Dumped after 3 years of an amazing relationship

[writersblock]

This is a good video to watch if you've been the dumpee of someone who's got GIGS (Grass Is Greener Syndrome).

 

Got it. I'll check it out. Thanks!

[Octavian8]

That's exactly how I feel. When everyone tells me to get through it, over it, or whatever the case may be, I always say "But there should be nothing for me to get over. There should be nothing for me to make peace with because this wasn't supposed to happen."

 

That's the worst part. I understand that this person is clearly someone I shouldn't want in my life or a part of my life anymore but my whole question is, why did that person have to change like that? I'm very stuck on what "could have been," which I know is bad to dwell on but how can I not? And my larger question is, how could he not?

 

I'll never understand how someone can just throw love away all because he/she doesn't want to wonder "what if" down the line. Is your other "what if" greater than the question "What if we never get back together?" And I'm the one left completely in the dark and now with questions and guilt trying to figure if I could have done something differently while he's out there finding the answer to his "what if" and probably not giving me a second thought.

 

That's what I'm mostly struggling with, the pure acceptance of the fact that this indeed happened and I will never know why and there's no way to go back. I had this image of the future before me and I did everything in my power to make that vision a reality and now it's like I have nothing to even attempt to foresee.

 

It's one thing to get over someone, which is hard enough. Accepting this new reality is a totally different struggle. I think a lot of people view a break-up as being all encompassing. You have to "move on," essentially meaning to just get past everything. But I don't think a lot of people realize that "everything" means a lot of different things. It's getting over the person, the relationship, making peace with the past, accepting the present, and finding hope in the future.

 

writersblock,

 

I know exactly what you mean. Those are the questions that keep me up at night. I just cant understand what changed for her and how it changed so rapidly, despite also saying she's so lucky to have me and that I'm worth waiting for and all of this stuff. It's hard to reconcile the relationship you thought you were living through then with what is happening now and it doesn't make sense.

 

There are indeed a lot of stages to "get over" in a breakup. You have a different perspective of the past and the entire relationship with that person. All of your memories are now bittersweet. You have to deal with the pain in the present. And you have to rewrite the future. It's really a mammoth task. Most days I feel like I'm drowning in it all.

 

Personally for me it also doesn't make sense because I can't really think that way and don't change my feelings or thoughts about someone so rapidly. I recognize that I can't be 100% about someone and I can accept that as an uncertainty because every relationship has uncertainty. I also recognize that the "honeymoon stage" at some point ends and I understand that. I still value the person and can look at what Ive been through with them and still appreciate them, as well as appreciate the more mature stage of the relationship. If I really love someone (like she claims she still did when she broke up with me) then I would fight to be with that person even if it's difficult or even if there are obstacles. The relationship is only truly tested when things are difficult and there are things to overcome, not when it's smooth sailing. So from that perspective I guess she failed because she bailed at the first sign of some difficulty.

 

I asked her those exact questions regarding the "what ifs". I asked, "what if you change your mind and it's too late to get back together?". It's a very real question for me because that happened to me before. My previous ex before her dumped me to "explore her options" and then came begging for me back. By then it was too late because I was with this more recent ex so of course I told her no. I'm scared once I move on I won't want her anymore even if she does come back.

 

Anyway I guess the other "what if" is more powerful for her. I don't really know how. I'm a hunter so to me "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" makes a lot more sense. Why give up someone that loves you and is devoted to you for something you don't even know exists? I guess thats the power of fantasy. We can always imagine something better even if it isn't grounded in reality.

[Gargomo]

I feel you man.

 

I've been dumped after a 6y long relationship which has been wonderful and we made a lot of sacrifices for each other.

 

It's really hard to accept it the first weeks. Especially when you thought she was the one. NC definitely helps getting through it, avoid breaking it.

 

I am now 1 month post-break up and it's still hard but it's getting better I can ensure you. I had several stages, questions about me, her or the relationship and at the end of the day this thought process is just bull****.

 

Dive into your relationship, see what you did wrong (don't pay attention to her), use it as lesson and improve yourself for the next one who'll deserve it. It was hard to admit that I had flaws as well and that a break-up it's a 50-50 situation. But it all happens for a reason so just stick to that reason.

 

My friends told me that my relationship helped them save theirs, the lesson I learnt from it, helped others overcome their difficulties. My relationship was kind of a "role model" for them. Helping others is something that helps me a lot.

