When Do You Know Its Time

[monnieloves]

I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. I know what it feels like firsthand to go through the breakdown of a marriage. Your plan to go to counseling is great first step, along with prayer. GOD's word reminds us "Lean not to your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." I pray that your marriage is restored and strengthened as you seek GOD's guidance and wisdom.

[PegNosePete]

Ok. I understand what you mean. Then I am looking for a good clean way to end a marriage. I want to do it as amicably as possible for the sake of the children.

Okay, that's much clearer objective. The best way to end it amicably depends very much on the details and personalities of the people involved. For example if your wife has no idea the marriage is even in trouble then the answer will likely be very different than if she's already seeing someone else behind your back. You seem to be asking very generic questions which is never a good idea in these circumstances.

 

If you have decided you want to end the marriage then forget about marriage counselling. If your wife doesn't yet know that you've given up on the marriage, then doing MC will just give her false hope, and waste both of your time and money.

 

Cutting off the finances and making your wife be financially independent, would usually only be necessary if your wife is wanting to have her cake and eat it. It's to show her what single life is like, to show her the consequences of her actions and choices. That doesn't sound like it's necessary here since you're the one wanting to end the marriage. If you want it to be amicable then you should communicate about the finances and what both of your financial positions will be after the divorce. But, I would see a lawyer first. Otherwise you might agree to something and change your mind later, which would make it worse.

 

Building up a nest egg of your own to start your new single life might seem like good preparation but it could backfire on you. You will have to declare it as savings during the divorce proceedings and you may have to share it anyway. It's best to consult a lawyer about these things. Same goes for moving out into your own place.

 

Finding a lawyer and getting advice is always a good idea. Most do a free initial consultation so there's really no reason not to. In fact see a few. Remember a lawyer is all about the finances, don't waste time in your free consult asking about how to tell your wife or how to complete paperwork. Do talk about their fees though. Don't be shy.

[jjgitties]

<Moderation note: begin move of off-topic postings to on-topic discussion>

I seriously can't believe there needs to be a topic about how to treat someone with basic respect.

 

The beauty of the human race I guess.

 

Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?

Edited December 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?

 

As I said before we need examples if you indeed want to talk about your particular relationship on this more general type thread.

All very well for you to say you are treating her with respect and dignity, but an example may have us all to a man, going "OMG, What? You did what? You said what?"

Your perception of how you treat your wife is going to be biased, as is hers probably too.

 

I have no idea of your relationship dynamics. but if she is continually accusing you of not treating her with respect, then you probably do need to consider she IS actually feeling that way.

A major complaint from unhappily married women is that when they do voice their concerns, they are not listened to or taken seriously by the men in their lives.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yes. I see your point, but I am more looking at it, how does someone respond to a woman who accuses them of not treating her with respect and appreciating her when in your mind you don't see anything in your behavior that indicates you are not treating her with respect and dignity? You aren't putting her down to arguing with her needlessly. You aren't ignoring the fact that she does do a lot of stuff with the kid and in the house. So it comes down to, how does one interpret that sort of statement and try to find things in their own behaviors that might indicate that you are not treating her with respect and dignity. There have been lots of great responses to this in the thread. For me personally, I never know if this wording is used as a tool to push arguments and fights forwards or whether she is really feeling that way?

 

Maybe what she is actually desiring from you is appreciation.

[jjgitties]

Maybe what she is actually desiring from you is appreciation.

 

That's the part I don't know how to work on. I don't complain about food or cooking. I gladly accept every single new health food recepie , ingredient or concoction thrown my way as long as it doesn't give me the runs. Idont complain about which vacation or hotel or place gets planned and go along with whatever is planned.

 

The house work is split.up with my vacuuming and mopping (1) and the house hold maintenance while she does everything else.

 

I compliment on things when it's appropriate but it seems a little unreasonable to go around putting her on the back every time she does something in the house.

 

(1) no I am not emasculated. I work on catching up on music analysis while I do those things so it's a little like peace and quiet while I work and multi tasking.

[jjgitties]

I have no idea of your relationship dynamics. but if she is continually accusing you of not treating her with respect, then you probably do need to consider she IS actually feeling that way.

A major complaint from unhappily married women is that when they do voice their concerns, they are not listened to or taken seriously by the men in their lives.

 

Well, this is why I didn't want to get into it. Those accusations get thrown at me at particular times of the month and I don't want to sound sexist and derogatory about it. And I don't take it seriously because I know it goes away again soon.

 

But as everyone suggest s I work on M this was a feeble first attempt.

[elaine567]

<End move>

 

Well, this is why I didn't want to get into it. Those accusations get thrown at me at particular times of the month and I don't want to sound sexist and derogatory about it. And I don't take it seriously because I know it goes away again soon.

 

But as everyone suggest s I work on M this was a feeble first attempt.

 

OK it may all come spewing out at certain times of the month, but that doesn't mean she doesn't think like that the rest of the time too.

If she thinks you disrespect her and do not appreciate her, that will not just go away when she isn't menstruating. She may keep quiet at other times but that doesn't mean all is hunky dory, that just means she is keeping quiet to keep the peace.

Edited December 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's the part I don't know how to work on. I don't complain about food or cooking. I gladly accept every single new health food recepie , ingredient or concoction thrown my way as long as it doesn't give me the runs. Idont complain about which vacation or hotel or place gets planned and go along with whatever is planned.

 

The house work is split.up with my vacuuming and mopping (1) and the house hold maintenance while she does everything else.

 

I compliment on things when it's appropriate but it seems a little unreasonable to go around putting her on the back every time she does something in the house.

 

(1) no I am not emasculated. I work on catching up on music analysis while I do those things so it's a little like peace and quiet while I work and multi tasking.

 

If she makes something new you like, ask her to make it again. Or, come up with someone on your own and make it for her.

 

When she plans a vacation, don't just "go along" with it. Make an effort to research and plan an excursion while you're on vacation. Go out one morning for coffee while you're there and come back with a little gift for her, too.

 

It's not always enough to just "not complain." You have to put in an effort, too.