Am I right or is insecutity killing me?

[MJJean]

I think you misunderstood what OP was saying. It is not an ex of four years, it is an ex from four years AGO!

FOUR YEARS AGO!

 

Umm, he's not an ex from four years ago. He's a current. They're still going on dates, for God's sake.

[heavenonearth]

 

My policy over our 45 year marriage was no friends of the opposite sex. I know from painful experience that what starts as friendship often ends in sex. You cannot trust the person who tells you how much they love you or your best friends. I have been deceived by both. What bothered me the most was how easily they could lie to me with a loving face. How they turned what was accurate suspicion, into me not loving them enough to trust their vague excuses and reasons.

 

I am bisexual. Does this now mean I can't know anyone besides my boyfriend?

These rules are dumb and repressing. You cannot control another person's agency. It's just inhumane. Trust is the most important thing. And if there is no trust, there is no reason why there should be any sort of relationship.

That's what I've learned.

[heavenonearth]

Umm, he's not an ex from four years ago. He's a current. They're still going on dates, for God's sake.

 

No, they are friends. They dated, it did not work out, they decided to be friends. They now have been friends for 4 years. If you have dinner or go climbing with a friend, those are not dates. Those are calling 'hanging out with a friend'.

 

This is your interpretation of something that was told very differently by OP. And let's not forget we only know OPs side of this - his side, including all insecurities and his very own interpretations as well.

 

I am just trying to play devil's advocate here. I think she is not cheating on OP with her friend.

[MJJean]

No, they are friends. They dated, it did not work out, they decided to be friends. They now have been friends for 4 years. If you have dinner or go climbing with a friend, those are not dates. Those are calling 'hanging out with a friend'.

 

This is your interpretation of something that was told very differently by OP. And let's not forget we only know OPs side of this - his side, including all insecurities and his very own interpretations as well.

 

I am just trying to play devil's advocate here. I think she is not cheating on OP with her friend.

 

The description OP gave certainly sounded like dating to me and, apparently, a majority of posters here.

 

Bottom line, this woman and her ex clearly have some unfinished business. They may have ended their relationship officially, but they have utterly failed to detach. If she's willing to lie to her BF about her interactions with her "friend", she clearly demonstrates her "friendship" means more to her than her relationship with her BF. Were I OP, I'd move on and leave these two to their "friendship".

[krakakos]

Can't be 100% sure, but telling her ex she misses him and that she wants to spend more time with him? And sneaking out with him, not answering your calls? It sounds like she's cheating. Sorry.

[heavenonearth]

The description OP gave certainly sounded like dating to me and, apparently, a majority of posters here.

 

Bottom line, this woman and her ex clearly have some unfinished business. They may have ended their relationship officially, but they have utterly failed to detach. If she's willing to lie to her BF about her interactions with her "friend", she clearly demonstrates her "friendship" means more to her than her relationship with her BF. Were I OP, I'd move on and leave these two to their "friendship".

 

Yes, because it seems most people can't believe that men and women can actually be friends.

[ChatroomHero]

She ignored you at times because she felt guilty about making time for him and communicating with him during that time she was ignoring you. She chose him over you at that moment. She will justify it as you would get mad if she told you the truth and twist it to be your fault because she expected you to be mad about something, well, you should be mad about.

 

 

She will try to put you at ease by being "upfront", meaning she will tell you she knows it is weird, she will tell you everything but the parts she doesn't tell you. When you figure those parts out she will play the victim card and it's your fault because...

 

 

She is having intimate texts with him, ie the one about things feeling off in her life and then she asked if he missed her. She is getting rides from him and hanging out doing physical activities with him. He is having dinner with her and visiting her in her home.

 

 

Flip it around, if you were lying to her and saying you were going to the store and instead you went to see your ex, how much of an ass would you feel like you were being? Wouldn't you feel guilty because you know you are betraying her? If she texted you and you ignored her for an hour or two and told her you were busy when really you were chatting up an ex, how would you feel about yourself?

