Did you get an "I'm sorry"?

[road]

Yes, but too late. At first I was so shocked that all I could think of was how brave she had been.

 

After a while I wondered why it didn't make me feel any better.

 

After thinking about it for a while I realised that it didn't mean a thing - to approach me in the first year after dday when I was still raw, and when a little compassion and remorse might have helped, would have been brave. Now when most of the pain had at least partially healed over was simply self-serving and pointless. It probably made her feel good, she knew I wasn't the type to start a cat fight, and all it did was bring it all back to the forefront of my mind and made me chew it all over again.

 

She has long been forgiven, at least I don't care about her anymore, the apology was unneccesary.

 

It is hard to admit to oneself that they were wrong.

 

Another harder level to apologize.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

If you are a bs, did you ever get any sort of apology from the ow/om?

 

No. Over the years I haven't heard a peep from the OM. From what I can tell, once the affair was over they went their separate ways and never contacted each other.

 

I have contacted him a few times electronically and by mail, but he has never responded to my communications. After hearing some of the horror stories on here about APs, that's a good thing.

[wmacbride]

Some ow and om can, and do offer a heartfelt apology.

 

Others pay lip service , and others don't even bother. Just my opinion, but those who don' are usually so focused on the affair being everyone elses fault that they can't see their own role in it.

[Birdies]

I considered it, and even posted in an infidelity site asking if BW would appreciate hearing a brief, seemingly sincere apology from the OW for her role in the painful fallout from the A. They responded nearly unilaterally that they would rather eat dog sht than hear from the scum OW, and that I would only do that to purposely inflict further pain and suffering on the BW. As that was not the case, and since I only considered it if it would be a welcome or healing advance in any way, obviously I didn't go through with it.

 

The BW in my scenario had a prolonged EA with a married man, and his marriage ended in divorce - so at least I know that she's been on both sides of the coin and perhaps can better understand how one becomes an OW.

 

PS - Just for context. In my situation, the AP and I are still together. While I don't necessarily agree with it, I can definitely understand the rationale of "If you were sorry, you wouldn't still be with him." I think both things can exist at once. I hate to my core that we hurt people who we deeply care about, and I would take it all back if I could. At the same time - we can't take it back, the damage is done, and we love each other very much - so we are together. But I'm still very, very sorry.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Birdies

[Whoknew30]

I considered it, and even posted in an infidelity site asking if BW would appreciate hearing a brief, seemingly sincere apology from the OW for her role in the painful fallout from the A. They responded nearly unilaterally that they would rather eat dog sht than hear from the scum OW, and that I would only do that to purposely inflict further pain and suffering on the BW. As that was not the case, and since I only considered it if it would be a welcome or healing advance in any way, obviously I didn't go through with it.

 

The BW in my scenario had a prolonged EA with a married man, and his marriage ended in divorce - so at least I know that she's been on both sides of the coin and perhaps can better understand how one becomes an OW.

 

PS - Just for context. In my situation, the AP and I are still together. While I don't necessarily agree with it, I can definitely understand the rationale of "If you were sorry, you wouldn't still be with him." I think both things can exist at once. I hate to my core that we hurt people who we deeply care about, and I would take it all back if I could. At the same time - we can't take it back, the damage is done, and we love each other very much - so we are together. But I'm still very, very sorry.

 

I've been a WS/BS & "technically" a OW bc he had a gf. I was surprised I got an "I'm sorry" but how I see it is, if someone is really in love with your spouse, then they're never going to be "really sorry". It just doesn't work that way. They may be sorry for the situation but "all is fair in love & war". I understood that, this girl loved my H of course she isn't going to "like" or truly care about my feelings.

 

I personally don't understand why it matters? If a WS leaves for their AP, I believe they're doing their BS a favor, why would anyone want someone that doesn't love them? If the couple reconciles (truly reconciles) them the AP shouldn't matter anyways, if it's false reconciliation, then it's still the WS fault bc they're good on their own free will.

