Other Woman

[Southwardbound]

I'm sorry for the position you're in, OP. Or rather, I'm sorry for the future position you will find yourself in. I'm not being sarcastic or ironic. That is a genuine statement...from experience.

 

Right now, things are going along okay. Although, *something* brought you here to LS, so you've got some niggling doubts. For me, the issue of self-respect, that struck you from a previous poster, was always big. I lost mine pretty early - and knew it and bemoaned it - but it did not drive me out of the affair soon enough. That's the problem with losing self-respect. Once it's gone, you no longer act in your best interests.

 

Your current state of happiness - the love you feel for this unavailable man - is lulling you into a state of inertia. You don't realize the train wreck that's ahead. Yes, we've all heard stories (and there are examples on this board) of women who've ended up with their MMs. But they are atypical and also had MMs who purposed to get out of their marriages. Your MM does not want to leave his marriage. You are setting yourself up for guaranteed pain and abandonment. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

The fact that his wife has already been told about you is pretty major. That will make her more keyed into his behaviors and the things he does where you are involved. She WILL eventually find evidence of your affair. It will happen. It's just a matter of WHEN.

 

Embarking on an affair is like entering a state of limbo. It's like suspended animation. You kind of stop living your real life. Things don't really progress. Life is still happening, but it's passing you by. Meanwhile, you're suspended in this false reality. It can't go up or down, back or forth. It can't go anywhere. And YOU can't really go anywhere until you make a decision to get out of it.

 

I do empathize with you. I've been there. You love him and you think it's worth it. The weird thing about affairs is...if years down the road, you still think "it was worth it" then you are probably still stuck in the affair, in some way. He can still come back and tap you now and again. It happens, people stay in affairs for years, decades even. Imagine that. The other possibility is that you come out of it with the absolute most bitter taste, because of all the pain. But at least then, you won't go back. You'll be free.

 

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Thanks SouthernSun. It's something special to hear from someone who has "been there". It resonates with me this state of "limbo" you mention. I can't agree more. It definitely feels as though everything has stopped. Which works now, I'm fairly young. But I worry if I do want to meet someone else and fall in love, am I spending too much time here? Will I miss that someone else that I should be spending my life with. I agree that something brought me here. I would say that mostly my lack of people available to discuss this with is the main reason I seeked out LS. I know of this inevitable pain to come and I think internally I look for something to click and give me desire or strength to pull out as soon as possible... even though I don't actively act on/want that. If that makes sense. I told MM tonight that I joined this forum. He says he wishes I didn't feel the need but ultimately understands there are parts of it we don't talk about to not cause waves between us. And it is true, because of the lack of self-respect, I do not act in my best interest. I think because I'm comfortable, it's the "devil you know" type of thing. Good words here. Thank you.

 

Something you should consider - although I don't know if it applies to you?

You said you are still 'fairly young," do you have children? Or wish to have children? If you haven't had or wish to have children, then I think being in an long term affair would not be good for you. Since it puts a damper on that, unless your ok with being a single parent?

 

Southern Sun - you mentioned the notion of 'respect,' and it got me thinking... my mm is always telling me, 'he's not a good man.' And I just had an epiphany as to why, because of what you said. He is telling me, he no longer sees himself as a good man because he's broke his martial boundaries, and in doing so, is living a lie, ... by lying to himself & her by not being honest. I think the next time he tells me that line, I'm going to tell him that. One of the reasons, why I come to this site is for clarity in my own situation. So, I want to say thank you.

[l8estnews]

Okay, as much as possible, I avoid replying to these kinds of threads anymore since it really resonates to me very deep, but I really felt your desperate need for a response, and apparently, I also have some words that I wanna say so here we go.

 

DISCLAIMER: I don't hate you, I am not putting you down, just hear me out.

