I love you, but you are going to lose!

[heavenonearth]

OP,

 

Actions are ALWAYS mote convincing than words. Words are cheap...all words are cheap.

 

If you are expecting a flurry of declaration of love for you,it probably won't happen like the Movie version you are seeking.

 

You see, if he was in a LTR before you it is understandable if he wants to take t slow. 8 months is nothing compared to 15 years. "I Love You" is like crossing a Rubicon...once you cross it you cannot come back from it.

 

Pay more attention to his actions.

 

I could tell you "I love you" and then bang your best friend behind your back. Anyone could. Would the words line up with the action?

 

No.

 

So don't put too much stock in anything anyone says...including me. lol.

Take stock in Actions.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

Yes, i know, it makes sense, and his actions do say i love you. so i should focus on that.

[Gaeta]

I am 30, he is 38.

 

So he was with this woman since the age of 22. I can relate to him, I was married at 20. He has a lot of figuring out to do. There was another thread on here about evolving as human beings. We all agree we do most of our evolving while single. Once in a committed relationship (live-in) we put our evolution on hold. This guy has from 22 to 38 to catch up with.

 

I think your best strategy is to let go. Let go of the title, it's not going to give you anything more than what you have already. Your a student, you are not ready to settle yet and for many more years so why focus on a title after only 4 months together when you have exclusivity.

[heavenonearth]

So he was with this woman since the age of 22. I can relate to him, I was married at 20. He has a lot of figuring out to do. There was another thread on here about evolving as human beings. We all agree we do most of our evolving while single. Once in a committed relationship (live-in) we put our evolution on hold. This guy has from 22 to 38 to catch up with.

 

I think your best strategy is to let go. Let go of the title, it's not going to give you anything more than what you have already. Your a student, you are not ready to settle yet and for many more years so why focus on a title after only 4 months together when you have exclusivity.

 

Yes, almost. He was 24 when they started dating.

I know, I am not ready to settle down, I think that's also reassuring him in a way.

[heavenonearth]

He just called me and we talked for an hour. He said at fist that he wanted to have this conversation on our vacation this weekend, but it seemed like a good moment. He told me some of the things he was talking about in therapy yesterday. That the one thing that he is still working on in terms of his ex is guilt. That he left her when she was in a ****ty situation. He mentioned he probably should have left her years ago, but he felt too much responsibility, as she was very dependent on him, and there was 'always something' with her, to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. The past 5 years were very bad, he said. He knows he should not feel guilt, and it's hard to shake. He is like this in many aspects of his life, also with work - taking too much responsibility, feeling guilty when he can't fulfil a promise, etc. So he's working on that.

 

When talking about our dynamic in therapy, his therapist reassured him that he's on a good path, and that includes me. He said that what we have is beyond anything he could have ever wished for.

He then said "I really, really like you... and... and I am sorry I don't always dare to say that I love you, but I do... I really do love you!" and I told him that it feels good to hear that, and that I am appreciating that he is opening up more. Felt really good.

[No_Go]

It's great that he's in therapy - it is apparent he has a lot of issues to work with before going into a committed relationship. Just date him one step at a time, and if all goes well - maybe in 6 months or so you can join him for some therapy sessions together. The situation is difficult but I'm sure therapists have seen ton of similar situations and would be able to provide adequate advice.

[heavenonearth]

It's great that he's in therapy - it is apparent he has a lot of issues to work with before going into a committed relationship. Just date him one step at a time, and if all goes well - maybe in 6 months or so you can join him for some therapy sessions together. The situation is difficult but I'm sure therapists have seen ton of similar situations and would be able to provide adequate advice.

 

Yes, it was his first therapy session in months. I have been in therapy for anxiety for 2 years now, and he said it inspired him to go back and talk through some stuff. I am also really happy he is going.

[todreaminblue]

We have been dating for 4 months. I am really impatient at this moment, sometimes I just want to burst it out "I FUDGING LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT!", but didn't want to be the first to say it.

Back in July we both sort of attempted at it, but we were drunk and in bed, so I don't think it counts.

