Update

[lunarnaut]

It sucks giving up thirteen years together and two young children. I'm not sure how in the world some punk ass kid was worth all of this. I'd like to think I could forgive her if she confessed and was committed to me, but she lied as much as she could - probably still is to some degree, and kept contacting him. There has been so much disrespect to me and our marriage.

 

I feel like this whole thing has put me in an unwinnable position, and I keep trying to find a way to turn the tables, but deep down I know I can't.

 

I either stay with her, and live with the thought that I could be her second choice (I doubt I'll ever know for sure). Or, divorce and only get to see my children half of the time. I really despise her for putting me in this position, but I don't have it in me to feel like second place for the rest of my life. She say's I'm too proud, and maybe that's true. But, she put us in this position, and she has to deal with the consequences too.

 

To be honest, I doubt she'll even care that much. She'll probably be talking to this dude before the papers are even signed. Sometimes life has a way of making you feel like a real worthless piece of ****. Won't be the first time, and won't be the last. I just need to keep my head up and focus on my sons.

[BluesPower]

It sucks giving up thirteen years together and two young children. I'm not sure how in the world some punk ass kid was worth all of this. I'd like to think I could forgive her if she confessed and was committed to me, but she lied as much as she could - probably still is to some degree, and kept contacting him. There has been so much disrespect to me and our marriage.

 

I feel like this whole thing has put me in an unwinnable position, and I keep trying to find a way to turn the tables, but deep down I know I can't.

 

I either stay with her, and live with the thought that I could be her second choice (I doubt I'll ever know for sure). Or, divorce and only get to see my children half of the time. I really despise her for putting me in this position, but I don't have it in me to feel like second place for the rest of my life. She say's I'm too proud, and maybe that's true. But, she put us in this position, and she has to deal with the consequences too.

 

To be honest, I doubt she'll even care that much. She'll probably be talking to this dude before the papers are even signed. Sometimes life has a way of making you feel like a real worthless piece of ****. Won't be the first time, and won't be the last. I just need to keep my head up and focus on my sons.

 

Yes it sucks...

 

But let's not get down on yourself. First and foremost SHE is the one that did this not you. She chose to cheat. That is not your fault.

 

Second, I think you should divorce and here is why, you are second place and her behavior since she got caught shows that you are second place so you can stop wondering about that. And that comment about you being too proud, is just way, way out of line.

 

Third, you really don't know if she has started sleeping with him since you checked her out the last time. I mean are you sure she is not seeing him or someone else. Because for my money she acts like she is.

 

Forth, sometime when you have 50% custody you can actually spend more quality time with your kids that you do now. No it is not easy, but it is not the end of the world.

 

Fifth, having your self respect back is actually priceless. And, being with a woman that actually loves you is worth more than that. Right now, you have neither.

 

But don't get down on YOURSELF about all of this, yes you have to deal with it, but it is not your fault.

 

That should count for something...

[harrybrown]

what would she do if you had an A? file for D?

 

what does she want? the marriage or the OM?

 

will she be honest with you?

 

File for D. She does not sound remorseful. Have you exposed her A to her family, to yours?

 

are you sure she has stopped all contact with all of her OMs?

[GoldenR]

Brother, it does suck, tremendously.

 

But believe me when I say, there's gonna come a point in your life where you realize that your life is better than it ever was. And you'll wonder what took you so long to pull the trigger.

 

It does get better. A lot better.

[BluesPower]

Brother, it does suck, tremendously.

 

But believe me when I say, there's gonna come a point in your life where you realize that your life is better than it ever was. And you'll wonder what took you so long to pull the trigger.

 

It does get better. A lot better.

 

GR could not be more right. It gets sooo much better when you are away from people like this.

 

My biggest problem right now, deciding which girl to date, do I date, or do I just hang out and with which one and hook up. Decisions, decisions...

[Clay]

Half of those kids life will be spent with you seeing there dad happy and healthy. They will learn from this experience. When you enter into a healthier relationship with another woman your children will see an example of someone who isn't messed up. This will help them make good sound decisions in the future. It will also open there eyes to their mothers behavior when she pulls this stuff again with the next guy.

 

People argue they stay for the kids. I think if you stay with someone that doesn't have morals or a ounce of decency. Imagine the life they will live if she is there only motherly example. The sooner you get out the better chance your kids will have to see that people can move on from these things and it isn't healthy to stay in a relationship with someone as cruel as she is.

 

Teach them to set healthy boundaries. lead by example.

