in need of insight from regretful cheaters

[Southwardbound]

Hi, I wrote this post in the second chances forum already but I didn't get the insight I was looking for unfortunately.

 

I am looking for insight from ex-cheaters, regretful ones, who cheated even if they loved their partners, because that is what my husband unfortunately did.

 

I have found out 3 months ago that my husband of two years had been cheating on me with an ex in the first months of our relationship, also after he asked me to get married (he did after only 4 months in the relationship, we're in our late 30s).

 

We had a child together that is a bit more than 1 year old now, and after he made me leave the uk to be with him and start a new life as a family in another european country (his country) I also found out he was sexting and planning to see another ex lover (but he didn't in the end, thankfully he had a little bit of respect).

 

I have to specify that I found out about the previous cheating and the other girl all together, or else I would have NEVER decided to marry him and have a family together of course.

 

I've been through the worst three months of my life, listening to him saying that he loves me and made a huge mistake not cutting contacts with his past after he decided to be exclusive with me (and get married to me). I saw him crying in a corner of our child's room all night, shaking, asking me to not look at him and to leave him, because he's not good enough for me and our family.

I didn't leave him alone, I was afraid he would do something stupid to be honest.

 

I have already decided to try give him another chance so comments suggesting me not to stay in this relationship are not really relevant at this point.

I know it's difficult to understand my point of view, but I don't have self esteem issues and I am aware that these other women are not worth a fraction of me.

 

What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

 

It is really, really difficult for me to understand, as whenever I have been in a relationship and found I was even slightly interested in other people, I ended up reconsidering my commitment and ending the relationship I was in.

 

Also I might need to add that after I got pregnant he basically lost all his desire for me. We haven't had sex for almost a year and a half, and this hurt my identity as a woman really bad and made me insecure towards him. even if I am actually a quite attractive woman, late 30s, and look ten years younger.

 

I am having a hard time trusting and understanding this man who disappointed me so much, but on the other hand I see a lot of shame and regret for what he did on his side, and love for me and our daughter, and I love him deeply too.

 

Maybe it could help to know that I am currently the breadwinner at home (so I'm not staying for status or financial security) and I have a good career (was making 3 times the money he did since the beginning)

 

So, I love him, I don't need him, and think I could possibly find someone better out there, but I don't want, not yet. I married him and promised to be by his side even when he fails and things are not good, so I want to give him and our family another chance.

 

I would like to see if there's people who experienced something similar in life and got trough it, one way or another. Thanks for your help.

S

 

My advice to you would be to go see a lawyer, regardless of what you might be feeling for him at the minute. You are a breadwinner who lives in a foreign country, with a child. Know what your rights are and what would happen if it gets bad and you have to have a divorce. Divorce & custody rights are extremely messing when they become international, especially if you do not wish to live in that country for the rest of your life.

 

Be aware that The EU can make you stay there, if you wish to keep custody of your child, if he does not have the financial means to visit the child.

 

GET a passport for your child immediately, if you don't already have one, as he will have to sign the application form. That way he can not hold you captured so to speak.

 

Get a notary signed letter have the lawyer write it, that says you have permission to take your child out of the country. This way he cannot get you for Kidnapping. Tell him it's for travel purposes to go see your parents for the Christmas holidays.

 

Even if you do not think now you will not need these things, I advise you now to do them, before you have any disagreements with him. You sound like your a smart, levelheaded person, continue to be so for the well being of your child.

 

Chances are things will die down in the short term, because he will not wish to lose you, & the child who represent his comfort food. But that will not always be the case, as others here have said, he will most likely do it again. It is what happened to me. So, quietly start to protect yourself and your child in the meanwhile.

 

I'm advising you to do these things out of personal experience with international divorce.

[Müun]

My advice to you would be to go see a lawyer, regardless of what you might be feeling for him at the minute. You are a breadwinner who lives in a foreign country, with a child. Know what your rights are and what would happen if it gets bad and you have to have a divorce. Divorce & custody rights are extremely messing when they become international, especially if you do not wish to live in that country for the rest of your life.

 

Be aware that The EU can make you stay there, if you wish to keep custody of your child, if he does not have the financial means to visit the child.

 

GET a passport for your child immediately, if you don't already have one, as he will have to sign the application form. That way he can not hold you captured so to speak.