 

He was over at my house this weekend, we were playing a board game, and I was not doing too well, so he leaned over and said "I love you, but you are going to lose!" I just looked at him and my jaw dropped. This is the moment he picked to say the three magical words? Gosh, we had so many great moments full of romance, staring into each others eyes, where I was screaming internally "SAY IT YOU DOOFUS!" --- well, welcome to my life.

 

Men are weird.

 

smile for the day....lol...too kewt too boot...:bunny:.deb

[elaine567]

He just called me and we talked for an hour. He said at fist that he wanted to have this conversation on our vacation this weekend, but it seemed like a good moment. He told me some of the things he was talking about in therapy yesterday. That the one thing that he is still working on in terms of his ex is guilt. That he left her when she was in a ****ty situation. He mentioned he probably should have left her years ago, but he felt too much responsibility, as she was very dependent on him, and there was 'always something' with her, to the point where he couldn't take it anymore. The past 5 years were very bad, he said. He knows he should not feel guilt, and it's hard to shake. He is like this in many aspects of his life, also with work - taking too much responsibility, feeling guilty when he can't fulfil a promise, etc. So he's working on that.

 

When talking about our dynamic in therapy, his therapist reassured him that he's on a good path, and that includes me. He said that what we have is beyond anything he could have ever wished for.

He then said "I really, really like you... and... and I am sorry I don't always dare to say that I love you, but I do... I really do love you!" and I told him that it feels good to hear that, and that I am appreciating that he is opening up more. Felt really good.

 

Ok but you are not listening to the quite severe problems he sounds like he is having and you only hear "I love you".

 

BUT this is all very deep complicated stuff after only 4 months of dating, do you really want to get yourself involved in all of his issues?

Sounds like he has a mountain to climb, and whilst he will be very happy to go on this journey with you, what are you going to get out of it?

Often the "saviour" gets binned as soon as the "hurt" and "damaged" person starts feeling better.

Be very careful what you sign up for here.

 

Unfortunately now you are "involved" and will not listen, but all this could have been avoided had you taken notice of the first red flag ie "4 months out of a 15 year relationship..." a red flag you even pointed out yourself in June - #13

 

Had you wanted to only have some short term "fun" then this was the guy, but as you are someone who obviously gets quickly "loved up", then this was not the guy for you.

 

BTW Has he stopped the "obsession" he had with kids or is that still continuing....

[Gaeta]

I am very happy you got the ILY you were longning for :-) This will give you the strenght to move past this 'title' issue and enjoy your relationship.

[Gaeta]

Ok but you are not listening to the quite severe problems he sounds like he is having and you only hear "I love you".

 

BUT this is all very deep complicated stuff after only 4 months of dating, do you really want to get yourself involved in all of his issues?

Sounds like he has a mountain to climb, and whilst he will be very happy to go on this journey with you, what are you going to get out of it?

Often the "saviour" gets binned as soon as the "hurt" and "damaged" person starts feeling better.

Be very careful what you sign up for here.

 

Unfortunately now you are "involved" and will not listen, but all this could have been avoided had you taken notice of the first red flag ie "4 months out of a 15 year relationship..." a red flag you even pointed out yourself in June - #13

 

Had you wanted to only have some short term "fun" then this was the guy, but as you are someone who obviously gets quickly "loved up", then this was not the guy for you.

 

BTW Has he stopped the "obsession" he had with kids or is that still continuing....

 

As the parent of an adult daughter it took me years to understand I cannot donate some of my experience and wisdom to younsters, they will need to learn the big lessons of life on their own.

 

OP is in a risky relationship but he sounds devoted to her and is treating her with respect. It's a good relationship on all levels it seems.

 

I say she enjoys it and if ever it doesn't have the happy ending she is wishing for she can deal with it then.

[coolheadal]

I actually have feared this as well. Perhaps he may be someone who doesn't say it a lot. Some men don't. I know a friend of my mom's whose husband has said it only twice in 20 years marriage.

To me, these words mean so much! And I do love him, and I want to say it so much, but everytime I just say it quietly in my head.

 

He's very vocal about his feelings for me otherwise, and a very affectionate and soft guy, so I was hoping he'd be vocal about these three words as well... :/

 

I beg to be different I use to say the magical words a lot but right now I can't say it.. With the new gf we just like each other and when she's ready to say the magical words just maybe I'll say it as well. I don't want to be the first one to say it and got to feel it to say it, because once you say it then the current paradox changes into another one.