 

 

The next fight you have you'll likely be correct to assume she seeks comfort from him. The next time she says she is going horseback riding, going to see her family, hanging out with friends...you pretty much have to assume she is lying and seeing him. Her actions have shown you that is exactly what she does.

 

 

It's one thing to have a relationship with an ex and another thing if that relationship involves lying to you to spare your feelings, there is something more to it. I wouldn't let myself be the stooge in that situation. I wouldn't wait for the other shoe to drop when you think everything is going great and she dumps you and the next day is with him.

 

 

I'll add one thing- In every relationship I have had that I consider successful I have never felt the need to lie or deceive my GF about a relationship with another woman or an ex. It was easy to be straight up and if they felt uncomfortable with me seeing them, I stopped seeing them. I never felt the need to lie and see them anyway because my SO would be mad, I expected her to be mad if I chose to put myself in certain situations she would not approve of.

Edited October 17, 2017 by ChatroomHero

[Cookiesandough]

Even if shes not cheating, which I view unlikely, I still don't think this sounds very good. She doesn't really respect you much or I suppose I should say care very much about the relationship if shes willing to jeopardize it by sneaking around to see/talk to her ex she knows you're not cool with it. I can't see myself being friends with an ex in the first place, but definitely if theres any kind of apprehension from a guy I'm really into about an ex who is a climb buddy, then that ex is out the doe'

Edited October 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't mind opposite-sex friendships. I have some entirely platonic male friends, and my partner has some long-time female friends.

 

However, I don't think that's all there is to this friendship. Yes, they dated 4 years ago. However, they still see each other and communicate quite frequently - including her saying that she misses seeing him outside of climbing, and her not being honest about what she's up to when she's actually with him. There are some red flags here.

 

Perhaps she was lying because she knows OP won't react well if she is honest. But I suspect many would not love their current partner being this close to an ex either. Sure time has passed, but it sounds like they've also never really let go of each other either. I don't think OP is entirely to blame for feeling uncomfortable with this, and calling him insanely jealous is taking it too far.

 

OP, you can't tell her who she can and can't hang out with. This guy included. But what you can do is decide whether this is the relationship, with your girlfriend's different boundaries, works for you.

[jennyanydot]

Being friends with an ex is OK, what concerned me most is she is lying about seeing her ex. For me, this crosses the line. I would leave.

[Gaeta]

They dated 4 years ago a brief 6 months total. She should not even call this man an ex, he's a friend, nothing else. Exs are people you dated a couple of years, you lived with or were married with. If I had to call exs every man I dated for a few months I'd have a gazillions of exs.

[7675]

They dated 4 years ago a brief 6 months total. She should not even call this man an ex, he's a friend, nothing else. Exs are people you dated a couple of years, you lived with or were married with. If I had to call exs every man I dated for a few months I'd have a gazillions of exs.

 

Were they sexually intimate or not...

 

I would never accept it if my gf was best buds with a guy she dated and regularly slept with. I mean come on, I don't get some of these responses.

They see each other behind his back, they have dinners (just the two of them), he has a key to her place...

 

Why is this even a debate... No respectful partner would maintain that level of intimacy with an ex.

[Sbla22]

Update in this: we have just broken up.

 

Just got past the 5 month point. Although I considered ending it for a few weeks she was the one that pulled the plug.

 

We had just decided to adopt two cats together. She brought them to hers on Tuesday but I hadnt paid her yet for my half of them. I only met them twice.

 

So I came round to hers on Friday night and immediately I knew something was up by her body language and how she was acting. She said she wasnt happy and didnt enjoy spending time with me any more and other such things.

 

Initially I was so shocked and angry I tried to talk her out of it but I know this has been coming. If you read through my posts in this thread in particular youll see I always was uncomfortable with the relationship she has with her ex boyfriend. So I do know deep down this is the right call.

 

However I feel so utterly sad because:

 

. I do love her.

. It's her birthday next week and I spent a lot on presents and they are really thoughtful ones too.

.I dont know how to tell my family or people at work who thought everything was going great. Especially since we got cats together

. I don't really know where to go next in my life. I really thought this was it and I'd eventually move in with her and maybe marry, kids etc. I'm 26 and feel like life is running away.

