Great 1 yr relationship...BUT

[olivetree]

Well, I'm probably the only one that doesn't find your partner "abusive".

I guess I believe you when you say you're pretty happy.

 

It's not nice or ideal, but these comments spread out over a year sound like someone who is just super blunt and a bit insensitive and it takes a man with thick skin to date her.

Hell, maybe she even had PMS when she said some of these things!

But I don't think she is intentionally trying to hurt you, OP.

She could definitely be more tolerant / keep things to herself though.

 

What I don't like is that she doesn't contribute $$ (entitled) and she makes fun of your monster's hobby.

I think making fun of something that you really like and that is part of you is stepping over the line.

I'd talk to her about those issues and being more tactful / keeping some things to herself.

[dumbass2]

I realize you only mentioned some negatives but for a long term relationship they are not small issues. It does appear that you are a too tolerant and are going to need to take some tougher stances on things that are really bugging you and not just accept her condescending attitude on things you mentioned. Also you have to make sure she is paying her fair share. I don't like the rich boyfriend line. She sounds a bit entitled. You've got something's to try and work through before you take the next meaningful step in the relationship. Don't just accept the way you are being treated as it is obviously really bothering you. It would me also.

Whatever you do, don't feel that you have to stay in a relationship that's not entirely what you want just because of your age. I have a friend that is accepting an unhappy relationship because he's afraid he won't be able to find someone else because he's 54.

[No_Go]

Reading this myself, please remember these are a few examples from over a year long relationship, it's hard to take this out of context.

95% of the we are perfect together, just that 5% I think needs advice

 

I thought the same for my ex, but now exactly an year post-break up - I realize I was kidding myself we're good just because I hate dating in my guts.

 

I always just felt anxious in the relationship, I was whiny and cranky for no reason.

 

After the break up I realized how many hobbies, things I enjoy, people I enjoy, I have given up on while with him to make us 'fit' better.

 

Tonight I am throwing a celebration for myself for getting out of this hell of a relationship before making a stupid move like getting engaged or buying a house with him (both were in the works when we broke up - I'm happily single now and bought my dream house mere months after exiting the RL).

 

Sometimes you need to take a step back. One year is a good time to reevaluate things, I know it's hard when you're 'in' it, but just saying, break up sucks but less then divorce...

[Gaeta]

Firstly:

She tends to complain a lot about me.

But it can be relentless.

 

Firstly, I didn't have change for the car park, and she told me: "You should be better prepared and have change" Then when I got to the entrance the etickets I bought online hadn't been sent to my email address.

"Why didn't you check first?" "OMG you're so disorganized"

 

Then as we look at the Meerkats, she started complaining about something else (can't remember what, it was trivial)

 

In that ONE trip to the zoo she managed to complain from beginning to end and you want us to believe she doesn't do that almost every day?

 

But always she doubts my abilities. I admit I do tend to make decision quickly, while she agonies over every detail (Think Chidi from The Good Place, if you watch that show).

 

So despite successfully helping her in so many ways over the past year, I feel she still doesn’t trust me to do anything without her supervision, if I suggest that something is sorted, she will always check herself, and if something isn’t 100% correct, she will surely tell me allll about it..

 

Notice the key word here is 'always'. She always doubts your ability, she always tells you if something is not correct yet you insist she does that only 5% of the time. Sorry always = she does it 100% of the time.

 

She doesn’t like my hobby, at all! OK, it’s unusual, I paint fantasy monsters, so it’s not exactly your standard male hobby. At first, she just dismissed it as “kid’s stiff” but lately she has been saying that all the bad monsters in the house are bad karma, and jokingly (or was it?) that they contributed to her health issues.

 

But while driving she pointed at the album art and said, what’s all these ugly pictures now? The example was Hozier, which for some reason she didn’t like.

 

She is condescending toward you. Laughing at something you like is indicative she has no respect for who you are. Combined with everything this woman considers you inferior that's why she allows herself to talk to you like this, I am not even addressing the fact she thinks she is entitled to a house you'll pay and put her name on. That's the icing on the cake.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Gaeta

[joseb]

 

 

 

She is condescending toward you. Laughing at something you like is indicative she has no respect for who you are. Combined with everything this woman considers you inferior that's why she allows herself to talk to you like this, I am not even addressing the fact she thinks she is entitled to a house you'll pay and put her name on. That's the icing on the cake.