 

Get a notary signed letter have the lawyer write it, that says you have permission to take your child out of the country. This way he cannot get you for Kidnapping. Tell him it's for travel purposes to go see your parents for the Christmas holidays.

 

Even if you do not think now you will not need these things, I advise you now to do them, before you have any disagreements with him. You sound like your a smart, levelheaded person, continue to be so for the well being of your child.

 

Chances are things will die down in the short term, because he will not wish to lose you, & the child who represent his comfort food. But that will not always be the case, as others here have said, he will most likely do it again. It is what happened to me. So, quietly start to protect yourself and your child in the meanwhile.

 

I'm advising you to do these things out of personal experience with international divorce.

 

The child has a British passport already and I can easily find proofs of his cheating plus some others not properly legal behaviours. That shouldn't be a problem. Thank you!

[Müun]

I am regretful cheater - out of 15.5 years of faithfulness I cheated for 6 months.

 

This man is a HABITUAL cheater.

 

He was NEVER faithful to you. He lost desire for you. He placed other before you.

 

Those things I find very troubling.

 

Okay - so my story as to WHY? Well, before I met my husband I was never much of an monogamous myself. I always had a pretty casual view of sex, and in the past really enjoyed FWB relationships - something about having a relationship for sex, and sex only I found very freeing.

 

So there is some background, never needed an emotional connection for great sex.

 

And really, it's all me, I know it's my fault, my bad choices, I am NOT blaming him, but there where some contributing factor.

 

My husband suffers from bouts of depression, and it can be hard for him to give me the extra attention that I didn't know I was needing - until I started getting it. It had been so long since I felt really desired, eons since I felt "sexy" (and sex is so important to me) - and when that extra attention stepped into my life it was like a drug.

 

I wanted that high, once I got a taste, then like an addict I chased my fix. I loved the attention, I loved doing something for me, and only me, to be selfish for a change. It was easy to not feel bad about it until he found out - and I had to realize the pain I had caused.

 

The other man? Yeah not someone I would have ever pursed a relationship with, but he was charming, extremely handsome, and 9 years my junior - which simply served to stroke my ego even more. I would have never thought to get involved with an ex - to me it was important that it was only about sex and stroking my ego.

 

Meanwhile - I never neglected my husband, I got pushier about initiating sex, but otherwise he had no clues.

 

I am sure he genuinely feels bad for crushing you, but I think he will need some serious therapy, and do all sorts of back flips to show you have absolutely serious he is. This isn't a one time opps. This isn't a little rough patch, this has been going on throughout your entire relationship. You have never had a committed, monogamous relationship with him.

 

Creating one now, after all of this damage is going to be a hard uphill battle.

My husband is the one who's been suffering from depression and anxiety for years, years before meeting me. I accepted to leave the uk because he was really unhappy there and when I did, together with being a new mum, not speaking the language and not having my own social circle he felt like his rock (Me) was now fragile. I'm not justifying him at all. He did something ****ty to me when I was at my most vulnerable, instead of supporting me or just being there.

What I think tho is that he might have felt overwhelmed with responsibilities and decided to run away in a world of nostalgia and fantasy, back then when nobody was expecting anything from him. Anything more than a good time every once in a while I mean. He's never had serious committed relationships before me basically and was a single man with many flings for a few years, his ex and him had broken up 3 years before but stated **** buddies even if she was in w new relationship. After we got together I know for sure they had sex twice but then kept texting. She was in another relationship too and when me and him moved in together right after we found out I was pregnant apparently they decided to stop seeing each other. Now I am waiting for proof about this, because I don't trust his word only anymore.

[Müun]

What have you done to save your marriage and

where is your BH's mind at now?

 

He's stopped all contacts and deleted from social media and blocked on phone/whatsapp Borg people and all the other people he had something before in his life that he used to keep in touch with.

I have started consueling alone for now and this month he's starting therapy too.

[Müun]

Its pretty simple. When you're in the act of cheating, your SO rarely comes into the thought process. At least, in my case. Cheaters are usually only focused on their needs & desires being met. Selfishness in its rarest form. He probably never really focused on what he would lose and/or if he did, he rejected the notion that he was doing anything wrong (he "loves" you but he deserves to have fun) and that he would even get caught. There is a lot of justifying that takes place. People who have cheated, have weak boundaries and poor moral compasses. Not to mention, extremely wreck less. In my case, I just wanted some excitement and I didn't care who I hurt in the process. It was all about me. No, it isn't your job to repair this but if this is the man you want to be with, you have to help him see that he needs to change his thought processes and nature. You can't "rug-sweep." With that said, you can only help someone who actually wants to be helped.

