My gut says run, based only on the totality of circumstances

[Eternal Sunshine]

I am fairly successful, and anyone who is with me generally has a good time without having to worry about chipping in. I rarely out-right buy gifts, as that seems strange to me, but I do like to travel, eat well, etc with my girlfriend. I'm probably spending far too much on activities, the amount would probably not go over well here.

 

I don't think the age thing is even a thing for her or us, but it could be. At this point I'll listen to any any all hypothesis, since I can't put my finger on it.

 

This could be a big draw for her. She likely couldn't afford to eat out at nice places, travel and do expensive activities with guys closer to her age. You don't have to outright give her gifts/money. Lifestyle boost is very attractive to young girls. Most of my friends (when I was that age) dated successful, older guys for this reason.

[Cookiesandough]

Why are people on this thread and others always suportive of the girl? Like maybe she has her guard up lets give her a chance etc.

Did anyone not read or learn from my situation?!my girl said her guard was up thats why she was acting how she was. 6 months in her guard was still up. I was patient.

Next thing she meets a guy and within a month invites him to a wedding and out all over facebook and introduces him to everyone she knows.

I questioned her and said i thought your guard was up. She said yh it still is. I then said then how could u invite him to a wedding and put it all over facebook if your guard is still up.

 

She didnt have an answer for that.

Point is most of the time 95 percent actually they will screw us over. Stop.making excuses for people!

Lol I think you project like mad, Fred, but I agree with you here. The reason why people have a bias about this is because men are seen as more likely to be shady because motive. Women are better at hiding it and men are less perceptive about it/give more benefit of doubt.

 

I think this lady is quite shady �� It could be something meaningless or it could be something big. But I find it hard to believe after two months a 23 y o who really liked a guy would not to be integrating him in to have her social life, showing him her place Etc. Also, she has various inconsistencies in her l story which lead one to believe she is telling lies. Phone face down is also not a good sign. But it's a habit I picked up from seeing a lot of guys /multidating

Edited October 3, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[ShyLove]

This could be a big draw for her. She likely couldn't afford to eat out at nice places, travel and do expensive activities with guys closer to her age. You don't have to outright give her gifts/money. Lifestyle boost is very attractive to young girls. Most of my friends (when I was that age) dated successful, older guys for this reason.

 

 

Same. This was me 10 years ago lol. Bragging rights. I wouldn't introduce the guys to my friends either bc it seemed a little embarrassing to bring someone so much older to hang out with us. Plus I still had massive crushes on other guys my age but they didn't know how to "wine and dine". I used the fact that an older established guy was in to me to look more appealing to guys my age. Not saying this is her thought process but it is a definite possibility. Good Luck. Keep us updated

[ChatroomHero]

Same. This was me 10 years ago lol. Bragging rights. I wouldn't introduce the guys to my friends either bc it seemed a little embarrassing to bring someone so much older to hang out with us. Plus I still had massive crushes on other guys my age but they didn't know how to "wine and dine". I used the fact that an older established guy was in to me to look more appealing to guys my age. Not saying this is her thought process but it is a definite possibility. Good Luck. Keep us updated

 

This definitely seems like it might be legit in this situation. Most older men/younger women relationships I have been involved in and seen friends involved in did seem to be somewhat of a fling for stability and going to fun events that people her age couldn't afford to do kinds of things.

 

 

I've known quite a few older guys with younger women and it always seemed evident that the girl was with the guy and having fun, but at any moment she would be out of there without regret. One of my exes was 10 years younger and in the end it was all the stability and discretionary income she didn't have, she was drawn to me because I had it.

 

 

It's still only 2 months, I would expect maybe that is her situation but I wouldn't worry about it until I wanted to actually get serious months down the road.

[d0nnivain]

You'll have to trust me when I say that picking her up makes no sense based on the geographic locations of our office and homes.

 

I am not really hung up on any one of those things I am being tarred/feathered for as suspected, it is easy to attack and dismiss them one at a time. My concern is when I sit down and put them all together.

