QuestioningMind Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Matched with a girl via online dating, messaged back and forth, and decided to meet up within the next couple of days. Great conversation over dinner, and even better conversation as we decided to take a walk after. She's really easy going and we can chat about almost everything. In short, we've been on 5 dates (I ended up staying over on the 5th date) in about 10 days. I've never gone on so many dates with someone in such a short amount of time, and neither have my friends. I've heard that most people usually meet with the person they're talking to / seeing about once a week. I'm not complaining at this frequency as I feel comfortable (is that a terrible word to use?) about it and enjoy how things are progressing. I've paid for almost everything on each of the dates. There were times where she's offered or even paid: On our second date, we went to play some games (where I paid), then we headed to a bar where she got me a drink, followed by us going to get dinner where she offered to split (but I ended up just paying). She offered to pay for dinner on the third date, but I decided to pay (and she said she'd get me a beer at the next place..which she did!). She hasn't offered to pay for anything else after those times. I don't want to seem too calculative and petty about it, but when is it "okay" for me to sit back and have her pay? Or how should I "ask" for her to pay? As a guy, it's known that we should pay on the dates, but let's be real and acknowledge that it gets expensive. I don't mind paying for things, but it'd be nice if she offers (and is willing) to pay.
Gaeta Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 She offered to pay 3 times and you declined each of them, why did you do that if you like a lady to share the expense? If a man refuses my offer to pay 3 times I'd get the hint he doesn't want me to pay and I'd stop offering. Who's idea was it to have 5 dates in 10 days? 15
knabe Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 She offered to pay 3 times and you declined each of them, why did you do that if you like a lady to share the expense? If a man refuses my offer to pay 3 times I'd get the hint he doesn't want me to pay and I'd stop offering. Who's idea was it to have 5 dates in 10 days? If you decline the offer, you don't get to complain. This "game" of declining to see if they insist is infantile, yet many men seem to do it. These same men say they hate it when a women "tests" them. If you want her to pay, LET her when she offers. 8
kiss_andmakeup Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 She offered to pay 3 times and you declined each of them, why did you do that if you like a lady to share the expense? If a man refuses my offer to pay 3 times I'd get the hint he doesn't want me to pay and I'd stop offering. x2. You're sending some seriously mixed messages, OP. I'm someone who has always offered to pay my share (or the full tab if the guy got the last date). But if a guy had turned down multiple offers in a row, I'd start to get the impression that he's one of those guys who always likes to pick up the tab, so I'd probably stop offering for a while. I would absolutely not ask her to pay for anything at this point. It'll come across as immature at best, and game-playing at worst. Wait for her to offer again, and when she does, accept it instead of turning her down. 7
newmoon Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 try finding some free activities, lots of those around 2
Author QuestioningMind Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 Gaeta, knabe, kiss, new - Thanks for your responses. Yes, I should've just taken her offers and let her pay. It's a little too late to go back and do that now. Going forward, I'll just see how things play out and let her pay if she does offer again. Don't get it twisted though. I didn't mind paying when she offered and I'm not mad about picking up the tab. Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay".
Gaeta Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Don't get it twisted though. I didn't mind paying when she offered and I'm not mad about picking up the tab. Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay". Depends on women and so many factors as age, culture, financial means, etc. When I offer to pay I am being sincere in my wish to participate. Personally I do not value myself by the amount of money a man spends on me. Some women do. You may want to stir away from them. 4
Els Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay". Doesn't matter if that's what she "really" wants. You should just do what you want to do (be it to pay or split), and let that be your filter for a compatible partner. It's an absolutely terrible idea to insist on doing something that you don't really want to just because you're "afraid of what they'll think" and then hold it against them when they let you do the very thing you insisted on doing! 3
Cobra_X Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Gaeta, knabe, kiss, new - Thanks for your responses. Yes, I should've just taken her offers and let her pay. It's a little too late to go back and do that now. Going forward, I'll just see how things play out and let her pay if she does offer again. Don't get it twisted though. I didn't mind paying when she offered and I'm not mad about picking up the tab. Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay". Is there sex involved yet?