 

Who knows what the future will bring you. Maybe you'll find someone else who'll fit you perfectly and you'll have the emotional maturity to make that relationship even better, or maybe you'll just get back with your ex, you both being more mature as well.

 

You never know but just live as you go. Don't look back.

Cherish the moments you two had and look forward to the new memories you'll create.

[OutKast100]

Why would you be scared of not wanting her if she wants to take you back in the future? You should be looking forward to that option because right now she does not sound like the kind of person that deserves a second chance. She is bored of you and wants to see other guys, when she gets bored of them then she will come back to you. It would be worse to take her back when you are not over her yet and then have her do something similar in the future and have this whole mess start over again. It's a really good feeling to be over an ex when they want you back. Think about the girl that you were with before your ex, she wanted you back but you have moved on, did you feel bad about that? Or did you feel good that you have moved on from her?

[Octavian8]

Well, thought I'd do a quick update again. My birthday came and went, it was fun and I hung out with good friends. But in some ways it has also led me to regress on my healing process by a lot. At least that's what it feels like. I didn't break no contact still and I'm at 5 weeks now, but it's not really getting any easier.

 

I think part of me was hoping she'd contact me for my birthday, but she didn't. I guess in some ways that's good because it doesn't hurt me as much as it would to see that text on my phone, but at the same time I was hoping she would send it. At least I would know shes thinking about me or something like that. i think I built up that day in my mind and when it didnt happen I was disappointed. I thought maybe she'd miss me. Stupid mind playing tricks on me I guess. That hope has really set me back in terms of healing now though. I feel as anxious as I was the first couple of weeks. I guess maybe its sinking in that maybe she really wont come back. I just wish the pain would stop. I just want to live life normally, but I keep thinking, and i keep feeling anxious. My sleeps suffers from it too.

[OutKast100]

I had a similar hope that my ex would contact me around a month later since she would have finished her exams at that time and had a break but of course I did not hear anything from her. I just realized that it has already been over 100 days since she last messaged me. I'm really starting to think that maybe I wont hear from her for the rest of my life which is sad but then again I am not the one throwing it all away. I found that thinking about the fact that they are willing to just dissapear and not care about you helps me realize that they're not the same person anymore and that I should stop thinking about them. They're not willing to fight for the relationship so they're not worth it. Of course you can't just completely forget them so that is the part that is hard.

[OutKast100]

So were there any updates with your situation?

[Octavian8]

So were there any updates with your situation?

 

I haven't posted in a while as I am still in Europe but I'll do a quick update now. It's been 8 weeks as of today since I saw her last so it seems appropriate (It will be 8 weeks NC as of Tuesday). I can't believe it's been that long honestly. I can't really believe she hasn't reached out in over 50 days, and that it all meant so little to her in the end. Some days are pretty good now and I manage to block out thoughts, but some days like today (I'd say a majority of days) it still hits me. I have this lingering feeling of frustration and a sense that something great was wasted and lost. I spend some days thinking about what she could be doing, who she's with, if she's found someone else and other thoughts that I keep torturing myself with.

 

It's starting to get annoying, although I'm at a point where I can probably function relatively normally, although I'm still really disappointed with how it all turned out. My biggest hurdle is probably overcoming blaming myself for her breaking up with me. When I'm able to think it was her issue then I feel somewhat better but when I start thinking I wasn't good enough and it's my fault and things like that I fall back into despair. The urge to contact is manageable some days but some days I really wanna just send her a message or I think all day about writing a letter or something and what I would want to say. I just miss her I guess. I wish she'd come back but it doesn't look like thats gonna happen.

[OutKast100]

I am at the 4 month mark today and i can relate to what you're saying. Do not think about any regrets as to how you could have done things differently, it will torture you to think about it. In the end, if they really cared enough to make the relationship work then they would have. Some of these things just can't be controlled and it is better to think that it is not you who could have saved it, but it is them who walked away. My ex did not ask how I am doing for 4 months, not a single message. One thing that bothers me is maybe that she is too embarressed to say anything, since my whole family knows about my situation and she would be too ashamed to ever face it. I just can't understand how someone so loving and caring could just change completely like that. I know that they are hurting somewhat as well, and they know that messaging us would not make things better. I dont really have a desire to date anyone else at the moment so one of the main problems is facing the loneliness. I used to debate whether or not to reach out at the 2 month mark and earlier but now I have absolute no desire to ever reach out to her first. It should always be the dumper who needs to reach out first if they want to make it work.

