Does the anger ever go away?

[wmacbride]

Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

 

:rolleyes:

let's blame the guy for his wife's actions...after all, married people only cheat when they are pushed into it:laugh::laugh:

 

op,

your wife's actions are not your fault. they are 100 percent on her.

 

I can understand wanting the anger to go away, but it may be a better idea to face it and work your way through it. It's normal to be angry when someone you trust hurts you, for no other reason that they were being selfish.

 

Trust can be really hard to rebuild, and if you think that is not something you will be able to do, you may wish to really examine your situation. Do you feel your wife is capable of doing the heavy lifting?

[KatieLaw]

When I get so angry steam is coming out of my ears. it helps to see myself as separated. We are not prisoners and can leave anytime we wish. Of course, it helps to have a solid exit plan. Sometimes I just need to detach.

[BetrayedH]

In my view, your anger might be a good defense mechanism. I might suggest using that anger - to help motivate yourself to keep your distance from such a person. Use it to steel your decision-making not to reengage with a person that brought you harm.

[Bittersweetie]

Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

 

I was a WW. At the time of my A, I did place some of the blame of my A on my H. However, after d-day and a ton of work, I cheated because something was wrong with ME. Maybe our relationship wasn't ideal, but that did NOT give me any right to make the choices I did.

 

You have every right to be angry. I'm sure my H still occasionally gets angry about what I did, years later. What I did was completely destructive and never forgotten. However, after d-day I worked my butt off to help him, show him I was sorry, to rebuild trust. I did things like text whenever I got somewhere. Shared all passwords. Attended regular therapy. All ways for me to rebuild that wall of trust brick by brick. And while our trust now isn't the same as it was before, it is there again because we both worked hard to rebuild it.

 

Honestly, it doesn't seem like your wife is doing the things that need to be done to help you, address her issues, or repair the relationship. Like a PP said, reconciliation requires a lot of work from both parties, especially the wayward spouse. If she's not all in, then you're never going to get there. GL.

[merrmeade]

You have every right to be angry. I'm sure my H still occasionally gets angry about what I did, years later. What I did was completely destructive and never forgotten. However, after d-day I worked my butt off to help him, show him I was sorry, to rebuild trust.

Not to diminish yours and your BH's work and success, because I don't feel that my BH and I have done even half of what I'd hoped for, yet my husband doesn't ask me and thinks he's worked his butt off too. I would feel like we'd gone a lot further if he'd ask me or actually encourage me to talk about it. It's one thing to speculate about whether your BH still suffers "occasionally" but, if my WH wrote this, I'd think he was presumptuous and should have asked me. Just saying it never ever goes away entirely but the WS realizing, accepting and wanting to know about it is huge Edited October 6, 2017 by merrmeade

[BTDT2012]

Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

[]Her cheating is on her. Cheaters cheat because they want to and they can. Her cheating is not a reflection on you [OP].

Edited October 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[understand50]

The anger will never go away. When you stop to remember, or do remember just what they did, the anger will come back. It is also part and parcel of the "forgiving, but never forgetting" thing.

 

So how do you reconcile and have a loving and good marriage?

 

You learn how to place the anger of their past action in context. Yes, I am angry at what happened, but I also recognize your actions now, and what you are doing now. I see our marriage now, and react to that not what you have done in the past. For your actions in the past we have gone though our "working it out". I do not expect to have to "work it out" for the rest of our lives, at some point, I am satisfied with what you have done. Does not mean I am not angry about what you have done in the past, just I know that what was done, is in the past, and my anger needs to live there.

 

If she "slips" ever again, then my past anger will come back, and be in full force.

 

I wish you Luck.........

[merrmeade]

The anger will never go away. When you stop to remember, or do remember just what they did, the anger will come back. It is also part and parcel of the "forgiving, but never forgetting" thing.

 

So how do you reconcile and have a loving and good marriage?

 

You learn how to place the anger of their past action in context. Yes, I am angry at what happened, but I also recognize your actions now, and what you are doing now. I see our marriage now, and react to that not what you have done in the past. For your actions in the past we have gone though our "working it out". I do not expect to have to "work it out" for the rest of our lives, at some point, I am satisfied with what you have done. Does not mean I am not angry about what you have done in the past, just I know that what was done, is in the past, and my anger needs to live there.

 

If she "slips" ever again, then my past anger will come back, and be in full force.

 

I wish you Luck.........

You nailed it, of vourse. This totally works for me except for the bold. I can't see that day coming.

