My wife is jealous of my friend

[Whoknew30]

Red Fangs -

 

You've avoided the question over and over and over. Is it ok for your wife to text and call and make lunch dates, work out with, have inside jokes with and purposely exclude you when she's with a guy friend of yours?

 

You are in an EA. You don't want to hear it. You've gotten annoyed when it's been said here. But it doesn't make it any less true.

 

And having one poster here say that your W is to blame? That's absolutely ridiculous. You came here only looking for us to agree with you. Yet you get 95% ppl yelling you your doing wrong, and one oddball saying "Go for it! Do you! Your wife is burdening you!", and that's the one you say, "I think you're right, thanks!" to.

 

Well then why come here? Why not just ask Linda about it? I'm sure she'll tell you that you're 100% right.

 

Why didn’t wife speak to Linda about it? Why isn’t anyone asking, if wife $ Linda we’re such great friends, why not speak to her?

 

Well no, let’s say “right” to the logic “it’s ok when I’m insecure, to act irrational, emotionally bully my spouse, that was being open & honest with me, after I continued to invite the woman I don’t want him to hang out with, over for dinner”...instead of sitting them both down & having a conversation.

 

I’ve already said he shouldn’t have lied about further communication...but I think it’s extremely bazaar that most spouses think that insecurity gives the right to emotionally bully a spouse & violate their privacy...& not only is this thread saying that’s ok but you should deal with it & suck up too.

 

If that logic is what most think is healthy logic...no wonder the divorce rate is as high as it is...bc cheating is not the main cause of divorce.

 

This is a perfect example that bring fully transparent, does no good if your going to get attacked for it. It’s amazing that any spouse would think that behaving this way wouldn’t make a spouse never want to have open & honest communication again.

[eye of the storm]

I was friends from work with a guy. When we started to become better friends his W made a point to be friendly with me. I am still very close to him. We are still great friends. We chat and text all the time. And I chat and text with her too. Neither he nor I hide our friendship. We don't have to. Because that is all there is.

 

 

He crashed at my house once. I texted her to let her know he was on my couch. Why? because she is my friend and I am not going to do anything to damage either my friendship with her or their marriage.

 

 

Both you and Linda are trying to damage your marriage.

 

 

If you and Linda are just friends, why can't you tell her that your wife is upset. Isn't she and Linda friends?

 

 

You have already past the point of no return on this "friendship". You wife will always be supersensitive about Linda. You need to cut it off now.

 

 

Your wife isn't telling you "you can't be friends with women". She is telling you "you can't be friends with Linda". Linda is a threat to your marriage.

 

 

You have a choice, reassure your W, or reassure Linda. Who is more important to you?

[waterwoman]

"And you found that you also wanted to be friends with Linda – Why did your wife get excluded? Why the private texts, why the private meet ups?"

 

That is the nub of the matter.

 

I think you are being very unfair to your wife. Why does she get to be called names because your actions are making her feel insecure. If this is the first time this has happened you should perhaps ask yourself why.

[MrsSimpf]

I don't think a lot of diplomacy is possible in this response--I think being direct is important in my words. Your wife isn't jealous of your friend; she is jealous and concerned about your friendship with HER friend, the effect on her marriage, how you're not acting like her spouse and best friend but spending time outside the family with someone else (female or male!). First--regardless of friend or not, you're married to Cassy and you say love your family. As a result, it's inappropriate and inconsiderate, where your marriage should come first first, to have a friendship with another woman (or man!) with whom you are texting or doing out-of-work social activities during hours that should be devoted to your family and wife. You admitted that are now lying to her about your whereabouts, breaking that important trust and respect in marriage. Without behaving with trust and respect, your role has a husband and father is diminished. You're choosing Linda and that relationship over your wife AND family time with your children. As a result, you are not treasuring your wife or your family by having tennis dates or otherwise with her (or even if it were constantly with another male friend.). I pray that you will re-evaluate your commitment to your wife and family and make the right decisions. May I also say shame on Linda as a friend of your wife? She's pretty much broken all girl code in that department, too. I pray you will return to your family emotionally and physically.

[MrsSimpf]

How awful of you to say that your wife pushed you into lying. Own the choice to betray her; do not blame her.

[Globug]

You are my DH & I am your wife.

 

 

My DH & I have been together 20 years and this ha happened twice in the course of our marriage. Call it women's intuition because it was NEVER about me not trusting my DH or thinking he was attracted to the other person. It was just me getting a bad feeling about the situation & both times I have been right & after the fact my DH has came to me & told me he realized why I was feeling the way I did but at the time he was offended, mad, and thought I was crazy.

