from time to time, hardly ever asking what I do if I don't ask him first, it's growing very disappointing. And it makes me think about the future. Of course you are right that I desire to be with someone who can truly share with me. With such person, I would not hesitate to meet as soon as possible.

 

 

 

No. No you should not appreciate that he wants to keep meeting face to face on a "regular basis." How often is regular? Just how many hours apart are you two?

 

You seem like a very smart, warm, intuitive, artistic person who has a lot of give to someone in a relationship. Why are you settling for these breadcrumbs when you could find someone in your locale to meet your needs?

[gia37]

I have been in your situation a couple of times and every time it ended with a heartbreak. Im sorry you are going through this. Its an illusion, this man doesnt care about you and only uses you for sex when you meet up several times per year (even less I guess). He tells you words... bla bla... there are no actions that show his commitment. Meeting one or two or three times a year to sleep with you without meaningful communication in between makes you sex buddies, not a couple.

 

Im very sorry, but you are headed towards more and more heartbreak. You waste your best years on this man (trust me, I wasted many years on such men). They have deep intimacy problems (mostly stemming from bad childhood) and without sufficient interest from their side you cant "save" nor "heal" them. This guy has a mental problem and he gives you emotional breadcrumbs... you instead are giving him all your pure and sincere love. You love an illusion, not a real person.

 

You could have a loving family with someone else. Period. Please wake up. And trust me, I spent many years on such guys. I regret this wasted time deeply.