He duped me

[GemmaUK]

I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.*

 

He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.

 

There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.

 

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks

 

I would have taken it all as interest as well but looking at the bolded parts the guy needs a dog, not a girlfriend.

 

Don't let this guy stop you doing something you love though - there's no need to be his best bud whilst hiking and you're likely to actually make real friends within the group if you give up being all but civil towards him. It'll give you more time to get to know the others better.

[Kamille]

I went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him." I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.

 

No! Don't do this! Don't keep hope alive. Don't analyze the actions of someone who flat out told you he wasn't interested. Move on.

 

I do want to congratulate you for speaking up and telling him you like him. The good news is, you now have an answer: he likes you but not in that way. He admits to leading you on. He doesn't see you as relationship material.

 

I bet it hurts to hear that, especially since you've considered him your love interest for the last 3 years. So, you know what, you get a pass from me: be heartbroken. Get mad at him. Process the situation. And learn from it.

 

What do you think that lesson is? What can you learn from this that you won't repeat in the future?

[No_Go]

But the thing is he’s clearly interested at her. He can’t even hide it. He’s just unable to move forward at the moment. She doesn’t need to be mad at him - he was honest. She shouldn’t wait for him but things can change ... If you read these forums it happens all the time (even in some unethical circumstances, which is not the case here since the guy is very single).

 

 

 

No! Don't do this! Don't keep hope alive. Don't analyze the actions of someone who flat out told you he wasn't interested. Move on.

 

I do want to congratulate you for speaking up and telling him you like him. The good news is, you now have an answer: he likes you but not in that way. He admits to leading you on. He doesn't see you as relationship material.

 

I bet it hurts to hear that, especially since you've considered him your love interest for the last 3 years. So, you know what, you get a pass from me: be heartbroken. Get mad at him. Process the situation. And learn from it.

 

What do you think that lesson is? What can you learn from this that you won't repeat in the future?

[Cookiesandough]

No_Go, what makes you think this guy is interested? Everything I read seems like he's interested in the effect he has over her rather than interested in her.

[No_Go]

No_Go, what makes you think this guy is interested? Everything I read seems like he's interested in the effect he has over her rather than interested in her.

 

Reading between the lines in the OP. I’m betting money he’s interested. It could be what you said - the effect he has over him, but btw that’s the essence of attraction in way too many cases (quite possibly 90%+ of the women and half of the men dating are attracted to the effect more than the individual).

[Kamille]

But the thing is he’s clearly interested at her. He can’t even hide it. He’s just unable to move forward at the moment. She doesn’t need to be mad at him - he was honest. She shouldn’t wait for him but things can change ... If you read these forums it happens all the time (even in some unethical circumstances, which is not the case here since the guy is very single).

 

Clearly interested? It's obviously not that clear, else he wouldn't have said: "I like you but not in that way." I think you're projecting your own "non-conventional" relationship here.

 

 

 

She's just spent the last 3 years pining over him. I don't think it's helping her any to say: "oh he's interested and maybe in the future some thing will happen". The future just never seems to happen with this guy. What we know is that right now, he's not interested enough. What should we do, tell her to pine for another 3 years?

 

Angel, I read your post history after Cookies suggested it. There's clearly men who take an interest in you. There's no reason you should stay focused on a guy who doesn't reciprocate your feelings now. This is a lesson I wish I had taken to heart in my 20s, when I had a 3 year crush on a guy who never fully reciprocated. Other guys would approach me and I would run to the crush the minute he showed the slightest sign of maybe interested, as this guy has done. Don't do this to yourself. Else you'll find yourself, single and childless on the other side of 40, like me. (It's not that bad, but I bet it's not what you want for yourself )

Edited November 14, 2017 by Kamille

[Cookiesandough]

If you read her posts it's obvious she is talking about the same guy she has known for years. This guy has asked out several other women in the group, despite being "awkward" and showing signs of liking OP yet never asking her out. Now he has told her he does not like her enough in that way and does not want to take it further. He apologized for probably leading her on. How more transparent can the guy be? Waiting around any longer will just be her deluding herself and setting herself up for more hurt. She seems to be really suffering from this unrequited love situation

Edited November 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[clia]

I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.*

 

Men who are clearly interested don't say things like this.

