Birthday Flowers

[No_Go]

I've done it. I sent flowers with no name, or contact info; not expecting anything in return but "hope this makes you smile on your special day. Happy birthday!"

 

It ended well.

 

Oh just saw this update. Glad you did it!

[Gaeta]

You had only 3 dates, move on.

 

She broke it using the excuse she's too busy, in romance there is no such a thing as being too busy.

 

If a man I only saw 3 times sent me flowers specially after I had said I do not wish to continue seeing him would come across as cligny and creepy. A simply happy birthday message or phone call would have been enough.

[lana-banana]

In romance there is no such a thing as being too busy.

 

This needs to be carved in stone on a monument somewhere.

[No_Go]

You had only 3 dates, move on.

 

She broke it using the excuse she's too busy, in romance there is no such a thing as being too busy.

 

If a man I only saw 3 times sent me flowers specially after I had said I do not wish to continue seeing him would come across as cligny and creepy. A simply happy birthday message or phone call would have been enough.

 

What is clingy? It is not like he sent her flowers to ‘romance’ her. It is a birthday gift to a person he likes and admires.

 

I recently sent an ice cream cake for the 40th of a guy I used to be friends with a while back. Just thought of him, that he is maybe lonely on his birthday (he’s in a new city), I didn’t have an intent to be ‘romantic’ and I can say with certainty he didn’t see it this way. It is scary that relationships are getting so transactional (‘date/f*ck me or else you cease existence for me ?’)

[Cookiesandough]

What is clingy? It is not like he sent her flowers to ‘romance’ her. It is a birthday gift to a person he likes and admires.

 

I recently sent an ice cream cake for the 40th of a guy I used to be friends with a while back. Just thought of him, that he is maybe lonely on his birthday (he’s in a new city), I didn’t have an intent to be ‘romantic’ and I can say with certainty he didn’t see it this way. It is scary that relationships are getting so transactional (‘date/f*ck me or else you cease existence for me ��’)

 

But the girl recently broke it off with him because she wasn't interested. That's different from being friends. Any thing he gives her now will look like a desperate attempt to woo her back.

Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think it's a very nice gesture, and with the situation you described, I'd be happy to receive flowers.

 

However, I'll share this story with you just as an FYI. I have a male friend from high school who I'm friends with on FB. We message occasionally because he went through a very bad divorce a couple of years ago and has needed some encouragement. He messaged me a couple of weeks ago to ask my advice. He had reconnected with some other girl from his youth and SHE was going through a hard time with a recent split from her husband and they talked on and off, never met that I know of. He sent her flowers to cheer her up. She didn't message him to say thank you and he was asking me, a couple days after the fact, if I thought he overstepped. I said I didn't think so, but since I don't know her or the situation, maybe he should text her just to make sure she did get them. Or make sure she was at least ok (i.e. her angry ex didn't come back and intercept). So he did. No response . And now he is left feeling all awkward about it. I happen to think it's very rude of this woman, but again I don't know her. I gave him my address and told him he can send me flowers for my birthday in a few weeks and I won't be weird about it . (I have zero romantic interest in this man and he lives several hours away from me.)

[Cookiesandough]

Correction: Is a desperate a attempt to woo her back

 

Any advise then on removing myself from said friend zone?

 

He isn't doing this from the kindness of his heart for a friend. He has a another motive and it's blatantly obvious. She may find is flattering but she may also find it creepy. Either way, it will not win Shogun77 any romantic favor with this girl so he needs to just move on.

[d0nnivain]

Acknowledge to yourself that your motive for sending these flowers is to get her to think about you & your dates favorably again.

 

It's not a bad plan. They are only flowers; you are not sending her an e-ring.

 

She did manage to squeeze in 3 dates & attend the event where you met so she does have some time for dating. Did she initiate the lack of time conversation or did you start demanding more time which lead to the separation? If it was you who was being demanding, if you can curtail that to take what time she can give, this might work.

 

Send the mixed small bouquet of flowers. Do not send roses or an over the top ornate expensive bouquet. See what happens. She may be happy you sent them. She may ignore you (most probable) & she may tell you to get the heck away from her. But you won't know until you try. We regret more in life the things we don't do.

 

If you don't get a favorable response, give up. After this without her encouragement you will cross into creepy stalker territory.