"Other Women/Other Men needs a SAFE PLACE to talk"

 

A lot of Other Women/Other Men like you really look for a "safe place" where they won't be judged, mocked, ridiculed and what not. And yes, there aren't many places to be. Why? Because, let's be honest, what you really are doing is really judge-able.

 

Facts:

 

1.) You are in a relationship with a Married Man

2.) You are aware that this is wrong.

3.) You feel guilt, conscience is knocking to your heart and mind, and yet YOU ignore these.

4.) You don't want to end this.

 

Now, be honest, if you are in your friends' place, and you hear a friend of yours doing the said things above, as your first initial reaction, will you really not judge her?

 

If you are looking for a place where people won't judge what you are doing, will not disagree with you, try to convince you OUT of this relationship, then you will never find it anywhere. But if you are looking for a place where you will not hear any negative terms/bash you or anything, then this is the place for you.

 

"I truly think support doesn't necessarily mean condoning the behavior"

 

Other Women/Other Men seeks a safe place to talk about their infidelities. But like you, many are not willing to stop. Like the posters above, the main questions are:

 

1.) What's your long-term goal?

2.) What is it that you're seeking that makes you desperate/ really want to talk about this part of your life?

 

Because, honestly, I believe Other WOmen/Other Men in your situation is looking for a "Safe Place" where the term means "a place where someone will understand" which further means "someone that sympathizes" and which FURTHER means "where someone will condone." You said that Support doesn't usually need to mean condone but if it doesn't, then you are taking away the very essence of the word, "SUPPORT" To SUpport someone, means to Condone.

 

1.) I will support our president

2.) I support Gay Marriage

3.) I support Vegan movement.

 

Do you think the statement "I don't believe in the works of our President, and I hate what he's doing in our country, but I support him" makes sense?

I'm not entirely sure why I needed to share this with someone. Any other women out there with advice or shared experiences?

 

Reflect on yourself truly. Because no matter how you change your wording, the essence of what you are saying really boils down to "I am looking for someone to agree with me, to say that what I am doing is okay and I can continue this. You are looking for validation. Confirmation. And it's really sad.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[misspalmy]

most of us did the same as the wife fell for the same man, just we went about it wrong. so we all get judge when the cheating guy gets off. well in my case his wife took him back, he got me pregnant we have a son.

 

wish i didnt have to deal with him:(

[jillyberry]

hello, thank you for sharing. i'm in the exact same situation as you, and I too, have told him before that I don't expect him to leave his wife and his 2 kids. but sometimes, it hurts so much when i'm alone, and i think about my future, and yet, i can't talk to any of my friends.

[Doublegold]

There is another site I found. It doesn’t allow persons who aren’t considered OW/OM to be in the forum for the very reason I tend to just lurk on here anymore. They screen and moderate very well.

 

If you are looking for those who have been in your situation or are currently there, it’s a great site. I’ve seen too many OW/OM get beat up by those who want to apply their situation to people here instead of venting frustrations on their own board.

 

Don’t know if I’m allowed to mention site though. OWOM feel bad enough as it is they don’t need some of the things they get here.

I thought this was the only one for almost a year.[/quote

 

 

Ditto. There is "True Support" out there if you look for it OP.

[Vivir]

Hi somethingelse,

 

In her post, wmacbride told the story of an OW who wrote a (unsent?) letter to the betrayed wife. With this, the OW gained a massive amount of clarity. I journal, too, like another member mentioned, and would recommend that you consider it simply to get to the bottom of your comfortable vs. uncomfortable feelings. It may help you to determine which you are actually more comfortable living with long-term.

 

You are not ready to end it yet, as you stated. At least you are aware of this. I was not ready to leave for a long time, although my affair did not last as long as yours has. I was so afraid of everything. I had to be very honest with myself about WHY I was so afraid. With that, I had to face A LOT within my own self before I could make the break. I knew I was hurting, and over time, that pain grew to be so great that I couldn't ignore it anymore. I wasn't the woman I used to be at all, and that reflected in my overall demeanor - and in my relationship with him.