[Jkidding]

Try to live your life. Focus on other areas of it. I felt similar I also couldn't look at her or talk to her. With years it became easier. Now I see the good things about her and can talk easily. I divorced. It became easier after 2-3 years. It will be much easier when you are ready to forgive. When you forgive it bothers you less. I think you can't rush it. It will come to you at some point. There is no magic to heal you up faster. Unless maybe if you meet some other nice woman

 

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." Thomas Stephen Szasz

[just got it 55]

Staying separate is probably best for both of you. She wouldn't have cheated if she was feeling loved and adored by you. She wants more than you can give her. Let her go so she is free to find a better man. A woman does not cheat if her husband is giving her the time, attention, and affection she needs, and is providing financially for her better than any other man can.

 

Well young lady what was she not doing for him not to be meeting her needs ?

 

See how that works

 

SMH

 

55

Edited October 8, 2017 by just got it 55

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, what does SMH stand for? I'm sorry but I am not well up with all the acronyms used here.

 

On another note there is an adage in the colloquial where I live which translated goes something like this "After devouring nine hundred mice the Cat decides to go on a spiritual pilgrimage"! The message here is clear. One cannot expect a leopard to change it's spots or for that matter for a donkey to replace a horse. I think the anger that OP feels is a direct result of having been defrauded of his marriage repeatedly, by the only one he trusted with his life and having that fact rubbed in his face by her. I think that is something very hard for anyone with an iota of self respect to swallow. It also follows from the adage that I quoted that the person doing the defrauding is NOT likely to change her attitude and characteristics unless a miracle occurs.

 

In such a case the OP would be well advised to remove himself completely from the situation involving his WW and chart his future course without her in his life. Then and only then will there be a possibility of getting over his anger finally. To my mind a kind of negative version of the adage "You can't have your cake and eat it too" applies here. If he thinks he can and must continue with his marriage then he will never be able to fully get rid of his anger because the cause of it will always be in front of him. Just a line of thinking. Warm wishes.

Edited October 9, 2017 by Just a Guy

[S2B]

SMH

 

Shaking my head

[Just a Guy]

Hi S2B, Thank you for your clarification. I come across so many acronyms these days and like a dog with a bone keep wrestling with them to the detriment of following the gist of the post. So thank you again.

[Cilantro]

I'm unconventional and have a rather slutty take on things. But I can tell you that for me, the anger did NOT go away over time AT ALL, but instead intensified, in part because my husband would not fess up--leading me to feel devalued, disrespected, condescended, and duped. I did not feel a relief of anger until I had my own revenge affairs, which helped to boost my own confidence and also give me closure and some sanity back. In my case, he cheated on me with female strippers (likewise, I did the same with male strippers). Sometimes I still have some lingering anger, mostly because I JUST recently got a confession out of him after a year and a half of wondering, dwelling, obsessing, and even letting my career go down the toilet as a result of this whole major marriage crisis (then again, that job was thankless and also unfaithful to me, so there were problems with the job even beyond anything happening in my home life). And also because I'm pregnant so my hormones are surging. I think the only thing I'm really angry about at this point is:

1. The "I told you so"s. Everyone, and I mean everyone, denied that he could ever do any wrongdoing to me, and then when I finally dropped bombshells on them about his whereabouts, proof of strip club visits, etc they acted shocked but then denied he'd ever do any physical SEXUAL cheating. Turns out they were either totally oblivious OR were rugsweeping at my expense, making me look like a fool. I tried to tell everyone this but everyone, including therapists, shut me down and rugswept things, making me feel crazy.

2. The time I wasted, wondering how to get proof when I knew in my head all along what he was probably doing. I wanted to visit various swingers clubs, meet up with cute guys, etc but I forced myself to wait until I had PROOF of wrongdoing before venturing. Eventually that did not happen so I ended up cheating with male strippers anyway. But I missed a lot of good holiday parties at the swingers club last winter, and now that I'm pregnant, I am limited on what I can do swinging-wise.

3. Although I too cheated with strippers that I spent money on, I still feel insecure about the fact that he spent so much money on strippers, particularly blonde slim Barbie type strippers. I feel inferior and less attractive in comparison. Here he was contributing to their fat salaries, while I was the struggling teacher hating my thankless, low-pay job. I wish I knew what it was like to have guys think I'm so hot that I'm worthy of having big money spent on me. It's rare that my husband even takes me out to dinner. More than half the time if we go out as a family, I'm the one stuck footing the bill. When I tried to meet guys through Ashley Madison and other sleazy affair dating sites, in hopes that guys would spend money on me taking me to dinner, guys almost always ended up bailing on me or standing me up. I would LOVE to know what it's like for men to want me enough that they'd foolishly spend their wive's and/or households' money on me. Yes, I know that's wrong. As a result, I've been contemplating auditioning to be a stripper, not as a job change but as a temporary 2-day thing, just long enough to let me get a taste of all the flattery and easy money. I probably should become a full-time employed stripper since I need the money, but I really do not have any intention of working as a stripper or being a stripper; I just want to be HOT and WANTED like a stripper. So yeah, that part angers me but I might still do my little 2-day stripper moonlighting before I start showing in my pregnancy lol.