 

I understand why a BS would not want to be best friends with the AP (& I know some ex AP are crazy) but if one's spouse can't stop cheating or left you're for AP I truly believe they were going to anyways.

 

I just personally think getting caught up on the OM/OW is detrimental to a BS bc the more one focuses on them the more they've handed power to them when the only people that have power in a marriage are the spouses.

Edited October 10, 2017 by Whoknew30
Spell check

[painfullyobvious]

I never got the words "I am sorry" but I got a lot of crying because she got caught. After months of making me feel paranoid, discounting my intuition and other lies she was finally caught. Immediately she was saddened and upset about her cheating and after of few hours, it turned into gaslighting, excuses and how I just did not make her feel special anymore.

 

Apologies would not have made a difference because the behavior did not stop and she only was upset because she was busted. "I am sorry" is if you bump into someone by accident, forget to bring home something from the store or something minor. Having another man or woman's privates in or around another person's body is a serious choice of selfishness. "I am sorry" would not have cut it for me anyway.

[wmacbride]

I considered it, and even posted in an infidelity site asking if BW would appreciate hearing a brief, seemingly sincere apology from the OW for her role in the painful fallout from the A. They responded nearly unilaterally that they would rather eat dog sht than hear from the scum OW, and that I would only do that to purposely inflict further pain and suffering on the BW. As that was not the case, and since I only considered it if it would be a welcome or healing advance in any way, obviously I didn't go through with it.

 

The BW in my scenario had a prolonged EA with a married man, and his marriage ended in divorce - so at least I know that she's been on both sides of the coin and perhaps can better understand how one becomes an OW.

 

PS - Just for context. In my situation, the AP and I are still together. While I don't necessarily agree with it, I can definitely understand the rationale of "If you were sorry, you wouldn't still be with him." I think both things can exist at once. I hate to my core that we hurt people who we deeply care about, and I would take it all back if I could. At the same time - we can't take it back, the damage is done, and we love each other very much - so we are together. But I'm still very, very sorry.

 

 

In this case,the apology would be about making yourself feel better, as it doesn't sound like something she would welcome or appreciate.

 

You were smart to leave it alone. It likley would just have opened the hornet's nest all over again, and what good would that for any of you?

[Birdies]

In this case,the apology would be about making yourself feel better, as it doesn't sound like something she would welcome or appreciate.

 

You were smart to leave it alone. It likley would just have opened the hornet's nest all over again, and what good would that for any of you?

 

That's what I was trying to gauge - whether it would be anything more than making ME feel better? If a sincere apology acknowledging my extreme moral shortcomings and apologizing for the effect they had on her would have been appreciated, I would have liked to do that for her sake. Because I am very sorry that someone else is suffering in part due to my actions, and if anything I could say to her would reduce that suffering, I would happily do it. But yeah, it seems as though BW usually don't appreciate it and either doubt the veracity or the motives of the apology (for good and obvious reasons of course). So I left it well enough alone.

 

The responses here also seem to indicate that it generally wouldn't be taken well. Interesting question, and thank you for posing it.

[road]

I considered it, and even posted in an infidelity site asking if BW would appreciate hearing a brief, seemingly sincere apology from the OW for her role in the painful fallout from the A. They responded nearly unilaterally that they would rather eat dog sht than hear from the scum OW, and that I would only do that to purposely inflict further pain and suffering on the BW. As that was not the case, and since I only considered it if it would be a welcome or healing advance in any way, obviously I didn't go through with it.

 

The BW in my scenario had a prolonged EA with a married man, and his marriage ended in divorce - so at least I know that she's been on both sides of the coin and perhaps can better understand how one becomes an OW.

