How to be "cool" or is it something you're born with?

[Soak]

I love the topics you come up with Cookies, and your honesty.

 

I used to work in a nighclub, and i had a saying "the coolest looking person in the nightclub is probably the loneliest"!

 

Don't know whether it's true or not, but i used to view excessive coolness as a front to cover up less desirable social attributes, kind of like that douchebag who said "that doesn't surprise me"... What a douchbag.

 

And, can i just say... Who made him the pervayer of the gold standard of 'coolness' and social attractiveness? Sounds like an insecure jerk if you ask me. Let him go and find his equally insecure girlfriend who he'll probably lord-it over in an effort to make himself feel better.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Soak

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks!!! That means a lot, and Yea that's true. Cool is subjective but awkwardness is universal. I am awkward. When people say they like socially awkward, they mean unconventionally charming. Not the awkward that I am. I guarantee it. I just want to be cool for once and I suppose it's not happening. And yes maybe he was being sarcastic and I did laugh it off and say very funny but I was not amused.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[OatsAndHall]

I'm an anxious person by nature so socializing was difficult for me when I was younger. It took some time and effort but I finally found my groove; I know how to be funny without coming across as rude or elitist, I can keep a conversation flowing, and I just come across as more relaxed.

 

To be honest, I am much more comfortable on a date than I am in a large social scene with multiple people. Firstly, I want the date to go well but it's not the end of the world for me if it doesn't. There could be professional repercussions if I make an ass out of myself in a group as there's usually co-workers. Secondly, I only have to read the tone and body language of ONE person on a date and that makes the situation easier. I have a harder time being myself in a group situation as I can't read multiple people's reactions.

 

So, I suggest that you just keep going out and being yourself. In fact, embrace being a bit awkward and blow off a guy that judges you for it. I, for one, enjoy going out on dates with women who are a little bit socially awkward as it's kind of disarming for me. Yes, it's fun to date a charismatic, self-confident woman but it's much harder to get a feel for them.

[Gaeta]

How old are you cookie?

 

People are in constant evolution. I was a shy child, a very shy and withdrawn teenage girl. I had no confidence in me and did everything to disappear in the background.

 

I carried that in my 20s and 30s. Always feeling I could be better, prettier, smarter. That made me jealous and envious very often.

 

Then suddenly in my 40s I got tired of being a flower on the wall and I decided to change. I did A LOT of reading, I read everything on self improvement and on Buddhism. I started giving myself small challenges then bigger ones and bigger ones. Finally at 45 I became the woman I wanted to be. Confident, independent, fearless and....cool ;-)

 

So no, we're not all born cool but we can evolve to become the human being we want to be.

[thefooloftheyear]

You dyed your hair purple(?).....Got a boob job(?).....How about some b!thcin tatts?

 

I'd say you are well on your way, kid...

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

I've never been cool, and I have never fit in. The upside is that I do what I want and not care about others approval.

 

You dyed your hair purple(?).....Got a boob job(?).....How about some b!thcin tatts?

 

I'd say you are well on your way, kid...

 

TFY

 

Who did? I must've missed it! They may be my twin, bc i have boob jobs and right now have black and purple hair. No tats, but sometimes i accessorize with black lipstick.

[OatsAndHall]

I agree with those folks who have stated that charisma isn't necessarily and automatic turn-on. It used to be for me but I realized that some of the self-confident and charismatic women I dated just had experience dating and were putting on a pretty good show.

 

For example, my absolute best first date was with a woman like this. She was fun, self-confident, talkative and we had a blast together. But, things went downhill quickly when that facade wore off and her insecurities came screaming through. I was on Cloud-9 after that date as we had planned another and I and really thought I had met someone special.

 

But, ten hours later, I was getting weird texts from her talking about "how she wasn't planning on living with someone for a long time" (obviously something that had never been mentioned on the date..) and how she was "just looking for a physical relationship" (something she said explicitly that she WASN'T looking for). Twenty four hours after that, she wasn't responding to texts. Seventy-two hours after that, she was back on the OLD app continually. A year later, we're both still single and she's logged into POF every time I get on there.

 

The last woman I dated was shy and a bit insecure. Nothing went far between the two of us but dating her was fun for the most part because of her quirks. She was easy to read, I knew what to expect from her and knew how to put her at ease.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with those folks who have stated that charisma isn't necessarily and automatic turn-on. It used to be for me but I realized that some of the self-confident and charismatic women I dated just had experience dating and were putting on a pretty good show.