[Octavian8]

Gonna do another update here. Got back from my trip to Europe a couple days ago. I bought the tickets before the breakup so that I'd be back the day before her birthday, so needless to say the return has hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been hit with a big wave of anxiety and fought the urge to contact her for her birthday and it hasn't been pleasant at all. Its been over 2 months now, probably close to 10 weeks actually I haven't been keeping count of the days recently.

 

My two main struggles right now are that I am still having lots of feelings of self blame. Like, if only I had started looking for work earlier or showed more of an effort or something, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I keep thinking about what I could've done, or what I did wrong and its really killing me. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with feelings and thoughts of self blame?

 

Also I've been dealing with urges to break no contact and try to see if she is willing to work something out. I don't know if it's a good idea to try or not, but lately I've been feeling like I have to do something, if I don't do anything nothing will happen. Does anyone who has read my story think it's a good idea at all? I'm not sure what to do anymore, but since coming back from my trip I've been getting the feeling like I have to.

[OutKast100]

You have been doing a great job with no contact for 10 weeks now, don't throw it all away for someone who dumped you just because they wanted to explore their options and basically say that you're not good enough for them.

 

Trust me I also used to have urges to contact my ex but I did not do it and I felt great about it after. Feelings change all the time. One day you're sad and want to reach out and you miss her terribly, and then the next you have this feeling of hope which gives you happiness about your future. Don't reach out to her just because you are going through a period of sadness. Stay strong throughout this process and look back at how far you have gotten already. You will be fine.

 

You owe her absolutely nothing and she does not deserve your attention. You already tried to make it work but she still walked away. If she wanted to make it work then she would have contacted you back by now. Don't you think that if she really wanted to be with you then she would have said something already? Do you really think that she would want to be back with you but is only holding out because she is waiting for you to say something? No, that is not happening and if theres a very slim chance that it is then screw her since that is a terrible reason not to make it work with someone. What does it say about her that she is willing to go this long without even checking up on you once? She is not the same person anymore. That relationship is dead and you need to come to terms with this.

 

Don't ever contact her first and trust me that this urge will go away with time. If you ever come close to contacting her then do something to avoid it. Watch a video on how to resist the urge to contact your ex, go workout and get some endorphins, write out a list of things that you don't like about her, go hang out with friends or just write the response here and never send it to her. Remind yourself of how she treated you those last few days together since that is now the person who she is.

 

Don't blame yourself for anything. Breakups happen all the time. Think about how many relationships you have been aware of in your life and how many of them have failed. Pretty much all of them did, maybe like 90% if I had to bet so dealing with a break up is normal. It is not your fault, you did not cheat on her, you did not abuse her, you have been a good boyfriend from what I have read so it is her LOSS. You will eventually move on from this one way or another. I have a strong feeling that she will contact you again eventually but don't hold out any hope for it. Just remember that 10 weeks is still fresh and some people can take 6-12 months just to say hi to someone after a breakup so you should maintain no contact and try to move on. The more that time passes, the easier it will become and when enough time has passed then you will look back at this situation and be disgusted with her behaviour to just walk away from you like that. I mean think about it, let's say that she messages you and wants to make it work, then can you truthfully say that you would feel the exact same way about her as you did before? Would you not have some doubts that maybe she will walk away from you again? There are so many people out there for you so you do not need to waste your life thinking about someone who doesn't want you.

 

You are wrong by stating that if you do nothing then nothing will happen. False. By not contacting her you are one step closer to being over her. You are one step closer to never having to worry about her again or what she is doing. You are one step closer to finding someone better. If you contact her then you will risk throwing away this progress. Stick to no contact and you will be fine.

[Purepony]

I agree with everyone else

 

Do not contact her and start all over again! I promise you that if she wanted to contact you and reason with you she would find you !! She knows where to find you, she has your email, your cell phone number, your face space account, your address !! Trust me... move on !

[anthle702]

Yeah looking back she did have an avoidant style. She would never tell me whats wrong and I always had to figure it out. I can't remember one time where she told me something was wrong without me prying for it or recognizing I did something wrong myself. The conflict was so infrequent I never thought it was much of a problem though. I guess it was my mistake confusing not fighting with good communication. Looking back direct communication would've been more important even if we fought because we could've actually figured out problems instead of letting them boil over. Lesson learned in this department for sure, but it sucks having to learn the hard way.