 

I'm sure there is a place where he "loves" you. You just have to truly decide if you can live with his variation of love. It takes a mentally strong person to go back to a cheater. It also takes a mentally strong person to stop cheating. Sure, give him one more chance but don't be surprised if it happens again. I pray that it doesn't for the sake of your family.

 

Thanks very much for this, it is exactly what I was looking for. I can't relate to this kind of beahaviour but you sound like someone who did some soul searching and you've done w good job verbalizing it. Of course it sucks thinking that my husband could pretend I didn't exist every once in w while for the sake of his own fun. Even more sucks the fact that he couldn't look for this kind of fun with me, because I could have given him the same and probably better. But, if excitement and the illicit are what a cheater might look for then of course as the main partner I couldn't have given him this. It all sucks because his weakness sucks, but I think that if you love someone ( and I think I am a mentally strong person) you can at least try to get over it and start a completely new relationship with hopefully a new and better person.

[Müun]

I have wondered the same thing. Asked the MM I was involved with about it, because I couldn't really wrap my head around it either. According to him, he has a beautiful, sweet wife at home that he loves. So why cheat on her? He tried to explain it to me various ways, but the only explanation that seemed to get close to the truth was that he had a problem, and the problem was that he needed attention (especially from women, I'm assuming).

 

I believe MM is a narcissist. He NEEDS that attention in order to feel whole. After the wife has children her focus is directed on them, so the narcissist has to look elsewhere for supply. It's really not the wife's fault - there is no amount of attention that is going to satisfy a narcissist, because there is a bottomless black pit of need inside that can't ever be filled. So they have to keep jumping from one woman to the next for that quick fix.

 

[]

 

Maybe this isn't the case with your husband, but I am pretty sure it was with MM, and probably the incidence is higher with men who cheat on their wives in general.

 

I can't hide that I had the same fear of him having narcissistic traits to be honest. He's starting therapy in a couple of weeks and hopefully it's going to help him make sense of the bull**** he did. Because I want answers from him.

Regarding you, I hope it was only sex you were looking for because looking at a married man for emotional satisfaction is not a good idea for any woman looking for a healthy relationship. I think even the other woman/man deserves better than that. Good luck.

Edited September 30, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Müun]

I've never cheated but I have been in a sexless marriage. I can tell you that if my wife had no interest in me coupled with a strong interest in other men, the combination would be a killer.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but you should dump his shivering, crying, don't-look-at-me ass. The only honest thing he's told you so far is that he's not good enough for you.

 

If you do choose to stay, maybe the above is part of the problem that he needs to work through. You've outdone him in every way. You earn more, you're probably better looking, you've got your act together, where he clearly doesn't. I bet you even parent better than he does. So he's probably really insecure and somewhat resentful around you. The other girls stroke his ego just by virtue of the fact that they're "beneath" him. They're the ones he's comfortable around because he can actually believe their interest in him.

 

It's just a theory--I really don't know what's going on in his head. But if I'm correct, these are issues that he needs to work on, not you.

 

Your theory makes a lot of sense actually and in the many sleepless nights I've spent in the past three months I thought about this too. I pity him, as much as I love him, and I pity the other women because it takes a sad and lonely woman to fall into something like this with a married ex-**** buddy. It's like, you're single my friend, get a new different guy to actually shag you every night, not one that just gives you breadcrumbs of his time when he can. And where's the fun and the ego stroke whit someone you've *****d already many times? But I suppose there's a lot of people with low self esteem out there and plenty of times on their hands. Like my husband was too, while I was working all day and attending after our infant at night. Sorry if this offends someone but it's just not very logical in my opinion. And you can sense I am still angry I suppose, especially because I know one of the women ( ugly as f*** btw)

[carhill]

OP, IDK if this is helpful or not but my takeaway from the whole process, including the counseling and divorce process, was to take each day as it comes. I'm faithful today. I have zero idea what tomorrow will bring. Can't predict the future nor read minds. I can, however, make healthy choices in the here and now.