knabe Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Gaeta, knabe, kiss, new - Thanks for your responses. Yes, I should've just taken her offers and let her pay. It's a little too late to go back and do that now. Going forward, I'll just see how things play out and let her pay if she does offer again. Don't get it twisted though. I didn't mind paying when she offered and I'm not mad about picking up the tab. Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay". In that case, shame on her. She shouldn't offer if she didn't mean it. See...instead of trying to suss out some deep dark motive OTHER than what someone said, take people's words at face value. Why is this hard for the modern dating generation? 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Don't get it twisted though. I didn't mind paying when she offered and I'm not mad about picking up the tab. Just a thought: Don't some women offer to pay (just to be nice), but really aren't willing to? One of my good friend's SO mentioned that to me that she offered to pay, but really didn't want to. Her thought was going to be "Wow, he actually made me pay". OP, I ended up marrying my ex who had that attitude! She stopped dating me for a while b/c she didn't think a man should 'allow' a woman to pay for anything even though she had offered. She admitted that she was testing me. Ha. I persisted and got her changing her ways, but, alas, it was not meant to be. Anyway, I am traditional and will pay, but I also don't go out of my way to arrange dates that will be expensive or even costly. Hikes, simple coffee, an event after dinner time or not around any meal time is what I try to arrange. When things get more serious then the more steady meals and non-free events become more of an option. Yeah, let her offer again, but she may be hesitant thinking that you prefer a more traditional arrangement. She certainly didn't do anything wrong. 1
smackie9 Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 This woman offered to pay 3 times....that isn't her just being nice. Next time let her pay. I'm sure she will offer next time. 3
Author QuestioningMind Posted October 24, 2017 Author Posted October 24, 2017 Thanks for the responses, everyone. A little background: I'm 28 and she's 30. We both have successful jobs that allow us to live in a great city and to go out and enjoy activities, meals, drinks, etc. She does seem genuine when we converse, so I don't think she has any ulterior motive when offering to pay / split. Maybe it's ingrained in my (and probably most men's) thinking that we are to pay on dates because it's 'chivalrous'? Cobra - Yes, we've gotten intimate as I slept over her place on the 5th date. What does having sex vs not having sex have anything to do with paying on dates? 1
Robert Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 A couple posts have been deleted. This thread is specific to the threadstarter’s situation. For general “who pays for dates” comments, please post in our consolidated discussion: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/525895-new-consolidated-paying-dates-thread ~6
TheWoman Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 As mentioned you have been confusing. Some guys really dont like women paying, some want to split everything. Just be super clear about it. I like to pay when I have chosen the venue, I get annoyed having to pay when I had no say in where we go. So perhaps say to her, where would you like to take me out to dinner for our next date? And make sure you sit back at bill time.
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Short answer: whoever does the asking does the paying. Most women will offer & no it's not a test to see if the guy declines. Since you rejected her offers 3x, if she doesn't offer next time you can say "since I paid the last few times do you want to get this one?" 1
Cobra_X Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 Thanks for the responses, everyone. A little background: I'm 28 and she's 30. We both have successful jobs that allow us to live in a great city and to go out and enjoy activities, meals, drinks, etc. She does seem genuine when we converse, so I don't think she has any ulterior motive when offering to pay / split. Maybe it's ingrained in my (and probably most men's) thinking that we are to pay on dates because it's 'chivalrous'? Cobra - Yes, we've gotten intimate as I slept over her place on the 5th date. What does having sex vs not having sex have anything to do with paying on dates? It tells me what stage you are at in dating. She is invested enough in your relationship that she should be offering to pay for stuff. If not she seems selfish and cheap to my opinion. Here is the thing. If you feel like she is treating you like a doormat... then she is treating you like a doormat. Standing up to her shows your strength. She isn't going to read your mind here, and she will likely respect you more for being honest. Don't keep paying for stuff and then resenting it. Tell her up front that tonight she is buying! She likely won't care or complain.
No_Go Posted October 24, 2017 Posted October 24, 2017 I've been in your position. My last BF just decided it's ok to let me pay for both of us every f*cking time in the beginning because I'd always offer (and if I offer, I don't do halves, I pay for both). He was older than me and making more than me. I am a natural giver but after a few months of this, resenting started to build up. Was he responsible? Possibly not, because I offered. I suggest you talk to her sooner than later. In my case, when I spoke to him, he changed, but the resentment was already there. Matched with a girl via online dating, messaged back and forth, and decided to meet up within the next couple of days. Great conversation over dinner, and even better conversation as we decided to take a walk after. She's really easy going and we can chat about almost everything. In short, we've been on 5 dates (I ended up staying over on the 5th date) in about 10 days. I've never gone on so many dates with someone in such a short amount of time, and neither have my friends. I've heard that most people usually meet with the person they're talking to / seeing about once a week. I'm not complaining at this frequency as I feel comfortable (is that a terrible word to use?) about it and enjoy how things are progressing. I've paid for almost everything on each of the dates. There were times where she's offered or even paid: On our second date, we went to play some games (where I paid), then we headed to a bar where she got me a drink, followed by us going to get dinner where she offered to split (but I ended up just paying). She offered to pay for dinner on the third date, but I decided to pay (and she said she'd get me a beer at the next place..which she did!). She hasn't offered to pay for anything else after those times. I don't want to seem too calculative and petty about it, but when is it "okay" for me to sit back and have her pay? Or how should I "ask" for her to pay? As a guy, it's known that we should pay on the dates, but let's be real and acknowledge that it gets expensive. I don't mind paying for things, but it'd be nice if she offers (and is willing) to pay.
GemmaUK Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 She offered to pay three times, you missed the boat so either you can not communicate and carry on paying until she offers or you can communicate what you have here and suggest she pay next time. I wouldn't stick around long with a guy who refused to let me pay my share. I want to date an equal and someone who can communicate with me. 2
minou23 Posted October 25, 2017 Posted October 25, 2017 I agree with the first couple of posts. My ex refused to let me pay so I eventually stopped offering because I felt rude when I did. But I have NEVER offered to pay when I didn’t want to. She can offer to pay for herself and that’s one thing but if she offers to pay for both or the total then she probably genuinely wants to do something nice for you. Since you denied letting her pay just wait till she offers again. Or you can pretend you left your wallet at home
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