olivetree Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Reading your OP makes me feel high maintenance. I would be disappointed and hurt and I wouldn't be able to keep it in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 16, 2017 Author Share Posted October 16, 2017 I think most of you know I have a 30 yo daughter with whom I am very close. I sent her a message telling her about my disappointment. She replied: No, I don't think you should do that, you know how he's already traumatized about that stuff, wait for me to call you after work I have a positive solution. I wonder what is her positive solution, I will hear it out before saying anything. My daughter really likes my bf, she might be bias, I will see what she has to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 Do listen to your daughter then. She knows him & has insights we can't offer you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 16, 2017 Share Posted October 16, 2017 So I am a bit disappointed. Should I say something? Is this really a battle worth fighting? If I don't say anything will that become the norm? I am not hurt or anything but a bit disappointed and puzzled. I tend to get a bit complacent in relationships too. I think it's worth telling him how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 I'm curious - what was your daughter's solution? I think most of you know I have a 30 yo daughter with whom I am very close. I sent her a message telling her about my disappointment. She replied: No, I don't think you should do that, you know how he's already traumatized about that stuff, wait for me to call you after work I have a positive solution. I wonder what is her positive solution, I will hear it out before saying anything. My daughter really likes my bf, she might be bias, I will see what she has to say. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Yeah, Gaeta -- we're all waiting. What were your daughter's words of wisdom? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 She said to make suggestions like I would love if you took me to such restaurant around my birthday Instead of expecting him to come up with something. To give him easy suggestions and to not put on him the pressure to figure it out on his own because figuring it out on his own means he'll be judge if he did a good job or not. Her advice is good for next year. My bf is very generous of his time and resources. Not 2 months ago my daughter had an accident and he bought her a truck because she was broke at the time and I could not afford to buy her a vehicle, a couple of weeks ago he spent hours redoing the concrete behind my home. He's always taking care of us in a way or another, he never stops. That's priceless to me and makes me feel really bad to rock the boat for a b'day card. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Glad you found your daughter's advice helpful. It's what I was saying about the upcoming holidays. Am more proud of you (for whatever that may be worth) that with a couple of days behind you that you have gained some perspective about this (not that you really lost perspective) But you understand that on balance he's a good guy & a keeper. We can teach him to do birthdays better. Remember, I had to "teach" my husband how to write out a card. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 I think she's on point - better tell him for next time rather than criticize for the past one. From what you described he's quite sensitive to criticism, plus it's not a big deal in the big picture of things. She said to make suggestions like I would love if you took me to such restaurant around my birthday Instead of expecting him to come up with something. To give him easy suggestions and to not put on him the pressure to figure it out on his own because figuring it out on his own means he'll be judge if he did a good job or not. Her advice is good for next year. My bf is very generous of his time and resources. Not 2 months ago my daughter had an accident and he bought her a truck because she was broke at the time and I could not afford to buy her a vehicle, a couple of weeks ago he spent hours redoing the concrete behind my home. He's always taking care of us in a way or another, he never stops. That's priceless to me and makes me feel really bad to rock the boat for a b'day card. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 It's what I was saying about the upcoming holidays. I've given up on Holidays with him. A couple of weeks ago him, my daughter and I were having dinner when I announced that my parents had invited all of us to visit them over Xmas (they're 10 hours away). BF said OH that's wonderful I really think you both should go and enjoy it to the fullest! My daughter saidto him you're coming with us!! He said no he's not celebrating xmas he can't deal with it. My daughter said to him I'm not done with you yet, you'll come with us!. I told my daughter to not open that can of warms. Not sure she'll listen to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Have you both done your five 'love languages' together? Its really helpful for these sorts of things I think. Also gives you a reference point for discussion when you're feeling disappointed that your partner isn't considering yours. Might help. Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 I haven't read the entire thread.But here is my take : Its your 2nd birthday since you are dating this guy. It IS inconsiderate and probably a sign of losing interest.He is in 50s , so has been around the block. Even if not, its normal courtesy.Its not that he forgot your bday.He remembered and chose not to do much about it. You speaking about it is no use.Sorry, not something that you want to hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 I haven't read the entire thread.But here is my take : Its your 2nd birthday since you are dating this guy. It IS inconsiderate and probably a sign of losing interest.He is in 50s , so has been around the block. Even if not, its normal courtesy.Its not that he forgot your bday.He remembered and chose not to do much about it. You speaking about it is no use.Sorry, not something that you want to hear. Maybe you should read the entire thread :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 Have you both done your five 'love languages' together? Its really helpful for these sorts of things I think. Also gives you a reference point for discussion when you're feeling disappointed that your partner isn't considering yours. Might help. No we have not, not easy to get a 50 yo man to do an online personality test lol. His love language is being of service 100% with no doubt, he is also very verbally expressive, as much as he is of service. I could do the test for myself though. Link to post Share on other sites
newheart Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Gaeta, first, happy belated birthday!!! I think your daughter gave great advice (so you raised a smart cookie!) worth heeding, and as someone mentioned, she knows him and we all don't. However, I just want to add it might not be too late to bring it up this year ... "Hey honey, I was just thinking that we didn't really celebrate my birthday yet, and I'd really like to have dinner at such-and-such (or insert activity). What do you think?" (in a very non-accusatory manner) I don't know, worth mentioning! I have to respectfully disagree with who said that it is automatically a sign of losing interest. People are unique and place different values on different things in their lives. Unfortunately, I have experience with someone who gets weird around holidays and birthdays (to the extreme!) and to him, these are just regular days and he becomes extremely stressed out meeting other's expectations on these days. If these events are really important to someone, perhaps it can be seen as incompatibility in some cases, but in your case, the fact that he treats you so well on a regular basis (i.e. buying the truck, redoing concrete!) is probably much more important. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 belated happy Bday. Even thoughtful people can overlook things at times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 It's great that your daughter likes him. I think our loved ones know what's good for us even better than we do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me what I expected from my bf for my birthday and I replied: Since I met him every day is my birthday so I don't need much. Ironic I said that lol. What are the odds he asked your friend? Because that question sounds suspicious the way she worded it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Author Share Posted October 17, 2017 What are the odds he asked your friend? Because that question sounds suspicious the way she worded it. 0 odds. I have not introduced them yet. That question is normal for my friend. She measures the love of her partner by how much he spends on her, how many flowers he brings, etc etc. She took him back after he cheated because he had flowers delivered to her. She puts a lot of value into that. Link to post Share on other sites
KBob Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 You're ok to express your disappointment. And I'm going to second the view that men don't think of birthdays the way women do. I've disappointed a woman in this way before, too. Birthdays don't hold significant special meaning to me, but after that I learned to up it for the women I date, and I tried harder with the subsequent GF's. I'm sure your boyfriend will, too, once he knows you're feelings were hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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