 

What I would like to understand or at least listen, from a cheater's point of view is: how is it possible to want to commit and to love a person but keep being interested sexually and look for attention of other women. And why exes or people you've never even wanted to be in a relationship with?

 

Every marriage and affair is unique in those regards. Sure, some generalities can be presumed but the specifics are unique to the parties. IMO, if you're interested in recovering your marriage, and your spouse is, move beyond the forensics and work on the here and now and tools to recover the marriage to a healthy state down the road. Figure five to ten years if both parties sincerely want it to work.

 

If your spouse is still on the fence and not demonstrating clear focus on the M and ending destructive behavior, move on. That's a hard choice, I understand. Best wishes in your decisions.

[lostgirl87]

and I pity the other women because it takes a sad and lonely woman to fall into something like this with a married ex-**** buddy. It's like, you're single my friend, get a new different guy to actually shag you every night, not one that just gives you breadcrumbs of his time when he can. And where's the fun and the ego stroke whit someone you've *****d already many times? But I suppose there's a lot of people with low self esteem out there and plenty of times on their hands. Like my husband was too, while I was working all day and attending after our infant at night. Sorry if this offends someone but it's just not very logical in my opinion. And you can sense I am still angry I suppose, especially because I know one of the women ( ugly as f*** btw)

 

As a former OW whose MM eventually filed for divorce- just be careful. He told her he had cut off contact with me months ago but we never stopped. He just got better about hiding it. I don’t know if your husband has truly changed or if he hasn’t. What I do know is that yiu said your husband stopped desiring you and that’s scary. I don’t think the issues are yours and I don’t think you’re the problem but I do think that the probability of him cheating on you again is pretty high. I’m not saying leave him now but just be cautious. Don’t be too trusting right away. When I stop to think about the mind games that my bf played on his soon to be ex wife, it’s mind-boggling. These are his issues to fix, if he can. Take care of you and your child and see what comes of it.

 

And FYI- my self esteem was never low. I don’t think it’s fair to say that about everyone. That would be like me saying that a BW has low self esteem b/c she is choosing to stay with her cheating husband. I understand you’re angry and wouldn’t have good things to say about the other woman or women. Just providing a little persecptive from the other side.

 

I do wish you luck, OP!

[Timshel]

My response to you was harsh and for that, I apologize. I won't deny that it is somewhat unfathomable to myself that there was never an inkling, but that is neither here nor there.

 

I couldn't imagine staying with a man who lied from the beginning. Liars don't change.

I mean that.

Most people fib about inconsequential things occasionally, ie..calling in sick, you look great...etc.

 

Compulsive liars, the kind your husband is....don't fare well in counseling because they lie to the counselor. The epiphany/growth is almost impossible.

 

I understand he's a human being, the father of your child and you love him. I'm sorry that you are hurting.

 

Perhaps the best thing is to set up counseling for yourself and to contact a lawyer in order to know which steps are needed to protect yourself and child. An STD panel would be a good idea as well.

 

If you want to stay with him, you will have a very difficult road ahead with the potential of not ever having any trust in him.

 

I wish you well Muun.

[Southwardbound]

The child has a British passport already and I can easily find proofs of his cheating plus some others not properly legal behaviours. That shouldn't be a problem. Thank you!

 

In EU countries; please do not think that just because he is a cheater & you have proof this will necessarily give you the upper hand in a divorce situation. In the UK you can divorce him on grounds of adultery, & you can even go after the person he did it with in Civil Court, but the divorce grounds will NOT affect your child custody issues.

 

Most EU Courts follow a prescribed martial settlements as far as financial distribution goes. Child custody over the last ten years has been a dramatically changing arena. Even if you divorce on the grounds of adultery, that does NOT effect his child custodial rights. Many countries do split custody now, where the two of you have to live in close proximity to one another and your child then does split time between you each week, all year long.

 

If you wish to move back to the UK to live, then it's best you do your divorce there... that means you need to live there for six months prior so he cannot have the case shifted back to the previous place you two were living together.

 

If you do move back to the UK, then it is possible you may be able to get sole custody, or a custody agreement that he has child on holiday. But you will have to be very strong and stick to your guns to get this kind of agreement.