 

As for you guy well he might be the type that can't say it, and but he'll buy you things that will say it to you to show you he cares for you. But if you said it first to him it would mean more than if he were to say to you. Do you understand why you should say it first. Think of Adam and Eve little angel cupid that flies around us all to show the arrow of love into us all. You have already the arrow of love in you! Go for it say the magical words...

[heavenonearth]

Ok but you are not listening to the quite severe problems he sounds like he is having and you only hear "I love you".

 

BUT this is all very deep complicated stuff after only 4 months of dating, do you really want to get yourself involved in all of his issues?

Sounds like he has a mountain to climb, and whilst he will be very happy to go on this journey with you, what are you going to get out of it?

Often the "saviour" gets binned as soon as the "hurt" and "damaged" person starts feeling better.

Be very careful what you sign up for here.

 

Unfortunately now you are "involved" and will not listen, but all this could have been avoided had you taken notice of the first red flag ie "4 months out of a 15 year relationship..." a red flag you even pointed out yourself in June - #13

 

Had you wanted to only have some short term "fun" then this was the guy, but as you are someone who obviously gets quickly "loved up", then this was not the guy for you.

 

BTW Has he stopped the "obsession" he had with kids or is that still continuing....

 

 

 

He loves kids, yes, that's still something I notice a lot.

 

See, the thing is, everyone has issues. Every person I have been with had issues. I have issues. If it wasn't the fact he got out of a long relationship, then it would be something else. The 'mountain' he is working through seems not as bad. He's very attentive, committed, making a lot of effort, and he's communicating how he feels. I have never felt so connected with anyone and I have never felt so loved, that's for sure. I don't feel like a 'savior' at all.

I don't think he is hurt or damaged either. I also don't think he needs to be fixed. he's just working through some stuff to be a better person and love himself a bit more, and that's a great thing, I think.

 

And no, I did not only focus on the I love you. I just updated you guys, since this thread was specifically about that.

[heavenonearth]

As the parent of an adult daughter it took me years to understand I cannot donate some of my experience and wisdom to younsters, they will need to learn the big lessons of life on their own.

 

OP is in a risky relationship but he sounds devoted to her and is treating her with respect. It's a good relationship on all levels it seems.

 

I say she enjoys it and if ever it doesn't have the happy ending she is wishing for she can deal with it then.

 

Thanks Gaeta, I don't see it as a risky one, I see it as quite secure at this point. But thanks for the positive words. I think this one will have a happy ending.

[Miss Spider]

There are issues and there are issues. do you know why he won't call it a relationship? That's he's not ready to be completely devoted was his excuse????

[heavenonearth]

There are issues and there are issues. do you know why he won't call it a relationship? That's he's not ready to be completely devoted was his excuse????

 

He said he is fully committed to me. What more do I want at this point?

I know why he had problems calling it a relationship.

I know what his fears are.

[Miss Spider]

As long is you know and you understand and are willing to face whatever may come - that is all that matters. I wish you both the best .

[No_Go]

He loves kids, yes, that's still something I notice a lot.

 

See, the thing is, everyone has issues. Every person I have been with had issues. I have issues. If it wasn't the fact he got out of a long relationship, then it would be something else. The 'mountain' he is working through seems not as bad. He's very attentive, committed, making a lot of effort, and he's communicating how he feels. I have never felt so connected with anyone and I have never felt so loved, that's for sure. I don't feel like a 'savior' at all.

I don't think he is hurt or damaged either. I also don't think he needs to be fixed. he's just working through some stuff to be a better person and love himself a bit more, and that's a great thing, I think.

 

And no, I did not only focus on the I love you. I just updated you guys, since this thread was specifically about that.

 

Just no rush, and enjoy it one day at a time:) Of course everyone has issues but his are pretty severe. However, he's working on them which is a great sign.

 

Basically the biggest thing to watch for is artificial acceleration (talking about babies will count as one, although I know many guys that blab stuff like this all the time without meaning it), because this is basically an artifact of him rebounding. I saw you met in June and weren't even exclusive in the beginning - you're just in the very initial dating stages still, no reason to get worried.