 

For example, my absolute best first date was with a woman like this. She was fun, self-confident, talkative and we had a blast together. But, things went downhill quickly when that facade wore off and her insecurities came screaming through. I was on Cloud-9 after that date as we had planned another and I and really thought I had met someone special.

 

But, ten hours later, I was getting weird texts from her talking about "how she wasn't planning on living with someone for a long time" (obviously something that had never been mentioned on the date..) and how she was "just looking for a physical relationship" (something she said explicitly that she WASN'T looking for). Twenty four hours after that, she wasn't responding to texts. Seventy-two hours after that, she was back on the OLD app continually. A year later, we're both still single and she's logged into POF every time I get on there.

 

The last woman I dated was shy and a bit insecure. Nothing went far between the two of us but dating her was fun for the most part because of her quirks. She was easy to read, I knew what to expect from her and knew how to put her at ease.

Sounds to me like her charisma was a huge turn on to you but her "craziness" was not. Charisma by its definition means attractive and compelling to others. But I get what you mean. I can be act like a charismatic woman for the first date and I don't think anyone can tell I'm faking because I have always got a 2nd. But I can't keep up the act long. Little pieces of my goofiness slip out the longer I am with someone. Eventually they'll realize I was a very awkward person pretending to be cool and be disappointed. But what's the alternative, don't get dates at all?

 

I'm extremely outgoing person I'm just goofy and I can't help it

[amaysngrace]

I think you're born with it. Cool kids become cool adolescents become cool adults.

 

People who keep it real and try their best not to dick other people over are cool.

[No_Go]

Sounds to me like her charisma was a huge turn on to you but her "craziness" was not. Charisma by its definition means attractive and compelling to others. But I get what you mean. I can be act like a charismatic woman for the first date and I don't think anyone can tell I'm faking because I have always got a 2nd. But I can't keep up the act long. Little pieces of my goofiness slip out the longer I am with someone. Eventually they'll realize I was a very awkward person pretending to be cool and be disappointed. But what's the alternative, don't get dates at all?

 

I'm extremely outgoing person I'm just goofy and I can't help it

 

The alternative is to accept being cool in your own way

[hotpotato]

I can teach you, but it won't be easy.

 

I could teach you

But ill have to charge

 

Na na

na na

*ding*

 

Couldnt help it lol:lmao:

[darkmoon]

I can teach you, but it won't be easy.

 

so teach us, cuz I want to know too, even just a few do's and don'ts will be highly appreciated

[OatsAndHall]

Sounds to me like her charisma was a huge turn on to you but her "craziness" was not. Charisma by its definition means attractive and compelling to others. But I get what you mean. I can be act like a charismatic woman for the first date and I don't think anyone can tell I'm faking because I have always got a 2nd. But I can't keep up the act long. Little pieces of my goofiness slip out the longer I am with someone. Eventually they'll realize I was a very awkward person pretending to be cool and be disappointed. But what's the alternative, don't get dates at all?

 

I'm extremely outgoing person I'm just goofy and I can't help it

 

Well, I would suggest that you avoid putting on the facade during the first date and just be yourself; awkwardness, goofiness and all. I, for one, would enjoy seeing that on a first date.

 

The example I tossed out above is just the worst example of many. I have had my fair share of first or second dates where I walked out thinking to myself "WOW, this is going really well!" just to run into some red-flags or to get ghosted completely.

 

I went out on two dates with a woman and we had a blast together. We spent our second date fishing for the morning, followed by lunch and a movie. She was funny, out-going, and seemed very self-confident. She sent me a text when I got home that night asking for a third date and telling me how much fun she had with me. I responded, we set up a third date and then she basically ghosted me. I sent her a text asking her if she was alright after a few days and she said that "we were moving too fast and she was uncomfortable." I was completely taken a back because we hadn't done anything other than kiss and it wasn't like we were talking about "a future together" or anything like that. Her comment about being uncomfortable spooked me so I just said "Alright" and moved on. She was back on Match within a few days.

 

I was in a year long relationship with a woman who was quite shy and awkward on the first date and I honestly liked it. She was still pleasant and we had fun together but I got to see more of the real person because she wasn't adept at putting on the "dating face". I was put at ease by this fact and, although the dates may not have been as fun as some others, I was more comfortable with her.