 

PS - Just for context. In my situation, the AP and I are still together. While I don't necessarily agree with it, I can definitely understand the rationale of "If you were sorry, you wouldn't still be with him." I think both things can exist at once. I hate to my core that we hurt people who we deeply care about, and I would take it all back if I could. At the same time - we can't take it back, the damage is done, and we love each other very much - so we are together. But I'm still very, very sorry.

 

If you cared you would not accept ill gotten gains.

Just more false justification.

[Birdies]

If you cared you would not accept ill gotten gains.

Just more false justification.

 

Well you're certainly entitled to that opinion, and like I said, I understand why one would think that way.

 

I don't see the world as quite that black and white. For instance, one might say that since she cheated on him first, she didn't really love him and shouldn't be hurt by his affair. I think both things can exist at once. Just as I think I can love him and also deeply regret that people were hurt in the process.

 

Anyway I don't want to t/j this thread any more, but I appreciate the interesting topic as it's one I've thought about quite a bit.

[lostgirl87]

If you cared you would not accept ill gotten gains.

Just more false justification.

So Birdies is supposed to not be with the man she loves b/c of the way it started? Please.

 

One can feel bad for the effects of one’s actions but that doesn’t mean a person needs to forego their happiness. I know I feel badly that I contributed to someone else’s pain but I’m not going to leave my boyfriend b/c of that. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t meet under different circumstances but those were the cards we were dealt and the hand we decided to play. Of course it was wrong and I do genuinely feel bad but sometimes bad things happen. Yes it was a conscious decision but again, sometimes things in life just happen.

 

I for one did apologize to the BW a few months ago when I confessed to the affair. However that apology was worthless b/c we resumed the emotional aspect of the affair a few weeks later and eventually they filed for divorce. In my case, an apology would never mean anything and would most likely cause even more hurt and anger to the BW. That doesn’t mean I am not sorry for hurting her. I really am. I’m not proud of it. But saying anything to her wouldn’t fix anything or make her feel better so I’ll never actually say anything to her.

[road]

Well you're certainly entitled to that opinion, and like I said, I understand why one would think that way.

 

I don't see the world as quite that black and white. For instance, one might say that since she cheated on him first, she didn't really love him and shouldn't be hurt by his affair. I think both things can exist at once. Just as I think I can love him and also deeply regret that people were hurt in the process.

 

Anyway I don't want to t/j this thread any more, but I appreciate the interesting topic as it's one I've thought about quite a bit.

 

 

Bolded is just more false justification. Two wrongs never

make a right.

[road]

So Birdies is supposed to not be with the man she loves b/c of the way it started? Please.

 

One can feel bad for the effects of one’s actions but that doesn’t mean a person needs to forego their happiness. I know I feel badly that I contributed to someone else’s pain but I’m not going to leave my boyfriend b/c of that. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t meet under different circumstances but those were the cards we were dealt and the hand we decided to play. Of course it was wrong and I do genuinely feel bad but sometimes bad things happen. Yes it was a conscious decision but again, sometimes things in life just happen.

 

I for one did apologize to the BW a few months ago when I confessed to the affair. However that apology was worthless b/c we resumed the emotional aspect of the affair a few weeks later and eventually they filed for divorce. In my case, an apology would never mean anything and would most likely cause even more hurt and anger to the BW. That doesn’t mean I am not sorry for hurting her. I really am. I’m not proud of it. But saying anything to her wouldn’t fix anything or make her feel better so I’ll never actually say anything to her.

 

From a person that is doing false justification being a OW.

How can you have an affair and take the risk that the BW

will never find out or never get hurt.

 

Such behavior does not reflect much value in the "I'm not proud".

 

If something is so shameful then why even partake of it

in the first place?

 

Don't and then there will be no shame, only pride in doing

the right choice.

[lostgirl87]

From a person that is doing false justification being a OW.

How can you have an affair and take the risk that the BW

will never find out or never get hurt.

 

Such behavior does not reflect much value in the "I'm not proud".

 

If something is so shameful then why even partake of it

in the first place?

