Just ended my affair,... tormented by grief

[CindyC86]

I understand how you feel, knowing that you care about one another but also realizing the impossibility of it all, and that it is ultimately unhealthy.

 

In my own life, the thing that I'm realizing is that we're using each other as a crutch. I'm wanting to return to the place where I can stand on my own, and that means that I need to learn how to walk without him. I'm realizing it is about me and my weaknesses. The days that I feel better about myself, I have less desire to reach out. I know he has his own things to deal with but it's not up to me to fix him.

 

You'll need to decide whether you're ok using him to fill the voids that you're missing in your life. It comes at a huge cost. You're married and it undoubtedly impacts the way that you interact with your husband. It impacts your relationships with others in your life as well. Start thinking about if it's worth it now and in the long run. Imagine this going on for another year, another five years. Is this leading you to where you want to be?

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response; it really resonates with me in this moment. Your suggestion of trying to imagine the long term implications is so touching.

 

We have no future. This crutch is just preventing me from finding solutions with my husband, and within myself.

 

I wish I could fast forward to five years from now...

[jah526]

That’s what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

 

(Is it?)

 

Sigh

 

I doubt it. I remember a story I heard about two people who became attracted while married to others. They kissed once, and it scared them both so much they mutually decided to be apart from each other for good. Both went on to live happy lives with their partners, and in old age, after their partners had died, they reconnected. THAT is love. It was self-sacrificing and unselfish. The opposite of what you will find in an affair.

 

But, you know, there is only one way to find out for sure if this is love. You can both blow up your lives and find out.

[Southwardbound]

I think you’re totally right, and I’m just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. It’s hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM don’t really love us either, or see us that way. It’s like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

 

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I don’t even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? That’s what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

 

(Is it?)

 

Sigh

 

I always thought if you love/ feel deeply about someone then:

 

1)It's natural to think about the future & children represent the future in most relationships

2) What is the greatest gift a woman can give besides the love to her man? It's a child. Maybe, that is why you are dreaming about having children with him, & not your H? Maybe, you are questioning unconsciously the core of what is your relationship with your H? And don't see a future with your H?

 

If you tell your H about what's going on, you're taking a huge risk that he might not wish to work out your relationship. So, think wisely before you do it. But, even if you decide not to tell your H, that does not mean you should not communicate about any issues the two of you may have within your relationship. Communicating problems is the first step to resolving them.

Edited October 31, 2017 by Southwardbound

[BluesPower]

Cindy, I want to post something... to you that I posted on another thread just like yours.

 

I don't know if you said that you still loved your husband or not but that may not even matter.

 

Just think about this....

 

****************************************************

 

I want you to think about this from another perspective. I want you to think about how your husband is going to feel when he finds out. Odds are that he will, either someone will rat you out, or one of you will get caught and the other spouse will tell everyone, or you will feel so guilty that you confess as some have.

 

Now this all is based on you actually still loving your husband and him still loving you, but if that is true I want you to understand some of what will happen when he finds out.

 

What you will see is a man, that you at one time saw the benefit in marrying, a man that you loved and had children with...

 

1) You will see that man's soul die in front of your eyes. It will take a few minutes until he starts to realize what you or he is saying, but you will have the view that few people have of watching the soul of someone that you love crumble in front of your eyes. And you will know that your selfishness caused what you are seeing to happen.

 

2) You will see the man that you love or loved become weak in front of your eyes. Whether he was a strong man, or not so strong of a man, you will see any strength that he ever had leave him. He will wonder if he is even a man any more.

 

3) You will see a look of pain on his face that you did not even know existed. In fact, you will be horrified about the amount of pain that you have caused this man, that you once loved.

 

4) And you will see his love for you die a little too. The one woman that he worked hard for, the one woman that he loved, the one woman that he wanted to raise children with... well she screwed him over in the worst way a woman can, by giving herself to another man. The man that she gave herself to is more passionate and better in bed than her husband and you now love that man, not the man that has worked his whole life for his family.

 

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

 

5) You will realize at that point the you have singlehandedly destroyed your entire life with your own 2 hands.

 

So I would like for you to think about what I am telling you. If you think it is an exaggeration, ask some of the men here, or woman, that have been betrayed, if you have the courage.

 

I do wish you luck out of this mess that you are in...

 

***********************************************

 

This is what you are facing. And before you blow this advice and thought off, understand that I have been on both sides of this issue.

 

The things that I am telling you are real, and this is what awaits you if you continue in this affair...