[No_Go]

But the girl recently broke it off with him because she wasn't interested. That's different from being friends. Any thing he gives her now will look like a desperate attempt to woo her back.

 

If and only if her ONLY desire in her interactions is grabbing some dude to make him her bf. Maybe she genuinely got too busy AND has life out of the realm ‘snatch a bf right now’. Or maybe she doesn’t want a bf at all. Or likes OP platonically. In any case, he’s not running after her like a sad puppy - he’s acknowledging a birthday of a person he likes.

 

If she misinterprets his gesture - it’s on her, not on him IMO.

[No_Go]

Correction: Is a desperate a attempt to woo her back

 

 

 

He isn't doing this from the kindness of his heart for a friend. He has a another motive and it's blatantly obvious. She may find is flattering but she may also find it creepy. Either way, it will not win Shogun77 any romantic favor with this girl so he needs to just move on.

 

I missed that - but even if so, I still think he did nothing wrong. People get back with exes / former dates alll the time. If this is going to happen - it will - with or without gifts for her birthday. And vice versa.

[Cookiesandough]

I have not heard of one case of flowers tipping the scales from disinterest to interest. I think it's a bad idea. I don't believe for one second if she were interested she would have completely broken it off due to work. But I guess what's done is done. Nbd

Edited November 8, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[No_Go]

I’m the last one who will encourage swinging tail puppy behavior (I.e. ‘romantic gestures’, lovey statements) from men or women, it is a big turn off in or out of a relationship. But here I just see it as birthday gift. It’s not going to tip the scales, but may open a line of communication ... and anything can happen from there.

 

Having been in similar positions it just looks desperate to me, NG. I suspect she will feel the same, but I do not know her. I do know that I have not heard of one case of flowers tipping the scales from disinterest to interest. I think it's a bad idea. I don't believe for one second if she were interested she would have completely broken it off due to work.

[lana-banana]

They aren't friends, they haven't even spoken in weeks. They had three dates and she called it off. If she had any desire for contact with this guy, any at all, she would have reached out. As Gaeta said, nobody is too busy for someone they want to date.

 

I wouldn't want flowers from someone I met three times. I wouldn't necessarily think they're a deranged stalker, but I would probably assume he didn't get the picture. It is a bit desperate. Not awful, just desperate. If he really wanted to reach out, a FB or text message would go over better.

 

There seems to be a lot of reaching here to justify a gesture that is almost certainly unwelcome.

[No_Go]

There seems to be a lot of reaching here to justify a gesture that is almost certainly unwelcome.

And a lot of attempts to make OP feel bad calling his gesture for a person he likes and admires unwelcome. Based on no solid evidence.

 

OP said: it’s ignorant to expect someone to drop everything for me especially something like grad school which she will be done with come May

Yeah, he's very right. When I was about to finish grad school I didn't have time to take a d*mp to put in bluntly, let alone to stroll the town on dates. Obviously things changed afterwards.

 

OP also said: I've done it...It ended well. Based on this I assume the follow up was positive;) I.e. the gesture was much appreciated.

 

They aren't friends, they haven't even spoken in weeks. They had three dates and she called it off. If she had any desire for contact with this guy, any at all, she would have reached out. As Gaeta said, nobody is too busy for someone they want to date.

 

I wouldn't want flowers from someone I met three times. I wouldn't necessarily think they're a deranged stalker, but I would probably assume he didn't get the picture. It is a bit desperate. Not awful, just desperate. If he really wanted to reach out, a FB or text message would go over better.

 

There seems to be a lot of reaching here to justify a gesture that is almost certainly unwelcome.

[lana-banana]

"I've done it, it ended well" was from another poster, not the OP.

 

It's fine to do nice things for someone you like and admire, but when that person doesn't reciprocate your affection (and expresses as much), you respect their boundaries. Again, they aren't friends. They met three times.

[No_Go]

"I've done it, it ended well" was from another poster, not the OP.

 

It's fine to do nice things for someone you like and admire, but when that person doesn't reciprocate your affection (and expresses as much), you respect their boundaries. Again, they aren't friends. They met three times.

 

You're right - my bad, the second citation is from another poster.

 

Let see how it goes for OP, I'm looking forward to reading his update.

