Author Saffron2017 Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 We've now been in touch again. All is good ? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 It is for me. I become very analytical after first time sex with a woman I'm dating. If it's just a ONS or a known (beforehand) casual arrangement, then I'm not distant. What is it that you tend to be analysing? Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 What is it that you tend to be analysing?Relationship potential. Do I see things moving forward with her? That sort of thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 another thing I'm wondering about is the sex itself. Like I said, I found it amazing. But it was very different to any sex I've ever had before. The first time was extremely raw and sort of primal. We more or less ripped each other's clothes off and were unable to even make it the bed and did it on the floor. (Then we went out to dinner etc etc). The 2nd time was not quite as frenzied, but it was still extremely intense, with me having an orgasm just from penetration (which is a first for me) and having completely simultaneous orgasms. I'm wondering if he thinks I'm very whorish actually?? It was all extremely full-on Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Relationship potential. Do I see things moving forward with her? That sort of thing. OMG maybe he won't see me as having relationship potential ? Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 another thing I'm wondering about is the sex itself. Like I said, I found it amazing. But it was very different to any sex I've ever had before. The first time was extremely raw and sort of primal. We more or less ripped each other's clothes off and were unable to even make it the bed and did it on the floor. (Then we went out to dinner etc etc). The 2nd time was not quite as frenzied, but it was still extremely intense, with me having an orgasm just from penetration (which is a first for me) and having completely simultaneous orgasms. I'm wondering if he thinks I'm very whorish actually?? It was all extremely full-on Sex with him doesn't make you a whore in his eyes... sex with other men does. How experienced is this guy? OMG maybe he won't see me as having relationship potential ? I don't think you should worry about that. Guys don't typically judge you negatively for good sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Sex with him doesn't make you a whore in his eyes... sex with other men does. How experienced is this guy? I don't think you should worry about that. Guys don't typically judge you negatively for good sex. He's VERY experienced. Whereas I'm not especially experienced at all (but I'm enthusiastic lol) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 can you describe him Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Share Posted November 2, 2017 can you describe him Why? Do you suspect you know him? Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I think he was probably embarrassed about finishing quickly the first time. On the other hand, John Gray--marital and family therapist who wrote the mars/venus book series--talks about how men tend to pull away to center themselves after intense intimacy for a few hours or a day or so. So this could just be his normal way of responding to seeing another side of you and being that close and vulnerable with you. Don't overanalyze it and put too much weirdness into the what if's, because that will reflect in your communication and potentially create awkwardness. I doubt he would be referring to himself as your boyfriend if he didn't think you had relationship potential. Relax and have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
miggyme1 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 I’ve been seeing this amazing guy for about two and a half months. We met quite organically, just by chance, rather than online dating or anything. Anyway, our relationship began with a pretty intense mental connection (literally hours upon hours of conversation right from the start) but there was also plenty of physical attraction as well. We didn’t have an official “what is this?” relationship talk. However, he told me a few weeks ago that he is not seeing or sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sleeping with anyone else either. We finally had sex this past weekend. The sex was AMAZING. The best sex I’ve ever had in my life. But now some insecurities are setting in. The very first time we had sex happened very spontaneously. Neither of us were expecting it exactly, it just happened. And he climaxed in something like 90 seconds and seemed really ashamed of that. Despite how quick the whole thing was it was actually seriously hot. But he seemed to think he’d disappointed me. We had sex again later that evening and he was able to last longer and it was amazing. But after sex he seemed distant. He wasn’t cuddling me as much as I’m used to (although we’d not previously had sex we’d slept in the same bed a few times). We talked a little and it was sweet and then we both fell asleep. In the morning he initially looked really fried, like actually shell shocked and he seemed more distant than usual. Then we had breakfast together and he started going back to his usual self. But he seemed shyer than before. He’s set up the next date and has also discussed various things he wants the two of us to do or see together over the next few weeks. He also referred to himself as “your boyfriend” and looked sooooooo shy when he said it. The thing is, he didn’t used to behave all that shy at all before we had sex, so why now? Before we had sex I was CRAZY about him. Now that we’ve had sex I’m just blown away by how amazing he is (in and out of bed). But I’m not sure how he feels. I was a bit worried about how he became distant, although as I said he more or