 

 

In 20 years he has had a lot of friends that were girls but these two incidents I had bad feelings about.

 

 

One of them eventually the woman hit on him. It took a long time. They were "friends" for a year before she finally made the leap. She was kind, sweet, as nice to be to me as well but eventually she propositioned herself to my DH & it opened his eyes & he ran the other way & thankfully ended the friendship immediately.

 

 

The other one was a good friend of mine too. I was her friend & my DH was her significant other good friend. When her SO was killed my DH bonded with her over the loss & wanted to be very involved in the child life she had with my DH friend. At first I was very happy that my DH had someone that he felt got what he was feeling but then I realized he was ONLY going to her about these feelings and completely shutting me out & refusing to talk about his feelings to me. He told me it was because he did not want to appear weak in my eyes & & I did not love his friend like he & her did. Regardless the reasoning (& I 100% believe there was no attraction there) the fact of the matter was another woman was meeting a need of my DH that he did not need to be getting from another woman.

 

 

I was VERY lucky that this girl truly was/is a DEAR friend of mine & it started making her uncomfortable & she shut it down eventually. It took awhile buy my DH saw that while he was not physically attracted to her he was wanting to be there for her emotionally because of the loss of his friend & that is just a slippery slope.

 

 

There are a lot of great men out there that have NO intention on starting an affair but it slowly happens. The easiest way for a man to be snared is to feel "needed" by another woman. It is just in their DNA to want to protect. You already stated that you felt bad pulling away when she was going through a bad time. Why are you her go to person for that? If your wife & her are friends why is your wife not that person to her?

 

 

You hiding & deleting text & when you are with her keeps putting you more on dangerous ground.

 

 

My advice to you would to do the following if you want to honor your wife.

 

 

1. The things you do with Linda always have your wife a long or invite her. If she cannot go ask her if she minds & if she does then just tell Linda you & your wife are unavailable.

 

 

2. Include your wife in all text between you & Linda. If it is all innocent, and they were friends first and still are there are no reason why she cannot be included.

 

 

3. Tell your wife of your deception & why you did it. I promise you Linda will eventually let her know & it is never ok to keep a secret with another woman.

 

 

4. If Linda ask for advice, help, etc..... defer her to your wife. "Let me ask Casey, she is good with that stuff." Or "Well you could do x,y,z have you asked Casey what she thought.

 

 

And bottom line you don't have to ghost Linda or avoid her or throw your wife under the bus. All you have to say is you realize that having such a close friendship with someone of the obvious sex is disrespectful to your wife & marriage & you value your friendship but feel like it should be a friendship where your wife is included. Not one on one.

 

 

I hope you do not take my post as me tearing you down. I do think you love your wife & I do think this friendship is innocent RIGHT NOW.... but I can see you being on a slippery slope you do not even realize you are on.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Globug

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, after reading all the posts on here I am reminded of that old Country and Western song " Tennessee Waltz". I think the result in this case will be the same as what the song was all about. I get the feeling that everything most people here are telling him is something he doesn't want to hear and so he is shutting it out. I get a sense of gloom and doom.

[Globug]

I went back & re-read your post. You said ". I just can't understand where all of this jealousy and insecurity are coming from, she has never acted like this before and is seriously beginning to make me grow tired"

 

 

Then in another post you say she is very insecure & you are always having to lift her up. Is she very insecure or is it just the past few months since you got close to Linda.

 

 

You want your wife to trust you but do you trust your wife. She has a bad feeling. She cannot put her finger on it. Trust her instincts on this one.

[elaine567]

Hi Folks, after reading all the posts on here I am reminded of that old Country and Western song " Tennessee Waltz".

 

- Connie Francis

[eye of the storm]

Its common to rewrite marital history to better excuse your behavior.

 

 

In the beginning he thought we would all be "cool man do you, shes a buzz kill" When we weren't, his wife suddenly got a lot worse.

[BMI03]

I went back & re-read your post. You said ". I just can't understand where all of this jealousy and insecurity are coming from, she has never acted like this before and is seriously beginning to make me grow tired"

 

 

Then in another post you say she is very insecure & you are always having to lift her up. Is she very insecure or is it just the past few months since you got close to Linda.

 

 

You want your wife to trust you but do you trust your wife. She has a bad feeling. She cannot put her finger on it. Trust her instincts on this one.

 

Exactly.