 

Yeah I woukd not put up with her crappy behaviour for very long.

 

But it really does sound like she is using you as a large wallet.

 

Why did she leave a career in China to move? How well did she know the guy? Is it possible she just used him to get her foot in the door, and then orchestrated a divorce to cash out (you said yourself she got a large settlement for a short marriage)

 

I really don't like the sound of her one bit personality wise, and I would not trust her at all from what you have said so far. Be very very careful. Try to look at this objectively, and honestly access if she might be setting you up.

[elaine567]

Does she have children?

Sounds like she is treating you like a child.

She maybe sees herself as the adult correcting you as the child when you got it wrong. She lost respect for you as a man when you had no change and messed up the etickets too, she resorted to being the parent.

 

She doesn't actually trust you to get it right, so needs to check up on you all the time.

I guess she dismisses the music, album art and your monster paintings as childish pursuits and so she is unenthusiastic and critical.

I guess she feels more intelligent and more "grown up" and superior to you, so she has naturally slipped into the parent role.

 

I guess she is either a manipulator who is out to get as much out of you as she can, or she doesn't actually trust in your ability to look after her interests so feels the need to take charge.

After being screwed over by the ex, she will not want to get into a position where she is vulnerable to the whims of a man again either...

 

Cross cultural relationships can be hard, because it is the nuances and differences in communication and cultural norms that can be so easily misinterpreted.

You may speak the same language but how you view the world and how she views the world may be poles apart.

 

(BTW I read your last thread under yxalitis, is this woman J or G or some other woman all together?)

[Cookiesandough]

 

Cross cultural relationships can be hard, because it is the nuances and differences in communication and cultural norms that can be so easily misinterpreted.

You may speak the same language but how you view the world and how she views the world may be poles apart.

 

(BTW I read your last thread under yxalitis, is this woman J or G or some other woman all together?)

True, axperson who speaks your language has a grievance are able to say it a softer way, or teasing, but people who don't speak the language can sometimes seem really harsh or blunt without intending to

[olivetree]

True, axperson who speaks your language has a grievance are able to say it a softer way, or teasing, but people who don't speak the language can sometimes seem really harsh or blunt without intending to

 

Yeah, that's why I don't think this is abuse.

For me, abuse requires the intention to hurt someone else.

 

I know of Asian woman who are just super blunt/critical but they don't mean to hurt anyone.

Takes someone from the same culture or with thick skin and a sense of humour to handle it.

[joseb]

Yeah, that's why I don't think this is abuse.

For me, abuse requires the intention to hurt someone else.

 

I know of Asian woman who are just super blunt/critical but they don't mean to hurt anyone.

Takes someone from the same culture or with thick skin and a sense of humour to handle it.

 

Ive dated a lot of Asian women, including a couple of Chinese. Not one of them has spoken to me like this. I think this goes way beyond being blunt or critical or cultural differences.

 

I'd love to hear the husbands story.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah, that's why I don't think this is abuse.

For me, abuse requires the intention to hurt someone else.

 

I know of Asian woman who are just super blunt/critical but they don't mean to hurt anyone.

Takes someone from the same culture or with thick skin and a sense of humour to handle it.

 

Lol. One of my older distant Asian relatives when I was visiting told me when I was *23 "You are old now! You marry age. Why you so old no marry?"

 

 

I was shocked like "girl whaaaat"

Edited October 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[spiderowl]

Strangely enough, the thing that struck a chord with me (you might say literally) is the fact that music means nothing to her. Music matters a great deal to me and I find it difficult to feel a real connection with anyone who does not relate to music in a meaningful way. I can't imagine being with someone who does not have that wavelength. It would feel like a massive hole in the relationship somehow. I tend to see non-musical people as being rather alien. I cannot imagine marrying one. The capacity to appreciate music is more than just enjoying sounds; it is a whole area of artistic sensitivity that extends beyond music. I feel it is connected with empathy too. Does she have real empathy? Her words would suggest not.

[Chilli]

SM ,just wondering , does she ever heave any praise on you and compliments, admiration , tell you things you do and things about you, things she loves about you?

[Chilli]

In other ways how does she treat you in general is she good to you, does she like spoiling you and looking after you and stuff.

[PogoStick]

Met this girl just over a year ago, and after dating many girls I finally found "the one" We are living together, renting and saving for a house.

 

I basically feel unappreciated, I have done so much to help her, and yet I still feel judged by her whenever anything I organise anything.

