Author Undercoverirish Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 You want, you think , you feel .... You have a CHILD!!! One who is primarily cared for by your husband as You built a career!! Oh, but you don't need child care now .... Well I hope HE gets the child as HE seems to be the parent. Sorry but welcome to reality!! And your sweet child probably doesn't really care what daddy forgot on vacation, only that daddy is there !!! That might be true but she isn't married to him!! He'll always be her daddy regardless, it doesn't mean I want to be with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undercoverirish Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 Out of curiosity, did you EVER spend even one full day looking after your child alone, when she was a baby? You sound like someone who has never taken care of a baby or toddler before and have zero idea how much work it entails. Staying at home with your baby or toddler is NOT a walk in the park! I have been in both situations (not my baby, a relative needed help 1 day) and working is easier, 100% hands down. You sounds extremely dismissive of your husband's sacrifices; I feel very sorry for him and your child. Yes I have. For one, I was off for 8 weeks with her after I have birth. I know looking after a hold is incredibly difficult and going out to work for me is much easier. What sacrifices has my husband made exactly...?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undercoverirish Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 My rant is the ability for parents, any parent to be all about themselves and the child is an after thought. We know SHE makes more money , SHE packs She she she she ... My point is SHE appears to be all about herself and not much mention of her child. It seems to be an indication of where SHE is. Children don't care who makes more money, who has more ambition, who is depressed, if parents stay home all the time or not, they care about who greets them at the end of the day, who spends time, who thinks they are more important than climbing a ladder, they need to be made a priority. I never said stay at home parents are better than those that work but SHE has decided that the man who appears to be the same as he has always been suddenly isn't cutting it and SHE is ready to throw in the towel. I say go for it, but leave your child out of it. They don't deserve her. Oh and wait, SHE. Had feeling for a co-worker but that's over now... Rant over! I really disagree with this. There is no reason why having children should stop you from being able to focus on your career. She knows I love her, the time I spend with her is quality time, just because I might not pick her up from school every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undercoverirish Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 That's a good point - when a call from school comes in - which parent leaves work to get the child...you or your husband? We've only had that happen once and it was me. I work from home so now she's a bit older, she's able to sit and watch to etc while I work in the background. And she comes and draws little pictures for me every now and again. Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week. Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day??? My daughters schedule: School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours) Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm Sleeping 7pm-6:30am Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 That might be true but she isn't married to him!! He'll always be her daddy regardless, it doesn't mean I want to be with him. Then divorce him. Do him this gift and let him be free from a wife who doesn't love, honor and respect him. You seem consumed with your feelings instead of others - so let him be free! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 (edited) We've only had that happen once and it was me. I work from home so now she's a bit older, she's able to sit and watch to etc while I work in the background. And she comes and draws little pictures for me every now and again. Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week. Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day??? My daughters schedule: School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours) Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm Sleeping 7pm-6:30am Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family. You may have been happy with putting your child in daycare but you are not a single mom. Such decisions are not made unilaterally when there are two parents in the home. I agree that there's nothing wrong with having a career and family. However, the way you focus purely on your own needs as well as lack appreciation for your husband's childcare is disturbing. Marriage and children are not for people who choose to think of themselves all the time. Based on what you have posted, I have an inkling that if you met a man whom you felt was your equal, eventually you would complain about other aspects of his character. It would be best for you to divorce your husband and stay single for at least a year so that you could work on yourself. Edited October 28, 2017 by BettyDraper 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Do an exercise. Think and do for your husband for six months. Treat him like a king. YOU pack the bags for any vacation. You pick up all the slack for his deficiencies. Think and do for others. Then report back how your behavior changes your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Do an exercise. Think and do for your husband for six months. Treat him like a king. YOU pack the bags for any vacation. You pick up all the slack for his deficiencies. Think and do for others. Then report back how your behavior changes your