 

OP, I know it hurts, but you really need to try and move on from this guy. He's not worth your time. It might be best for you to cut off all contact with him for awhile, including not going to the hiking group. (Not forever, just until you start to feel better about things.) Can you arrange to hike with your friends from the hiking group at a different time, away from the rest of the group, so you can still see them but avoid him?

[No_Go]

He can state whatever he wants, his behavior speaks louder than any words.

 

My own story btw is very different - these guys started off as friends and have solid history of months/years of interaction. So I’m not even comparing let alone projecting.

 

If she’s on a hunt to pin down asap a dude for a bf or some other ‘function’, fine - I agree that guy is not the best target. But to say he’s not interested... Unless he’s third degree sociopath he can’t even fake it if he wanted to.

 

 

Clearly interested? It's obviously not that clear, else he wouldn't have said: "I like you but not in that way." I think you're projecting your own "non-conventional" relationship here.

 

 

 

She's just spent the last 3 years pining over him. I don't think it's helping her any to say: "oh he's interested and maybe in the future some thing will happen". The future just never seems to happen with this guy. What we know is that right now, he's not interested enough. What should we do, tell her to pine for another 3 years?

 

Angel, I read your post history after Cookies suggested it. There's clearly men who take an interest in you. There's no reason you should stay focused on a guy who doesn't reciprocate your feelings now. This is a lesson I wish I had taken to heart in my 20s, when I had a 3 year crush on a guy who never fully reciprocated. Other guys would approach me and I would run to the crush the minute he showed the slightest sign of maybe interested, as this guy has done. Don't do this to yourself. Else you'll find yourself, single and childless on the other side of 40, like me. (It's not that bad, but I bet it's not what you want for yourself )

[No_Go]

If you read her posts it's obvious she is talking about the same guy she has known for years. This guy has asked out several other women in the group, despite being "awkward" and showing signs of liking OP yet never asking her out. Now he has told her he does not like her enough in that way and does not want to take it further. He apologized for probably leading her on. How more transparent can the guy be? Waiting around any longer will just be her deluding herself and setting herself up for more hurt. She seems to be really suffering from this unrequited love situation

 

As said if she’s on a mission ‘snatch a guy asap’, this is not the man for her. How much time she should have invested? As much as she’s comfortable with. Nobody is harmed here, no unethical actions are performed. I just don’t see it as best way to detach by deluding that he’s not interested. If that’s what she needs to detach - she can go ahead with this strategy of course, no harm in this as well.

[Kamille]

Sure, pay attention to actions: does he ask you out? Does he go out of his way to talk to you? Nope? Then his actions match his words. This isn't high school. Most people have moved past playing silly games, saying one thing while meaning another.

 

And if they haven't? If they have some kind of secret malfunction that makes it so they say they're not interested when they are? Then let them. They know better than you do why the match wouldn't work.

 

And yes, this has everything to do with recognizing what one's goals are. No reason to use condescending vocabulary to describe wanting to find love, a very common and very human desire.

 

There is no glory in pretending one doesn't want a long term relationship with a loving partner if that is what they want. Having relationships with loving partners is good for us. There is no glory in women in their 30s pretending they don't want children if they do want children. And what's more, there's no glory in staying fixed on a guy who, per Angel's words, caused her heartbreak, now and in the past. What's more, a situation like this might affect her self-esteem. Not saying she should regret the past, but she sure as heck should be clear with herself about what she really wants here.

 

And you know how I know all this? Because I used to pride myself on being different from others, on being non-conventional if you will. If the OP wants a loving relationship than she sure as heck should be clear about that and do what needs to be done to find a man who will love her without reserve.