 

If he's talking to his recent ex in any shape or form - I'd be worried (every time I spoke with my ex/es we'd end up in bed - of course I don't share this with new dates just saying it's super common). But besides that - as said, just enjoy and take it slow.

[heavenonearth]

Just no rush, and enjoy it one day at a time:) Of course everyone has issues but his are pretty severe. However, he's working on them which is a great sign.

 

Basically the biggest thing to watch for is artificial acceleration (talking about babies will count as one, although I know many guys that blab stuff like this all the time without meaning it), because this is basically an artifact of him rebounding. I saw you met in June and weren't even exclusive in the beginning - you're just in the very initial dating stages still, no reason to get worried.

 

If he's talking to his recent ex in any shape or form - I'd be worried (every time I spoke with my ex/es we'd end up in bed - of course I don't share this with new dates just saying it's super common). But besides that - as said, just enjoy and take it slow.

 

 

I don't worry about the ex. He'd never end up in bed with her, that's just absolutely ridiculous. They had not slept together in ages before the break up. There is no romantic love or sexual attraction left. I also think it shows lack of character if someone ends up doing something like that, and he's a very honest and loyal person, even if they'd meet and there was anything like sexual tension all of a sudden (god knows where it would come from), he'd not give in to it, because he's not an idiot. But yeah, I know people do **** like this, but I know he'd never do anything of the like, I completely trust him.

Besides that, they are in touch very seldom. Since we started dating they only met once, which was logistical (she needed to pick up her stuff from the studio they shared). Another time when she needed help with something at the studio, he sent a friend, because he had already made plans with me, and didn't want to get into her drama.

 

He does not talk about having children with me, he just likes talking about children (like his nephews and nieces) in general.

 

And we were exclusive very early on, I was the one dating others, of which he disapproved, so I stopped, because my feelings for him were very strong and I wanted to be with only him. I wouldn't have kept dating others for long, the reason I did, was just so I would not get too attached to him too soon. I realized this very quickly after and talked through this with my therapist.

[No_Go]

I'm not saying he's not loyal - just shared my own experience (I had zero feelings left for my ex - it was just a matter of breaking the habit and it took a while... ). Logistical meets are of course unavoidable, I think he handled it well by sending a friend.

 

For the timeline - I just brought it up that is not even 4 months because you met in June you're dating another guy and it is still September. So it is more like 3 months if that of exclusive dating...[Just a professional deformation - I'm too much into numbers ]

 

I don't worry about the ex. He'd never end up in bed with her, that's just absolutely ridiculous. They had not slept together in ages before the break up. There is no romantic love or sexual attraction left. I also think it shows lack of character if someone ends up doing something like that, and he's a very honest and loyal person, even if they'd meet and there was anything like sexual tension all of a sudden (god knows where it would come from), he'd not give in to it, because he's not an idiot. But yeah, I know people do **** like this, but I know he'd never do anything of the like, I completely trust him.

Besides that, they are in touch very seldom. Since we started dating they only met once, which was logistical (she needed to pick up her stuff from the studio they shared). Another time when she needed help with something at the studio, he sent a friend, because he had already made plans with me, and didn't want to get into her drama.

 

He does not talk about having children with me, he just likes talking about children (like his nephews and nieces) in general.

 

And we were exclusive very early on, I was the one dating others, of which he disapproved, so I stopped, because my feelings for him were very strong and I wanted to be with only him. I wouldn't have kept dating others for long, the reason I did, was just so I would not get too attached to him too soon. I realized this very quickly after and talked through this with my therapist.

[heavenonearth]

I'm not saying he's not loyal - just shared my own experience (I had zero feelings left for my ex - it was just a matter of breaking the habit and it took a while... ). Logistical meets are of course unavoidable, I think he handled it well by sending a friend.

 

For the timeline - I just brought it up that is not even 4 months because you met in June you're dating another guy and it is still September. So it is more like 3 months if that of exclusive dating...[Just a professional deformation - I'm too much into numbers ]

 

Yeah, true, 3 months and a week of exclusivity.