 

So, what do guys think?

 

Sounds like a normal Asian woman to me. Her job is the raise the kids and oversee the house. That includes berating you into making more money so she can have a better life.

 

You need to take the Red Pill.

 

A real man wouldn't put up with all that BS. You shouldn't continually do sht for an unappreciative woman. You should treat her well because she earns it and deserves it, not because you're trying to win her appreciation. She's a nagging PITA woman. You should dump her tomorrow. You haven't done this because you have not yet realized your potential as a real man. You don't believe in yourself, nor your ability to find a much better woman. Otherwise, you'd be chasing someone else already.

[PogoStick]

No I am not gonna give up and just dump her, we are in love, and planning a future together...sorry I didn't make that clearer.

 

I was asking for advice on how to approach these few concerns I had about her behaviour.

 

Thanks

 

The consensus is this is the wrong choice, but if you're unwavering here then:

 

Put your foot down. Tell her clearly how you expect to be treated and that you won't tolerate her negative behavior. Explain that if it continues then it will be time to end the relationship.

 

For example, the album art...you should have told her you like it and that you spent much time and effort in making it work. The art will be staying on and you don't want to hear her mention it negatively ever again.

[Chilli]

What's a PITA women ?

[MidwestUSA]

What's a PITA women ?

 

Pain in the A$$.

[elaine567]

For example, the album art...you should have told her you like it and that you spent much time and effort in making it work. The art will be staying on and you don't want to hear her mention it negatively ever again.

 

OK but where does freedom of speech come in here?

Is she not allowed to speak her mind and be honest?

[Smoothman]

OK, thanks for all the feedback.

 

Yes I agree when I reread my OP that I was overly negative...

 

That time at the zoo, for example, it was literally the opening 30 minutes, the rest of the day was fine, BECAUSE I put my foot down and said : "Will you STOP complaining?"

 

She does support me, tells me I'm an awesome bf, tells me when I am a great support to her.

 

To counter some specific comments.

No she did not manipulate her ex to get a ticket to Australia, full stop, didn't happen that way...OK, he cheated on her multiple times, she is quiet and he thought he could have the obedient wife at home and still play around. She left a professional career, and came over and was basically stranded in an outer suburb, with no friends or family.

 

She is saving for the deposit for OUR house...I will not put it in her name, (not that this matters in law anyway...habitation is what is important)

 

We don't share music appreciation, but we do share so many other things...

 

Her dislike for the album art (After talking more about it) was that some of the albums have images that are bad luck in Chinese culture, same with all the monsters...she asked me to paint "nice things; instead...

Superstitious nonsense to me, but having dated a fair few Chinese woman, quite common amongst them.

 

She is not any of J or G, or K (or F)

 

She is super careful about anything, sometimes that can be annoying, particularity when I "know" I am right, but guess what, once or twice I WAS wrong...so she acts as a check for me.

 

Just yesterday this happened: I have run flat tyres on my car, and the warning light went off.

I explained that it was safe to drive to our destination, we didn't need to worry about damaging the wheel, that I'd just top up the tyre for now, and get it replaced on Monday.

She was about to start doubting me, and I stopped her:

"Look, can you sometimes please just TRUST ME when I tell you things?

Every time you doubt me...just TRUST ME, I know about this OK?!"

 

Yes, my "ascertain myself" ability was badly damaged by a horrible 20 year marriage, I do need to stand up for myself more, this forum post help me put things in perspective, and I have (and will continue) to draw the line more firmly.

 

Thanks guys and gals!

Edited October 8, 2017 by Smoothman

[Chilli]

Ahh , sounds fine to me man.

Never had a gf yet that won't stick her 2 cents worth in .

Thought exactly the same about the artwork too,they're a very superstitious culture, l figured as much.

l'm an ex artist , ex wife use to hate some of my stuff and l hate some of my daughters stuff, but it is very damn good though non the less haha.

Try putting your foot down more if you love her , any relationships a work in progress.

If it starts driving you crazy rethink time l guess, good luck.

Edited October 9, 2017 by Chilli

[JuneL]

It's not "biting" she does this with a laugh and light-hearted tone.

And she is 46, I'm 51...so hardly spring chickens

 

Wow, a hot 46-year-old woman! Well, good for her!!

 

Is she one of those foreign women who marry for a green card, and is now looking for a rich boyfriend as a replacement??