[No_Go]

Kamille, ok - but the goals of most people evolve as they grow. I don’t even know the age of OP or her long-term aspirations. I presented my opinion on the guy’s interest based on what was written in this thread and this thread only.

 

I think you’re somehow demonizing your own past experiences. If someone dont end up coupled - so what? Are they necessarily less happy? Absolutely not. People can be happy or miserable or anything in between regardless of their relationship situation.

 

But bottom line - it is unrealistic to say guy that has been that close to OP, including cuddles, kisses etc for months, is not into her. I’m not advising her to wait around for him. I was just pointing out she can move forward without the mental crutch of deluding herself he’s not into her.

 

Sure, pay attention to actions: does he ask you out? Does he go out of his way to talk to you? Nope? Then his actions match his words. This isn't high school. Most people have moved past playing silly games, saying one thing while meaning another.

 

And if they haven't? If they have some kind of secret malfunction that makes it so they say they're not interested when they are? Then let them. They know better than you do why the match wouldn't work.

 

And yes, this has everything to do with recognizing what one's goals are. No reason to use condescending vocabulary to describe wanting to find love, a very common and very human desire.

 

There is no glory in pretending one doesn't want a long term relationship with a loving partner if that is what they want. Having relationships with loving partners is good for us. There is no glory in women in their 30s pretending they don't want children if they do want children. And what's more, there's no glory in staying fixed on a guy who, per Angel's words, caused her heartbreak, now and in the past. What's more, a situation like this might affect her self-esteem. Not saying she should regret the past, but she sure as heck should be clear with herself about what she really wants here.

 

And you know how I know all this? Because I used to pride myself on being different from others, on being non-conventional if you will. If the OP wants a loving relationship than she sure as heck should be clear about that and do what needs to be done to find a man who will love her without reserve.

[Cookiesandough]

As said if she’s on a mission ‘snatch a guy asap’, this is not the man for her. How much time she should have invested? As much as she’s comfortable with. Nobody is harmed here, no unethical actions are performed. I just don’t see it as best way to detach by deluding that he’s not interested. If that’s what she needs to detach - she can go ahead with this strategy of course, no harm in this as well.

 

 

she's not comfortable w it, though. if you see her other posts she's been suffering awhile. I think hanging around longer is just going to prolong her suffering. But I respect your POV

[No_Go]

she's not comfortable w it, though. if you see her other posts she's been suffering awhile. I think hanging around longer is just going to prolong her suffering. But I respect your POV

 

In that case I think the best she can do, is quite literally, jump onto someone else. I'm not saying it in a bad way. That's what I've done myself when I had to break my multi-year platonic crush with someone. I've done it with someone that I was certain that I have no future with, but I was very intrigued (he was a very special, adventurous, dangerous and full of surprises:)). This sexual relationship somewhat quenched the platonic crush. Not completely but enough for me to move on [btw I was young back then so I had all the time in the world to experiment. Now I wouldn't go that extreme - i'd possibly look for settling partner 'nice boy' type]

[NuevoYorko]

In that case I think the best she can do, is quite literally, jump onto someone else. I'm not saying it in a bad way. That's what I've done myself when I had to break my multi-year platonic crush with someone.

Whatever works for you. Neither of those approaches, though they seem to be your personal preferences, are conducive to anything beyond feeding a weak illusion. From her posts, I that the OP is tired of and hurt enough by that. It has not served her well. Time for her to move forward.

 

OP, I would hope that the you would ask more of yourself than to continue to pine for years for a man who is pointedly demonstrative of his disinterest, and that you does not use another person to make this easy for yourself. It will serve you very well if you learn what you can from your experience and move on to much better things for yourself. You deserve that.