[Bittersweetie]

I want you to think about this from another perspective. I want you to think about how your husband is going to feel when he finds out. Odds are that he will, either someone will rat you out, or one of you will get caught and the other spouse will tell everyone, or you will feel so guilty that you confess as some have.

 

Now this all is based on you actually still loving your husband and him still loving you, but if that is true I want you to understand some of what will happen when he finds out.

 

What you will see is a man, that you at one time saw the benefit in marrying, a man that you loved and had children with...

 

1) You will see that man's soul die in front of your eyes. It will take a few minutes until he starts to realize what you or he is saying, but you will have the view that few people have of watching the soul of someone that you love crumble in front of your eyes. And you will know that your selfishness caused what you are seeing to happen.

 

2) You will see the man that you love or loved become weak in front of your eyes. Whether he was a strong man, or not so strong of a man, you will see any strength that he ever had leave him. He will wonder if he is even a man any more.

 

3) You will see a look of pain on his face that you did not even know existed. In fact, you will be horrified about the amount of pain that you have caused this man, that you once loved.

 

4) And you will see his love for you die a little too. The one woman that he worked hard for, the one woman that he loved, the one woman that he wanted to raise children with... well she screwed him over in the worst way a woman can, by giving herself to another man. The man that she gave herself to is more passionate and better in bed than her husband and you now love that man, not the man that has worked his whole life for his family.

 

BTW, the sex is more passionate and better because for the most part, it is new and forbidden. Not because he really is that much better, and if you had your OM in real life, what would you really have, another cheater like you.

 

5) You will realize at that point the you have singlehandedly destroyed your entire life with your own 2 hands.

 

OMG Blues this made me cry. Because it is exactly what I experienced. It is almost eight years later and his face is still crystal clear in my mind. The raw pain, the absolute horror in his eyes...all because of my choices.

 

Cindy, and others, please take these words to heart. There are no easy choices from this position but there are ones that show strength and integrity. Choose well.

[Ahurtgirl]

So proud of you for ending it. Now the trick is to stay away from him and don't go back to him. It will be the toughest thing you will ever do but you can do it.

Stay strong and save yourself future heartache. It really does get better with time, might be a year of recovery but one day he won't even cross your mind. I'm proof of this. He'll move on to a new woman on the side and you'll be better for it. He's going to hurt yet another female but thankfully you'll be long gone from his manipulating charm. He made you feel special and he'll make his next affair partner feel special but in his mind, you are just another one of his victims. He uses women to feed his ego.

Edited November 1, 2017 by Ahurtgirl

[BigBlueSky]

I think you’re totally right, and I’m just allowing myself to indulge in the fantasy of it all. It’s hard to break from this attachment, and the idea of being perceived in a different light. It seems a lot of the appeal of As to begin with is the chance to be cast in a different version of yourself. We get stuck identifying with the person our spouse or life has deemed us to be, and an AP gives us relief from that suffocating grasp. However, the MM don’t really love us either, or see us that way. It’s like two sick, desperate people projecting on each other to try and explore some aspect of change through each other.

 

I just hate my chemical addiction, and that this man inspires me artistically, and that I have crippling, unrealistic dreams about our impossible children,... I mean, I don’t even have dreams of having children with my spouse. Why does this person have such a deep affect on me? That’s what hurts the most; my inability to definitively cast it off as lust/addiction when it feels like real love.

 

(Is it?)

 

Sigh

 

It's hard to walk away when it feels like real love. However this "real love" is based upon lies, deceit and secrecy. Emotions in affairs are so intense, more intense than it would be in a normal relationship. That's the draw. Your husband can never compete with that. And yet the destruction carried in the wake of affairs are enormous. If that's what you choose, just understand what you are choosing. But if you choose to live out a life without MM, there is never a good time to do it, a less painful time to end it. In fact, the longer you leave it the more painful it will be to walk away. You just need to do it and let yourself heal. And read the stories of those that have been through it. I trust the fact that healing will be excruciating at times, but that better days will be ahead and the pain will lesson as time goes on.

 

Wishing you peace and strength.

[CindyC86]

Finally, this morning brings me some relief. I'm posting today to hold myself accountable, and to hopefully share some helpful things with others in a similar situation.