[thefooloftheyear]

so teach us, cuz I want to know too, even just a few do's and don'ts will be highly appreciated

 

Ok....you asked....(this list is for women)

 

 

• Automobile....If you own a Toyota...ANY model...Get rid of it immediately...If you own a Camry or Prius, forget it...its too late and you can never be cool...No either to Jeep Wranglers...that went out in the 90/00's ...some never got that memo, I guess...Trucks are a big plus, esp black...Big extra points for capably driving a stick...Putting your feet on the dash of your guys car is a huge foul...
  
• Hair Short hair only cool if its buzzed/shaved ....Got to run with long hair...Brunettes far cooler than blondes..Wild dye jobs work
  
• Clothes/appearance.....If you ever wore granny pants, you are done...over.....Big no no also for those dumb multi colored yoga pants...Solid only...Big points deduction for any muffin tops or saggy boobs...get it in shape or call the surgeon...Natural big breasts on a small woman??, front of the line...Be able to wear an evening gown or a pair of cut up shorts and tank top equally as well..
  
• Selfies...Dog/duck/smoochy face? Nope....Topless with hand bra and underboob tat? hell yeah...
  
• Aggression/Attitude..Must have kicked at least one girls/woman's ass in your lifetime...MMA chicks are the coolest of cool.Raw confidence and sexuality oozes from these women.....Kick ass and get paid...If you haven't actually threw down, ok, but then at least have an attitude that no other woman would eff with you under any conditions..
  
• Self sufficiency. Cooler women know how to fix basic stuff and don't get grossed out if they gotta get their hands dirty sometimes...Gardening or cleaning your cats litter box doesn't count....Starter, flat tire replacement or taking apart the drain pipe and cleaning the smelly hair clog out a big plus..Every cool woman will have a few power tools and a basic tool box...
  
• Pets ...Dogs and cats are fine(although no more than any combination of 2)...No to rodents....Yes to reptiles and arachnids...Plus for snakes..
  
• General cleanliness... Your car/truck and living arrangements must be clean and tidy...Slobs are never cool...Keep personal hair in check..Full Commando no longer in vogue, but keep it tidy..None of that 80's "hanging out the sides" business..
  
• Eating Habits/Exercise.. Nothing cooler than a woman ordering a big steak or a pizza at a restaurant...Its ok to splurge,,,one meal wont kill you...Veganism and coolness generally don't go hand in hand, but if the other factors in place, then I guess its cool...Cool women weight train and squat...its not cool if all you do is the treadmill and/or the elliptical..Big plus if a woman can sport a legitimate bicep..
  

 

That's it for now...hope you enjoyed it...Now get to work...:laugh:

 

TFY

Edited October 9, 2017 by thefooloftheyear

[LightWave93]

You've helped me, I'll try help you. Though it'll be short and sweet by saying that social awkwardness can be appealing (read: cute) and personally I don't have an issue with someone being uncool. As long as a woman isn't completely inept at conversation (like giving one word answers *yawn*) then any difficulties they have communicating can usually be overcome through the comfort of getting to know each other.

 

Also, if that's you in the profile picture, you're very attractive. That, plus your caring nature, and I'm sure someone will sweep you off your feet soon enough.

[caveman621]

I'm about to get drummed out of LoveShack. Oh well!!!

 

Cookies (OP), as a heterosexual male I have to ask: Is your profile picture actually you? I can't imagine you would have a difficult time getting a seat at the "cool kids" table!

 

Yes, yes, yes, I know. Cool isn't all about looks, but it doesn't hurt! I have to rely solely on my charm! I am the coolest person out there! Oh, yeah, and modest!

[OneLov]

There's just not a single 'cool' bone in my body. Will this be a huge hindrance in my dating life? Are guys looking for cool? Is there any way to fix this or mask it a bit? Thanks

 

It will be a hindrance if you believe it. Most people are looking for authenticity and find being real is what makes the object of their desire "cool." The way to fix feeling uncool is to unmask yourself and celebrate and cherish what makes you unique. That is cool.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks!!! That means a lot, and Yea that's true. Cool is subjective but awkwardness is universal. I am awkward. When people say they like socially awkward, they mean unconventionally charming. Not the awkward that I am. I guarantee it. I just want to be cool for once and I suppose it's not happening. And yes maybe he was being sarcastic and I did laugh it off and say very funny but I was not amused.

 

My daughter is very awkward, but I happen to think she's also very cool. She has specific unique interests that she is very talented at, and that makes her really cool. She knows she's not exactly the same as other girls and she embraces it (it helps that she's never been bullied for any of this). I hope she never changes.