 

 

I get it. It's not one thing -- it's the totality but to fix it you have to address each one.

 

 

I also understand geography. It's easier for her to come to you if she's staying. But since you are the one who is curious about her living situation & your failure to see it you may need to be inconvenienced. plan a work night date in her neighborhood; go pick her up, do whatever, then drop her home. Yes, I am aware that this might cut out "dessert" but t least you will have your curiosity satisfied. Pun intended.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Why not just talk to her about these issues? Mention you'd like to meet her friends and/or family.

 

There are countless reasons for the scenarios you have described, some legit, some not, but it's just stabs in the dark for anyone to figure out what's going on here without talking to the lady.

 

Btw, there's a young lady (26 years old) in my neighborhood who is home in bed every night by 9 pm. How do I know? She tells me she shuts down at nine and I can see that all the lights are off in her home by that time every single night, even weekends. If I'm talking with her at 8:30 in the evening I know she'll be shutting down the convo soon. She has a great fun personality, works very hard at her career, gets up early, goes to work and I've rarely seen friends at her house.

 

Also, what's your gf's personality like? Is she a little bland or reserved? She could possibly be intimidated by your age and experience.

 

Since she's announced your relationship on social media and the two of you are together every weekend I doubt she's cheating on you. Just because she's good looking doesn't necessarily mean she's an extrovert. She may be an introvert and not have much else going on socially besides you.

[Thatoneguy55]

Why not just talk to her about these issues? Mention you'd like to meet her friends and/or family.

 

There are countless reasons for the scenarios you have described, some legit, some not, but it's just stabs in the dark for anyone to figure out what's going on here without talking to the lady.

 

Btw, there's a young lady (26 years old) in my neighborhood who is home in bed every night by 9 pm. How do I know? She tells me she shuts down at nine and I can see that all the lights are off in her home by that time every single night, even weekends. If I'm talking with her at 8:30 in the evening I know she'll be shutting down the convo soon. She has a great fun personality, works very hard at her career, gets up early, goes to work and I've rarely seen friends at her house.

 

Also, what's your gf's personality like? Is she a little bland or reserved? She could possibly be intimidated by your age and experience.

 

Since she's announced your relationship on social media and the two of you are together every weekend I doubt she's cheating on you. Just because she's good looking doesn't necessarily mean she's an extrovert. She may be an introvert and not have much else going on socially besides you.

 

I brought up the lack of communication part, but it did about as much as it ever does.

 

I'm not saying she is cheating, either. I would just end if that is what I thought.

 

Her personality outside of the one-on-one or professional setting, say in a social environment, is extremely outgoing. She can make friends with everyone, both men and women are constantly wanting to be in her world.

 

None of that bothers me, I knew that going in. But things just aren't adding up. If I had to take a stab at it, she is loyal, but there is something that is keeping her from opening up. Ex-boyfriend in the picture, embarrassment over the age-gap, not seeing us together very long, etc.

[LovelyRose]

I brought up the lack of communication part, but it did about as much as it ever does.

 

I'm not saying she is cheating, either. I would just end if that is what I thought.

 

Her personality outside of the one-on-one or professional setting, say in a social environment, is extremely outgoing. She can make friends with everyone, both men and women are constantly wanting to be in her world.

 

None of that bothers me, I knew that going in. But things just aren't adding up. If I had to take a stab at it, she is loyal, but there is something that is keeping her from opening up. Ex-boyfriend in the picture, embarrassment over the age-gap, not seeing us together very long, etc.

 

 

Have you even ever talked to her about any of this? One thing that I can't stand seeing on this forum is that the OP talks about the other person on what's bothering them, red flags but never had the guts to address it to the direct person in question. Things are not adding up, then ASK HER.

 

Look what just happened here? Everyone is giving you mixed opinions and a lot are negative. Oh she is shady, oh she is hiding something. OMG, but the reality is we don't know this young lady. You wrote a long thread and we pretty much just picked up from there. But really, is that enough to give you the most accurate advice? NO!