 

For me, it had to end and went something like this:

• I knew I wanted more.
  I was afraid to upset him.
  I was afraid of losing the attention and affection he showered upon me.
  I was afraid of losing the consistent sex and returning to abstinence.
  I was afraid that I wouldn't stay away from him, for this reason, I refuse to see him in person.
  I was - and still am today - afraid that no one else will want me.
  I am still afraid today that I will not desire anyone else the way I desired him.
  I have to fight feelings of unworthiness because I am a fOW.
  

 

Facing my fears has been the most difficult part of ending my affair with xMM. I worried for so long about his feelings (worrying about his feelings acted as a mask for me not to worry about my own), to the detriment of my own, but in the end I realized I cannot be responsible for his feelings, his wants, etc. He has a wife for that. I only have myself.

 

That doesn't mean I don't think of him. Sometimes, I still feel like I love him. I am still not interested in pursuing a relationship at the moment, and my sex drive is quite low. I actually think my desire for him was what was revving it up Sometimes, I am so sad that I kicked him out of my life. I actually experience an abysmal feeling when I think of never seeing or speaking with him again. I wonder what he is doing and how he is doing and what his life must be like. I imagine he will still be there, married to her, with a full and interesting family life 20 years into the future. Most of the time, though, I am angry. And afraid. What if I have done him wrong? I honestly feel that I did what was best for all of us given the circumstances - No Contact.

 

I, too, needed to share, to talk it out, to get a slap in the face, to get some comfort even though I was wrong, etc. I did tell some of my friends - men and women. I even lost a friend... I actually didn't care how they took it; I was desperate for some kind of help or compassion or understanding - something! Now, they know I am human and capable of unspeakable acts; I had always been though. I regret that sometimes... that these people know "my business" but you live and you learn.

 

After everything, I am not a trusting person, but I have come away with more love and compassion for ME. and hope for me.

 

I wish you clarity on this journey, and hope that you will make the best decision for YOU in time.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Vivir

[seren]

I am not, or never will be an OW, but, I was the friend of a wonderful woman who was the OW for 15 long years. They were known as a couple to all her friends and family. It was thought that he was staying with his wife to care for her, the plan my friend and he had was that when he retired they would be together, then he became a grandad and the time scale stretched, she accepted it as she believed they had something special and worth waiting for. Then she stepped up the pace and began looking for houses for them, she followed him one weekend to his father's home thinking to offer support and he made her stay in a B&B where no one could see her.

 

This went on and on and on and still she made excuses as to why he couldn't set a firm date when they could be together openly. I listened while she made her castles in the air, it all sounded perfect except for the sticking point. He was still married, still living at home, supposedly in the spare room, supposedly his wife had terminal kidney problems, the usual excuses. he let her down at some of her most major life events including the funeral of her baby grandson. I watched her become insecure when he started to not answer their phone or not turn up. I saw him one day with his wife, they were arm in arm and when I 'bumped' into them and said I hoped she was feeling better she looked at me confused and said she was fine and that they had just booked their dream cruise for their anniversary. Not the picture he had painted nor the one my friend had in her head. This man was going nowhere.

 

He just went out of her life and she was devastated. In the end my brave, beautiful friend took her life. He didn't even go to her funeral.

 

My point is this, if you are happy with things and if you have a plan that suits you then only you can decide what is going to be right and sit well with you. if you have any doubts then have a proper what next conversation. Don't assume his wife knows or is in denial. I know it might not make sense, but most BS don't have a clue there is a problem as the WS still comes home, still sleeps and makes love, still does what they have always done, if they didn't far more would be discovered than there are.

 

I see so many women and men on these boards who are waiting and who believe and who end up let down. No one should ever be hidden and no one should ever be an extra, if the person you make centre stage doesn't do that for you, then there is something wrong.

Some A's turn out with the OW and WS together, but most don't and someone is always hurt. Don't make that person you.