[Cilantro]

I don't think I'm going to post on these threads anymore. Nobody ever responds after my posts, probably because my posts are so long and not succinct. Communication is my weak spot...which is probably why it took me so long just to be able to find someone to go for me, because I am incapable of holding a decent engaging and interesting conversation. Signing out now...I don't need this right now when I'm already feeling hormonal, annoyed, and like a failure with everything else going on with school and work.

[elaine567]

Anger is a defence mechanism

...What I’d like to clarify in this post is that a good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire not to experience guilt—and beyond this, the distressing emotions of hurt and fear.

It’s by now generally agreed upon that anger, as prevalent as it is in our species, is almost never a primary emotion.

For underlying it (as fellow blogger Steven Stosny pointed out two decades ago) are such core hurts as feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, rejected, powerless, and unlovable. And these feelings are capable of engendering considerable emotional pain. It’s therefore understandable that so many of us might go to great lengths to find ways of distancing ourselves from them.

 

In fact, those of us who routinely use anger as a “cover-up” to keep our more vulnerable feelings at bay, generally become so adept at doing so that we have little to no awareness of the dynamic driving our behavior. As I’ve discussed in earlier posts on the subject, anger is the emotion of invulnerability. Even though the self-empowerment (read, “adrenaline rush”) it immediately offers is bogus, it can yet be extremely tempting to get “attached”—or even “addicted”—to it if we frequently experience another as threatening the way we need to see ourselves (e.g., as important, trustworthy, lovable, etc.

 

After all, this is how all psychological defenses work. Simply put, they allow us to escape upsetting, shameful, or anxiety-laden feelings we may not have developed the emotional resources—or ego strength—to successfully cope with.). https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201306/anger-how-we-transfer-feelings-guilt-hurt-and-fear

[Friskyone4u]

Your staying in the anger phase is best thing that could happen to you. It prevents you from lingering in the “denial” phase.

 

Your wife has proven by her repeated breaking POV the NC and rife engaging in the affair that either she is so hooked on OM that she cannot stop, or she does not love you, or both.

 

You’re wasting your time with a multiple repeat offender. Cut your losses and move on

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cilantro, reading your posts made me shake my head and feel sad on your behalf. Reading your posts what jumps out at me is the fact that you think so little of yourself and have such a low self esteem. If you are in the teaching line I take it you are well educated and well read. That fact itself should be enough to ensure that you know better than to downplay your worth as a human being and to always value yourself as being someone of real worth. Sadly, you are looking for validation in all the wrong places. Strippers and Swingers will not really boost your self worth and self confidence. You need to undertake IC to understand the root cause of your poor self esteem problems and it may be something rooted in your past possibly even in your childhood.

 

With a child on the way I would caution you to be even more careful as you are likely to be affected by post part um depression which can send you spinning out of control. Your first task should be to build up your self esteem and for that you should explore avenues which make you feel good about yourself. You may need to work out more, cultivate a new circle of friends and take up new hobbies which are constructive and fulfilling for you. Read a lot of self help books and if you are not happy with your current job profile, then research jobs which you know intrinsically, are interesting for you and will add to the excitement factor for you. There is a book which I have recommended to others on here and I will recommend to you too. It is the book 'Psycho-Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. You can get it on Amazon. Read it and follow the principles laid down in it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

 

Browneyedguy sorry for the thread jack. However some of this may be helpful to you too. I still stand by my previous post. You need to separate from your wife. I think your anger is more the righteous kind where you find yourself completely disgusted with your wife's actions. Give it a serious thought. Warm wishes.

[S2B]

Stop handing her all YOUR power.

 

Start to do things that make you happy. Work on those happy things and grow those bigger.

 

When you no longer care - because there are other things in your life that are so rewarding - things will come into focus for you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Brown eyed, on reading through your thread again I found that almost everyone was concentrating on the aspect of anger in your case but seemed to overlook an equally if not more, important fact. Your wife was in an affair for [/b]two years off and on and after your first D Day you caught her repeatedly cheating again. The fact is that a two year affair is a swansong for your marriage and there is really no coming back from that. Your wife is not remorseful and there is no point in flogging a dead horse and trying to reconcile with her. Your efforts are guaranteed to fail and your anger will only mount and become unbearable. Just leave and find a good woman to actually love you. Warm wishes.

[dichotomy]

No

 

 

Maybe - if you count replacing it with not giving a $h!t. There is a form of peace in this.

[harrybrown]

while you are separated, is she back in with her AP?