 

This is the result when someone comes in looking for an echo chamber to justify the conclusion they already landed on. Of all the great advice he focuses on the one individual projecting her own relationship issues overtop of his. Which, on a side point, doesn't hold much water since that model led to cheating on the end. So when someone looking for validation doesn't like the answers they are getting, they change the parameters of their argument to reassert why their conclusion is still correct.

 

Only other likely outcome here is that he will come back and tell us his wife admitted she was just being insecure and needs to trust him more and all is well. Those seeking echo chambers usually also always have an itch to show others they were right all along in the end.

 

Shame, because there is a load of solid advice and early warnings being given here that would be super helpful if truly listened to.

[BMI03]

Apologies. My last post wasn't overly helpful, but it made me frustrated to see someone have something good and be seemingly ok with throwing it away because he is so sre he is 'right'

 

OP, let me try to say it in a different way to help you look at it in a different light....

 

For sake of argument, let's agree with your statements. Imagine Linda has no romantic desires whatsoever, and you wouldn't in a million years be attracted to Linda in any way. She's truly and purely only another 'buddy' to you. So, the question is, does that really matter?

 

Your wife, right OR wrong, has told you that she is uncomfortable with something. Whether you agree or disagree with the validity of those feelings as measured by YOUR internal measuring sticks, SHE feels it none the less. Her feelings are not calculated decisions. They are feelings. So you cannot remove them through an argument of their lack of validity. They exist, period.

 

So, if it can't be argued away, then what do you do about them? You make a decision on what your priorities are. One is to decide on being right in your own eyes, and in turn breaking the trust in your marriage that you are going to be the one to make your wife feel safe. Or, deciding to be ok with disagreeing with your wife on how you individually feel about things, but in doing so, still chose to respect your wife's feelings and work to make her feel safe as your top priority in this.

 

You say you would chose your wife over anybody, but truth is clear you did the opposite. It's rare that we are given a straight out choice of "it's her or me!" That you clearly select from. Life doesn't work like that. You 'chose' as a matter of making smaller choices more frequently every day to prioritize your wife over other things...friends, work, hobbies, even over yourself and your own beliefs. You make the right choose often enough, and you are good. Make the wrong choses and I promise there will be no eventual decision day where it all comes down to a single ultimatums choice your wife makes you decide on. Your are in it now! It's happening around you and you don't even see it. The day you will discover it will be the day she leaves and you will realize that the "it's her or me!" was all of these moments when you chose the other direction.

 

Good luck to you. I fear your desire to be right will be your undoing.

[Globug]

Another thing that bothers me is you stated you getting Linda the job was only a couple of months ago. So in a couple of months someone you used to not be able to even stand has become one of your closest friends where it is even worth this discord with your wife? Her becoming so important in your life in such a small time frame is another red flag I don't think you see clearly.

[pheonixrisen]

Why do you think that? In what way am I cheating on her? I don't feel anything romantic towards my friend, I don't even find her attractive, my wife's ten times more attractive than her, I don't flirt with her, I don't talk to her about things that could be considered suspicious, we really only maintain a healthy friendship, I like her as a friend, just as I like my male friends, am I not allowed to have friends because I'm married?

 

You are lying on a regular basis no matter how petty you may think your lies are .You are not being honest with your wife .

 

Your wife asked you to help her friend out.did not ask you to become her best friend and get so close that you text and lie to your wife about it .

 

And if this linda is a friend of you your eife and your marriage why are you guys not including your wife in various outings .

 

You do not want to hurt linda but are okay lying to your wife about it and the deep betrayal and hurt she would feel when she finds out ..you after all were going behind her back .hurting your wife is okay ,hurting linda is not.

 

Who are you kidding about how you feel us or your self .

 

Is your wife paranoi unfounded. Crazy.sick in her head...while all the while you are going behind her back and lying Is what .

 

Where is your loyalty to your own wife .whose side are you standing on .

 

Cut it off. Your linda is def feeling more for you so now has started excluding your wife .wake up

[S2B]

Can you see how the friendship is hurting your M?

 

Keeping info from your wife to cover for feelings about the friend is with holding info/and a cover up for what is real.

 

Does this friendship stroke your ego? To what extent? How can you get that from your wife instead of from this other woman?