 

I tell you this, because I don't wish you to be under any illusion that just because he 'cheats' and you can 'prove it' that - that will give carte blanche with your child custody. That is why you really need to see a lawyer first, if you think that your marriage isn't going to work out.

 

If he is a narcisst, then I'd make very sure you have everything sorted as far as the lawyer goes, money in a separate bank account / cash, in case, before you confront him.

Good luck.

Edited September 30, 2017 by Southwardbound

[elaine567]

It doesn't really matter what "regretful" WSs have to say on here, they are not your husband, no-one knows apart from him what he is thinking.

You cannot superimpose other's experiences onto him as experiences vary widely.

 

There are WSs who vow to change and do, WSs who say they will change but don't, WSs who will continue to lie to their wife, WSs who will lie to therapists or anyone else who gets in their way, WSs who will cut off the OW dead after D-day, WSs who continue to grieve for years for their OW, WSs who just keep seeing the OW despite solemnly promising otherwise, WSs who will jettison one OW to merely get another, WSs who eventually leave for the OW, and multiple other scenarios too...

Take your pick, we have heard it all on here. Read the stories on the OW/OM part of the forum, some WSs contribute there too.

 

The overwhelming "truth" it seems to me is that WSs will do whatever is best for themselves...

[merrmeade]

He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him).

And, although I did the same thing, it surprises me more and more that we betrayed spouses actually accept their sudden 100% turn-around. They play that "ashamed" card as if getting caught made them acknowledge and face what they were doing. Don't believe it. It's all damage control.

[Chica80]

He actually does believe in monogamy, and said if it was me doing what he did, he would have never been able to give me another chance and is very ashamed of what he did. He's starting consueling in a couple of weeks too ( but on this I pushed him). I was hoping to hear from cheaters to be honest, to get an insight into a cheater's mindset but I guess people who do these kind of things don't really like to go around bragging about it. Still, I would appreciate it.

 

He believes in monogamy alright, but only for you. He wants you to be monogomous.

I asked MM once if you found out your wife (fiance) at the time was cheating on you how would you feel. "I could never forgive her"

He found out I was dating and when he found out I was moving on and there was actually someone I really liked, he became super jealous. So he is married, has told me that I should move on find someone that can give me what he can't.

And when I do....jealousy, crying drunk text.

Ya he's sorry he cries he knows how hurtful he is to everyone around. But it hasn't changed him....

 

He "loves" he is "sorry" I'm sure that he feels really guilty and bad that he hurt you, but he won't change.

[sandylee1]

The thing I find hypocritical is him not being able to forgive you, if you cheated. Just hearing that would be the reason I filed for divorce.

[road]

The thing I find hypocritical is him not being able to forgive you, if you cheated. Just hearing that would be the reason I filed for divorce.

 

It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why

many WS when in their own affair they start becoming

suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

 

Remember false justification is a one way street for the

WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them

to cheat it is ok for their BS.

[Müun]

It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why

many WS when in their own affair they start becoming

suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

 

Remember false justification is a one way street for the

WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them

to cheat it is ok for their BS.

 

I can totally recognize my husband in this. He's always been the jealous one, was jealous of my ex and me keeping in touch (for completely non romantic and non sexual reasons, we lived together for w long time and I still had some of my things at his house, plus we had a cat together and sometimes he was keeping it if I was traveling)

[sandylee1]

It is quite normal for a WS to be this way. This is why

many WS when in their own affair they start becoming

suspicious of their BS doing the same as them.

 

Remember false justification is a one way street for the

WS. They never think it through that if it is ok for them

to cheat it is ok for their BS.

 

I understand the suspicion they develop...but if I actually heard those words "I wouldn't forgive if you did it " I'd flip.

 

That would mark the end of the marriage, even if I was initially going to try and reconcile.

 

He's asking you to forgive what he wouldn't.... that translates (to me), to thinking I'm a fool to forgive.

 

Being cheated on so early in the relationship is very grim ... that was the honeymoon phase.... I can't see the future is going to make him super moral and faithful.

[MandoGirl]

I think you’ll find, OP, everybody’s answer will be a little different because everybody’s affairs are different.

 

In my case, I’m not sure how to answer... I didn’t love my husband anymore so there wasn’t a “how can I love both?” or even “how could I love him?” factor. I simply didn’t love him. But I was young and dumb and didn’t know what to do about it.

