Is She Testing Me?

[Cookiesandough]

omgosh I don't think he should do that

[rightondude]

what was the "HUGE bag of worms" that got opened up?

 

I agree with Highanddry, you stating "your needs were being met" maybe wasn't the most attractive way of indicating you wanted to be exclusive. And I also agree you shouldn't even need to be the one to say it. Just keep being awesome and she will be requesting that of you brother. At least that's the way it's always worked out for me. Of course, here I am too.

[Highndry]

what was the "HUGE bag of worms" that got opened up?

 

I agree with Highanddry, you stating "your needs were being met" maybe wasn't the most attractive way of indicating you wanted to be exclusive. And I also agree you shouldn't even need to be the one to say it. Just keep being awesome and she will be requesting that of you brother. At least that's the way it's always worked out for me. Of course, here I am too.

 

I agree. I've never had to ask a woman to be exclusive. It seems they've always pushed for that, and pretty soon. 7 months is a long time to be seeing somebody without being exclusive. I think it's always happened within the first month for me.

 

omgosh I don't think he should do that

 

After 7 months, it's probably time for that conversation if that's what he wants.

 

Edit: Am I misunderstanding the 7 months thing? Like, maybe she said that because he shocked her and it took time off her life?

Edited November 2, 2017 by Highndry
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[lakerman34]

I agree. I've never had to ask a woman to be exclusive. It seems they've always pushed for that, and pretty soon. 7 months is a long time to be seeing somebody without being exclusive. I think it's always happened within the first month for me.

 

 

 

After 7 months, it's probably time for that conversation if that's what he wants.

 

Edit: Am I misunderstanding the 7 months thing? Like, maybe she said that because he shocked her and it took time off her life?

 

OH NO! Let me be clear:

 

I've been seeing her for 4-5 weeks. The 7 months thing is as you said, it was a shock to her.

 

As for the "date," I DID NOT go on a date. I canceled the date. She shouldn't be UPSET about this (should she?)

 

I told her 'take your time' and haven't said anything to her since. I'm preparing for the worst, and I'm OK with it. We are AMAZING together, but the whole mono/poly thing is a dealbreaker. I'm not willing to "become" poly for her, and I don't expect she become "mono" for me.

 

We shall see officially tomorrow (I may text her to confirm if our plans are still standing).

[TheTraveler]

This is a classic example where too much texting will eventually sink your battleship

[lakerman34]

This is a classic example where too much texting will eventually sink your battleship

 

Did you read the entire thread?

[GemmaUK]

You had an agreement that this was casual.

She said 'it isn't very appealing' when you basically said you were catching feelings.

 

Why would you want to see her again?

You're best off out of this completely if you've caught feelings.

Let alone that she is polyamorous, People don't just 'change' things like that

[ExpatInItaly]

If you are monogamous and she is not, and neither of you wants to change, I don't see the point in continuing this. You two want very different things, as indicated by her assertion that exclusivity is "not very appealing."

 

Sorry OP, but this one is likely over, and it's better that way. You have polar opposite mentalities about relationships.

[joseb]

Can OP or someone explain her "you've just taken 7 months off my life" comment. It makes sense to me at all...

[Kamille]

You asked for exclusivity by text??? Why?

 

I once had a date do that and I turned him down pronto, first of all because I wasn't ready for exclusivity, but second because him asking by text made the conversation a minefield.

 

If I had been into him, I still would have been disappointed that he'd ask by text. It's not romantic. These conversations about moving the relationship forward should be had in person, when you're having fun; not when you're afraid of losing the other person.

Edited November 2, 2017 by Kamille

[lakerman34]

You asked for exclusivity by text??? Why?

 

I once had a date do that and I turned him down pronto, first of all because I wasn't ready for exclusivity, but second because him asking by text made the conversation a minefield.

 

If I had been into him, I still would have been disappointed that he'd ask by text. It's not romantic. These conversations about moving the relationship forward should be had in person, when you're having fun; not when you're afraid of losing the other person.

 

I agree with you. I didn't expect it to go down that path, and it just did.

 

However, I wasn't afraid of losing her. Everything has been going amazingly well. There's just a mismatch with the poly/mono thing.

[lakerman34]

Can OP or someone explain her "you've just taken 7 months off my life" comment. It makes sense to me at all...

 

She was so shocked that it was as if I took 7 months off her life. Not literal.

[TheTraveler]

Did you read the entire thread?

 

Yes, I would have laid back on some of the texts as they weren't necessary. The night she went out, I wouldn't have texted at all.Than your follow-up text the next day...why?

 

Also, you should've met in person if you were thinking exclusivity(though I thought it was still to early to bring up). Let her do that

 

While you end up staying over, having sex, and spent the whole day. Sometimes the short-term gain of hanging out quickly can be detrimental long term. Next time lay off the texts, slow it down some, and spread out the dates i.e. getting together

[lakerman34]

So, she came to my place and we walked to the restaurant together. She insisted that we get take-out instead of eating in because she was anxious about getting her bag packed.

 

She seemed aloof, not very emotive with her speech, giving me a half-assed hug, walking a bit of distance from me. I, however, continued acting fine being VERY careful not to ask "what's wrong" or anything of the sort.

 

We get back to her house, sit on the couch, eat, dead silence. She puts on music.

 

Then after we eat, I start cracking a couple of jokes, and she smiles in a way that she is trying to hide it, but can't. Eventually, she gives in and is warm again.

 

She packs her bag. When she's done, I ask "are you done? Good." Grab her by the waist, we make out for a while. She apologizes for being so tired.

 

She lays on her bed and says, "cuddle me." I did. We cuddled and had an hour nap.

 

We woke up and then she started joking about how I snore. I told her, "hell naw I don't." She said she'll record me one day.

 

I kiss her, we have sex, she says, "I have to be at the airport in 3 hours. Feel free to leave, stay, whatever, but I have to leave at 4AM." I tell her I'll stay until she falls asleep, she likes this.

 

When I leave, I give her a kiss, send her a text wishing her a safe flight (which she responded to).

 

My 2 issues:

1) Exclusivity conversation never came up

2) I get the feeling that she doesn't ever want to do stuff in public (she'll go to a restaurant with me, but if I asked her to, say, go out dancing with me, I feel as if she'd say 'no.') There is a grad student ball in a couple of weeks, I brought it up, she said, "yeah, my friend and I might be going. We're both wildly curious." I told her I look really good in a suit, she said, "yeah, it'd give me a good excuse to put on my high school dress." I just didn't get the vibe that she wanted to go with me.