[No_Go]

Ok, let me give you an analogy. I wanted to buy a house but it went off market. Should I start convincing myself oh, it was a bad house, definitely not right for me, I wasted my time with it, or just accept it was great but the circumstances did not allow me to have it and look for ok-ish alternative if I have to?

 

In any case, OP can do whatever seems right. Plenty of playing by the rules guys that will seal the deal asap, I’m sure she can find one with little effort.

 

Whatever works for you. Neither of those approaches, though they seem to be your personal preferences, are conducive to anything beyond feeding a weak illusion. From her posts, I that the OP is tired of and hurt enough by that. It has not served her well. Time for her to move forward.

 

OP, I would hope that the you would ask more of yourself than to continue to pine for years for a man who is pointedly demonstrative of his disinterest, and that you does not use another person to make this easy for yourself. It will serve you very well if you learn what you can from your experience and move on to much better things for yourself. You deserve that.

[clia]

But bottom line - it is unrealistic to say guy that has been that close to OP, including cuddles, kisses etc for months, is not into her. I’m not advising her to wait around for him. I was just pointing out she can move forward without the mental crutch of deluding herself he’s not into her.

 

I don't think it's unrealistic at all considering that he told her he doesn't want a relationship with her. Wanting to kiss and cuddle or otherwise be physical with her doesn't mean in any sense that he's into her for a relationship, which is what she wants.

 

I will grant you that maybe he's interested in sex or some physical relationship, but it's not the same thing and OP does herself no favors by trying to blur the lines to make herself feel better. A lot of guys will get physical with a woman who they aren't interested in having a relationship with.

 

I just don't understand why you are ignoring what he explicitly told her. One of the biggest lessons I learned in dating is that if a guy tells you something, believe him! I think a lot of women (myself included back in my 20s) spend way too much time trying twist things to get the outcome that they want, or trying to justify a man's behavior with excuses, rather than recognizing what is staring them right in the face.

[Kamille]

We all face rejection at times.

 

Does it hurt? Yes. It's infinitely better to face that pain and move on than to stay attached. And moving on is about good self-esteem: knowing you deserve someone who is into you - and therefore letting go of the people who aren't into you that way. Staying attached in the hopes someone is lying about their intentions? Staying focused on that person? For most - and I would argue, in this case, that's damaging.

 

 

 

As to my relationship to my past, it isn't the topic of this thread. I can however assure everyone here that I cherish it. But would I be smarter in my 20s and 30s about men? **** yeah. And so I'm going to give advice about what I wish I knew then.

[No_Go]

Ok Kamille you’re citing some CBT mantras here that for me make no sense but if it makes you or anyone else happier - more power on you.

 

I personally cherish and even enjoy rejection - because it gives information.

 

BUT here ‘rejection’ is ... quite borderline laughable. If the dude had a gf or simply didn’t like her - that’s rejection. BUT someone staring at her for hours at the party after all the cuddling, kissing and emotional intimacy is ‘rejecting’ ... very weirdly so to speak;)

 

As said - I’m not advising against the conventional wisdom to find a dude, flat out tell him ‘make me your gf/wifey or else ?’ - 5/10 cases this approach will work.

 

Each on their own.

 

We all face rejection at times.

 

Does it hurt? Yes. It's infinitely better to face that pain and move on than to stay attached. And moving on is about good self-esteem: knowing you deserve someone who is into you - and therefore letting go of the people who aren't into you that way. Staying attached in the hopes someone is lying about their intentions? Staying focused on that person? For most - and I would argue, in this case, that's damaging.

 

 

 

As to my relationship to my past, it isn't the topic of this thread. I can however assure everyone here that I cherish it. But would I be smarter in my 20s and 30s about men? **** yeah. And so I'm going to give advice about what I wish I knew then.

[No_Go]

Again, I just commented he’s clearly interested *in her*, not that he’s interested to *form a relationship with her*.

 

The two are loosely correlated.

 

In any case, how to proceed depends on what she wants. There are plenty of puppy guys waiting for a gf but that wasn’t the question - she asked what to do with this one.