 

C

[aliveagain]

Get rid of the unremorseful(might be a new word but it works) trash, be the best dad that you can be, learn to make the best mac and cheese and risotto on the planet, life will be good. Your children won't respect you for staying on their behalf.

[lunarnaut]

So, I finally had enough. We've been having the same problems. We simply aren't compatible as a couple. We were talking the other night, and I asked her if she would contact him if we didn't work out - she responds that she doesn't know, but does want to know how he really feels about her. I found that pretty ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that she hasn't already come to the decision to never contact this person again because of the damage that they've caused together.

 

But, it did pretty much confirm the fact that I'm second place. And, at least she was honest, but why waste my time these last 11 months? If she was holding out any sort of hope or thought for him, then she couldn't possibly be 100% invested in us, and that's not good enough for me. I've told her countless times, if she isn't all the way in, to please get out and let me go.

 

I called the attorney, and we went over and signed the papers to begin the divorce. There is no chance I won't go through with it. There's even less of a chance she will try to stay. I fought long and hard to save this marriage, but I was fighting for the wrong reasons. I've gotten to a mental place where I will be happier without her, and it doesn't even bother me if they end up together and I see the guy for the rest of my life at various family functions. At this point, I feel as though he saved me from living and being with her.

 

Good luck, dude. You're in for a hell of ride.

 

EDIT: I also wanted to thank all of you for responding to my posts and providing me with insight during this terrible time of my life. I've had some bad periods in my 33 years, but nothing compares to this. Hopefully none of this advice that I've gleaned over the past year and half is of any use to people I know, because this kind of pain and betrayal is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but it's nice to know that I can certainly help anyone that's going through something like this.

Edited November 20, 2017 by lunarnaut

[BetrayedH]

So, I finally had enough. We've been having the same problems. We simply aren't compatible as a couple. We were talking the other night, and I asked her if she would contact him if we didn't work out - she responds that she doesn't know, but does want to know how he really feels about her. I found that pretty ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that she hasn't already come to the decision to never contact this person again because of the damage that they've caused together.

 

But, it did pretty much confirm the fact that I'm second place. And, at least she was honest, but why waste my time these last 11 months? If she was holding out any sort of hope or thought for him, then she couldn't possibly be 100% invested in us, and that's not good enough for me. I've told her countless times, if she isn't all the way in, to please get out and let me go.

 

I called the attorney, and we went over and signed the papers to begin the divorce. There is no chance I won't go through with it. There's even less of a chance she will try to stay. I fought long and hard to save this marriage, but I was fighting for the wrong reasons. I've gotten to a mental place where I will be happier without her, and it doesn't even bother me if they end up together and I see the guy for the rest of my life at various family functions. At this point, I feel as though he saved me from living and being with her.

 

Good luck, dude. You're in for a hell of ride.

 

EDIT: I also wanted to thank all of you for responding to my posts and providing me with insight during this terrible time of my life. I've had some bad periods in my 33 years, but nothing compares to this. Hopefully none of this advice that I've gleaned over the past year and half is of any use to people I know, because this kind of pain and betrayal is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but it's nice to know that I can certainly help anyone that's going through something like this.

 

Bummer to “like” your post but man, the decision to be done with this nonsense was the most liberating experience of my life. I hope it goes the same for you. Look forward to your second life.

 

ETA: To be clear, I’m all good with reconciling with a former wayward that “gets it.” If they don’t, cut your losses. I think you were there.

[WilyWill]

Just make sure you go through with it this time. Now that she's "free" she'll quickly discover what a loser grocery-boy is. Not only that, he'll reject her in favor of something younger and prettier. Of course, that's when she'll call you back telling you how much she misses you. The fallback plan. She'll lie about how she's committed to making things work FOR REALS this time. She'll try to make you feel bad about the kids. Don't fall for it.

[dichotomy]

That's my greatest fear. That I'll regret the hell out of staying. My dad told me he regretting staying in his first marriage for as long as he did, but he did it for the children.

 

I made a very calculated decision - and choose least worst option and stayed for my kids. There was no "good option" only the least worst option. Somethings got better - and others worse after I choose to stay - marriages change no matter what.

 

You make the one that you see working best for you - and your kids. IMHO.

[lunarnaut]

Bummer to “like” your post but man, the decision to be done with this nonsense was the most liberating experience of my life. I hope it goes the same for you. Look forward to your second life.

 

ETA: To be clear, I’m all good with reconciling with a former wayward that “gets it.” If they don’t, cut your losses. I think you were there.