 

Before I left I did check her phone and she had text her ex boyfriend saying she had broken up with me, felt.guilty but relieved. He asked if she wanted to come over to cuddle. She said "I don't feel like sex and need to be up early". So in a fit of rage I just confonted her and told her I looked at her phone. She still lied and said thats an old joke between them and she had never been.unfaithful, just that we don't work as a couple.

 

I suppose it's irrelevant now but I still think she has been doing something behind my back and if she did love me she certainly wouldnt even imply sex after just breaking up with me.

 

Anyway, I just came on here for support. Any advice on what to do to move on?

[NuevoYorko]

just read the update. Sorry, man.

[Highndry]

She did you a favor. She is a rotten person who was cheating on, and lying to, you. That text proves that they were still having sex, if the others hadn't already. That's what she was doing when she was meeting up with him at times. You are much better off, though it's hard to see it right now.

 

My take: She was never over him, and he's the one who deep-sixed their relationship. He'll continue having sex with her without committing, and she'll want more but he won't give it to her. She'll eventually find herself without you or him, because he's just not that into her.

 

A 5 month relationship is not that long, so I think you'll be able to move on fairly quickly.

 

PS- Return all of those gifts and never, EVER contact her again.

[Sbla22]

She did you a favor. She is a rotten person who was cheating on, and lying to, you. That text proves that they were still having sex, if the others hadn't already. That's what she was doing when she was meeting up with him at times. You are much better off, though it's hard to see it right now.

 

My take: She was never over him, and he's the one who deep-sixed their relationship. He'll continue having sex with her without committing, and she'll want more but he won't give it to her. She'll eventually find herself without you or him, because he's just not that into her.

 

A 5 month relationship is not that long, so I think you'll be able to move on fairly quickly.

 

PS- Return all of those gifts and never, EVER contact her again.

 

Thanks for the reply. I know you are right. I'm most frustrated for not ending this myself weeks ago. I think there's some insecure issues I need to face before getting back into dating - I basically ignored all these red flags for fear of being alone and now I am alone again but she's had the satisfaction of ending it, and still lying to me.

 

I do have to see her one more time - I left a DVD at here which is part of a box set and don't want to lose it. Other than that I'd delete her out my life though it's hard.

[Highndry]

Thanks for the reply. I know you are right. I'm most frustrated for not ending this myself weeks ago. I think there's some insecure issues I need to face before getting back into dating - I basically ignored all these red flags for fear of being alone and now I am alone again but she's had the satisfaction of ending it, and still lying to me.

 

I do have to see her one more time - I left a DVD at here which is part of a box set and don't want to lose it. Other than that I'd delete her out my life though it's hard.

 

Don't worry about it, we all make those mistakes. I kick myself for not ending my relationship when there were red flags, but foolishly I hung on. In hindsight, I should have bailed out a year ago, but I didn't know then what I know now.

 

A silly DVD is no reason to see her. Tell her to put it in the mail or just write it off.

[ExpatInItaly]

Before I left I did check her phone and she had text her ex boyfriend sayingshe had broken up with me, felt.guilty but relieved. He asked if she wanted to come over to cuddle. She said "I don't feel like sex and need to be up early". So in a fit of rage I just confonted her and told her I looked at her phone. She still lied and said thats an old joke between them and she had never been.unfaithful, just that we don't work as a couple.

 

OP, I realize many posters here were trying to defend this friendship, but I didn't buy these two were just friends, and this comment is further evidence of that, in my opinion.

 

Alarm bells were ringing in your mind for a darn good reason.

[Versacehottie]

just read the update. Sorry, man.

 

I'm sorry too. Just wanted to say, you can't change much about her or have the final answer of whether she was doing something with her ex bf or not. I kind of think not but the fact that they remained this close doesn't mean that it won't happen in the future or that it doesn't cross a line (like emotional cheating which i think is why you really bothered). Probably in the end you will realize that it is for the best and everything happens for a reason.