 

 

I don't think it's unrealistic at all considering that he told her he doesn't want a relationship with her. Wanting to kiss and cuddle or otherwise be physical with her doesn't mean in any sense that he's into her for a relationship, which is what she wants.

 

I will grant you that maybe he's interested in sex or some physical relationship, but it's not the same thing and OP does herself no favors by trying to blur the lines to make herself feel better. A lot of guys will get physical with a woman who they aren't interested in having a relationship with.

 

I just don't understand why you are ignoring what he explicitly told her. One of the biggest lessons I learned in dating is that if a guy tells you something, believe him! I think a lot of women (myself included back in my 20s) spend way too much time trying twist things to get the outcome that they want, or trying to justify a man's behavior with excuses, rather than recognizing what is staring them right in the face.

[kendahke]

I went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him."

 

See, that was rude. Whatever is not going on between you and this idiot isn't his concern. I'd have said "I have moved on; your friend is the one who hasn't. You might want to holla at your boy with that mess".

 

I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.

 

His friend came over because they both have the maturity level of meddling junior high schoolers. Also, they know on some level that you are still open to playing this insipid game.

 

It's a sign of immaturity when a 40-something year old man is dragging his friend into his business with you to the point where that friend coming over to you and telling you your business.

 

It's time for you to start getting stern. Next time this friend comes over, you need to tell him to mind his own business and leave you alone.

Edited November 15, 2017 by kendahke

[No_Go]

Ouch! That is super rude indeed - if she shared the story with the mutual friend - it is palatable, but if the guy did - it is beyond immature...

 

See, that was rude. Whatever is not going on between you and this idiot isn't his concern. I'd have said "I have moved on; your friend is the one who hasn't. You might want to holla at your boy with that mess".

 

 

 

His friend came over because they both have the maturity level of meddling junior high schoolers. Also, they know on some level that you are still open to playing this insipid game.

 

It's a sign of immaturity when a 40-something year old man is dragging his friend into his business with you to the point where that friend coming over to you and telling you your business.

 

It's time for you to start getting stern. Next time this friend comes over, you need to tell him to mind his own business and leave you alone.

[Angel29]

I thank you for your comments which you all have valid points. Today I feel quite down that I allowed myself to be used and dragged into this mess. If he respected or valued me as a friend he would not have done this. I don't want to date a vindictive man like him. This hurts more as he was not an acquaintance and let me down.

[Kamille]

I thank you for your comments which you all have valid points. Today I feel quite down that I allowed myself to be used and dragged into this mess. If he respected or valued me as a friend he would not have done this. I don't want to date a vindictive man like him. This hurts more as he was not an acquaintance and let me down.

 

 

I'm sorry you feel let down. It's normal to feel hurt and upset right now. I know it sucks to feel that way.

 

You'll feel better eventually. In your shoes, I would treat this as heartbreak. Be extra kind to yourself, pamper yourself. Hang out with friends and talk it out (but don't let it turn into rumination).

 

But again, telling him how you felt? That was strong. That was the right thing to do. It doesn't feel great right now, but soon you will no longer be under his spell.

[NuevoYorko]

Ok, let me give you an analogy. I wanted to buy a house but it went off market. , or just accept it was great but the circumstances did not allow me to have it and look for ok-ish alternative if I have to?

 

Let me fix your analogy so that it is pertinent to the situation:

 

I wanted to buy a house, but it had never been on the market to my knowledge; in fact, people in the know had told me that they had never seen it to be available.

 

I'd never looked inside of it much less done any kind of inspection.

 

I was homeless when I found this house and have remained homeless for 4 years, hoping to buy it. My condition of homelessness along with my fixation on this structure has caused me a lot of pain for all this time.

 

Should I start convincing myself oh, it was a bad house, definitely not right for me, I wasted my time with it?

Edited November 15, 2017 by NuevoYorko