What is this all about?

[MadMax20]

Okay, this might be tough to read, but I think that pulling the band-aid off quickly rather than slowly is the best way.

 

In my opinion, there was another guy in the picture. I don't know if she was cheating on you or not (well, to be honest, if there is another guy, she was cheating either emotionally, physically or both). Normally, when a girl says, "I think we should start seeing other people" it usually translates into " I've already been seeing someone else and you have caught me. But, I'm tired of juggling two relationships. So, I'm cutting you loose" OR "There's this guy that's interested in me and I'm going to give him a shot". So, don't bother wasting your time trying to find out if this is true. Because, if it is, then I'll save you some time and tell you what her response to you finding out would be, "He's not the reason why we broke up". So, there you go.

 

What you need to do right now is focus on you and your healing. You need to be in full NO CONTACT (NC) with her. BUT! You also need to be making positive changes to your life. Will NC a heal you? Yes. Will NC and doing positive changes heal you faster? Absolutely! So, here's what I mean by positive changes.

 

Go out and buy new clothes. Get a new wardrobe. Be styling and profiling 24/7. Looking totally GQ. You want people seeing you and having them say to you. "Damn dude! Looking sharp!" Why? Because it feels good and it will help your confidence. Then, get to the gym. Run your ass off on the treadmills and push some weight. Work off all the stress and frustrations you're having and leave it in the gym. If you eat clean, you'll be working on that rock hard bod that most girls like. There are four things that MOST girls like to touch and that's puppies, kittens, 6 pack abs and Biceps.

 

Then get new hobbies. Something that you'll enjoy. Normally, there are clubs in your area that have people that have the same interest. Go join them! So, sign up for a men's soccer league, or a cycling Club, or a running club, or scuba diving lessons! Put yourself out there. Meet new people and have fun!

 

Then travel!!!! Think of a place you've always wanted to go to. Save, make a plan and then go! Enjoy it! Take a ton of pics! Travel helps a lot to get you out of your normal environment and away from places that would remind you of her. Even if money is tight, you can certainly save for a train ticket to a neighboring city, get a room on Air B&B and go see a sporting event or a music festival. Make new memories! Go have an adventure!

 

And who knows, maybe one day your Ex will get curious and peek on your Facebook and see pictures of you whitewater rafting, or cattle driving, or you standing next to Big Ben, or on the Great Wall of China, or at the top of Mount Kilimanjaro, or the summit of Mount Fuji. Or wouldn't it be cool to have a picture of you having just diving the Great Barrier Reef and you back on the boat with your arm around your dive partner that just happens to be this stunning blonde haired, blue eyed Aussie girl that look fantastic in a wet suit?

 

The best revenge you can have is to lead a damn good and adventurous life. Time to close the last chapter....you have fresh blank pages in front of you. Question is, what do you want to write on those pages?

 

Honestly, the only tough part of your message was the part of her already seeing somebody else. Lol I hate the idea of that!! But it could be a possibly! Everything else you said was great. I laughed a few times actually, but I totally agree with you! I actually just went out and bought like $500 worth of new clothes, and I actually pick a new place to travel to every Friday (This weekend I am choosing Vegas!).

 

I am so eager to live life, but I just can't shake that empty feeling off. It's terrible.

 

But I will ask you what I asked somebody else on this thread: When you do something low, like breakup with somebody of 7 years, via text message, don't you feel a little unsettled within yourself? Especially because I didn't even respond to it. I just feel like when you exemplify poor character and you're aware of it, you just can't find peace within yourself because of it..

 

Now, I know that it looks like I'm indirectly stating that I want her to contact me and show some respect and integrity, and to be honest, that IS what I want. I wake up everyday feeling disrespected by that and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth,

 

Your response is greatly appreciated!

[A_New_Earth]

WOW! Thanks for this reply! I'd like to know more about mindfulness techniques I could use. I'd also like to know more about why you feel time is an illusion. That story you wrote made a lot of sense too. I think people like to sit back and let "nature run its course" and then they realize that it hasn't been doing anything for them!

 

Thanks for thinking I'm on the right track. That means a lot. Because sometimes I feel like I'm going backwards. I am willing to try anything (positive of course haha) to help me get through this. Thanks in advance!!

 

 

You asked for it MadMax...Haha. 'Time' is an illusion of the 'time-bound' human mind. Obviously a lot of this is conjecture...but if you were to give a bird the gift of speech and ask him what the 'time' was...all 'sense' would point to the fact that he/she/it would reply "It's Now." It's always now. We paint mental images of past events, childhood traumas, happy 'memories' and it's all a mental projection. 9 times out of 10 is a distorted memory based on sensory experience and it changes over time. Five people would have a very different 'memory' of the event you recall. Not all of them can be accurate, yet we believe them to be 'fact'.

