Is it difficult getting back together with dumper?

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't do second chances. I just don't.

 

I can forgive, but I can't forget.

 

If I did the dumping, it's a clear case of once I'm done, I'm done. And it takes a lot for me to bail on a relationship.

 

If I was the one dumped, I don't need to be reminded twice that something wasn't working.

 

In both scenarios, the emotions that go hand in hand with breaking up are just too great to endure round two with the same person. Break ups don't happen for no reason after all.

 

I'm all for carving out a friendship and being civil with ex partners but a repeat performance is not something I do.

[dumbass2]

You only said it was a misunderstanding and that she thought you lied. What was the misunderstanding that started the downfall?

[SpecialJ]

I'm confused about why abusive relationships are being brought up here as almost aspirational. People in those cases may take the dumper back because they're addicted or codependent. It's not actually about love. Those revisits usually don't last, or if they do, the victim isn't ever happy. Was that brought up as just a technical argument countering a blanket statement about dumpers? If so, it doesn't exactly support your case that this is healthy and worth a second chance.

[Bantosm]

I don't do second chances. I just don't.

 

I can forgive, but I can't forget.

 

If I did the dumping, it's a clear case of once I'm done, I'm done. And it takes a lot for me to bail on a relationship.

 

If I was the one dumped, I don't need to be reminded twice that something wasn't working.

 

In both scenarios, the emotions that go hand in hand with breaking up are just too great to endure round two with the same person. Break ups don't happen for no reason after all.

 

I'm all for carving out a friendship and being civil with ex partners but a repeat performance is not something I do.

Relationships are complicated and can often fail because any of number of reasons that have nothing to do with how well two people are suited or care for each other. If you never faced one of those situations and considered a second chance then consider yourself lucky.

You only said it was a misunderstanding and that she thought you lied. What was the misunderstanding that started the downfall?

Check post 15.

I'm confused about why abusive relationships are being brought up here as almost aspirational. People in those cases may take the dumper back because they're addicted or codependent. It's not actually about love. Those revisits usually don't last, or if they do, the victim isn't ever happy. Was that brought up as just a technical argument countering a blanket statement about dumpers? If so, it doesn't exactly support your case that this is healthy and worth a second chance.

I used the worst case scenario. It doesn't matter why they took them back. Even in a normal relationship a dumper may often get back together with someone who wasn't good for them.

[Bantosm]

I stand corrected. I just had a huge fail. I added her and she quickly accepted. We exchanged several messages. She sent me a selfie. I replied with a bad selfie and she quickly unfriended me.

[Bantosm]

I relayed the photo I used to an ex who is brutally honest. She said the photo was a terrible choice, saying it didn't really look like me. She said she probably would've deleted someone who didn't put more effort in selecting an initial photo. I was unfamiliar with the site and I thought you had to take a photo on the spot but she showed how to select a photo from the roll. She said to try a second time with any of the photos she recommended. I guess I still have a shot.

[Been]

It depends. Most of the time I wouldn't recommend it based on the fact that most people who dump people usually have someone else in mind and when they come running back to the person they dumped its usually because the other person didn't workout.

Then to top it off you are with someone who has shown you the ability to drop you and that has to play on your mind. Kinda like waiting for something bad to happen.

[ExpatInItaly]

I relayed the photo I used to an ex who is brutally honest. She said the photo was a terrible choice, saying it didn't really look like me. She said she probably would've deleted someone who didn't put more effort in selecting an initial photo. I was unfamiliar with the site and I thought you had to take a photo on the spot but she showed how to select a photo from the roll. She said to try a second time with any of the photos she recommended. I guess I still have a shot.

 

What site?

 

I'm confused, are you talking about the same girl whose workplace you went to? If so, she already knows what you look like, OP.

[elaine567]

I guess I still have a shot.

 

I guess you don't.

 

She sent me a selfie. I replied with a bad selfie and she quickly unfriended me.

NO-ONE sane, would cut someone off over a badly taken selfie.

I guess she wasn't exactly sure who she was talking to and when she got the pic, she realised it was you, or she remembered why she dumped you, so she quit and unfriended you.

Sorry, but you cannot resurrect this.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Then explain the stories of people who are being abused who finally dump their abuser often take them back a short later and the cycle repeats? The the same thing is common with people who dump drug users only to take them. All fairly common and all involve more damage than what I've done.

 

Yes, this does happen far too often than it should. Typically and unfortunately, the abused is emotionally compromised and prime to return. My feeling is that such a person was already compromised in some way, so an abusive relationship is often what they gravitate towards. Such ladies tend to have this co-dependent view of relationships, unhealthy and molded by past relationships such as with fathers, parents.

 

There is nothing healthy or romantic about people who return to abusive relationships. There's nothing about people who return to relationships that they KNOW are not healthy for them.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Because the person being abused is not really the dumper, they are usually forced into dumping someone who is abusing them.

They do not really want to leave, they are usually still in love, but the behaviour of the abuser becomes too much for them to stand. If the abuser then comes and says "Sorry I treated you bad, come back to me" then she/he will often fold and take them back with open arms.

 

The normal dumper on the other hand has fallen out of love, doesn't like or may even hate the other person, does not see any future, or wants to be with someone else, they are often very relieved once they pull the plug.

The dumpee comes back and wants another chance and the dumper then says "No way, it will never work." end of story.

 

And then there is the dumper who wants the dumped back....;)

[Bantosm]

It depends. Most of the time I wouldn't recommend it based on the fact that most people who dump people usually have someone else in mind and when they come running back to the person they dumped its usually because the other person didn't workout.