 

I would reconcile if she got it. But, she doesn't. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have gotten this far without me helping her along the way to figure things out. What it really comes down to, is she chose not to love me anymore. That hurts, but I bet there are plenty of other women that would really appreciate all that I have to offer. There's also a lot of guys that would be a more suitable match for her.

 

Maybe it takes completely losing me for her to understand what she had, and maybe once it's gone, she won't even care. Either way, it's not worth our time to keep damaging the relationship. It's hard to have love for someone who has said and done the things she has to me. We agreed to be amicable with one another for the kids, and that's about as good as it's going to get between us.

 

I can't help but keep thinking back to the way I handled the situation. I wish I had just walked away about 1 week after the first D-Day instead of dragging this out. But, then I'd have regrets about not trying. So, it's either be ashamed of the way I tried so hard to save it, or be regretful of not trying. I guess there's no good choice.

 

That's a really ****ty part about cheating. The WS makes a poor choice, and then leaves the BS with a bunch of horrible options (especially if they aren't remorseful). It's a really unfair thing to do to anyone.

 

But, I'm optimistic that my life will be much better now. If you were to ask me what scenario would be optimal, I'd say her never having done this, and us working on our problems to see if we could make it work, because I'm pretty sure we could have. It might not have been the best relationship, and we would have had our problems, but it could have worked without all of this damage. I'm not much of a "grass is greener" type person, and I was very loyal to her, but now I think it's healthy to acknowledge that there is someone out there that will be much better for me.

Edited November 21, 2017 by lunarnaut

[lunarnaut]

Just make sure you go through with it this time. Now that she's "free" she'll quickly discover what a loser grocery-boy is. Not only that, he'll reject her in favor of something younger and prettier. Of course, that's when she'll call you back telling you how much she misses you. The fallback plan. She'll lie about how she's committed to making things work FOR REALS this time. She'll try to make you feel bad about the kids. Don't fall for it.

 

I have some really good friends that have been preaching this to me. They've been telling me to get ready for her to try and come back after this other thing doesn't live up to the expectations. They understand the nature of our relationship (as they've been around us for the past 13 years a lot), and they haven't been too guarded about telling me to get out since I first told them the story (after I got out the first time).

 

To be honest, I hope this other guy is everything she thinks he is. I don't want to see her get hurt. And in her own insane mind, this is all worth it if they end up together. I'd rather spare her any more of the pain, and her just be happy. Do I think that's going to happen given the circumstances? Not really. Realistically, it's more likely to crash and burn, but at this point, I'd rather that not happen for her sake. Plus, she doesn't try and come back that way.

[lunarnaut]

I made a very calculated decision - and choose least worst option and stayed for my kids. There was no "good option" only the least worst option. Somethings got better - and others worse after I choose to stay - marriages change no matter what.

 

You make the one that you see working best for you - and your kids. IMHO.

 

There is no good option when there are children involved. But, I can't be with someone who isn't in love with me, who could do something like this repeatedly and who doesn't have remorse. The best thing for the children is for us to both be happy, which we can't do together anymore.

[BarbedFenceRider]

There is no good option when there are children involved. But, I can't be with someone who isn't in love with me, who could do something like this repeatedly and who doesn't have remorse. The best thing for the children is for us to both be happy, which we can't do together anymore.

 

I was just talking to a workmate about this. He stated that he and HIS wife have been together for 15 years. After year 3, she started bringing guys home. And he only stays for the kids. He has 5 years to go. All the kids will be gone and he is ghosting her and the household. He was saying that she has at least 2-3 guys a month over in the other bedroom for "romps". OP is making a good decision. Get out and don't be THAT GUY!!!

[jenkins95]

These are just my personal experiences with infidelity. I have been cheated on several times in my life. The thing I realized is I felt a hell of a lot better about myself when I threw the cheaters out then I did when I attempted reconciliation. Yes I loved them, one was a fiance that cheated with a married coworker a month after we got engaged(she flew to Vegas with him for a 4 day fu*k fest, called me from the hotel room crying and begged me to take her back), I tried reconciliation with her for 3 years, couldn't marry her, she was always tainted in my eyes. I hated myself for compromising my standards just to keep her in my life. You can't compromise your standards is what I learned because you loose your identity and the essence of who you are in the process.