 

And the 'future' is a mental projection (usually based in fear). We paint pictures of doom and gloom; or some of us paint pictures of happier times ahead. It doesn't take much to realise that we are not guaranteed to even wake up in the morning. Whatever your religious beliefs, the sun is pretty much our 'lifeline'. If that burned out tonight, there is no more 'us'. So, in reality, there is no 'future'. Past and future are both mental constructs.

 

But here's the kicker...when do we make those mental constructs? Past and future can only ever be 'thought' of right now, in the present moment. Picture your car. You can 'make plans' to drive that car tomorrow at 12pm tomorrow. In our time-bound minds, we assume that to be fact. But considering we're not even guaranteed to wake up tomorrow, it's most certainly not a 'fact'. At 12pm tomorrow you get in that car and you start the engine. Turning the key, putting your foot on the accelerator can ONLY happen in the present moment. Everything is happening now. People say "It must have been easier to live in the past" and we accept that. But it's an illusion. In 1066 at the Battle Of Hastings...people weren't living 'in the past'. They were living 'now'. They were living their version of the present moment. It's all we can ever do.

 

Imagine the trillions of cells in your body. When are they acting/changing/multiplying? Right now. Life is a constant ball of motion that is happening right now. If our cells had a human mind getting in the way, they may well take a nap and/or reminisce over 'yesterday's activities' or tomorrow's 'plans'. The result? We'd be dead within sixty seconds.

 

Next time you go out into town/work etc., take a look at people. The majority walk with their heads down, mumbling, grumbling. They are not 'here'. They're off in a fictional land of past memories or future problems. They're doing that 'now' (because that's the only moment anyone can do anything) but their body reacts as if it were physically happening. If I asked you to speed your heart rate up right now, you probably couldn't do it automatically. But if you close your eyes and vividly imagine walking down a dark country lane at night...there are footsteps behind you...they are growing faster...louder...someone is right behind you... If you imagine that vividly enough, your body will react. Your stomach will not. Your heart rate will increase. You'll trigger a fight or flight response. It's only an imaginative thought, but that's what all thoughts are. They then create a physiological/'bodily' reaction in order to protect you from danger. Your physical body knows NO difference between vividly imagines thoughts and reality. To your body, thoughts ARE reality (when you follow them...)

 

And this is what happens when you get stuck in a thought pattern about your ex. You re-live the feelings/the emotions/the torment. You recapture the good moments and cross them with the bad. Before you know it, you've sent your poor body on a rollercoaster built in a time machine. You feel sick, depressed, exhausted. And you didn't move a muscle. You did all that right here, right now (because that's the only 'time' anything can ever happen). But as far as your poor body is concerned, it all happened again (and again) right here, right now.

 

The mind is capable of so much good...but most people are never truly 'here'. We're always off in our heads and our body reacts to the threat of our imagination.

 

A neat little trick is to sit down and ask yourself, "What problems do I have right now?" The mind will throw up all manner of suggestions. But start to be aware of the question you asked, "What problems do I have right now?" You'll start to see that these 'problems' that the mind is throwing up are past regrets/issues and future worries/concerns/predictions. When that happens, smile to yourself and re-ask the questions. Right here, right now...as bizarre as it seems...there really are no problems. Even if you have a scan result tomorrow...we're all human and we'd all worry over that. But the fact remains that this isn't a problem, right now. Tomorrow will deal with itself and the result might be fine. It might not be. But the key is not letting it affect your present moment 'calm'.

 

You are always breathing now. Your heart is always beating now. You life is always unfolding now. Your kidneys are always filtering waste now. The earth is rotating the sun now. When any of these things stop happening 'now', your time here as a human is over. Everything is happening now. Always has, always will. Drum it into yourself and you'll see it sooner or later. The mind/ego will kick and fuss (because it's entire identity is formed in 'time')...but you can unlock the door to the present moment and set yourself free of all the past regrets and future fiction.

 

If you could wake up tomorrow morning with amnesia, how would the world have changed? What happened between you and your ex would still have happened. But suddenly it doesn't matter, because you don't remember and you are unable to keep replaying the past (from your own limited one-dimensional perception) over and over again. Then you would be free. I don't wish amnesia on you...but you can 'get there' without that when you realise that now is all there ever is, was or will be.

 

If you have a dentist appointment at 3pm next Thursday, your mind will say "What's this dude talking about? I have a dentist appointment, that is happening!" Well yes, providing you're around (touch wood) it probably is happening. But the terrible mental projections of all the pain and misery the evil dentist will cause your poor mouth are not real. And the memories of past dental experiences are only real when you re-imagine them now. And when you get there, and lay in the chair, it will be now. And you'll experience it in the present moment, where everything happens, always. What ends up happening is you waste weeks of your life in anxiety and torment for a procedure that may last half an hour. And really...nothing is ever quite as bad as we imagine...