 

My bf gave me a crazy roller coaster ride in the beginning of our relationship. We are very different. I talk A LOT and he can't fully express himself. I thought he was losing interest etc because of the confusing seemingly red flags I thought was present. But I was very wrong.

 

You know what I did. I talked to my bf about everything that was bothering me the minute I sniffed something iffy. It didn't go great overnight which brought me here to LS, but guess what? I didn't stop talking to him either. Every issue, every doubt every fear I made sure he knew and we talked about it.

 

TALK, COMMUNICATE for crying out loud.

[LovelyRose]

So I am in a new relationship (2 months) with a younger woman (33 v 23). I am not an insecure man, but I am also experienced enough to know when something doesn't feel right. Let's just say that if I was on the outside looking in on this situation, I know what I advice I would give a fellow LS member. But as we all can attest to, it is never as easy to appraise our own relationships in such a clinical manner. I can already predict what some of the 2-sentence responses will be, but I will appreciate all posts that go beyond "You're being paranoid" or "she's getting side-D".

 

I understand that the fact that I am posting this so soon is not a good sign, but I can chalk some of that up to me being an over-thinker.

 

There isn't a single issue/red-flag that by itself causes me concern. However, when I actually stop and add them all up, my gut tells me that I am ignoring the principle of Occam's Razor. My instinct isn't telling me she is cheating, she is using me for something, or that she is crazy. It is only telling me that something is off.

 

I want to be as fair as possible, so I will list the things that make me uncomfortable, as well as the things that would seem to counter that instinct. I am not asking for validation on each individual negative item. As I have said, I realize that each one in isolation can be completely normal and healthy. It is the sum of the parts that leads me to believe I am being naive and am on the road to looking like a fool.

 

 

 

Negative: (according only to my previous experience/gut)

 

- Secretive about personal life outside of us

 

- Parts of her back-story do not add up (timing of previous relationships, living situation)

 

- Have not been invited to see where she lives

 

- Having not met any of her friends/family yet (which is fine, its 2 months), there is no external source of information outside of what she tells me

 

- We are together Friday-Sunday. During the week, there is no effort to text a "good night", "good morning", "what are you up to, etc". She has called me 3 times in 2 months, and two were to help me find my phone in my room

 

- She always sets her phone down face down. Despite being an aesthetically stunning young girl with a ton of friends, the person calling is always "her sister" or "don't know who that was!" I'm not the guy who looks or cares who someone I trust is texting, but suspicious behavior I do take note of.

 

- She never asks what I am up to outside of our pattern of weekend together-time. It feels like something beyond just trust and space and confidence.

 

- She has never initiated time together. Not a single random sleep over, night together, lunch

 

- Has never once mentioned hanging out with her friends, which I find it hard to believe she has not done so in 2 months. Again, it the complete lack of communication on this that bothers me, not that she has a social life. Not even a "hey I went and grabbed sushi with the girls or guy friends" or anything of that nature. Just silence.

 

 

 

 

Counters:

 

 

- I have no solid reason to believe she has been untruthful about any one single statement/claim

 

- She has made our relationship known to her 5,000+ social media orbiters and her sister, which I guess is a big deal to some people.

 

- Every single time I have invited her to an activity, she has accepted

 

- She is not at all flaky. If she says she will be somewhere/do something together, she will be there.

 

- She, like me, is exhausted after working late every night. I know she gets home around 8-9PM and has to get up at 6:00AM to get back to work on time

 

 

 

 

 

I like her a lot, beyond her beauty. I just keep feeling as if there are only two options with no middle-ground here. Either I am in my head and am actually more insecure than I admit, and she is as great as she appears, or I am a gigantic fool who is ignoring universally accepted red-flags because she is intelligent, beautiful, and I am thinking with the wrong head.

 

 

Do your worst LS!

 

 

Before posting on here, have you ever discussed any of this with her? If you haven't then do so NOW.