 

Another was my wife who had a threesome with two Frenchmen from Montreal just three months after we were married, never confessed but a boyfriend that broke up with her(while we were separated because she needed time to find herself) told me about her infidelities before I divorced her. The third and worst one of all had a baby with her other man(cheated with him for 2 years, I didn't have a clue), she tried to make me believe he was mine, thank God for DNA tests. You need to stand up for your beliefs and never compromise the things that took you a lifetime to build. Some may not want to hear these things but the reality is it's the truth. Respect yourself and if the key person in your life stops respecting you, get rid of them, they no longer deserve to be in your life. Cheaters lie, other men lie, other women lie, if you choose the behavior you choose the consequence.

 

Just wanted to take a moment to comment on this post. aliveagain, I have often admired your posts from afar, but never knew your full history before. This is so shocking to read. No one should have to deal with a cheating partner, but to have had this happen three times...including believing for a while that a child was yours - that's beyond tough.

 

You must be a pretty amazing person to have survived all this and made a great life despite these horrors. And amazing to be on here trying to help people in light of all the cr*p that has been thrown at you. I applaud you.

 

Your post has humbled me and made me feel the flush of shame for being a former cheater myself. I have been given the gift of reconciliation and although I can't be certain, it feels that my wife has truly accepted me again and that we are starting with a fresh slate. Reading posts like this remind me that I need to show her for the rest of our lives that she made the right choice.

 

Sorry for the t/j.

 

lunarnaut, as a former cheater myself, I can confirm that cheaters CAN reform, but she needs to be showing you this 100%. If you have doubts, she needs to be there to show you in no uncertain terms that she loves you and is 100% recommitted to the marriage. Anything less is not good enough. And, as we see in the many responses here, even when the cheater IS 100% genuine and does and says everything right, it's often too late - the damage is done and there is no way back. This is the risk I took and the risk that your wife took.

 

Whatever you decide and whatever happens, I wish you nothing but the best. You've been dealt a very bad hand recently and you deserve some decent breaks going forward.

[aliveagain]

No one wins when it comes to infidelity, she too will find this out soon enough. For me personally(anyone reading this has to decide for themselves)I would never again waste 2-5 years in reconciliation trying to save a relationship tainted by infidelity, children or no children. If the children weren't enough to stop them from being unfaithful why should they use them as an excuse to guilt you into staying with them? I have decided that infidelity is a deal breaker for me but I had to go through it a couple of times with the same and different women to come to that decision.

 

When dating I make sure to ask about past relationships. I will go as far as saying that most men that I know that have been affected by infidelity do the same. What is unspoken(this is my own opinion that I reached after discussions with other men I know whose relationships ended because of infidelity, men that some would consider to be successful and possibly a catch)is they will date and friend a woman that cheated on an ex but that's all. My guess is that many women do the same.

 

I know I will take heat for that statement but I am speaking my truth and only relating what I have heard from other betrayed men and some women that are in my circle of friends and business associates. That is why it is so important to look at the final divorce decree which has to be presented when you apply for a marriage licence and see what is listed as the cause of the dissolution of the marriage. Not putting infidelity as the cause may help some betrayed spouses in their negotiation of assets.

 

jenkins95, thank you for your kind words, I am amending my post as I just saw yours. Infidelity is the hardest thing I have ever survived and I do my best to share my experience if it helps others to deal with theirs.

Edited November 21, 2017 by aliveagain

[dichotomy]

I was just talking to a workmate about this. He stated that he and HIS wife have been together for 15 years. After year 3, she started bringing guys home. And he only stays for the kids. He has 5 years to go. All the kids will be gone and he is ghosting her and the household. He was saying that she has at least 2-3 guys a month over in the other bedroom for "romps". OP is making a good decision. Get out and don't be THAT GUY!!!

 

 

In my case only thats part of the reasons I stayed so I would NOT have an ex wife bringing home the types of guys she used to - with my kids being exposed to it and me not around. In her defense my wife is no longer the woman she was when this all happened so its not an issue now but it was for sure a major concern and factor in my decision - way back in the day.

 

But if OP thinks he and wife will be happier - and his wife (or soon to be ex wife) will provide a safe happy single home environment for his kids - and the kids will not suffer the loss of their home, friends, schools, money or other quality of life - yes he should divorce.

[Mr Blunt]

We were talking the other night, and I asked her if she would contact him if we didn't work out - she responds that she doesn't know, but does want to know how he really feels about her. I found that pretty ridiculous. I find it ridiculous that she hasn't already come to the decision to never contact this person again because of the damage that they've caused together.