Then to top it off you are with someone who has shown you the ability to drop you and that has to play on your mind. Kinda like waiting for something bad to happen.

I would agree with that in most cases. However in this case, before she and I dated she explained about her deep insecurity issues. I never dated anyone who had similar level insecurity but I still managed to get closer to her than other man at least on a romantic level. I made a big mistake that validated her insecurity fear and it was born out a series errors where I was trying to get feedback from her. I now have a better understanding on how to properly deal with that type of insecurity and not make the same mistakes again that's why I would wholly consider a second chance.

What site?

 

I'm confused, are you talking about the same girl whose workplace you went to? If so, she already knows what you look like, OP.

She knows what I look like in person under good light not necessarily from a bad selfie.

I guess you don't.

 

NO-ONE sane, would cut someone off over a badly taken selfie.

It happens frequently on tinder and other dating sites where people make snap judgments. I had a cousin who only used one photo on tinder was getting nothing. She simply used a new photo and had great improvement.

I guess she wasn't exactly sure who she was talking to and when she got the pic, she realised it was you, or she remembered why she dumped you, so she quit and unfriended you.

Sorry, but you cannot resurrect this.

I don't know it seems pretty silly that she wouldn't recognize me in person while I'm talking with her but somehow suddenly realize who I was from a bad photo or forgets why she dumped me until she seen the bad photo. Maybe you're right. I hate to assume anything. I'm going to try again with a good photo if the door doesn't open I'll quit.

[Bantosm]

I tried again with a decent photo but got the same results . I have no excuses now. It doesn't make any sense. I was able to read her body language the first few times I seen her and could tell she was interested and the last time seemed similar or else I wouldn't have even tried. I thought she would at least be open to talking.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, surely you realize that contacting her on a dating app when she already rejected you in person was a bad idea. The quality of your photo had zero to do with this.

 

She is not interested. You need to respect that and leave her be now.

[Bantosm]

OP, surely you realize that contacting her on a dating app when she already rejected you in person was a bad idea. The quality of your photo had zero to do with this.

 

She is not interested. You need to respect that and leave her be now.

She never rejected me in person. She told how to contact her and seemed open to talking. Yet she rejected me online so nothing left to do but quit. I said I had no excuses so I'm not sure what you're implying with: You need to respect that and leave her be now.

[ExpatInItaly]

She never rejected me in person. She told how to contact her and seemed open to talking. Yet she rejected me online so nothing left to do but quit. I said I had no excuses so I'm not sure what you're implying with: You need to respect that and leave her be now.

 

You said earlier that this girl dumped you.

 

You then messaged her and got no reply. Then you went to her workplace, and she didn't really seem too keen to see you there. Then you contacted her twice on a dating app and got no reply to either attempt.

 

It could not be clearer that she does not wish to communicate with you. That is why you need to learn to read between the lines and leave her alone. She has given you no indication that she wants to be in contact with you, and her lack of response to the first attempt at contact should have been enough for you to just let it go.

[elaine567]

The fact she dumped you in the first place should have been enough for you to move on and not bother her again.

 

Dating is supposed to be a two way process, if one does not see a future and wants to break up, then that should be respected by the other.

Few break up for no reason, there is usually a very good reason and that is why it is useless to keep pursuing those who make it very clear they do not want to see you again.

It doesn't really matter how YOU feel or whether you think they are being stupid for not giving you a chance, because you get no say.

Hard as it may be, if a person tells you they do not want to see you again, then you walk away and keep walking.

If and is often a very big IF, they change their mind about you, they will find you.

[Bantosm]

You said earlier that this girl dumped you.

 

You then messaged her and got no reply. Then you went to her workplace, and she didn't really seem too keen to see you there. Then you contacted her twice on a dating app and got no reply to either attempt.

 

It could not be clearer that she does not wish to communicate with you. That is why you need to learn to read between the lines and leave her alone. She has given you no indication that she wants to be in contact with you, and her lack of response to the first attempt at contact should have been enough for you to just let it go.

No. After she broke up with me, I sent dozens of messages and she replied to all of them. I got very annoyed because everything was contrary to what she said before. I felt she broke up with me out of fear. She didn't deny it but refused to talk about it and that led to arguments. I convinced her to block me. A month or so afterwards I got back in touch via text and we had several friendly conversations. She had always replied I figured she might've gotten a new number so that's why I checked in at her workplace. It was very odd that she blocked me but I'm convinced that she was happy to see me.

The fact she dumped you in the first place should have been enough for you to move on and not bother her again.

 

Dating is supposed to be a two way process, if one does not see a future and wants to break up, then that should be respected by the other.

Few break up for no reason, there is usually a very good reason and that is why it is useless to keep pursuing those who make it very clear they do not want to see you again.

It doesn't really matter how YOU feel or whether you think they are being stupid for not giving you a chance, because you get no say.

Hard as it may be, if a person tells you they do not want to see you again, then you walk away and keep walking.

If and is often a very big IF, they change their mind about you, they will find you.

I happen to agree with most of what you said. The woman in question has an OCD and low self esteem that complicates dating. She had one boyfriend before me and in a similar manner suddenly decided to quit the relationship. Even before she and I started to date, she expressed that I wouldn't like her. Now what I learned afterwards is that people with low self esteem tend to create self fulfilling prophecies. That would explain a lot of her behavior including why she blocked me when I tried for a second chance.