[pheonixrisen]

I think this is the best advice I've gotten, everybody just keeps on judging me without really offering helpful opinions. I think I'll take both of those options, I'll cool it with Linda, I'll try to keep her as a friend but not as close as she is right now, even when I feel that my friendship with her is not really that involved, I talk to her like I would talk to my best male friend, which I actually do, in the same frequency and with the same casual tone, but I get why my wife is jealous, and I get that she's probably not just gonna change her mind about this whole thing. By the way, I would choose my wife over any of my friends any day of the week, I love her, I love the family we have built, I wouldn't give that up that easily, I just don't understand why would I have to choose in the first place, it doesn't seem fair. I think that counseling is also a good option, I already asked my wife to go and she seemed happy about it, we are starting next week, I really hope it helps. I'll avoid lying, I agree with that, I have to stop it before it causes more drama and hopefully my wife will start sharing how she feels in a more direct way, she always hides her feelings until the explode making me very confused.

 

Thanks for all the advice, I'll update after the counseling sessions

 

It's funny you say you would pick your wife over anyone .

 

Yet your actions for such a small situation was quite the opp .

 

Your wife asked to cut linda off .You decides to continue texting and hiding it .and then going to play tennis and lying to your wife you are with your buddy .so you dont hurt lind feelings

 

That's choosing linda over your wife.

 

And what's with cooling friendship with linda .your marriage is having strains over this

Cut it off. It should not be this difficult

 

And please stop belittling your wife in post .when clearly you are not being 100 percent honest .

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, wait till he starts rewriting their marital history. The real fun will start then. Why do I keep coming back to the Biblical adage " Casting pearls before s....e". It does seem to fit rather snugly here. Warm wishes.

[pheonixrisen]

Hi Folks, wait till he starts rewriting their marital history. The real fun will start then. Why do I keep coming back to the Biblical adage " Casting pearls before s....e". It does seem to fit rather snugly here. Warm wishes.

 

It feels like seeing how an affair starts ..its all thier .

 

The reasoning .The justification

Why can't I have a female friend .

She invaded my privacy so I started to lie (like that makes it ok)

She is insecure/paranoid I need to lift her up .(making wife the monster to justify his actions)

 

The constant texting

The meeting behind wife back

 

 

HE does not get his wife reaction is so normal .due to his closeness with this other woman

 

I don't understand why Redfang does not see .that's a divorced women she is latching on to the next guy who is nice to her and gives her the time of the day ..she may have started to feel more and that's why requires him to socialize with her

 

Just because linda had a rough bad couple of years does not mean he now needs to put his family through that too so linda is not hurt .linda is a big girl she should be taking care of her own problems .

 

Once she knows that he lies to the wife .she is going to know there are cracks in this marriage and then he becomes fair game.

[eye of the storm]

I trusted my now xH. When he cried to me that my supposed best friend wasn't talking to him, I actually called her and begged her to not shut him out. Just because he and I were going thru issues was no reason to stop talking to him.....

 

 

Yes folks, I called my H's GF and begged her to not dump him.

 

 

Of course, I didn't realize at the time that was what I was doing.

 

 

I had a bad feeling, but I put that down to his chatting with an xGF from HS. I begged him to stop talking to her. So of course he went underground with that one.

 

 

Here is the fact. It doesn't matter what the situation is. If one, normally reasonable, spouse become stressed out about either a new habit, friend, (insert anything here) then their spouse has a decision. Reassure their spouse or not. If the choice is not....then they are choosing to endanger their marriage.

 

 

And if you feel your marriage going down the drain, its hard to act like a robot and be all rational. Its normal to cry, normal to be very upset.

 

 

If your spouse is a controlling nut case....then why are you married to them.

 

 

I do agree, lots of issues under the surface. But issues don't equal cheating. Poor self control and boundaries equal cheating.

 

 

For all we know the W did talk to Linda and got froze out. If Linda was ever a friend to the W, she knows what's up. And doesn't care. And it doesn't look like this guy cares either.

[Whoknew30]

OP...bottom line. In a health & authentic marriage. Cross over friendships should not cause such big issues. Most people that scream out it’s wrong, have trust issues. Wether they want to admit or not.

 

If this was happening to me...I would have already sat both my wife & friend down to talk about it...bc if my spouse was accusing me of wrong doing & I really wasn’t doing anything wrong, why not all sit down like adults to discuss it? If that embarrasses your wife, well so be it.

 

You’ll read a lot of people live life based off of trust issues. It’s no way to live, it’s unhealthy & only causes the person that lives that way stress.

 

None of what I’m saying means that you can’t be cheated on, or that it isn’t possible...but I believe one can’t stop an affair & if a spouse has to run around making sure their spouse isn’t cheating, what kind of heathy relationship is that? That’s why people behave all crazy right? bc they’re so afraid to be cheated on...that’s why my H used to act like that & i still cheated...he had to learn that it wasn’t the way to live bc all of that waisted energy that pushed our marriage into a bad spot, did what? Had he’d just say me down & have told me what was going on inside & had he worked on himself, our marriage would have been where it is now.