 

I know a couple that was your age and hers when they started and 5 years down the road they are still very happy and going strong. Maybe the age difference alone is enough to start with any unsettling feeling you have. When I was with my last ex who is 11 years older, I know at the back of my head I was always wondering if it would work. It didn't but not because of the age difference but still, having a huge age gap for me was still a concern here and there.

 

Here's my take on this:

 

 

Negative: (according only to my previous experience/gut)

 

- Secretive about personal life outside of us

 

If you want an accurate advice, please care to provide more info other than oh she's secretive. People here will advice you based on their experience which is normally negative. This isn't fair to your gf. How is she secretive? There is a difference between intentionally being secretive and taking time to get to know you before she shows you all the skeleton in her closet.

 

- Parts of her back-story do not add up (timing of previous relationships, living situation)

 

Even if this is true, if it's BEFORE you, why does it matter? If it doesn't add up then clarify with her. That's what I do. If the math doesn't add up, you better believe I will be asking my bf for further clarification. Since that it matters to you. What about living situation? Again, oh my gosh you are very vague.

 

- Have not been invited to see where she lives

 

You said she lives 45 minutes away and lives with her sister. What's the rush? If staying with you is more convenient. If it matters to you then suggest it. If she keeps refusing, then ask why. Go from there.

 

- Having not met any of her friends/family yet (which is fine, its 2 months), there is no external source of information outside of what she tells me

 

Is there any occasion where she went out that she could have brought you with her but didn't? My bf and I haven't met each other's close friends but because we are LDR. What's your situation? You also have to consider it's only two months and a ten year gap. She may need more time before she could introduce you. If it bothers you, tell her and suggest to go out with her friends. Has she met yours?

 

- We are together Friday-Sunday. During the week, there is no effort to text a "good night", "good morning", "what are you up to, etc". She has called me 3 times in 2 months, and two were to help me find my phone in my room

 

I will admit that I know women usually are attached to their phone and loves to text and chat all day. But there are always exception. Do you text her and more importantly, do you call her? In the beginning, I never initiate calling and texting my bf because I want to feel that he really likes me and I wanted to see how much effort he will give me. Only after about 3-4 months when I started texting and calling too first. If you like for her to do these things, communicate this with her. I told my bf I would appreciate a good morning and good night text everyday even if we don't talk on the phone everyday. He seem to have gotten it very well.

 

- She always sets her phone down face down. Despite being an aesthetically stunning young girl with a ton of friends, the person calling is always "her sister" or "don't know who that was!" I'm not the guy who looks or cares who someone I trust is texting, but suspicious behavior I do take note of.

 

I can relate to this. I would be uncomfortable too. So just ask her why she always put her phone down. I get a lot of calls from unknown number, mainly collectors, lol. She probably gave her number to a bunch of people in the past and still trying to call her. Who knows. If it bothers you, address it to her. If you say it properly with respect and not sounding like an insecure bf, she should be able to talk to you if she's not hiding anything. Also my bf and I are both respectful of each other that we hardly touch our phone when we are together. We have this understanding that no phone at least excessive use of our phones. It's just automatically understood. Aren't you grateful she is showing you courtesy? That despite being "stunning" and has 5000 followers, she doesn't use her phone excessively around you. I would never understand it either for people feeling the need to have crazy amount of followers on social media. But hey, that's not enough to judge them.

 

- She never asks what I am up to outside of our pattern of weekend together-time. It feels like something beyond just trust and space and confidence.

 

You are together all weekend long. Do you talk then? Do you update each other on how your weekday went? If she doesn't ask then volunteer to share. She will eventually pick up. My bf is the same way. I will always ask what he's up to and what his plans are for the weekend etc. He didn't do it to me but now he does. What do you think it is? Because for me I don't see anything wrong with this.

 

- She has never initiated time together. Not a single random sleep over, night together, lunch

 

So what? You said she is always there right? She's not flaky or anything like that. Seriously, what more do you want? Maybe she didn't want to look needy in your eyes. Given your age gap, maybe she wants to show you she is independent and not clingy. Again, if this bothers you, ask her why she hasn't initiated?