 

I'll shut up now. Haha. But think of this... 99.999% of every species that has ever walked this planet is now extinct. Humans are special...but not that special. Haha. Our time will come. And when that moment happens, whether it's next year (back off North Korea!!!) or a million years...what will happen to 'time'? There will be no more notions of 'Sundays', 'Weeks' and 'years'. There will be no more 1pm, 7pm, 12am. No more labels of 'Africa' 'Asia' 'Europe'. All these things are created by us humans. Gold will be meaningless and water will reclaim it's rightful position of the most 'valuable' and 'life-giving' substance on earth (in reality, it already is). But what will actually change for the rest of life here on earth? Not. A. Single. Thing. Birds, plants, animals and insects will carry on oblivious to fact that our self-created 'time', 'money', 'countries' etc. have disappeared with us. Asia won't care that it's lost it's label. Gold won't suddenly feel 'worthless'. It's all an illusion. Everything will just carry on living, breathing and acting in the present moment (as it does anyway).

 

I really do need to shut up now. Haha. Hopefully this hasn't bored you tears (the mind doesn't like to be shown up for the illusion it is). I'll dig out some mindfulness links for you.

 

In the meantime...be present. Watch your thoughts and see where they try to take you. Witness their tendency to drag you into a time-machine of pain. Don't take them seriously (like everything in our bodies, their 'intention' is to protect you). Watch them like a you are the only viewer in a cinema. Then you can learn to let them float on by. Don't drag the past kicking and screaming into the present moment because before you know it, you're 'future' will become a mirror image of that 'past'...and it's all happening right now (like everything else in the entire universe).

 

Peace.

[Chi townD]

Honestly, the only tough part of your message was the part of her already seeing somebody else. Lol I hate the idea of that!! But it could be a possibly! Everything else you said was great. I laughed a few times actually, but I totally agree with you! I actually just went out and bought like $500 worth of new clothes, and I actually pick a new place to travel to every Friday (This weekend I am choosing Vegas!).

 

I am so eager to live life, but I just can't shake that empty feeling off. It's terrible.

 

But I will ask you what I asked somebody else on this thread: When you do something low, like breakup with somebody of 7 years, via text message, don't you feel a little unsettled within yourself? Especially because I didn't even respond to it. I just feel like when you exemplify poor character and you're aware of it, you just can't find peace within yourself because of it..

 

Now, I know that it looks like I'm indirectly stating that I want her to contact me and show some respect and integrity, and to be honest, that IS what I want. I wake up everyday feeling disrespected by that and it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth,

 

Your response is greatly appreciated!

 

Dude, you are in a harder position. NC will be a little harder on you because you're trying to heal from seven years verses someone that's trying to heal from a six month relationship. You're more emotionally involved. So, it's going to take time and it's not easy. Never is, BUT it's not impossible.

 

Yeah, breaking up via text is a cowards way out. But, I chalk that up to feeling guilty. But, you also said you're trying to find peace with it. Which, to me, sounds like you're looking for some kind of closure to move on. There are some on here that would ask if meeting up one more time for "closure" is a good idea. And I'll tell you, it never is because some people have met up for "closure" and these closure meet ups usually makes you feel 10 times worse. Because, you're sitting there and having them tell you that the relationship ended because YOU didn't do this, that or the other. That YOU are the reason for the demise of the relationship. They may own up to a little bit; but; primarily, it's your fault. Which is total BS. They walk away having eased their guilt and you're back to square one in your healing.

 

Okay, she did a crappy thing by ending it the way that she did. But, right now, you are a crackhead. You're an alcoholic, you're a speed freak. At least that 's how you have to view this relationship. You're relationship was your addiction, and a lot of people have the SAME withdrawl symptoms as someone trying to get clean and sober. They can't eat, they can't sleep. When they do they have vivid dreams and their Ex's are constantly on their minds, like a meth head has that drug constantly on theirs. It's the same damn withdrawl symptoms! And some people look for excuses to get just one more hit. Like, they find something at there place and say, 'Hey, this pen used to belong to my Ex. Maybe I need to get this back to her. It might have sentimental value to her". Basically, trying to find any reason to get one last hit of that drug. Like "closure" meet ups. And some my feel good after a meet up because they got to hit that drug again...but, only for a little bit and then they go back into the funk.

 

So, the treatment is exactly the same for a drug addict. Stay away from it. Go NC and just get through the day without contacting our Ex's. And when you climb into bed at night. Congratulate yourself and do it again the next day.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Chi townD

[A_New_Earth]

But, right now, you are a crackhead. You're an alcoholic, you're a speed freak. At least that 's how you have to view this relationship. You're relationship was your addiction, and a lot of people have the SAME withdrawl symptoms as someone trying to get clean and sober. They can't eat, they can't sleep.

 

I was this relationship crack-head for eighteen months (post-breakup). Chi knows the score. Cold turkey is the only way to go.

 

Peace.