 

As for friendship - how many meets you think would make a friend 'real'? Is there a lower limit of face-time meets to consider someone a friend? In my book if it feels like it's friend, it's a friend, even if I have seen the person once (and I do have people that stayed in my life after encountering them just one time - e.g. at an event in a different country, and then keeping in touch for many years down the line)

[rightondude]

You're right - my bad, the second citation is from another poster.

 

Let see how it goes for OP, I'm looking forward to reading his update.

 

As for friendship - how many meets you think would make a friend 'real'? Is there a lower limit of face-time meets to consider someone a friend? In my book if it feels like it's friend, it's a friend, even if I have seen the person once (and I do have people that stayed in my life after encountering them just one time - e.g. at an event in a different country, and then keeping in touch for many years down the line)

 

Yep, that post was from me. I sent birthday flowers to a girl with whom I had a great connection and a few dates with. Nothing over the top, just some tulips and such in a margarita looking vase. I didn't sign my name. I had no expectation of anything and just wanted to give her a treat on her birthday. She texted me, "flowers, huh? They did make me smile!" It restarted the line of conversation between us and we went on several dates afterwards. It still ended for the same reasons it ended previously, but at least we had more good times and are still friends. Who knows, I guess it's over, maybe we'll get together again sometime.

 

I didn't care whether she knew I sent them or not. Maybe some of you would be annoyed by that. I didn't consider that possibility. It wasn't the case in my case.

 

And No_Go, I totally agree, there are experiences you share with others, if only once, that lead to a perma-bond. If some of you are too cynical to believe that, so be it, but I choose not to. This isn't some hippy dippy BS I'm spouting. Great times bring folks closer more than just regular dull routine meetings do.

Edited November 9, 2017 by rightondude

[No_Go]

Thanks for sharing your story Rightondude! Your thoughts pretty much synthesize how I see it, and also what I think will happen for OP (in some variant).

 

It’s not that I don’t see where posters advising against OPs plan are coming from. For goal-oriented dating, his behavior may seem like waste of his time, I can see that. However - there is more in interactions between people than landing into a permanent romantic relationship, and yes - great experiences, even not repeated, create great bonds in whatever form they happen to exist.

 

Yep, that post was from me. I sent birthday flowers to a girl with whom I had a great connection and a few dates with. Nothing over the top, just some tulips and such in a margarita looking vase. I didn't sign my name. I had no expectation of anything and just wanted to give her a treat on her birthday. She texted me, "flowers, huh? They did make me smile!" It restarted the line of conversation between us and we went on several dates afterwards. It still ended for the same reasons it ended previously, but at least we had more good times and are still friends. Who knows, I guess it's over, maybe we'll get together again sometime.

 

I didn't care whether she knew I sent them or not. Maybe some of you would be annoyed by that. I didn't consider that possibility. It wasn't the case in my case.

 

And No_Go, I totally agree, there are experiences you share with others, if only once, that lead to a perma-bond. If some of you are too cynical to believe that, so be it, but I choose not to. This isn't some hippy dippy BS I'm spouting. Great times bring folks closer more than just regular dull routine meetings do.

[LivingWaterPlease]

As long as you're sure you don't have any expectations, I say send the flowers! I, too, doubt they'll make a difference in her feelings for you, whatever they may be and I don't really have an opinion on the possibilities that may or may not exist.

 

I know there are times when I've been too busy with my career literally to go to the bathroom when I should have, or grab a bite to eat, as I think No-Go stated she was in grad school. There have been times when if I'd met the hottest guy in the world for me I wouldn't have had the time to grab a coffee with even. During those times I thought back to times I hadn't experienced such busyness and thought I would never have believed anyone who claimed to be as busy as I was, really was that busy. It definitely can happen.

 

Also, there are great men I wish I could give a second chance to that I blew off because of still having feelings for another and just not being able to get past that. This could possibly be the case with this woman. You just don't really know. I never told my dates that was the case.

 

I've never had a man (except for one who was stalking me that I had told a million times to leave me alone and this situation is nowhere even close to stalking behavior) send me flowers that I didn't appreciate, and it always made me think more fondly (not romantically, just warmly) of the man.

 

Also, I do believe it depends on the culture you're a part of as to how gifts are received. In my work and personal life people (friends and even acquaintances) are very much gift givers. I wouldn't think it out of line at all if a man or woman I was just friends with sent me flowers or some other gift that wasn't intimate as it is considered a social grace.

Edited November 9, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease