Dating a divorced woman with 2 kids, but something feels off. am i crazy?

[tbonie12]

Hi,

 

This is going to be kind of a long post so i apologize in advance!

 

I'm in my late 20's year old male, and I am dating a mother of two . Her and I have been together for a year. As far as her girls, they are by two different fathers. She was married to the second guy for a few years, but was with him for much longer. they've been separated for years, but only officially divorced for a few months, but I'll get back to that in a bit. She comes from kind of a rough background, knows and understands it, and doesn't want that sort of life for herself anymore or her kids. I am quite the opposite, being a burbs guy through and through. I live in the city now, though. She also came clean before we even started dating that she cheated on her husband one time. It almost destroyed her family and she learned from it, and told me she wanted to come clean about it so I knew i could trust her. I appreciated it - we all have our demons. I was willing to overlook it, and I did.

 

now, to dig into it.

 

When we first started dating, things were great as they tend to be. As things got more involved (I met her family, her kids, and started spending time at her house) things started to change. There were things we sat down and talked about that had to change or 'go away'. She was still technically married, and she had a tattoo of the ex. After a few requests, she went forward with the divorce and i didn't hear too much about that. Much of it was financial, so I didn't want to make her suffer financially when I knew she would get it done eventually and she did. Then there's the tattoo. I asked her numerous times to get it taken care of and it never happened. Finally, and in poor taste, I got really upset and gave her an ultimatum. I'm not proud of it, but this is after 4+ attempts at being kind and cordial. I simply told her, the fact that she doesn't want to do it rubs me the wrong way and I don't want to take a gamble on the fact that she might still love her ex. When she finally went and did it, she gave me hell about it. Her reason? I didn't trust that she would have done it herself. She dug up some random info and tried to use it against me, etc. It was messy. We (somehow) got past that.

 

Fast forward a little bit, and a lot has transpired. My girlfriend, starting palying a game and she would play with other people online as well (random folks). 2-3 months later, she's at my house one day and she's playing, and I notice she's chatting on the chatroom with someone - some guy. For the sake of the convo, lets call him "Mr S" which was his handle on the app. Didn't think much of it. About a week later, she gets a snapchat from someone named "Mr. S" which suddenly made me wonder. So, going with my gut, I asked her who he was. she told me it was a guy from work, and insisted on it. I asked her to show me so I would feel more comfortable and she wouldn't. So i asked her to show me the game app - and she started crying and showed me. Turns out she met this guy on there, traded snapchat info, and took the convo offline with this guy, and another guy... and from the convo on the app, this was clearly him making a move. Turns out he was asking for pics via snapchat and 'she kept denying it'. Now, i do not think she shared pics, but it still made me feel disrespected. it made me wonder what would have happened if i didn't find out. Moreover - she lied right to my face. This was a huge blow to my trust, something i'm still recovering from.

 

the final piece of the puzzle you all should know, is that she asked me what 'rules' i wanted for her ex. my two rules were, i don't want him coming on the property without letting us know first (something he had done before), and he shouldn't be texting after 10pm unless an emergency with/for the kids which is fair. So we've had incidents of both. And when i ask her to sort it out, she gives me quite a bit of feedback about it. Not wanting to do it, not wanting the drama, etc. I tell her that if she respects me, she will handle it. eventually she comes around and lets him know not to do it and reminds him, but I can't help but feel disrespected at the feedback i get from her. Should I NOT feel this way? Her girls love me, we do everything together, and all i am asking is to make sure this guy stays within the guidelines WE decided on. And she genuinely seems to have issues with it. It SEEMS that the reason is, the guy is manipulative and knows how to get to her. this is a tough situation because she's basically afraid to confront him about it.

 

Right now, i'm caught between "F this" and "this is worth fighting for" but it's truly hard to know the right answer. I need some guidance, community.

Edited October 16, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
annonymity ~T

[Miss Spider]

That sucks. She cheated on you by my definition. Could still be. Wouldn't surprise me if she monkey branches out of the relationship at some point. I would definitely leave. It's very sad esp since her girls are attached but cant be with someone like that

[tbonie12]

By my definition too. I agree. thanks for feedback.

[Highndry]

Lying to your face showed you exactly who she is, and it was about other men she's talking to which makes it very, very bad. Run. She can't be trusted.

[kassy]

I'm sorry but this is only going to get worse. Time to end it before she reallyhurts you even more. Sorry about that you sound like a great guy.

[tbonie12]

She told me she lied because she was scared of my reaction. Her reason why she did it in the first place was because she saw a snap on my phone from a girl which turned out to be my cousin. To be honest I didn't buy that, and the logic is VERY skewed.

[Highndry]

She's a cheater. I kind of think once a cheater, always a cheater. It's a character thing. People who are committed just don't do that.

[JuneL]

You are only 28. Why you would get yourself into this mess is beyond me. Are you helping her financially? You can stay a loving uncle to her two girls, if you decide to break up.

[tbonie12]

Yeah I tell myself the same thing now, hindsight is 20/20.

[tbonie12]

Not helping her financially. And i think the girls will go away once I leave the mom...just the feeling I get. Sad but true.

[Highndry]

As human beings we sometimes find ourselves in love with the wrong person, and sometimes it's not with who they are, but who we think they are or want them to be. Like they say, breaking up is hard to do.

[coolheadal]

She told me she lied because she was scared of my reaction. Her reason why she did it in the first place was because she saw a snap on my phone from a girl which turned out to be my cousin. To be honest I didn't buy that, and the logic is VERY skewed.

 

You know once they cheat, they well always cheat. It will always be a problem for you. Plus she's a liar on top of that. Plus she insured too. So the two girls have different dads Okay so she was only married once and now divorce. Have you seen those divorce papers make sure she is. Trusting her it going to be rock and roll experience. You have to check on her a lot. She can sway on you and you don't even know she did sway. Sway go from you to another guy without you knowing it. She likes to flirt, tease and be playful online.

 

Remember what you got yourself into she's early divorcee with 2 teen age daughters she had tattoo of her husband on her back you said. That means they were really into each other until she cheated on him she almost cheated on you with emotion (no physical contact just words, almost pictures). Did you ever do physical contact while married as a cheater. Did you ever ask her if she did. Because that's another issue. Then she's been in a toxic marriage so she has damage history.

 

Your seem normal and with it. She unstable can can't cope with her ex divorcee husband still can run the show while your hands are tied. No matter what you think those two girls will one of them is his sexual contact the other one did he adopt her carrying his last name?

 

What are you plans are you going marry her and adopt the two girls but you can't adopt her divorcee husband daughter he's still in the picture, but the other daughter you could if she doesn't know who he was. Does he come around also?

 

All that snapchat other things you have to be very concern of because she can liar to you without notice, don't be so forgiving because now she knows she can get away with cheating side of her with you. Rules don't mean squat with her!

 

I've been with women like her prior and in the end they'll break your heart. Mine called was called Sherry with her 5 year old prize daughter. I say that because that's how she describe her to me. On March 25, 2015 I met the child who I had no idea I ever existed to her mom. What a shock that was her. That was the first time I met the mom in person. She came from one of my facebook chat groups. I knew her since Jan 2015. I had asked her if she was married she said she was divorced twice. It wasn't until late March than I found out that was a lied she was married 3x times ouch. If she didn't have all those abortions and miscarriages she would have had 7 kids but now she only had 2 kids, one crazy mixed up 26 year old disability daughter who's general liar. Sherry was cheater, a liar, a manipulator,. selfish, money grabber, "like that song "she'll take your money, she's a gold digger"I ended everything with her on Oct 28th 2015. It wasn't easy to escape her. She left for work. I quickly gather-up all what I gave her and what was mine. I told her I would take her out for lunch, that was the first time I had stood her up. I had to do that because there wasn't any way to get away from her. You never knew what I gone throw with her. After 18,000 miles so much drama and toxic behavior on her part. Anyway I am a lot better today thank GOD!

 

Just remember what your getting involved with and the little girl had loved me to death that was the saddest part of that life with her mom. Anyway life goes on. I have a picture of me and the 5 year old she's holding my leg. Anyway you be careful my friend and if you want this woman as you clearly seem too just be watchful and careful of her moves. Can't really trust her 100% she'll cheat on you if she can get away with it. She'll cry on you about it too. That's how they do it. Sherry loved to tease men at Whole Foods in front of me. I told her you should stop doing that, she would turn to me with anger in her face and say "it's none of your business what I do" Once she pull me aside and said "you are making a seen and your not going to embarrassing me with my friends here at Whole Foods" That place was her escape she loves to flirt, tease and be playful. That's what her game was. Yours does it in a sneaky way.. Man just be careful your young but smart just watch out that's all I can say.. WATCH OuT

Edited October 16, 2017 by coolheadal

[Chilli]

Yet another reason it makes me sick when people let new bf's or gf's near their kids.

That should not happen , not until your both sure that relationship is a keeper.

They've lost their dads or at least the family unit , hopefully their dads are still as best a father as they can be like this and in their lives , but now they lose you if you don't stick around.

 

The gf , not feeling it sorry ,l agree with cookie, don;t think you can trust her long term , no way l would, already seen enough. Sorry.

[JuneL]

You are only 28. Why you would get yourself into this mess is beyond me. Are you helping her financially? You can stay a loving uncle to her two girls, if you decide to break up.

 

p.s. Forgot to add that just be super careful not to make another baby with her!

[coolheadal]

p.s. Forgot to add that just be super careful not to make another baby with her!

 

He won't be if she has tied her tubes.. She had 6 kids mostly likely she'll be in risk for another child. Really no one knows even if he would get that far with her. Just don't know what she really has to offer or has STDs. Just don't know what type of women she is really..

[heavenonearth]

She's a cheater. I kind of think once a cheater, always a cheater. It's a character thing. People who are committed just don't do that.