 

My AP and I had been on and off, NC, and slipping back in until things got too intense for me, and then back to NC. What a pattern of destructive behaviour these past two months. The last time I saw him was in late August, but we have just been dragging it on and on. I won't see him until February (under professional circumstances), but even then, I know it won't be right. I'm worried about seeing him and slipping back into this fog, but hope I can hold strong. I admit that long distance has been a great help for me in this situation, and my heart goes out to those of you who are suffering with your AP within reach.

 

I initiated NC a few days ago again, after being so hurt by it all and hating how I felt constantly waiting for a breadcrumb of a response from him; hating how much time I was devoting in my mind to the affair. I voraciously read through some online articles about ending affairs (again), and found some helpful suggestions which I will share here for others:

 

- conceptualizing a pie diagram and understanding exactly how much time you are spending/wasting on an impossible relationship and understanding the need to reclaim that time

- understanding the effects and illusion of being under the affair fog

- changing habits and patterns of thinking to produce new emotions. Instead of always remembering and reliving and rekindling, learning instead not to feed the flame of desire with old memories, to actively make a choice against your fantasy of the AP.

- replacing how your affair partner made you feel with other options/choices

 

I desperately needed to break the habit, break the idealized fantasy of my AP, break my need for him. I choose my husband, I choose my marriage, and I choose myself. Though I know my AP and I had something very special, it was just a complete impossibility. I also started visualizing more how this would make my husband feel, and also how I would feel if the roles were reversed. These give me strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, even though it's a ****ing struggle sometimes.

 

I read Big Blue Sky's threads, especially 'How to move forward', and it helped me a lot. deadsoul and jenkins wonderful comments, and overtaxed's overt claims of why men enter into affairs really helped me gain some new perspective.

 

I will replace memories of my AP, and replace how he made me feel with other things. If I felt beautiful because of him, I will self care and take care of my skin, develop my body, and find beautiful clothes to fill that void (whatever it takes). If he made me feel cherished, I will cherish myself, and FINALLY allow my husband to cherish me. I recognize I was caught up in the fog of the new love, of the excitement, that I was already predisposed to loving this man of stature, whom I admired and respected, whom I found attractive, and who disarmed me so easily in my weakness. I will admit that one great gift my AP gave me was understanding that I deserved to be loved and cherished, and so now that I am more open and receptive to my husband being the provider of that energy, I can move on safely.

 

And lastly, I used to fantasize about the extremely hot sex and intense connection I had with my AP. Part of the issue with getting over him was my incessant reliving of our impossible experiences, the illicit and exciting nature of it all that was so hard to match in my marriage. I would relive memories of him and it would give me these full body electric reactions, like dopamine flooding into my system; it is not a lie to claim that affairs are like a drug addiction. Stopping the act of fantasizing about him has led to huge gains on moving forward. Even if you have to fantasize about something completely OTHER (Kim Kardashian, etc lol), it breaks the habit! Reclaiming my sexual energy and identity as my own has been so empowering. It belongs to each of us; not to anyone else, not even your spouse.

 

Anyways, I decided to update here in order to write it down in hopes of staying on the line. Even though I haven't posted in a long time, the support and love of the LS community has been a huge help to me. Good luck to others out there.

[DKT3]

How are you holding yourself accountable? By doing what?

 

I see a woman in the exact same place you were months ago when you started posting. Absolutely no progress, oh you haven't contacted him, but you will.

 

You choose your husband, how? What have you ACTUALLY done in action that suggests you have?

 

Just words, ones that you don't mean, that aren't supported by actions.

 

Do nothing different and nothing will change, until you get caught.

[Bittersweetie]

I desperately needed to break the habit, break the idealized fantasy of my AP, break my need for him. I choose my husband, I choose my marriage, and I choose myself. Though I know my AP and I had something very special, it was just a complete impossibility. I also started visualizing more how this would make my husband feel, and also how I would feel if the roles were reversed. These give me strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, even though it's a ****ing struggle sometimes.

 

The above is an important realization, and it is good that you are seeing your actions and their consequences more clearly. DKT3 does have a valid point: how exactly are you holding yourself accountable? As someone who tried to hold herself accountable alone, I know from experience it is very difficult. I failed. I have no doubt that if I hadn't had a d-day I would've failed again. It wasn't until I was accountable to someone else that I finally started to move forward.

 

I'm not saying that you have to tell your H...I will not go into that right now. But is there anyone other than yourself that can hold you accountable? Do you have a therapist? What actions are you taking? Other than being accountable to my H, after d-day other things I did included: Seeing a therapist; reading books about affairs, self-esteem, relationships, marriages; journaling; visiting this site and others like it to read first person reactions to others who did the same thing I did.

 

Those are just some suggestions. Good luck.

[grass-hopper]

Good to see your update and your hopefulness in getting through the difficulty of an affair, the fog, the self realization, the missing, the guilt, the consequences

 

I can empathize with you. I can relate to everything you write and I know you have true intentions in getting through this. An affair is difficult to come to terms with once you start breaking it down and realizing all the roles you’ve played in it.

 

Those things that bittersweet mentioned

Therapy, reading books on affairs, marriage, addiction, self help, journaling, this site are all helpful in getting through it.

I know at times I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere and I come to LS to update and I get responses that feel harsh but it’s the truth that I need to hear and the truth that I am no where near being over the affair. Many were right when they said it only gets harder. It really does. But don’t give up! You’re on the right path.

[CindyC86]

I am going to therapy, reading many books, spending a lot of time in self reflection and journaling. Though DK3 is fair to be skeptical, I feel as if this time things are very different. The fever has broken, and the fog has lifted.

 

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

 

Thank you, grasshopper, for your support. It means a lot to me. I hope you are doing well, too! Stay strong. We can get through this.

[BigBlueSky]

Glad to hear an update, Cindy! It sounds like you've been doing a lot of work on yourself and coming to a lot of realizations. I like your list of things that have helped you. What's been helping me a lot is being able to touch base with members of loveshack through PM. I think once you've made 50 posts you have access to that feature so keep posting! I have people I check with regularly to make sure I'm on track and to talk things through with.

 

I'm glad reading my thread helped you. There are so many helpful people there that post and I am so thankful for that. Actually, I was having a rough week and your comment prompted me to read my thread again. It reminded me of what I'd experience and thought, and why I don't want to go back there. So, thank you!

[Bittersweetie]

I am going to therapy, reading many books, spending a lot of time in self reflection and journaling. Though DK3 is fair to be skeptical, I feel as if this time things are very different. The fever has broken, and the fog has lifted.

 

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

 

Thank you, grasshopper, for your support. It means a lot to me. I hope you are doing well, too! Stay strong. We can get through this.

 

Cindy, I am glad you are doing those things, that is great. However, I am going to respectfully disagree re: telling the H and monogamy. The reason being, I told myself the same thing about humans and monogamy when I was in the A. So right now I would wonder if this opinion is justification of your actions or your true feelings (which, if it is, is your H aware of your feelings on monogamy? Did he know this belief about you before you married?)

 

Keep moving forward!

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

 

.

 

I actually agree with this. For me, well he found out but I told him the rest because it was at the point where it was either we had to fix this marriage or end it. We were each very unhappy and he had a right to go off and live his own life as well as did I.

 

But, if you feel your marriage is fine and this is your own personal issue and struggle, then yes, I don't think there is anything to be gained by dumping your crap all over the other person who had nothing to do with it, wrecking their life. Unless you want to get divorced basically. It's complete hell to live with a spouse after an affair. I mean it is horrible. Trust me, getting divorced is easier than rebuilding. It takes years. If you bring a D day upon you, you best be sure you know why you are doing it.

 

I do believe monogamy is a choice and it's hard. People are weak, susceptible to flattery and attention. Until you've been there, you can't quite understand. That said, once you go through several years of hell, hopefully the lesson is learned and like tequila shots, you have learned your lesson.

[DKT3]

Whatever life a couple decide to share is between them and only for them to decide.

 

However, I believe OP is being disingenuous with what she is saying because she has made an unilateral decision to have a one sided open marriage. If she truly believed what she was saying then she would be eager to tell her husband and offer him that same wonderful opportunity to have sex with whomever he liked.i believe that you truly believe what you're saying, but sometimes people in affairs can't trust Thier logic.

 

So, are.you willing and would you be happy for him to enjoy other women?

Edited December 19, 2017 by DKT3

[deadsoul]

Finally, this morning brings me some relief. I'm posting today to hold myself accountable, and to hopefully share some helpful things with others in a similar situation.

 

My AP and I had been on and off, NC, and slipping back in until things got too intense for me, and then back to NC. What a pattern of destructive behaviour these past two months. The last time I saw him was in late August, but we have just been dragging it on and on. I won't see him until February (under professional circumstances), but even then, I know it won't be right. I'm worried about seeing him and slipping back into this fog, but hope I can hold strong. I admit that long distance has been a great help for me in this situation, and my heart goes out to those of you who are suffering with your AP within reach.

