Is this guy I am dating mentally messed up?

[Hopeful30]

Whether or not he is potentially abusive doesn't really matter, and i will tell you why.

 

I was in an abusive relationship for 8 months, and the biggest mistake I made was not listening to my gut when it told me to leave or pay attention to red flags.

 

Your mind is trying to rationalize this situation because you aren't comfortable with it. This is the point. Even if he is a good guy, pay attention to how you feel which is that you're not comfortable with it.

 

From here you have several options. You can express this to your man so he understands where you are and how you feel. Judging by how he reacts, you will know he is understanding and considerate, or if he's not.

 

Another option, if you're not comfortable with the first option, is to say you're not ready for what he is expecting, or that you feel he has certain expectations and that's not what you're looking for right now. Again, you will get a clearer answer by how he responds to this.

 

The key is to be true to yourself and honour how you feel. Whether or not he is a good guy shouldn't matter, because this isn't about him. It's about You.

[rushed]

He was insensitive, and I might tell him that, and be honest saying I don't think I can date someone who is insensitive or can't understand my past.

 

What he did was horrendous, he was comparing someone cheating on him to someone who mentally and verbally abused me for 6 years,physically threatened me on a regular basis, and left me with immense damage. I suffer everyday as a result. I remember he didn't care to hear what I had been through, all he cared was. But are you okay now? I could sense if I said no, he would reject me, so I said I was fine. Can you believe that? There was no compliment for getting away or sense of support, nothing. Either he is ignorant towards abuse, or does not care. Either one is not good.

 

You are doing both of you a disservice by telling him that you're fine. If he doesn't want to deal with someone who has issues then you shouldn't have said that you are fine, especially when it is apparent that you are nowhere near fine. Just like you don't want to date abusive men, he wants to date someone who is okay. Neither of you can be beneficial to the other under these circumstances. You are always going to to try and read something negative into his words and actions and he will more than likely be confused and bewildered by your reactions, because he doesn't know your state of mind.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, I read your OP (only on this thread) and it read like you were being paranoid or overly sensitive, to me. And pretty uptight. I agree some counseling would probably help. Maybe you are reading too much into every little thing in an effort to protect yourself and look for signs, but at this rate from the way I read it, i think you will find it difficult to sustain a normal, healthy relationship or get past the initial stages. And you may interpret that stuff happening and build upon already overly sensitive or inaccurate reads on people. Just my thoughts. Ok good luck

[Highndry]

I don't mean to sound harsh at all, but you seem hypersensitive, and asking if he's mentally messed up when he's done absolutely nothing wrong is disturbing.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Highndry

[coolheadal]

I have my guard up, because I am not losing more of my life to abuse. I have lost 7 years to it, including the recovery process, which I am still very much in the middle of, so it will probably be at least 8. I know I need to focus on myself but I crave and miss having intimacy with someone. I don't think I deserve to feel lonely either, how is it fair that I have to constantly sacrifice my happiness and potentially being happy with someone, for my ex abuser? if I wait til I am 100% healed, I might never find anyone. I might not be fully healed for 5 years, if ever, I don't know if I will ever fully get over this, it has changed me, I don't have the luxury of going around with my guard down, because of what has happened to me, and probably never will. I don't see how I could have much of a different perspective in a year as I do now, no matter what any counselor tells me. To just give someone my trust, would feel like I am asking for trouble. I am sick and tired of feeling all the consequences of the abuse, while the abuser is not one bit bothered and moved on to do his usual thing. When I said this to a counselor they said, you need to look at your role, you were being compliant etc...so I am trying to get myself out of a victim mentality, and one where I feel healthy, how I do not know, he wouldn't tell me how. He said to live your life, challenge myself. Maybe that is the answer?

 

and don't think him mocking me for how long I took to arrive was belittling?

 

I do not believe in these so called counselor or therapist. The Ex-Wife and me had attended one she wanted to save our marriage. I knew it wouldn't work, but sure enough it didn't. But funny when had asked her why did you do this to your husband she just laugh at him. Then wanted to leave because he wasn't taking her side of things. But I see for myself the guy only knew things that he was trained in school for when you experience the abuse then you know first hand what you have to do to never go through that ever again. You can over come this I did through healing groups of Reiki. In return I became a Reiki Master of Healing to help heal others, but in my family history we are all psychic with clairvoyance abilities. You really need to search your soul. Right now I feel (I am not putting you down just letting you know what I sense from you) that you so torn up and damage. The wall/guard you have to put that up because of what you with your prior ex-abuser. You have to forget and love him again when I say that is how you heal they are not your enemy you do not want to think negative at them because that will weaken you.

 

They can't help themselves most likely he was abused child in abuse family setting. He shouldn't be married. he will never understand what he did to you unless he get reborn or heal through a healing group. My Ex-wife came back to me in 2015 not together but to say she was sorry for the abuse and her behavior and the lose of our marriage. I told her you and me shouldn't got married in the first place. She can't never marry again. She actually had her new BF outside in the rental I had vision once she would return to my house here in white vehicle it was white.

 

I am good, but she told me anything I need and she'll do it. Yep she paid me back for what I gave her when I needed it. Today NC is in place for good. I don't hate her as no one should ever hate anyone because it's negative impact on your soul. Think good thought. But you have to find healing group so they can make you feel like you again. My have to get a private session for healing with the Reiki Master. That is the only way you can be yourself again. Today I feel great! Stronger and confident to take on any challenges you know we do not live in a perfect loving world of positive people. So that's why got to stand-up for yourself. Never let anyone put you down or stamp all over you.

 

Try to love again, you can do it but you need healing group help. Once you get that going your life will open up again. If you want a new life you can have it with this guy but that's up to you. Give him a chance but get the healing going first. I wish you the best! Shanti - means peace.

[GemmaUK]

How long have you two been dating OP? I'd like to know the answer before I write a full reply.

 

I think you are over thinking some thinks drastically here but one or two things possibly not but one of them depends on how long you've been together.

 

8 months is not at all long to heal and I also, like others think you would benefit from more counselling. You have talked a lot about your ex here so there is counselling on that front to be concluded but also transitional counselling could really help you so that you realistically recognise things which could be little warning signs.