 

I don't think that needs to be necessarily true. I cheated on a few of my partners in my late teens, and then eventually I stopped doing that in my early 20s. But probably also had to do with the fact that these relationships were very destructive and I knew I was being cheated on too, so I had a different attitude about it. I would never ever cheat on my partner now, it's an absolute deal breaker!

 

But I guess if someone is cheating when they are already supposedly mature adults, especially when with kids, that's a different issue.

 

I know my mom cheated on my dad throughout their whole marriage, it's sickening, she can't stop.

 

But everyone's different.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Is she really that hot?

 

Just can't see why would anyone in their right mind put themselves through this.

[tbonie12]

She's very good looking, yes - though they definitely isn't the reason for me being with her. In the beginning we clicked very well and it was really awesome. I didn't "put myself through" anything. In fact - the kids know that the fathers are dead beats and are open about it. It's a conclusion they came to on their own. I appreciated actually being a supportive role in their lives. (and they are just that, fathers, not dad's that have fun with their kids, teach them stuff, etc)

 

But I can't even fathom how a woman with two kids would even think about starting to chat with folks online. It's pretty sickening and sad esp for her kids.

[tbonie12]

I think I've heard enough though, I'm going to break it off...going to be very difficult esp with kids involved. Anyone know the best way to handle something like this?

[coolheadal]

I think I've heard enough though, I'm going to break it off...going to be very difficult esp with kids involved. Anyone know the best way to handle something like this?

 

You go and sit down and have a long talk with her first. Then the two children. If this is what you want to do. Remember there is no turning back on this. It's a lot to deal with.

 

Ex Divorcee Husband

Ex Divorcee Wife Now your GF

His Daugther

Another mans Daughter

YOU!

 

Next time think twice... It's better if you had kids yourself you could figure things out if you love this woman then you get everything coming to you and more. She's a player and she's not going to let you go easy I tell you that much. Both girls will cry if they really cared about you if they don't cry then you know they didn't care about you.

[coolheadal]

She's very good looking, yes - though they definitely isn't the reason for me being with her. In the beginning we clicked very well and it was really awesome. I didn't "put myself through" anything. In fact - the kids know that the fathers are dead beats and are open about it. It's a conclusion they came to on their own. I appreciated actually being a supportive role in their lives. (and they are just that, fathers, not dad's that have fun with their kids, teach them stuff, etc)

 

But I can't even fathom how a woman with two kids would even think about starting to chat with folks online. It's pretty sickening and sad esp for her kids.

 

Oh both dads are dead beats, what a life she had..Kids run the household then. Okay you just sit them around the table and say "listen with everything happening, I am looking to have something one day in the near future but right now have to look elsewhere" I am taking things slow and looking to start my own family one day at time. I am not ready have a family already started and there is way to much going on here for me to take matters in my own hands." Take care you three but I am leaving for good. Bye!

Edited October 16, 2017 by coolheadal

[harrybrown]

you move out and tell her before you move out.

 

Tell her you can't get past the lies.

 

you can tell the daughters how wonderful they are but if they ask for your help, you get pulled back to the mother.

[coolheadal]

you move out and tell her before you move out.

 

Tell her you can't get past the lies.

 

you can tell the daughters how wonderful they are but if they ask for your help, you get pulled back to the mother.

 

This I can agree too, but he daughters seem to be involved in everything also. Odd household but most are this way too. Not going to be easy for him to get away. Even if he did a runner she would go after him.

[tbonie12]

This I can agree too, but he daughters seem to be involved in everything also. Odd household but most are this way too. Not going to be easy for him to get away. Even if he did a runner she would go after him.

 

lol I wouldn't do a runner, it's nothing like that. Truth is, she is childish and makes very poor decisions. This is the stone cold truth. She speaks without a filter about most topics, regardless of anyones feelings. I have umpteen examples to cite on this topic but i'll spare you (unless you're genuinely curious ) But from a logic perspective, I just think she has work to do and a lot of learning. I feel especially bad for her kids, because as a mother, especially in her situation, you should be putting your best foot forward to make sure they get the support they deserve. it's extra sad because the older girl (almost 15, in HS, and beginning to really crave someone to ask important life questions to) has begun to come to me with those questions:

 

What should I do as a major in college?

WHERE should i go to college?

How do I make friends in HS?

etc etc...

 

All questions I happily sat her down and answered. Her mother didn't attend a university, she's in the medical field but didn't need a college degree to do what she does. And the fathers...well...let's say they don't have much insight into college

 

Not to get too personal, but her older one reminds me of myself at that age, and I took her under my wing. She's gone as far as to say she loves me, which haunts me now.

 

I'll probably do it Tuesday night. She has a public speaking presentation today and I don't want to be blamed for her stage fright

Edited October 16, 2017 by tbonie12

[Highndry]

Here's my honest take on the situation:

 

-She has low self esteem, and uses the attention of men to try to validate and build herself up. This will likely never change (therapy would be the only way).

 

-You are out of her league and she knows it. As compared to her two baby daddies, you are far and away a much better man. She "knows" she's going to lose you, she may even be sabotaging things to get to the inevitable end.

 

-She's not worth your effort. You can do much, much better.

 

Best of luck.