Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 The conversation looked like this: Friend: so how is it going with that guy? Me: it's going nowhere actually, I wrote to him that it won't work out... F: oh, why so? Me: quite frankly - he's boring. Talking to him doesn't excite me, neither do I feel attracted to him all that much. I'm back on (local dating site) lol F: (proceeds to tell me the thing I wrote in my OP). Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 (edited) The conversation looked like this: Friend: so how is it going with that guy? Me: it's going nowhere actually, I wrote to him that it won't work out... F: oh, why so? Me: quite frankly - he's boring. Talking to him doesn't excite me, neither do I feel attracted to him all that much. I'm back on (local dating site) lol F: (proceeds to tell me the thing I wrote in my OP). Are you happy with the local dating site or frustrated at not finding what you want? Edited to add: I think his delivery was rude, but I suspect there's a message in it. A lot of people here can't find what they want when dating and don't know why. We tell them to ask their friends for feedback. I suspect that you've got a friend who's giving you feedback. Harshly delivered feedback perhaps, but feedback nonetheless. Edited October 1, 2017 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 The point in telling someone that they are average could be about bringing them back down to earth if they are being too picky and not happy with the dates they are getting. Yeah, I get that you're tall and only tall guys. But if you judge by appearances, why can you not be judged by appearances in return? What goes around comes around. Once again - I'm not in the clouds about my appearance. So if your friend ever tells you about her preferences, you feel like it gives you right to criticize her appearance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 (edited) he is only attracted by very hot women. Do you still think he has the right to punish me for some kind of preference, if he talks how he won't commit because there's too many hotties he wants to test? Edited October 1, 2017 by Lorenza Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 he is only attracted by very hot women. Do you still think he has the right to punish me for some kind of preference, if he talks how he won't commit because there's too many hotties he wants to test? Gosh, you're seriously overthinking his comment. WTH it even means to be a 'very hot' woman. I'm sure whatever it is I'm not it, and I'm still very happy with my appearance. Why? Because it's me Appearance is one of the things I never felt compelled to get external validation for, so I find it very weird you need it. You have mirror, right? You can see you have a nice body/hair/face -why do you need some random dude's approval to what you can see yourself? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 If he's just a friend, why do you care if he thinks you're average? I still think he's after you himself. Link to post Share on other sites
MyOphelia Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Maybe it's not so much about wanting your friends to think you're attractive or appealing,....but admittedly it does help when they do (naturally, organically) find your good qualities and like to bring them to your attention,... But maybe it has more to do with - why have someone in your social circle who feels the need to draw attention to what they feel are your weak points or to go out of their way, uninvited, to tell you how inadequate you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 Gosh, you're seriously overthinking his comment. WTH it even means to be a 'very hot' woman. I'm sure whatever it is I'm not it, and I'm still very happy with my appearance. Why? Because it's me Appearance is one of the things I never felt compelled to get external validation for, so I find it very weird you need it. You have mirror, right? You can see you have a nice body/hair/face -why do you need some random dude's approval to what you can see yourself? Because I feel it's not right for him to judge my looks, we should be way beyond that. I was happy to have a friend for cozy jam sessions once or twice a month. This comment wasn't the first one, he's made a couple of those before. I guess I just wished that he didn't see me as some random female he feels like evaluating on a scale of attractiveness and looked at me as a soul buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 1, 2017 Author Share Posted October 1, 2017 Maybe it's not so much about wanting your friends to think you're attractive or appealing,....but admittedly it does help when they do (naturally, organically) find your good qualities and like to bring them to your attention,... But maybe it has more to do with - why have someone in your social circle who feels the need to draw attention to what they feel are your weak points or to go out of their way, uninvited, to tell you how inadequate you are. Exactly! Talking to friends should feel safe, a place where you, for once, aren't judged for your appearance flaws. And people like basil can call it "girly feelgood bs" all they want, I still feel like there's no need for friends to point out what they think are your weak points. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Because I feel it's not right for him to judge my looks, we should be way beyond that. I was happy to have a friend for cozy jam sessions once or twice a month. This comment wasn't the first one, he's made a couple of those before. I guess I just wished that he didn't see me as some random female he feels like evaluating on a scale of attractiveness and looked at me as a soul buddy. The next time he does it tell him this. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Once again - I'm not in the clouds about my appearance. So if your friend ever tells you about her preferences, you feel like it gives you right to criticize her appearance? In your opening post, you asked if you were overreacting. For me, the key to figuring out our reactions to someone else is to look at their intentions. I was offering possibly insight into his intentions. I now realise that you're sure that you're not overreacting and this post was a vent rather than a question. I'm almost impossible to offend and I forget that others are more sensitive than me. One of my best friends would be outraged by his comments and another wouldn't bat an eyelid. As you're like my first best friend, I suggest you dump him from your life. You need people who are sensitive and tactful.....and this is completely acceptable. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe. I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable! That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league? If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that. Edited October 2, 2017 by salparadise 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 2, 2017 Author Share Posted October 2, 2017 I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe. I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable! That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league? If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that. It did struck a nerve because, as I explained, I expect friendship to work differently than mating. Friendship shouldn't put significance on appearance. I tried to open my mind a bit, by inviting men as friends into my life. For most of my adult life I didn't believe in friendship between the opposite sexes and it affected my dating behavior a lot - I have actually dissed (or maybe not dissed, but decided not to date) men due to the fact that they had female friends. I thought it's something I certainly don't want to deal with, cause such friendship isn't genuine on men's behalf. But most men do have female friends or acquaintances so I couldn't continue sticking my head in the sand and decided to try and get to know this type of friendship. And it's been going well until recently. I feel like this incident proves me right in a way. I understand that this is just one case, but that's honestly how I feel right now, that friendship between men and women isn't genuine. But I hope I'll still experience something that will change my mind. I don't have any resentment towards him (well expect now after all these comments lol). And he never ever acted like he is attracted to me and neither did I. We would normally meet at his studio, play music and drink beer. He's definitely not out of my league but I feel like we're in two completely different leagues because of how different we are. Not compatible for dating at all. Don't know if it makes sense, but I think we all meet people along the way, that we can't imagine having anything romantical or physical with, even though there's completely nothing wrong with them and we objectively see why others might find them attractive and we like them as people. Well anyway, I have decided to not continue investing in this friendship and find another music buddy. This friendship feels ruined and ingenuine. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 As a woman who never identified my looks as my biggest asset this is all so strange to read ( this was a shock for me when I grew up that anyone thinks that! My family will mock me to no end if I though my looks are the biggest asset of a woman - I was always told career and education are the biggest assets, and even statements like ' if you fail in life, you can get married'). What's wrong friends commenting on each other's looks? Thats why it is friendship not romance. People can openly say what they think. IDK, with my friends we make muuuuch more cruel comments to each other but no one cares exactly because they're just friends, I only care if my romantic interests like me physically. I'm annoyed at how much this thread enlarges the presumption that a woman's value is all about beauty/sex appeal. We all know how that works, accept and integrate in a certain way, but also transcend it in interactions with friends. It's important to have evolved friends, I believe. I can't even imagine that a male friend would seriously assess/comment on a woman's looks as though he held some special entitlement to make derogatory pronouncements to put you in your place. I mean seriously, compliments are often used as social lubricant... but declaring a friend, directly to her face, unsolicited, to be just average is so crass as to be almost unbelievable! That being said, it appears that his not-so-subtle dissing struck a nerve. I sense that there must be more going on... some underlying resentment for him, and perhaps some expectation of validation by him on your part. Are you two covertly doing the dance? Is he secretly desirous, and are you subtly rejecting or teasing him, sending him cues that you consider yourself to be out of his league? If it's really nothing more than him being that crass, insensitive, and socially inept... it may be time to evaluate him based on that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 If I didn't know any better, I'd suspect that he had a thing for you and it was unrequited on your end so now he's taking little pot shots here and there. He can **** off. This is EXACTLY what I thought. There is a subset of men who do this - they just cannot handle a woman NOT wanting them, so they have to "take them down a peg." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lorenza Posted October 2, 2017 Author Share Posted October 2, 2017 As a woman who never identified my looks as my biggest asset this is all so strange to read ( this was a shock for me when I grew up that anyone thinks that! My family will mock me to no end if I though my looks are the biggest asset of a woman - I was always told career and education are the biggest assets, and even statements like ' if you fail in life, you can get married'). What's wrong friends commenting on each other's looks? Thats why it is friendship not romance. People can openly say what they think. IDK, with my friends we make muuuuch more cruel comments to each other but no one cares exactly because they're just friends, I only care if my romantic interests like me physically. My friendships aren't like that. Guess we're all different. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 You were right to call him out on his comments. If he's making these comments to you, my guess is that he says similar to other women and ends up shooting himself in the foot. He sounds overly fixated on age and appearance; it's not about you or how you perceive your appearance. It's one thing to ask a friend for constructive opinions on a specific subject that might be at odds with what you want to hear, and someone taking cheap shots. Some people enjoy rude banter with friends, but it's usually reciprocal and a long established dynamic. Part of being a good friend is understanding and acknowledging boundaries and comfort zones; the way you'd joke with one friend isn't necessarily how you would interact with another. Why have someone in your life who thinks that it's fine to point out perceived flaws? Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 My friendships aren't like that. Guess we're all different. Oh, I guarantee all the "rise above it" would go out the window if someone gets called a hag or fat or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Purrrfect Posted October 19, 2017 Share Posted October 19, 2017 I wouldn’t be hurt by that comment. There are younger more beautiful women than you and I both on this planet. Link to post Share on other sites
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