less returned to normal in the morning. Is it normal for a man to become distant briefly immediately after sex? sounds like he might have a disorder like aspergers or something. I dont know obviously but it does seem like a mental disorder. Why else would having sex with you make his personality change so IMO a negative way? withdrawn, quiet etc After i bang a new chick i feel like i can conquer the world, even if i dont intend on dating that girl long term, its just something about a new bang that usually gives a guy that adrenaline rush especially if you want to make that girl your girlfriend so for him to do the complete opposite is strange,very strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Share Posted November 2, 2017 sounds like he might have a disorder like aspergers or something. I dont know obviously but it does seem like a mental disorder. Why else would having sex with you make his personality change so IMO a negative way? withdrawn, quiet etc After i bang a new chick i feel like i can conquer the world, even if i dont intend on dating that girl long term, its just something about a new bang that usually gives a guy that adrenaline rush especially if you want to make that girl your girlfriend so for him to do the complete opposite is strange,very strange. It's interesting you should mention this. His behaviour WAS odd. In between 1st and 2nd round of sex he said, "I think I'm gonna go and spend the night at my mom's house instead of coming up [to my apartment]" Then he said: "or maybe I should come up to your apartment?" Then he said: "no I think I'll go to my mom's" This went on for a solid five minutes. I was so unimpressed. To to be too graphic but he also seemed super disgusted at the sight of his own bodily fluids in the condom later on. There is something not quite right. There is also something deeply odd about his relationship with his mother. And for a quick second after the 2nd round of sex I felt almost like I was some kind of rapist. Even though he initiated the sex and he is the more experienced one, just the look of fear and horror on his face afterwards made me feel like I had molested him or something. Then eventually he returned back to relatively normal behaviour. Link to post Share on other sites
miggyme1 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 It's interesting you should mention this. His behaviour WAS odd. In between 1st and 2nd round of sex he said, "I think I'm gonna go and spend the night at my mom's house instead of coming up [to my apartment]" Then he said: "or maybe I should come up to your apartment?" Then he said: "no I think I'll go to my mom's" This went on for a solid five minutes. I was so unimpressed. To to be too graphic but he also seemed super disgusted at the sight of his own bodily fluids in the condom later on. There is something not quite right. There is also something deeply odd about his relationship with his mother. And for a quick second after the 2nd round of sex I felt almost like I was some kind of rapist. Even though he initiated the sex and he is the more experienced one, just the look of fear and horror on his face afterwards made me feel like I had molested him or something. Then eventually he returned back to relatively normal behaviour. Wow. I feel bad. Yea his behavior is totally off. I dont want to scare you but please tread carefully around him. Good news is at least you know why hes single, u ever dated someone for a long time and wondered how u got so lucky to meet this amazing person just to find out a year or two down the road that person was completely different and u found out your werent so lucky after all? At least in this relationship u guys are still new to each other and you can see the flaw,not trying to degrade him cuz we all have flaws,im just saying its a good thing you are seeing his early on in this relationship. You are gonna have a tough decision to make, you say the sex is the best you ever had but is the awkwardness worth it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 2, 2017 Author Share Posted November 2, 2017 Wow. I feel bad. Yea his behavior is totally off. I dont want to scare you but please tread carefully around him. Good news is at least you know why hes single, u ever dated someone for a long time and wondered how u got so lucky to meet this amazing person just to find out a year or two down the road that person was completely different and u found out your werent so lucky after all? At least in this relationship u guys are still new to each other and you can see the flaw,not trying to degrade him cuz we all have flaws,im just saying its a good thing you are seeing his early on in this relationship. You are gonna have a tough decision to make, you say the sex is the best you ever had but is the awkwardness worth it? To be honest the whole thing was just so confusing. I suppose it's possible he even has some kind of sex abuse issues in his past Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 Do not over analyze. Sounds like things went well. keep things positive and enjoy your dating and see where this goes with him. Hopefully good. Link to post Share on other sites
