alphamale Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 ghosting is never unacceptable. I've done it after dating someone for six months (numerous times) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I would think that if after 2 or 3 dates if I lose interest then it's perfectly fine to ghost and just not call her anymore. You're wrong, as has been pointed out multiple times. If at the conclusion of the date you are not feeling it say something. Give the other person closure. Maybe I hav defined the term ghosting wrong. If it means ignoring someone then I'm not a believer in ghosting at any stage of the relationship. Of course I wouldn't ignore anyone who calls me unless they are a telemarketer. But I don't think I need to go out of my way to make a special phone call just to say I'm no longer interested unless we're already in a serious relationship. No you don't have to go out of your way but if they call you & you know you don't want to date them, answer the call or respond to the text & say thanks but no thanks. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 You're wrong, as has been pointed out multiple times. If at the conclusion of the date you are not feeling it say something. Give the other person closure. No you don't have to go out of your way but if they call you & you know you don't want to date them, answer the call or respond to the text & say thanks but no thanks. Yeah, it's really about respect for and consideration towards someone else's time and feelings. Ghosting unfairly places one in uncertainty which is entirely unnecessary and .... inconsiderate. It is easy to communicate lack of interest by texting something simple so that person can move on quickly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 (edited) Well, on the one hand I think ghosting is unacceptable after ONE date. If s/he contacts you, then you need to let that person know what is up. If you slept with her then you need to let her know what is up too. It's about treating people with respect. On the other hand, this can be tricky to handle if you are a guy. Women tend to wait for us to set up the initiative early on. So who knows whether she is waiting to hear from you after a "decent" first date or whether she is also hoping you'll go away. It does feel presumptuous to take the initiative to contact someone just to formally announce you don't think it is a match. [if you are a woman and you don't hear back from the guy and it's only been within a few dates, then feel free to let it go yourself. It's not really ghosting if there is no communication to ignore.] Edited October 25, 2017 by Imajerk17 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 On the other hand, this can be tricky to handle if you are a guy. Women tend to wait for us to set up the initiative early on. So who knows whether she is waiting to hear from you after a "decent" first date or whether she is also hoping you'll go away. It does feel presumptuous to take the initiative to contact someone just to formally announce you don't think it is a match. [if you are a woman and you don't hear back from the guy and it's only been within a few dates, then feel free to let it go yourself. It's not really ghosting if there is no communication to ignore.] Exactly. If after a date nobody contacts anybody else, you are not required to make a special effort just to reject somebody. If you are already feeling like it ain't gonna happen after the 1st date, don't end that date by saying anything that suggests future contact will be forthcoming like "I'll call you" or "let's do this again." But if somebody calls, don't ignore them & put them in the positon where they are wondering & waiting & trying to figure out what happened. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Well, a lot of times you don't know what his happened yet. Maybe you're not 100% you want to stick a fork in it just because the first date didn't have you sold. You're actually not sure if you want to go on another date or not. Maybe you are still considering it. Maybe someone else has your attention temporarily. So what are you supposed to tell them. "I'm not sure about you, but maybe after I go explore my other options? " or just go silent for a bit and return? And sometimes it's very hard to say you aren't feeling it because it contradicts the way you acted on your date and you know this because you faked what you said/did. Like you could have told them you really liked them and were catching feelings and not meant it. Then you say "oh I don't think we're a match"? Sometimes people seem unstable or like they are gonna explode on you with rejection. I don't think it's one size fits all thing and ignoring someone(i.e. Ghosting) is sometimes for the best. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Being polite on a date is simply good manners. It doesn't mean you are faking feelings that aren't there (although some people have interpreted it that way) I will add a caveat -- after you have told somebody thanks but no thanks -- if they pester you by not taking buzz off for an answer, then you are not obligated to continue engaging with them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Being polite on a date is simply good manners. It doesn't mean you are faking feelings that aren't there (although some people have interpreted it that way) I will add a caveat -- after you have told somebody thanks but no thanks -- if they pester you by not taking buzz off for an answer, then you are not obligated to continue engaging with them. I like your line of thinking in this matter.... Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 (edited) Well, a lot of times you don't know what his happened yet. Maybe you're not 100% you want to stick a fork in it just because the first date didn't have you sold. You're actually not sure if you want to go on another date or not. Maybe you are still considering it. Maybe someone else has your attention temporarily. So what are you supposed to tell them. "I'm not sure about you, but maybe after I go explore my other options? " or just go silent for a bit and return? And sometimes it's very hard to say you aren't feeling it because it contradicts the way you acted on your date and you know this because you faked what you said/did. Like you could have told them you really liked them and were catching feelings and not meant it. Then you say "oh I don't think we're a match"? Sometimes people seem unstable or like they are gonna explode on you with rejection. I don't think it's one size fits all thing and ignoring someone(i.e. Ghosting) is sometimes for the best. Why the hell would you do that tho Well, I give you points for honesty in this thread, in that you are giving an honest snapshot as to why some people ghost. Yes indeed, people ghost when the truth is just too awkward to explain--e.g., someone else in the picture, they came on too strong and regretted it, they changed their mind. Other reasons include not being good at delivering bad news, hating any sort of confrontation, concern on how the other person will react. However @cookiesanddough, inconsiderate erratic behaviour is NOT a good thing, and this has been pointed out in many, many, of your own threads already. Edited October 25, 2017 by Imajerk17 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 yea, I hear you imajerk. Just keeping it real because what use is a community like this if no honest insight. You're 100% right that it's not something to be proud of but it's just as human as the dislike of being ignored/ghosted I think! Link to post Share on other sites
MickeyBill Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 I was ghosted after dating for 5 months. Some people are cruel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soccer1986 Posted October 25, 2017 Author Share Posted October 25, 2017 Being polite on a date is simply good manners. It doesn't mean you are faking feelings that aren't there (although some people have interpreted it that way) I will add a caveat -- after you have told somebody thanks but no thanks -- if they pester you by not taking buzz off for an answer, then you are not obligated to continue engaging with them. If they pester you then not engaging them is under-reacting since that has crossed over to illegal territory. At that point it would be time to call the police. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 If they pester you then not engaging them is under-reacting since that has crossed over to illegal territory. At that point it would be time to call the police. Pestering is not illegal. It's far less then stalking / harassment. Yes, for those over the top you can call the police but that should not be your 1st move. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
rickwman Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I believe that honesty and understanding each other's expectations are important in a relationship. If one or the other has lost interest, understanding 'why' is important. Once that is established then the relationship can continue or stop. Dating is a time of discovery and learning about one another. As mature individuals, both of you need to be upfront and honest with each other so there is no secrets or ill will formed against each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Valerie Castro Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 Yea I agree. Its rude and leaves the person confused. Some people need more closure than others. Sometimes people just need to know it wasn't anything they did, they just weren't for you and it was not something that would have worked at the time. And don't say something like "sorry not ready for a relationship" because thats just like ghosting. You go on a date or two then suddenly you don't want to see the person again? Thats a lame and see through excuse. Im not saying that is what you do or are going to do, but if you are thinking about doing it, don't lol. Just tell her you enjoyed her company but didnt have as much chemistry as you had hoped and wish her luck. Don't be afraid to be honest, but also don't be a d--k about it. To be left wondering is the worst. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I would think that if after 2 or 3 dates if I lose interest then it's perfectly fine to ghost and just not call her anymore. I don't need to explain to her the reason for my losing interest as she probably won't care since she has never asked me to be the boyfriend. In the preliminary stages of dating when she hasn't given strong signals that she wants to be my girlfriend an explanation isn't necessary. If we are boyfriend and girlfriend then going to her house to break things off with an explanation is more appropriate. I do not think there is ever a moment or time or place where ghosting is acceptable. It is a cowardly way of dismissing someone. You never know what it may do to another person --- having been ghosted before, I can tell you, it sucks and it hurts. Especially if you liked the other person and can't explain to yourself how the heck this happened. It leaves a terribly sour taste in your mouth, it just makes you also feel much less appreciated, sometimes even worthless. I think if you decide you do not want to see someone again, you should have the decency and manliness to at least tell her so, in a kind way. Also, if you expect a woman to ask you to be her boyfriend after 2 or 3 dates, then I really want to know what kind of world you live in. How old are you, 12? Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 After 2-3 dates she's into me? Not necessarily. She could be and is more likely than not accepting dates from other guys too so she can play the field and weigh her options about which guy is most compatible with her. Until she makes mention about wanting to be exclusive with me then it would be a huge error on my part to presume that we are already exclusive after 2-3 dates. It's better to assume she is still exploring other options in the preliminary stages and if I lose interest and just don't call her anymore it's not a big deal because she has other options to explore. I never assume a woman is putting all her eggs in one basket with me until she tells me directly she wants to be exclusive. I also have the right to explore other options with other women if I want to. Going out on 3 dates doesn't mean I have to be tied down to just her unless she has clearly communicated that she wants to be exclusive. Now if after the 3rd date she calls me and I'm not interested then sure I will tell her I'm not looking to go on any further dates with her but I won't make a special phone call just to tell her that. You are making a lot of assumptions. You realize you sound a bit ridiculous? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soccer1986 Posted October 26, 2017 Author Share Posted October 26, 2017 You are making a lot of assumptions. You realize you sound a bit ridiculous? No I'm making an argument from silence. If I'm going out on a date and she has not said anything about wanting to be exclusive with me then it is a reasonable assumption that we are not exclusive and therefore I don't owe her as much of an explanation for my actions as I would if it was already established that I'm her boyfriend. I don't think it's ridiculous at all. Where there is silence from her end about where I stand with her I never want to assume she's not seeing other guys on the side. She would have no obligation to tell me about it unless I have brought up an interest in being exclusive with her. (Which I wouldn't because I believe it's the woman's place to ask for exclusivity if that's what she wants). Until she asks me for exclusivity then I'm free to do whatever I want to do with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 No I'm making an argument from silence. If I'm going out on a date and she has not said anything about wanting to be exclusive with me then it is a reasonable assumption that we are not exclusive and therefore I don't owe her as much of an explanation for my actions as I would if it was already established that I'm her boyfriend. I don't think it's ridiculous at all. Where there is silence from her end about where I stand with her I never want to assume she's not seeing other guys on the side. She would have no obligation to tell me about it unless I have brought up an interest in being exclusive with her. (Which I wouldn't because I believe it's the woman's place to ask for exclusivity if that's what she wants). Until she asks me for exclusivity then I'm free to do whatever I want to do with my life. More ridiculous banter. I am sorry but I really do not understand the entitlement you have. Where do men get this sort of entitlement? Who taught you this crapola? Link to post Share on other sites
Fair Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 I would think that if after 2 or 3 dates if I lose interest then it's perfectly fine to ghost and just not call her anymore. I don't need to explain to her the reason for my losing interest as she probably won't care since she has never asked me to be the boyfriend. In the preliminary stages of dating when she hasn't given strong signals that she wants to be my girlfriend an explanation isn't necessary. If we are boyfriend and girlfriend then going to her house to break things off with an explanation is more appropriate. This is so unnecessary and cruel. Don't "ghost". Be a better person than that. Tell her you're not interested and move on... just because you don't know her well yet is no reason to be an ass. The attitude that you're not obligated to be considerate to people who haven't become a significant part of your life is wrong. They're still human and should be afforded some respect just for that... good gawd I don't know what's wrong with people these days! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 26, 2017 Share Posted October 26, 2017 (edited) I wonder if this is an actual situation you are in after dating a girl for some time or just hypotheticals. You may find if you start dating you don't really have to worry about these things at all. You may find she absolutely does not want to be your gf at all and all this worry is for naught Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Author Soccer1986 Posted October 27, 2017 Author Share Posted October 27, 2017 More ridiculous banter. I am sorry but I really do not understand the entitlement you have. Where do men get this sort of entitlement? Who taught you this crapola? I don't understand what you mean by entitlement. You have to be more specific in your post instead of responding with generalities. The bottom line is I'm free to do what I want with my life and I'm not accountable to anyone until a woman asks me for exclusivity. Believe me I'm not in a hurry to tie myself down and give up my freedom to any woman which is why I won't be the one asking for a promotion to boyfriend title. I leave the ball in her court. Link to post Share on other sites
Lattes4Days Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I came to this post late and haven't read any replies, but ghosting is never acceptable because it is immature behavior. I used to ghost all the time on people I was dating - but then I grew up. I realized people had, you know, feelings...and they deserved a response. No, I didn't HAVE to give them an explanation, but being a more emotionally mature woman, I chose to. Its really not that difficult to send someone a text and say, "Listen you're an awesome person but I don't think we had enough chemistry. Good luck on your search." or something like that. Its honestly better than the barrage of texts the person would end up sending you, or the phone calls that you'd have to ignore for days after. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 (edited) I would truly prefer to be ghosted before being ripped into about all the flaws which prevent this person from wanting to continue dating me, or worse yet, fed some cliche line like "We're just not a match"... Unless there is some serious (explicit) emotional involvement I don't even consider it "ghosting". It's just people going their own way as they feel entitled to do as much as some people feel entitled to an explanation or official letter of denial. So Golden Rule.. Edited October 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I think ghosting in unacceptable after any date. Just tell her that you don't think it's going to work out and wish her well. It's the mature and responsible thing to do. Yep Stop ghosting people. Just tell him/her it's not going to work 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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