Anyone been in love with someone who has mental issues?

[magnesium]

She is on disability, but part of her being on disability is that she sees a psychiatrist but so far she refuses to see one. She takes her meds religiously but on the flip side she abuses her pain pills and Adderall.

 

Ned, you sound like a decent guy.

 

Save yourself. Your quality of life is going to continue to decline if you keep in contact with her.

 

You are no match against her addiction to pills.

 

I've been there too, so I can relate to your experience.

 

Run, and don't look back.

[Converoma]

Yes, I've had experience, although not bi-polor specifically. I don't want to write a tome here, but I will give you a couple of key concepts that you should try to accept and integrate so that they guide not only cognitive realizations, but emotionally as well.

 

First, it wasn't about you. They attach through extreme neediness and the unrealistic hope that someone else will be the solution to their issues. You just happened to be an object in the right place at the right time, and when they asked who is willing to sacrifice his own happiness to assuage my misery, you raised your hand. Your rationalization is that they will be so appreciative of your sacrifice that they will be caring and forever loyal. But when you fail to absorb all of their misery and make them whole, it's your fault and you are no longer useful.

 

Secondly, your susceptibility is based on not believing deep down that you are worthy of being loved just for who you are, so you sign on as caretaker and savior, and are willing to settle for just getting a little tiny bit of appreciation in return for the huge sacrifice. It starts out feeling like appreciation, but in the end, you don't even get that and it is replaced with resentment and distain. Then, if you don't deal with it and become aware of the why and how, it ends up reinforcing your sense of unworthiness... you made the big sacrifice and accepted the role, but ultimately you weren't even good enough for scraps in a one-sided deal.

 

The answer is to get into therapy and let go of that sense of failure. Figure out why you don't feel worthy... of being loved by a healthy person who will appreciate you and love you in an other-focused way, reciprocate by meeting your needs as well, and love you wholeheartedly without this warped expectation that you need to be perfect in order to be worthy. It's a process, it will take time and work. Shift your focus now and learn to love yourself so that you don't have to make a deal to accept a dysfunctional arrangement.

 

Good grief you just defined me in my last relationship to a T.

 

I dated a man who started out fantastic. He was a BRILLIANT musician, charismatic, attractive, intelligent, and ambitious as well. We had the most intimate conversations. He was gentlemanly, kind, funny... Unfortunately after about 3 months I began to learn that he also suffered from substance abuse, low self esteem, suicidal thoughts and depression. His father killed his mother and committed suicide about 6 years ago, which has obviously had a lasting impact on him.

 

I took on the role of caretaker. I let him cry to me, complain about his life; I let him call me up at midnight drunk as a skunk and moaning about how all of the women in his life betray him. I listened to him as he said he felt he could never love someone again, and that he was destined to be alone. I walked on eggshells around him because even the slightest criticism he took to heart and overanalyzed. I couldn't talk about things that bothered me because I didn't want to upset him. The whole time I told myself "Yes. You can fix him, show him how to love again." I did things like come to his house and walk his dogs, wash his dishes, cook him food, all in hopes that these gestures would make him love me.

 

No. No. I reread one of my old journal entries and in it I said "I am his emotional sponge. Every day he dumps on me I feel like a little part of me dies inside."

 

The only person who can fix an unhealthy person is THAT person. And that's only if they want to. When I finally suggested to my ex that maybe he needed therapy he blew up at me and ultimately ended the relationship. He blamed me for everything and never once apologized. It sucked.

 

I'm not saying all mentally ill people shouldn't date... just be really, really cautious if you know you're dating one. I am still reeling from this relationship and it will take me some considerable therapy and time to recover from it.

[amaysngrace]

I was under the impression that you attract the health of a partner that is similar to your own.

[GorillaTheater]

I was under the impression that you attract the health of a partner that is similar to your own.

 

 

I don't know about that. My wife seems pretty sane.

[Steve51]

I was engaged to a woman who is bipolar and hears voices but she hid it well for the 4 years we were going out together by taking medication. Since we did not live together or even go to the same school, we only saw each other on weekends. Then after high school I was away in the Army so I saw her one weekend a month.

 

She ended up cheating on me when I was in the Arm and she figured that it was safe to come off of her medications. She not only cheated and lost me, she became a drug addict which is basically self medication, went to live on a commune hoping for the peace she was seeking but ended up with a child by one of the several men she was passed around to as they were stoned all the time. No DNA testing back then. She got married, used the husband to support her child and then divorced him to marry a woman she was cheating on him with.

 

Having had relationships with bi women only, I know that you need to be suspicious of girls as well as men. Most men are fine if their girl spends a lot of time with her girlfriend, goes clubbing, and even on vacation with her. Ad some mental illness and it can ruin your life too. My second relationship was also with a bi girl with mental illness. She was a sex addict that had to have sex with every man she met. She needed the validation that she was still as hot as she was as a cheerleader. I ended it when she asked my friends to gang bang her. Months later she called me up and was going back to the farm she came from. She recognized her problems about sex addiction and leaning more towards women then men, which is why she dated a lot of men to overcompensate. She wanted me to impregnate her before she went home. She did not want a man in her life though. My lesbian niece is the same way. Had kids but does not want a man involved in her life. She too has mental problems so bad that the State took her child away from her until she got better.

 

You would think I know better but I married a virgin who turned out to be bi and has emotional scars from an abusive alcoholic dad. I stuck with her though and we are married for 45 years. I am the one who is on antidepressants though.

 

It can be difficult but not impossible. The chances are high though that she will drag you down with her. They often go off of their meds after feeling better for a few years. In fact, I do the same and my wife has to ask me to go back on my medication. Then again, many people have mental problems due to the high stress world we live in. Learning to cope with the issues is the key to a good life.

[NedFlanders]

There has been NC, and I know somehow I will be okay in time the same for all of us here. Still though, it does not take away the pain. I guess I am still stuck on what have might have been because we both were amazed and in both our words everything just felt so natural and we just clicked. Loving and losing I just do not know if it is worth it. It puts some people in such a downward spiral were as some people just rebound so easily from it.

I do wonder since I am a man if I should be so damn emotional. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeves and I guess I should just start apologizing for doing that.

[magnesium]

I do wonder since I am a man if I should be so damn emotional. I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeves and I guess I should just start apologizing for doing that.

 

You are allowed to be emotional as a man. Emotions aren't gender specific, despite what we have all been indoctrinated to believe through society/culture norms.

[Buriall]

Don't you worry if you think you're too emotional there is nothing wrong with that. After all we are human beings.

 

Water is soft but it carves through rocks, mountains and so on. It is the strength after all that counts..

 

To feel everything emotionally can be a a good and bad thing.. Because you feel it in your being and to me that's a wonderful gift... You aren't any less of a man, chin up...