Online dating is BRUTAL

[carhill]

Some differences I noted in the same demographic but over years of being away from OLD was that, the first time around, it was new, people were excited to discover it and I met a lot of honest, authentic, interested people, even if they weren't interested in me. The second time around, though only exposure for four to five months, some 15 years later found it far more superficial and full of jaded and distrustful people. The most common comment I got in real life was surprise that I actually looked like my pictures

 

Anyway, I can empathize. I worry about our world sometimes. Probably more than sometimes. I need to work on that.

[Buriall]

It's not the online dating that is brutal. It's the people that are brutal, we have so many of expectations from the partner we want to spend our life with. For example he/she gotta be with someone whos got , good bank account, good looking, gotta be good in bed, good cook and the list just goes on and on.

 

Now this is all a game, so if you want to play the game you have to learn the rules to the game..You see expectations and desires is a set up for failure, because in the end one of you is going to come short and than what? divorce? breaking up with someone youve spent some years with?? The rabbit hole goes really deep with this subject

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree with some. The problem with OLD is the people. It's mostly the players who taint and corrupt the people who are trying to find a real relationship. The left-overs are suspicious, angry and fickle. People meet people w/o regard to or w/ no intention of respecting the other person and we get those people to date. Ugly. But, on a occasion, you find someone who is hopeful. Of course, too many other factors come into play, too many out of our control.

 

Also, let's not talk about the people who have already been tainted by their failed relationships with unwieldy baggage and seasoned mistrust.

[Buriall]

You can't avoid the reality, and the reality is this;

 

You exploit her in the same way she exploits you, and thus the world goes around and around.

[LB2016]

Nothingtolose- maybe you can change up your "criteria"? Like widen the age range or change the distance..? What are they now?

 

Just ideas!

[Nothingtolose]

Nothingtolose- maybe you can change up your "criteria"? Like widen the age range or change the distance..? What are they now?

 

Just ideas!

 

Right now I have it looking for guys from 30 to 40 (I'm 33), up to 30 km away. Not really interested in changing the age range, but maybe the distance might help...

[Mkn1010]

I must say that I personally find it astounding that people actually would go on like 200 dates from OLD. That to me is unfathomable in that one must REALLY REALLY be thinking their life NEEDS (as opposed to 'wants') a partner to keep doing that. Does anyone know how to accept life for what they have rather than don't have? It's like women in their 30's who decide to freeze their eggs if they fear their biological clock is running out. Seriously, can we not accept that our life path may be different and awesome in it's own way despite not fulfilling some societal measures of worth (aka OBTAINING a partner). I used the word 'obtaining' there because it's almost like people are so focused on 'getting' (rather than RELATING - which is something you can do with ANYONE....WITHOUT AGENDA!!!!!!

 

 

Forcing things (aka literally making yourself go on 200 dates) just seems really cringy to me!

[Nothingtolose]

It's like women in their 30's who decide to freeze their eggs if they fear their biological clock is running out.

 

And what's wrong with that? People have different dreams and goals in life, and it's not up to you to decide what's important for others. I personally don't understand for example why someone would save every paycheck and not go on vacations (I love traveling) and explore the world, just so they can buy a home and be stuck in a mortgage forever, but hey...some people really want to own a property, it's their dream, so who am I to judge what will make someone happy?

 

I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I have dreamed about my kids, them running to me, picking them up in my arms, being pregnant etc, more times than I can count. I cannot image going through life without experiencing this - no other experience would be able to compare, at least not for me.

 

Do I consider adoption? Absolutely. But I also would love to experience pregnancy at least once, so I 100% consider freezing my eggs in the next couple of years if I don't meet my partner until then. Why would I not make use of science if it's available to me and can help me achieve a dream with less stress and worry?

 

Don't judge people just because their dreams aren't your dreams.

[Mkn1010]

So selfish, in my opinion!

 

Noticed in your above post how all your dreams around parenting are about you and what you wish to experience...I'm sure you'll NOW respond with how you apparently also want to give and that's why you're so intent to be a parent!

 

I'm offering an alternative view! And I see this all the time here, people trying to force their destiny. If it's not on the cards for you to be a parent, freezing your eggs ain't gonna do squat! Can you accept that?

Edited November 13, 2017 by Mkn1010

[Nothingtolose]

So selfish, in my opinion!

 

Noticed in your above post how all your dreams around parenting are about you and what you wish to experience...I'm sure you'll NOW respond with how you apparently also want to give and that's why you're so intent to be a parent!

 

I'm offering an alternative view! And I see this all the time here, people trying to force their destiny. If it's not on the cards for you to be a parent, freezing your eggs ain't gonna do squat! Can you accept that?

 

Lol, judged by the amount of exclamation marks in your post, I can see you feel very strongly about this. If someone freezes their eggs and they still don't get to be a parent by "normal" ways, they can still choose to adopt - adopting still makes someone a parent. If someone really wants to be a parent, they will find a way. Can you accept that?

 

And no, I don't need to respond with how I "apparently" also want to give. I know I'll be a good mother, and don't owe any kind of explanations to a stranger.

[Mkn1010]

Interesting that you feel the need to proclaim that you know you'll be a good mother, as if that was even under threat/in question here! The point of my post has been entirely missed and I can see that the probability for defensiveness and misunderstanding is high here, so I will disengage from this thread!

Edited November 13, 2017 by Mkn1010

[Chilli]

Sorry for the side track , but l've wondered, well before this , but can you force your destiny ?