 

In my AP’s case, the love he had for me vs his wife was totally different. His love for her was the type that he felt he owed it to stay married to her, he loved the idea of their family, he felt the need to take care of her, but he didn’t love her beyond what he felt he owed her by being her husband. That was way different than what we had.

 

I think this part of figuring out the “how” is more about resolving your feelings than it is understanding his. That’s not bad... It’s actually really good. It’s just that it’s something that will make you nuts to try and decode.

[merrmeade]

Liars don't change.

I mean that.

Most people fib about inconsequential things occasionally, ie..calling in sick, you look great...etc.

 

Compulsive liars, the kind your husband is....don't fare well in counseling because they lie.

This is true. My husband can't do counseling for this reason. They lie when they're going to look bad. It's the worst thing imaginable. Difference is he doesn't have anything to lie about any more.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

This may be way off the mark, but is there any chance your husband has come to view you as "mommy"?

 

Some men, especially those who are stuck in the mindset of an teenager, can come to view their spouse almost as a parent. In their mind, their spouse is somehow keeping them from being able to do something they want to do, and they rebel against that authority-the same way an adolescent will when his parents tell him not to do/ to do something.

 

Then, when it all blows up, they come running home to their "mommy" ( their spouse) expecting comfort and support.

 

It's an odd dynamic, but it can happen.

 

If you feel that could be what's going on with him, he may well not be able to change his behavior, even if he really does want to, without some professional help. This doesn't mean he can't change, just that it may be really hard for him, and by extension, you.

[Müun]

op,

 

This may be way off the mark, but is there any chance your husband has come to view you as "mommy"?

 

Some men, especially those who are stuck in the mindset of an teenager, can come to view their spouse almost as a parent. In their mind, their spouse is somehow keeping them from being able to do something they want to do, and they rebel against that authority-the same way an adolescent will when his parents tell him not to do/ to do something.

 

Then, when it all blows up, they come running home to their "mommy" ( their spouse) expecting comfort and support.

 

It's an odd dynamic, but it can happen.

 

If you feel that could be what's going on with him, he may well not be able to change his behavior, even if he really does want to, without some professional help. This doesn't mean he can't change, just that it may be really hard for him, and by extension, you.

 

Well, the little explanation he was able to give me is that indeed he wasn't able to cut things with his past/was afraid to grow up. I'm not sure if it's a mommy thing because he was cheating on me before I got pregnant with an ex (who turned friend with benefits, even if she was in a relationship) but that was a couple of times and then he stopped when we moved in together, right after I found out I was pregnant. It is **** because he basically did it just a few days after he proposed and we signed the papers to get married. Could be fear of commitment but a very sick thing to do. After I got pregnant he never cheated physically (as far as I know) but was sexting with various people from his past, almost ended up meeting up with one but then decided not to at the last minute.

This is heartbreaking for me anyway, doesn't make much it less bad than if he did, but I see that you have a point when you talk about rebellion. Funny thing is he asked me to get married, he really encouraged me about keeping the child ( I wasn't sure). I was shutting myself too for how quickly things were going and how my life was about to change but it's not an excuse to cheat. It actually makes it worst because he abandoned me when I was feeling the most vulnerable I've ever felt in my life. He says that now, after the cold shower of my discovery and the idea to lose me and his family, he will never do anything like this again. He's starting therapy in a couple of weeks and I want to write a letter to hid psychologist, to talk about my side of the story. I get that I can't be in contact with the Doctor while he's doing therapy but I would like to prevent him from omitting things and edit the truth. Not sure if that's possible but I will try.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and for not giving a quick opinion based on your personal bias. Very appreciated.

[elaine567]

Google

"The Infidelity Megafecta" and read it, it is not very long but it is good.The article gives a list of "the non-sexual issues that rear their ugly heads in the course of an affair."

 

 

[Ahurtgirl]

This is hard for me to understand also. I couldn't cheat on someone I actually loved. My exhusband was gay so we loved each other like sibblings do, nothing sexual. My exMM I did actually love in all the ways possible... but obviously he was married so that was a stupid decision for me but I couldn't have ever cheated on him. I was completely dedicated to him. I still feel like I don't want to be involved with anyone since what all happened. I just have no desire to date and not sure if I ever will pursue another relationship. Being alone is peaceful.