 

I suggest marriage therapy to everyone & anyone! A strong marriage is based on how connected the spouses are...it’s not based on rules, or emotional black mail or throwing fits. If the spouses have a truly good connection, everything else follows suit but it does take work to stay connected. Feeling safe in a marriage is about BOTH people being able to come together & talk & be open...it will never be based on either spouse behaving like they are the other’s parent.

 

Any ways good luck

[MidlifeMama]

Hi,

 

I think you would like to not be the bad guy. I think you were missing something in your marriage that you found in Linda and now don't want to give her up.

 

Even if your wife is more attractive, affairs don't always start based on attraction. Many times it's because you allowed someone else to give you emotional support or fun that isn't being had in the relationship.

 

You haven't had sex YET. Even if you aren't attracted to her, you are certainly attracted to her as a person and enjoy her, so really it's juts a matter of time.

 

You can't blame your wife for snooping...you had all the signs of having an affair. Though it sucks to have your spouse snoop, sometimes they feel they need validation that they aren't imagining things. She wanted you to like her friend, not carry on an emotional affair.

 

Remember, the friend is divorced, free to see whomever she wants and have sex with whomever she wants. She is vulnerable and you are filling a huge void for her. I think she isn't even considering your wife in this whole thing.

 

Yes couples can have friends of the opposite sex, but this has crossed the line.

 

Would you be o.k. if a good buddy of yours was texting your wife, playing tennis with her, laughing, sharing and feeling a great connection? Nope, you wouldn't.

 

I know how it is to want to blame the other person when you feel guilty. I did that. I allowed another man to support me in a situation where my husband wasn't supporting me and it opened up a sexual relationship. I wasn't getting what I needed at home in many ways and this other person gave that to me. I would then see so many things my husband didn't do or wasn't being and wanted to blame him. It's on me... not him. Not your wife's fault either that you attached yourself to Linda. You might want to think because she "pushed" you together and snooped , and has been depressed that it cancels out you feeling bad. Ultimately, you are feeling guilty, and you don't want to give her up.

 

I think if you put the breaks on your friendship with Linda, you should work on your marriage to see what is missing. Really look at it. If it is not fulfilling, make some decisions. If you have the kind of bond you and Linda have, then hands down, Linda needs to step aside and you back off of her also. If you don't have that kind of connection in your marriage, you need to look at that seriously.

 

Is it fun, laughter, time together without kids that makes Linda so appealing? Remember, this is sharing a lot with another person, it's an affair, it just is. But also remember, if you and Linda had bills to discuss, kids, and real life stuff, would you still want her?

[Ana-Iva]

You might not be aware of it right now but you are effectively planting the seed of mistrust into your marriage and you are ruining something good. You answers here are very selected, you ignore what most people are telling you and you completely avoid answering question on how would you feel if the situation was reversed and your wife was doing this to you. Having a more intimate and closer relationship, even if there is only a perception of it, is going to first hurt and anger your wife, and then push her away and into someone else's arms if this goes on for long. This is how it all starts, she communicates but you don't hear her...

[elaine567]

The OP has not returned for some time, hopefully MC with his wife will help his marriage and facilitate a renewed connection.

 

It really all depends in how he approaches this, if he thinks the MC will sort out his "crazy" wife, then I guess it may not help so much.

[Timshel]

IF the counselor is skilled, they will both learn, agendas will be futile. Hence hopefully.

[whichwayisup]

Why is this an emotional affair? We only talk about things we have in common, I think of her the same way I think of my guy friends, I don't understand what is so wrong about that. I'm hiding things because my wife has pushed me into doing that, I don't think is fair to stop seeing the friend I like just because she is paranoid for no reason about her, shouldn't she be the one that needs to change her attitude?

 

Wow, entitlement much? This is what many cheaters say even aware or unaware...

 

Your wife senses you're way too close to linda. And she's right.

 

You're investing in linda, spending way too much time with her. Enough already and put your wife first.

 

Linda is a grown woman who can make friends at work. I'm sure she has other friends and family whom she can rely on and lean on not just you.

 

You can't see it now but this is an unintentional emotional affair. feelings are to develop whether you're aware of it is questionable. Any guy who puts another woman first/fights too hard to keep a friendship with another woman over his wife's feelings HAS to ask himself why the OW is more important than your own wife. Give that some thought.

 

Don't blame your wife, this is all on you. Besides Linda was HER friend first and you've taken over. you see this right? And linda should back off and reconnect with your wife, spend more time with her than you.