So what exactly do you mean you are together from Friday to Sunday then?

 

- Has never once mentioned hanging out with her friends, which I find it hard to believe she has not done so in 2 months. Again, it the complete lack of communication on this that bothers me, not that she has a social life. Not even a "hey I went and grabbed sushi with the girls or guy friends" or anything of that nature. Just silence.

 

Did you just have a typo right there? You just said "not that she has a social life..."

So???? What is your issue again? The girl works everyday and wakes up super early. If she has to be at work by 6am that means she probably has to wake up at 5am at the earliest. Then Friday to Sunday she is with you. So tell me, when will she has time for other things? My bf goes to work at 7 am. He's always tired and by 9pm, he could barely keep his eyes open. He takes multiple naps a day, lol. So again, what's the red flag here? If you are dying to meet her friends then suggest one weekend to hangout with them.

 

I would like to say you are more likely just insecure for various things. Your age difference, her confidence and independence. Deep inside you are probably expecting like a childish needy behavior from her where she practically would want to tie you to her waist. That she would require you to report to her every move you make. Wanting you to blow up her phone or vice versa.

 

It's only been 2 months. You're not planning to marry her tomorrow are you? How much talk do you guys have? I really don't like all these negative comments about her because I feel like you didn't even provide enough information. I'm not defending her nor I'm not trying to make excuses for her just because she's "female." I just don't understand how people could give their opinion without knowing all important details. Only thing they have is comparison from their own painful experience.

 

One advice I will give you... TALK TALK TALK to her!!!!!!!!

If few months from now you still have questions, doubts and still wanting to run, go for it. Or if you want to take the easy route and not risk getting hurt, sure by all means, run as fast as you can now. But with what you have shared, all I see is a confident young lady that's handling her business. By the way, how does she treat you when you are together? Is she attentive and touchy and passionate?

 

Didn't realize my post is uber long. If you made it this far, thanks hahaha.

Edited October 3, 2017 by LovelyRose

[joseb]

I'm not saying she is cheating, either. I would just end if that is what I thought.

 

.

 

So have you two discussed and agreed that you are exclusive?

If not, then I'd assume yes, she is probably seeing others.

 

You mentioned occams razor before, given what you wrote my best guess is she sees you primarily as a good source of entertainment, fancy dining and the like, especially given the fact you seemed to suggest the amount you spend is a lot.

[Thatoneguy55]

Always always ALWAYS listen to your gut folks. I feel like the biggest moron on the planet after re-reading my OP.

 

But I will promise you guys one thing...you will get quite the update after 3/29 when I can confidently discuss the outcome of multiple court cases. *teaser*

[Versacehottie]

Always always ALWAYS listen to your gut folks. I feel like the biggest moron on the planet after re-reading my OP.

 

But I will promise you guys one thing...you will get quite the update after 3/29 when I can confidently discuss the outcome of multiple court cases. *teaser*

 

Your writing style made my day that's the reason for the like with the "teaser". That's funny. It's not so funny that this has ended up a court case. I'm sorry. That I don't "like".

[Thingsfallapart]

Always always ALWAYS listen to your gut folks. I feel like the biggest moron on the planet after re-reading my OP.

 

But I will promise you guys one thing...you will get quite the update after 3/29 when I can confidently discuss the outcome of multiple court cases. *teaser*

 

 

This is the era of Netflix...

Can’t wait that long...

Fill us in now:)

[lolablue17]

WOW!

I was just starting to reply and to say that it looks VERY suspicious, and you should trust your guts. I didn't even notice that it's a thread from October 2017...

 

So, we are waiting for the update. I hope you're OK.

[some_username1]

This is the era of Netflix...

Can’t wait that long...

Fill us in now:)

 

Best mid-season break cliffhanger ever.

[PinkPampies]

Always leaving the phone face Down is a major red flag too big to ignore, in my experience. When both ex husband and ex boyfriend always did that, turned out they were cheating.