miggyme1 Posted November 2, 2017 Share Posted November 2, 2017 To be honest the whole thing was just so confusing. I suppose it's possible he even has some kind of sex abuse issues in his past Thats a good point. i didnt even think of that. I pray not though because something that extreme is going to take a lot of patience from you. I dont know if one can ever get over something that severe. Just keep going out and doing things couples do to try and feel him out. See how he interacts with his family and other people. Not advocating for u to meet his family so soon but if and when it does get to that point pay close attention to how he interacts with his family and how receptive they are to you. If they really like u thats good, if they really dislike you thats good as well, but if they are indifferent thats a very bad sign because that also means that dont really care about him 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 7, 2017 Author Share Posted November 7, 2017 He went really quiet for a week. Then he told me he'd like us to have a more serious, exclusive relationship 1 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Really weird stuff on the mom thing. I thought at first, his withdrawing was just that the positive connection kind of blindsided him. We all do it. It works well outside the bedroom, then the sex is great, and suddenly you're thinking, crap, this is REAL. Despite wanting to meet a long-term, happily-ever-after, suddenly these feelings scare the crap out of you, and especially if you don't know the other feels the same. The shyness, pullback seemed more of a quirk in trying to maneuver around some intense feelings. Some men (women) many withdraw and encapsulate themselves in order to process what just happened. This can be healthy or not...it depends, and could just be personality differences that you work around or a withdrawal can be a real problem. We just don't know. The experience of being kind of shy yet mentioning boyfriend seemed like a normal, yet a bit different, reaction, and not necessarily alarming...hard to say without being there. The mom thing really threw me off, and the other update, it seems like red flags. I would think being a little withdrawn and quiet could be a normal personality trait, but the absolute fear, disgust, and monologue on whether or not to go spend the night at his mom's instead of continuing a grownup relationship/date is a whole other can o' worms. Just weird. I'm not sure where to go as far as advice. I think I would let this one play out a little bit. The intensity could just be leaving him (you) a bit off kilter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 Really weird stuff on the mom thing. I thought at first, his withdrawing was just that the positive connection kind of blindsided him. We all do it. It works well outside the bedroom, then the sex is great, and suddenly you're thinking, crap, this is REAL. Despite wanting to meet a long-term, happily-ever-after, suddenly these feelings scare the crap out of you, and especially if you don't know the other feels the same. The shyness, pullback seemed more of a quirk in trying to maneuver around some intense feelings. Some men (women) many withdraw and encapsulate themselves in order to process what just happened. This can be healthy or not...it depends, and could just be personality differences that you work around or a withdrawal can be a real problem. We just don't know. The experience of being kind of shy yet mentioning boyfriend seemed like a normal, yet a bit different, reaction, and not necessarily alarming...hard to say without being there. The mom thing really threw me off, and the other update, it seems like red flags. I would think being a little withdrawn and quiet could be a normal personality trait, but the absolute fear, disgust, and monologue on whether or not to go spend the night at his mom's instead of continuing a grownup relationship/date is a whole other can o' worms. Just weird. I'm not sure where to go as far as advice. I think I would let this one play out a little bit. The intensity could just be leaving him (you) a bit off kilter. Upon reflection (and also going by a few other things/comments that have come up that aren't directly related to sex), I strongly suspect that he has some kind of abuse issue in his past. Despite these brief instances of baffling behaviour, my gut instinct is that he is a good person and that I want to continue seeing him. Coincidentally (or not), I used to struggle to behave "normally" immediately after sex In my case it was due to sexual abuse/rape in my distant past that made me feel conflicted about sex. In part I associated sex with violence and evil. I had years of therapy to try to heal the issue. This guy is the first person I've had sex with since all my therapy and healing work and interestingly for the first time in my life I felt 100% good about the sex (even despite his somewhat strange behaviour afterwards) and all the conflicted feelings I used to have had gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 8, 2017 Share Posted November 8, 2017 Upon reflection (and also going by a few other things/comments that have come up that aren't directly related to sex), I strongly suspect that he has some kind of abuse issue in his past. Despite these brief instances of baffling behaviour, my gut instinct is that he is a good person and that I want to continue seeing him. I would be careful about projecting your own experiences to that of another. You have no evidence that this guy behaving this way b/c of past sexual trauma. I find that projecting often leads to enabling or creating excuses b/c one has 'hopeful' feelings that it isn't the more disappointing reason for the sudden change in behavior. I'm sorry, but have you heard from him since? Has his communication improved? New date lined up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saffron2017 Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 I would be careful about projecting your own experiences to that of another. You have no evidence that this guy behaving this way b/c of past sexual trauma. I find that projecting often leads to enabling or creating excuses b/c one has 'hopeful' feelings that it isn't the more disappointing reason for the sudden change in behavior. I'm sorry, but have you heard from him since? Has his communication improved? New date lined up? Yes I updated the thread I think. New dates lined up etc etc Link to post Share on other sites
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