 

What do you think people .

 

l mean l know sure , we could go marry the wrong person, because we wanna get married. or have kids to the wrong person , same.

But that's only gonna backfire later.

 

But can we think right , l want this it's time , and literally go out and get it , like the right one that is , not just anyone .

l've always wondered if effort makes any real difference with destiny, or does destiny even exist .

 

Sorry , just some side thoughts as it's come up anyway so.

[LoverOfDance]

@chilli

 

If you ask me, I think I would say that we make our own destiny. I think destiny is dependent on the choices we make. I don't think destiny exists on its own as something we have no control over. I think destiny bends according to the path we choose to follow - it bends according to the choices we choose to make. Whatever we choose is what we were destined to choose - so if I were to choose option A, I was destined to choose option A and if I were to choose option B instead, then I was destined to choose option B.

 

Destiny doesn't force me to accept a situation and it doesn't force me to choose a path. I have freewill. I think a lot of ppl think that destiny is created long before we are born. But I think destiny is created after every choice we make not before. Just my thoughts.

 

@mkn1010 I understand your perspective. You're right in your own way but the OP is also right as well. You have to leave ppl be. There is a reason why they think the way they do. Don't try to correct something that doesn't need to be corrected.

[Nothingtolose]

@chilli

 

If you ask me, I think I would say that we make our own destiny. I think destiny is dependent on the choices we make. I don't think destiny exists on its own as something we have no control over. I think destiny bends according to the path we choose to follow - it bends according to the choices we choose to make. Whatever we choose is what we were destined to choose - so if I were to choose option A, I was destined to choose option A and if I were to choose option B instead, then I was destined to choose option B.

 

Destiny doesn't force me to accept a situation and it doesn't force me to choose a path. I have freewill. I think a lot of ppl think that destiny is created long before we are born. But I think destiny is created after every choice we make not before. Just my thoughts.

 

I agree with you. Which is why I always say to friends (and myself), that I can't just say "I've had a lot of bad luck with men". Sure, some of it was bad luck, but I also have to take responsibilities for the choices I made, such as moving ahead with relationships despite seeing some big red flags from the beginning. These were CHOICES made consciously, which led me down a path of bad relationships. I think it's very important to acknowledge that, because until we do, we'll keep making bad decisions and blaming it on luck or destiny.

 

@chilli, I really am determined to change my luck/destiny this time around. I can't control what happens, but I think I can make more conscious choices, to give the universe a little helping hand. For example, I went on a date with a guy this week, who was very attractive, smart and funny, and shared a lot of my interests in music, travel etc. Definitely my kind of guy, the type of person I'd be naturally drawn to. However, he plays in a band, and the band is growing, with plans to start touring next year, which he's super excited about. I'd like to settle down and start a family in the near future, so it's pretty clear from the get go that this guy and I are not on the same page with where we're at in our lives right now.

 

Now, if this was even a couple of years ago, my brain would have been like "whatever, you only live once! keep seeing this guy and see where it goes, who knows, he might change his plans" - BAD. Hoping someone will change whatever lifestyle they have to suit your needs, is never a good way to start anything, and often just leads to heartbreak.

 

So when he continued to message me and wanted to see me again, I sent him a message explaining I had a great time, however this is where I'm at in my life right now, it doesn't seem it's where he's at, so I'd rather avoid any potential heartache down the line. He respected my wishes and we both moved on. This isn't always an easy thing to do, especially when you're attracted to someone, but it's time to start making the decisions that will ultimately lead to the life I want, and be able to identify early on when something is going to be a waste of my time.

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for recognizing an incompatible person when you see them. As you said, the guy was great but his priorities & yours don't mesh right now.

 

 

I applied some of the same principles to finding a husband that I did in running my start up. Hang in there.

 

 

Don't wait too long on the adoption either. I learned the hard way that US domestic adoptions involve letting the birthmother "pick" the adoptive parents & those girls tend to frown on older (over 35) parents for their kids. Remember they are normally young themselves so 30 seems old.

[Chilli]

Yep , good on you but don't worry it's not an easy lesson to understand sometimes or learn.

 

l fell for it myself after my divorce,it wasn't all my fault though , the goods and the highs with the gf l then met, were the most mind blowing either of us had ever had,who wouldn't try.

But she also had the biggest red signs across her head l'd ever seen in my life too.

 

l knew it'd be a brave brave man and probably a stupid one too, that even went there with her , but l did it anyway, it was just too hard to walk away form the goods.

 

Well , it all blew up with her 18mths later , exactly like the writing l for saw all over her head 3 days after l met her , and dozens of times right through later too ,but l just couldn't resist. and did it anyway.

 

Not easy sometimes. But it was an incredible time too, not sure if 18mths of my life at this stage and the troubles with her , were worth it though.

Edited November 13, 2017 by Chilli

[Nothingtolose]

Good for you for recognizing an incompatible person when you see them. As you said, the guy was great but his priorities & yours don't mesh right now.

 

 

I applied some of the same principles to finding a husband that I did in running my start up. Hang in there.

 

@d0nnivain - I'd be interested to know if your startup succeeded. I'm trying to launch a startup myself, and it's one of the hardest and lonelinest things I've done. I'm going through a startup accelerator program and it's endless hours of assignments every week, on top of my full time job, which means I've had to really isolate myself socially. I feel exhausted all the time, and not having a partner to support me through these times makes it so much harder.