marriage. That's a good plan. Your thoughts often create your reality. Focus on your husbands deficiencies and bemoan how unhappy you are in your marriage... and, you will be unhappy. Guaranteed. Treat your husband with love and affection, and it will be returned to you... then, see how you feel about your marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Hi Undercoverirish, I do not know what you are hoping to gain by staying and answering questions which you obviously think are unwarranted or not relevant to your context. It seems to me that you have decided on divorcing your husband. If that be the case then do you have a plan in place? Have you drawn up a timeline by when you want to initiate divorce proceedings and by when you expect things to be over? Have you got your so called ducks in a row? To me it seems it is no more a question of 'if' but 'when'. So please let us know your plans. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of back and forth which, in the long run, is meaningless to your overall plan. Warm wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 29, 2017 Share Posted October 29, 2017 Another poster just mentioned about the sacrifice my husband made to work 4 days instead of 5. This wasn't a sacrifice for him at all and he'd have preferredd not to work at all. I would have been quite happy for her to be in childcare 5 days a week. Also, children need care for the other 16 hours of the day??? My daughters schedule: School/childcare 8am-5:30pm (9.5 hours) Dinner and bed time routine 5:30-7pm Sleeping 7pm-6:30am Breakfast/morning routine 6:30am-8am Some of you seem to think that I'm some kind of absent parent!!! I'm not, just because sometimes I have to be away for work or I have to work late on a project or a call or meeting runs past school pickup. There is nothing wrong with having a career and a family. Of course there is nothing wrong with having a career and a family - as long as you are appreciative of the extra work your partner does to allow you to do so, which you aren't. Honestly, at this point I don't think there is any further purpose in this discussion. Clearly you really want to leave your husband and are looking for every excuse in the book to do so. Nobody who has been an active parent actually believes that taking care of a young child does not take a lot of time, effort, and yes, sacrifices. Even going by the schedule you mentioned, the morning and evening routines alone are 3 hours a day, which is easily the difference between a high-paying job and a lower-paying one in and of itself. And it would have taken much more time when she was younger. Not being able to work late or go away for work would severely reduce potential opportunities as well. At any rate, there isn't any need to convince anyone else, when it is clear that you have already convinced yourself. Go ahead and divorce your husband. I just hope you will be responsible with the child support and give custody to your husband so that at least your daughter will not need to suffer for it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Undercoverirish Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Hi Undercoverirish, I do not know what you are hoping to gain by staying and answering questions which you obviously think are unwarranted or not relevant to your context. It seems to me that you have decided on divorcing your husband. If that be the case then do you have a plan in place? Have you drawn up a timeline by when you want to initiate divorce proceedings and by when you expect things to be over? Have you got your so called ducks in a row? To me it seems it is no more a question of 'if' but 'when'. So please let us know your plans. Otherwise you are going to get a lot of back and forth which, in the long run, is meaningless to your overall plan. Warm wishes. No I really don't have a plan if I'm honest. I have a tenanted property that I'm keen to sell at the start of the new year and my idea was that we would split the money from that and that would give me enough to get somewhere of my own. But I don't have a timescale. I feel like I have one foot in and one foot out - part of me still hopes things will change and that I'll settle and be happy as it's so disruptive to everyone going through separation/divorce, but I have had one foot out through the door all year. Link to post Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I am about to "lose my freedom" and join the ranks of "soceity" My fiancee and I read the forum together occasionally. Some stories are inspiring, some sad and some downright horrifying. Currently, I make more than she does, however I do have a career that I could downsize, should she wish to expand the current household. If this comes to pass and 10 years later she writes a thread like this, I told her I would calculate the difference in wages, multiply it by the number of years and sue her, adding 3x damages. Funny thing though, she appreciates that fact I would consider curtailing my rise to superstardom to raise a child, however i probably should always remember to pack the sunscreen and chips. I have not yet done the 10-20, and do not mean to make light of the situation, but we pray that before it gets to the point when we are having affairs and calling people incompetent, we decide to divorce. It may be time to figure out your timeline 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chinadiary Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I see two perspectives. 1) I know how you feel. My husband was not great and I was constantly disappointed by him. 2) I know I am overly critical. I tried not to be in my last relationship but I still was. Urgh. How to tell what is real and what isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
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