 

When you are feeling better and have a chance to take what you will learn from this experience, my whole-hearted advice is to change what you can about yourself that played a part in this scenario. I can't think of many, if any, situations where paranoid thoughts and insecurity hasn't ultimately destroyed the relationship--founded or unfounded. You need to find a way in the future to steel yourself up where the insecurities don't take over your relationship--you can think they didn't but I promise you they did play a role. One way to do this is to decide if they ever get to a critical point such as they did in this one, that you are worth more than "accepting" it. In other words, you felt so much that there was something going on--rather than try to hold out through that, that should be a sign that she is not worthy of you and you would want to leave if you have a decent self-esteem and standards for what you accept in your life. Most of the time with people who have insecurities that are disproportionate, they hang on because on one hand they don't believe they will find better and their partner "gives" them something they believe they cannot give themselves (a level of status, possessing something/someone important, etc) and also deep down I believe that they know in a way that there is a shred of doubt where they know their insecurities might be controlling the show and they are being irrational in their thoughts. I know whenever a guy I've dated has acted insecure around me, paranoid about guy friendships and ex-bfs it has quickly and definitively nixed my attraction for them.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon. Focus on yourself. Physical activity and hanging out with friends and family, keeping yourself busy will help a lot. Good luck

[Ieris]

@Sbla22 ~ Sorry to hear about your breakup but I think it would have happened sooner or later. Sounds like you were just Plan B to her and nobody deserves that.

 

 

However I feel so utterly sad because:

 

. I do love her.

 

~ She doesn't deserve your love, save it for someone worthy of it.

 

 

. It's her birthday next week and I spent a lot on presents and they are really thoughtful ones too.

 

~ That is very sweet of you but she doesn't deserve it. You should return them but if you can't then give them away to people who would truly appreciate it.. a charity or something.

 

 

.I dont know how to tell my family or people at work who thought everything was going great. Especially since we got cats together

 

~ Well... things weren't going great as she was sneaking around behind your back. It is upto you whether you want to share those details with them but they'll probably tell you that you're better off without her.

 

 

. I don't really know where to go next in my life. I really thought this was it and I'd eventually move in with her and maybe marry, kids etc. I'm 26 and feel like life is running away.

 

~ You're only 26, you have plenty of time to meet someone and create the life you want. You've only been with her for 5 months.. what were you doing before that? Don't base your happiness on other people, people come and go so it's important to have your own thing going regardless of whether you have a partner or not.

[Sbla22]

5 days after the break up and 3 NC and I feel awful

 

I know this relationship was never going to work out now and I know that actually when I wasn't blinded by love that the relationship filled me with anxiety and paranoia a lot of the time.

 

But I still feel so hurt and sad. I know for a fact that she has probably completely moved on and it's like I never even existed. It feels so unfair to me that I've basically wasted 5 months of my life, trusted someone, loved someone, began a new life with someone and then they just cast you aside like you were never anything to them.

 

I've been busying myself with work and going the gym and I felt better after the gym as exercise does wonders for mental health. But then a few hours later I get that sickly feeling in my stomach again and start to think about the good times we had.

 

I feel like I just have no direction now. I can't see any positive future for me which I know is just my anxiety and low feelings talking but it's just utterly ****

[kendahke]

I know for a fact that she has probably completely moved on

How do you know this "for a fact" when you're NC? Besides, "probably" negates the whole "fact" angle.

 

You don't. Those are hurt feelings talking. You don't know anything for a fact other than you and she are no longer together and you're doing NC, so you really wouldn't know anything unless that's not true and you're creeping on her social media, which means you're really not NC.

 

You're exactly where someone who has ended their relationship should be. Give it 2 weeks and let yourself go through all of this. Don't look for distractions, other than going to the gym, or ways to hold off sitting with these feelings. They're there to do a job--let them do their job so they're done with it. When they're done, you will know it. You will no longer be gripped by sadness and despair.

 

Leave everything that pertains to her alone--no social media, no texting, no calling, no driving by her house. 6 months ago, you didn't know her and your life was full, right?