 

I think you're probably cooler than you think you are, cookies <3.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Ok....you asked....(this list is for women)

 

 

• Automobile....If you own a Toyota...ANY model...Get rid of it immediately...If you own a Camry or Prius, forget it...its too late and you can never be cool...No either to Jeep Wranglers...that went out in the 90/00's ...some never got that memo, I guess...Trucks are a big plus, esp black...Big extra points for capably driving a stick...Putting your feet on the dash of your guys car is a huge foul...
  
• Hair Short hair only cool if its buzzed/shaved ....Got to run with long hair...Brunettes far cooler than blondes..Wild dye jobs work
  
• Clothes/appearance.....If you ever wore granny pants, you are done...over.....Big no no also for those dumb multi colored yoga pants...Solid only...Big points deduction for any muffin tops or saggy boobs...get it in shape or call the surgeon...Natural big breasts on a small woman??, front of the line...Be able to wear an evening gown or a pair of cut up shorts and tank top equally as well..
  
• Selfies...Dog/duck/smoochy face? Nope....Topless with hand bra and underboob tat? hell yeah...
  
• Aggression/Attitude..Must have kicked at least one girls/woman's ass in your lifetime...MMA chicks are the coolest of cool.Raw confidence and sexuality oozes from these women.....Kick ass and get paid...If you haven't actually threw down, ok, but then at least have an attitude that no other woman would eff with you under any conditions..
  
• Self sufficiency. Cooler women know how to fix basic stuff and don't get grossed out if they gotta get their hands dirty sometimes...Gardening or cleaning your cats litter box doesn't count....Starter, flat tire replacement or taking apart the drain pipe and cleaning the smelly hair clog out a big plus..Every cool woman will have a few power tools and a basic tool box...
  
• Pets ...Dogs and cats are fine(although no more than any combination of 2)...No to rodents....Yes to reptiles and arachnids...Plus for snakes..
  
• General cleanliness... Your car/truck and living arrangements must be clean and tidy...Slobs are never cool...Keep personal hair in check..Full Commando no longer in vogue, but keep it tidy..None of that 80's "hanging out the sides" business..
  
• Eating Habits/Exercise.. Nothing cooler than a woman ordering a big steak or a pizza at a restaurant...Its ok to splurge,,,one meal wont kill you...Veganism and coolness generally don't go hand in hand, but if the other factors in place, then I guess its cool...Cool women weight train and squat...its not cool if all you do is the treadmill and/or the elliptical..Big plus if a woman can sport a legitimate bicep..
  

 

That's it for now...hope you enjoyed it...Now get to work...:laugh:

 

TFY

 

Oh man! I fell off the chart with the first one! And the second!

[thefooloftheyear]

Oh man! I fell off the chart with the first one! And the second!

 

Not to be taken seriously.....

TFY

[Steve51]

I have always been popular with friends since as far back as I can remember. Women have always been attracted to me. Just ask my wife who says it is easier for me to list who I never dated or had sex with than who I did in her school and town.

 

I was always in classes for gifted students and most of the guys were real geeks. I played football and baseball and was known for changing girlfriends every few weeks. I do not know why though. When I was in Vietnam, my commanding officer said that I have the ability to fit into any circumstance or crowd that I am placed into and become well liked and respected. I never thought about that but he is right. I can mingle with the rich and famous or fight a longshoremen in a labor dispute.

 

For me it just came natural. I never did anything but be myself.

[OneLov]

I was always in classes for gifted students and most of the guys were real geeks.

 

Joe Manganiello is a big geek who likes comics and playing DnD. Sofia Vergara seems to think he's dope. And I think that goes to your point about him just being himself is what makes her think he's the coolest dude on the planet.

[caveman621]

After my joke (funny, huh?) reply I went back and read your original post. Your lack of cool is keeping you from meeting your, "dating goals." I don't know if I've ever heard it expressed quite like that. What are your "dating goals"?

[GunslingerRoland]

If it's really important to you then I guess the most important stuff is stay caught up on the latest goings on, the latest lingo and just try to be relaxed and be yourself, but there is something inherently cool about some people that the rest of us will just never have, but I don't think that should exclude you from dating a guy who is cool.

 

You know what cool guys tend to have on their arms? Hot chicks.

 

Your dating issues seem far too complicated for me to try to diagnose for you, but you seem nice, sound fun, and unless your pictures are very misleading you are clearly a hot chick, so I think you need to dig a little deeper into where you are going wrong.