 

But, it did pretty much confirm the fact that I'm second place

 

 

 

Actually you are not in second place you are in third at best. Your wife has herself as number one, her OM as number two, and maybe your number three. I am not telling you this so that to make you feel worse but so that you know that your decision to get away from her is the right one.

 

As you have stated “The best thing for the children is for us to both be happy, which we can't do together anymore”. Your children will be better off with you two working separately towards a more satisfying life than you have with you two being together.

 

You will be hurting for the next several months and maybe a few years; depending on what actions you take to recover. However, you can get better each month and if done correctly you will have a MUCH BETTER life than you do now.

 

Your wife and the other man will have a very low chance of having a good life together. The OM knows that your wife will sacrifice the well-being of her husband and children so that she can feed her ego; there is no way to miss that. Weak people fall for the fantasy world of love novels when you do not have to live with someone. When the betrayer and the OM live together for a while then the fantasy world crumples and their defect character kicks back in and they are in worse shape than when they started.

 

Luna, you can use this pain to drive you to be an even better man in the future and to be much more self-sufficient. You are never totally free until you are self-sufficient and can live a good life without having to have a wife to depend on to be contented.

 

Focus completely on you building yourself up and helping your children. Force yourself to not think about your wife as she is now history and will not do anything to make your life better.

 

Millions of people in your position have gotten a LOT better and so can you!

[lunarnaut]

Actually you are not in second place you are in third at best. Your wife has herself as number one, her OM as number two, and maybe your number three. I am not telling you this so that to make you feel worse but so that you know that your decision to get away from her is the right one.

 

As you have stated “The best thing for the children is for us to both be happy, which we can't do together anymore”. Your children will be better off with you two working separately towards a more satisfying life than you have with you two being together.

 

You will be hurting for the next several months and maybe a few years; depending on what actions you take to recover. However, you can get better each month and if done correctly you will have a MUCH BETTER life than you do now.

 

Your wife and the other man will have a very low chance of having a good life together. The OM knows that your wife will sacrifice the well-being of her husband and children so that she can feed her ego; there is no way to miss that. Weak people fall for the fantasy world of love novels when you do not have to live with someone. When the betrayer and the OM live together for a while then the fantasy world crumples and their defect character kicks back in and they are in worse shape than when they started.

 

Luna, you can use this pain to drive you to be an even better man in the future and to be much more self-sufficient. You are never totally free until you are self-sufficient and can live a good life without having to have a wife to depend on to be contented.

 

Focus completely on you building yourself up and helping your children. Force yourself to not think about your wife as she is now history and will not do anything to make your life better.

 

Millions of people in your position have gotten a LOT better and so can you!

 

I agree about being in third place. That's some good insight. I haven't really thought of it that way. You know how they always say that the bronze medalist is always happier than the silver medalist at the Olympics? Kind of makes me feel like that.

 

As far as being happier someday. Absolutely. I'm not even feeling the pang of rejection, even though that's what happened. The overwhelming relief of not having to deal with this anymore is superseding all of my negative feelings. I guess it goes back to the state of the marriage prior to the infidelity. She treated me like garbage, didn't bother to cater to any of my needs (****, I didn't even ask for a lot), and she didn't appreciate me. Everything was, and always will be about her.

 

Frankly, I'm feeling great. I hope I don't have an emotional crash. I kind of feel like something like that could happen. But ultimately, I believe I'm better off. I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I have two wonderful boys (paternity tests pending), I'm in my early thirties, I work a good job, and I'm in excellent physical shape. I'm not selfish, entitled or cruel. I have a lot to offer somebody one day. I'll just need to be a little pickier than I was the first time.

[Mr Blunt]

I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I have two wonderful boys (paternity tests pending), I'm in my early thirties, I work a good job, and I'm in excellent physical shape. I'm not selfish, entitled or cruel. I have a lot to offer somebody one day. I'll just need to be a little pickier than I was the first time.

 

Great attitude with a good amount of self esteem! Even though you have been hurt you are wise and are in good enough shape to come out of this even better that you are now!

 

You will have emotional ups and downs but be persistent and determined and you will be a winner!

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't see that there was really any choice in this matter in the end. I don't believe she is actually choosing the OM, she is choosing the fantasy. Sometimes I think that some young ladies read too many harlequin romance novels or something. The problem is the fantasy is not real and by the time she comes to that realization, the real relationship is gone.

 

You on the other hand immediately see it for what it is worth. You can talk until you are blue in the face, but there is no way for reality to compare with the fantasy. I hope that you will find peace and move on to a better life.