 

I initiated NC a few days ago again, after being so hurt by it all and hating how I felt constantly waiting for a breadcrumb of a response from him; hating how much time I was devoting in my mind to the affair. I voraciously read through some online articles about ending affairs (again), and found some helpful suggestions which I will share here for others:

 

- conceptualizing a pie diagram and understanding exactly how much time you are spending/wasting on an impossible relationship and understanding the need to reclaim that time

- understanding the effects and illusion of being under the affair fog

- changing habits and patterns of thinking to produce new emotions. Instead of always remembering and reliving and rekindling, learning instead not to feed the flame of desire with old memories, to actively make a choice against your fantasy of the AP.

- replacing how your affair partner made you feel with other options/choices

 

I desperately needed to break the habit, break the idealized fantasy of my AP, break my need for him. I choose my husband, I choose my marriage, and I choose myself. Though I know my AP and I had something very special, it was just a complete impossibility. I also started visualizing more how this would make my husband feel, and also how I would feel if the roles were reversed. These give me strength to carry on day by day, hour by hour, even though it's a ****ing struggle sometimes.

 

I read Big Blue Sky's threads, especially 'How to move forward', and it helped me a lot. deadsoul and jenkins wonderful comments, and overtaxed's overt claims of why men enter into affairs really helped me gain some new perspective.

 

I will replace memories of my AP, and replace how he made me feel with other things. If I felt beautiful because of him, I will self care and take care of my skin, develop my body, and find beautiful clothes to fill that void (whatever it takes). If he made me feel cherished, I will cherish myself, and FINALLY allow my husband to cherish me. I recognize I was caught up in the fog of the new love, of the excitement, that I was already predisposed to loving this man of stature, whom I admired and respected, whom I found attractive, and who disarmed me so easily in my weakness. I will admit that one great gift my AP gave me was understanding that I deserved to be loved and cherished, and so now that I am more open and receptive to my husband being the provider of that energy, I can move on safely.

 

And lastly, I used to fantasize about the extremely hot sex and intense connection I had with my AP. Part of the issue with getting over him was my incessant reliving of our impossible experiences, the illicit and exciting nature of it all that was so hard to match in my marriage. I would relive memories of him and it would give me these full body electric reactions, like dopamine flooding into my system; it is not a lie to claim that affairs are like a drug addiction. Stopping the act of fantasizing about him has led to huge gains on moving forward. Even if you have to fantasize about something completely OTHER (Kim Kardashian, etc lol), it breaks the habit! Reclaiming my sexual energy and identity as my own has been so empowering. It belongs to each of us; not to anyone else, not even your spouse.

Anyways, I decided to update here in order to write it down in hopes of staying on the line. Even though I haven't posted in a long time, the support and love of the LS community has been a huge help to me. Good luck to others out there.

 

 

This was timely for me to read, thank you for this.... I was really with you on the fantasy part until you mentioned Kim Kardashian.... but I guess she really DOES work killing the fantasy. ;-)

 

Re: confessing... that's your personal choice. I do believe you can still grow and recommit to your marriage without confessing. You will get a lot of feedback about this, but do what you feel is best for you and your situation. I confessed. I don't regret it... but regret what it did to my H.

 

Stay accountable. That's key. Keep posting! Stay NC and focus on you and rebuilding your life and marriage.

[CindyC86]

DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

 

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

 

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

 

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.

[DKT3]

DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

 

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

 

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

 

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.

 

Again, not sound logic. It makes sense to you because you want it too. Example, say one hasn't eaten in two days when you walk upon someone enjoying a wonderful meal, one could make a logical decision to murder that person for that meal, logical but not sound.

 

Nothing you are saying is sound, you say "hold myself accountable" well your sleeping with another man so that isn't working. You really can't white knuckle yourself through this with shady logic and self serving reasoning.

 

All.of that animal stuff is rubbish, because humans have the ability to reason and anticipate how our actions will negatively impact others.

 

So you desire to be with multiple men, that's your business, however you have a responsibility towards your husband 1) to allow him to decide how many people he is willing to have is health and life at risk for 2) understand what risks his life is in 3) to decide what kind of person he wants to spend his life with.

 

I disagree that you are doing this for his benefit, we hear that same line here everyday. You are doing it because in large part you know he wouldn't accept you sleeping with someone else. Lastly, how could you be so sure that he wouldn't be happier knowing exactly what he is married to and having the choice to decide what you truly are is someone he isn't interested in spending his life with?