 

Don't and then there will be no shame, only pride in doing

the right choice.

Well I’m not in an affair nor am I an OW anymore. My boyfriend is soon to be divorced and we are happy.

 

I was never ashamed but I also wasn’t screaming “I’m dating a married man” from the rooftops. My family knew. People at work knew. My friends knew. Again, it happened but I don’t regret it. I just feel badly that someone got hurt. Obviously a stranger’s pain wasn’t enough to stop me but that doesn’t mean I enjoyed it either. This is why an apology from me wouldn’t benefit the BS in any way. No matter what, I still contributed to her pain and that’s unforgivable. I understand that and I’ll have to live with that.

[Steve51]

I got a phone call and I'm sorry 47 years after the fact. The best part was hearing about how bad her life was after she cheated. Drug addiction, mental illness, pregnant by unknown man, cheating on her husband and finally ending with her marriage to another woman. Even better was seeing a picture of her as she appears now. It gives me nightmares.

 

PS - she had a box of all the things I ever gave her as well as all the pictures of us. She saved them for 47 years.

[Birdies]

Bolded is just more false justification. Two wrongs never

make a right.

 

Well you entirely missed the point but eh, that's fine.

[wmacbride]

That's what I was trying to gauge - whether it would be anything more than making ME feel better? If a sincere apology acknowledging my extreme moral shortcomings and apologizing for the effect they had on her would have been appreciated, I would have liked to do that for her sake. Because I am very sorry that someone else is suffering in part due to my actions, and if anything I could say to her would reduce that suffering, I would happily do it. But yeah, it seems as though BW usually don't appreciate it and either doubt the veracity or the motives of the apology (for good and obvious reasons of course). So I left it well enough alone.

 

The responses here also seem to indicate that it generally wouldn't be taken well. Interesting question, and thank you for posing it.

 

This is just my own opinion, but in some ways, an apology that came after some time and refection could be very meaningful.

 

To me, it would indicate that the person had taken time and effort to try and understand what they had done. It might also put the bs in a position where they are mentally tying up loose ends ( I don;t know if I'm making sense here...but I am trying ) and need to let it go.An apology might be a piece of that puzzle.

 

I can understand how it could be a difficult situation for an ow/om who is remorseful to navigate.

[wmacbride]

So Birdies is supposed to not be with the man she loves b/c of the way it started? Please.

 

One can feel bad for the effects of one’s actions but that doesn’t mean a person needs to forego their happiness. I know I feel badly that I contributed to someone else’s pain but I’m not going to leave my boyfriend b/c of that. It’s unfortunate that we didn’t meet under different circumstances but those were the cards we were dealt and the hand we decided to play. Of course it was wrong and I do genuinely feel bad but sometimes bad things happen. Yes it was a conscious decision but again, sometimes things in life just happen.

 

I for one did apologize to the BW a few months ago when I confessed to the affair. However that apology was worthless b/c we resumed the emotional aspect of the affair a few weeks later and eventually they filed for divorce. In my case, an apology would never mean anything and would most likely cause even more hurt and anger to the BW. That doesn’t mean I am not sorry for hurting her. I really am. I’m not proud of it. But saying anything to her wouldn’t fix anything or make her feel better so I’ll never actually say anything to her.

 

To be honest, in your situation, an apology would very likely ring hollow and be meaningless to the bs.

 

If you flip the situation around to her point of view, you have asked her to pay the price for your happiness. I can completely understand how an apology wouldn't mean very much to her at all.

[knabe]

There is a school of thought that sorry and remorse are irrelevant as long as outward behavior has changed. You and 99% of all normal people are an illustration of why that is hogwash. I mean...."Yes, I will not be accountable and trustworthy, but I am not sorry I slept with someone else." Really??? THAT is a healthy recovery.

 

Remorse IS important to most people who aren't robots. I truly hope your spouse is able to give you what you need.