 

People who truly love wants what's best, what's best is usually what that person decides.

[elaine567]

I agree with DKT3.

All this high minded "I choose my husband, I choose my marriage..." has now disintegrated into a diatribe against monogamy?????

 

It is all simply justification for cheating on your husband.

Of course Dday is not on the cards, of course he doesn't need to know, of course he would be very hurt, of course "I will spare him the pain..."

How magnanimous of you...

 

ALL designed to keep the affair under wraps and to keep cake eating with no consequences.

 

I believe some people are at their core monogamous and do not/will not/cannot comprehend cheating/open marriages or any other practices where more than one lover is involved, whilst others are not monogamous and never really will be completely, so cheating is always an option for them.

 

You, I guess are of the latter variety and you really have no business deceiving your husband into thinking all is hunky dory in his world.

Go find a man whose beliefs match your own, set up an open marriage, see and sleep with as many men as you want, but leave your husband to go find a truly loyal woman.

 

(ATM I guess you are now just free wheeling until February, when you will see the OM again...)

[BTDT2012]

It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there.

 

You are justifying your decision to break the marriage covenant, pretty much giving yourself permission to do it again in the future. There really is a simple solution for people who don't wish to be monogamous, 1. Don't marry 2. marry someone who feels the same.

[S2B]

DKT3 and bittersweetie, yes, we have discussed (I have brought up) opening our marriage several times over the years. However, it is my husband who isn't interested in it, and as a result, I remain choked off and feel restricted. Again, we married very young and though I knew I was much more 'free' than he was, it wasn't something that was fully fleshed out in my early 20s and that I was able to articulate at that time. It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there. I really like Esther Perel's analogy that if we are recovering alcoholics and make a mistake and have a drink once or twice in twenty years, we are still doing extraordinarily well; but we have this completely unrealistic idea about monogamy, and if you have even one transgression, all of a sudden you are a monster.

 

Anyways, yes, no d day for me because it doesn't seem like it would help anyone.

 

Big Blue Sky, hang in there! You are an inspiration for so many people on this forum

 

Though today I felt 'bored' and was curious to look into my AP, I managed to resist the urge. I truly feel as if I've turned a corner. Some days are harder than others, but I just have to continue making the right choices.

 

Then get divorced.

 

You want to argue your case for why monogamy isn't realistic = then stop being married!

 

Proper order is key. After your D is final you can do what you want to - but proper order helps in causing harm.

 

Yes, people having affairs cause lots of harm. Harm to self, harm to others. If you intend to date them simply divorce your H!

[stillafool]

bittersweetie, I don't think I want to engage in a d day because in my opinion, that doesn't help anyone; it only hurts my husband more. The thing with many people on this forum (especially betrayed spouses) is that they seem to subscribe to the idea that monogamy is actually a realistic, natural human behaviour, when in fact, it is anything but. Humans have been struggling against monogamy since the beginning of time, or finding ways around the confines of that contract. In my opinion, it's better to not hurt my spouse my telling him the truth, since I love him more than ever. I know this will be hard for a lot of people to understand, but believe me, there are many people in the world who can love more than one person at the same time.

 

 

If you struggle with monogamy and find it impossible perhaps you would do better to be single. Does your husband know this is a struggle for you?

[stillafool]

It take time to develop your sexuality fully, and because society's limitations on monogamy are that it should last forever, I think it's actually led to a lot of problems for people in marriages. It is an unrealistic expectation to be with only one mate for the majority of your life. Humans are animals after all, and there's only so much control and restriction we can stomach without making an accident here and there.

 

If you really feel this way divorce your husband and be single. Why hold on to him knowing you want to cheat? He has every right to know what he has been exposed to and to make a choice to choose another woman who has no problem staying faithful to him. With your attitude and desires you can't be trusted to remain faithful.

[Bittersweetie]

Okay Cindy...you have wanted an open marriage for a while. Your husband knows this but does not want an open marriage. You went ahead and opened the marriage on your side anyway. How exactly then are you going to reconnect and reconcile with your husband if you still feel the same way about monogamy as you did before the affair?

 

I am not minimizing your opinion, but I am confused on how you see yourself reconciling with your husband after an affair when you don't truly believe in monogamy, which is what marriage means for many people, including it seems your husband.

 

I guess what I'm asking is: how do you picture your marriage with your H moving forward? And is that picture realistic considering both of your feelings?

Edited December 19, 2017 by Bittersweetie