 

Hey dude, hope you're doing well and sorry to hear whats happening to you. I am am literally going through the EXACT same thing as you are, and would love to just talk to you man.

 

I dated my EX for 3 years - she showed me the ring - we talked about our lives together - and out of the blue she leaves me for someone else. She says she doesnt love me anymore..

 

She never talked about her issues either..

Edited December 15, 2017 by anthle702

[OutKast100]

Man..... going through a break up is such a horrible phase of life. It's like you are walking on a different planet than before. I'll admit that when i was with my ex there were times (like a couple of seconds) where it crossed my mind that maybe I should break up with her but then I thought wow I could never do something like that to her and just devastate the poor girl like that. Seeing as how we were good to our exes, it's so ****ty of them to just walk away like that and hurt us. I understand that feelings change and you can't force someone to be with you but it's still pretty f*cked up of them to do this to us after being happy for so long.

 

I remember one of my last convos with my ex she said "yes we had some cute memories together and they will forever be held in a special place.... but our time together has come to a close". "There is no such thing as a soulmate, nobody dies for nobody". Jesus how heartless can you be? These are the things I constantly remind myself of when I am thinking of her.

 

I just needed to vent... hopefully 2018 will be a better year for us.

[Octavian8]

Hey dude, hope you're doing well and sorry to hear whats happening to you. I am am literally going through the EXACT same thing as you are, and would love to just talk to you man.

 

I dated my EX for 3 years - she showed me the ring - we talked about our lives together - and out of the blue she leaves me for someone else. She says she doesnt love me anymore..

 

She never talked about her issues either..

 

Sure man we can definitely talk.

[Octavian8]

Man..... going through a break up is such a horrible phase of life. It's like you are walking on a different planet than before. I'll admit that when i was with my ex there were times (like a couple of seconds) where it crossed my mind that maybe I should break up with her but then I thought wow I could never do something like that to her and just devastate the poor girl like that. Seeing as how we were good to our exes, it's so ****ty of them to just walk away like that and hurt us. I understand that feelings change and you can't force someone to be with you but it's still pretty f*cked up of them to do this to us after being happy for so long.

 

I remember one of my last convos with my ex she said "yes we had some cute memories together and they will forever be held in a special place.... but our time together has come to a close". "There is no such thing as a soulmate, nobody dies for nobody". Jesus how heartless can you be? These are the things I constantly remind myself of when I am thinking of her.

 

I just needed to vent... hopefully 2018 will be a better year for us.

 

I feel you man I had those EXACT same thoughts just for like a brief second once in a while but exactly I would never ever destroy her heart like that. I know looking back and thinking about it a lot I may have made some mistakes, and it tortures me every day to think about what I could've done different. There was a post recently on this forum about a guy who's gf broke up with him over a moving in issue. Im thinking maybe I communicated that I wasn't serious about her by not making enough of an effort to move in with my ex, and not making it clear what my plan for the future was with her. I just can't let these thoughts go. Yeah I was good to her, but what if I was doing things that made it seem like we had no future and now she's done with me because of it? Hurts so much to think about.

[OutKast100]

Yeah i have my own regrets from time to time as well, it's only natural to look back at the situation and see where we could have done things differently but nobody is perfect at the end of the day.

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and if there was something more which was bothering her then she should have mentioned it to you so that you guys could work on it. Don't be hard on yourself over these things because it is not your fault for why she ended it. She did not put any effort into making the relationship work.

 

She just felt curious about dating other guys and that is a selfish reason to break up with someone over. She literally said that she wanted to explore other options seeing as how you were her first relationship. She wants to see what it's like with other guys and if she gets bored of them and wants to come back to you then she will take you back. That is such a slap in the face to you man and you deserve better than her. You can't control the fact that you were her first real relationship so don't worry about her selfish reason to walk away.

 

You mentioned earlier that you are worried that you might not want her back in the future but I'm telling you that you should look forward to having that feeling because you will then trully be over her and you should not take her back for treating you like this. Don't wait for her to change her mind. Think of it as being 1 day closer to seeing this relationship clearly with no emotion involved.

 

How would you feel if you met her for the first time when you did not have feelings for her yet and she started to mention these things in the beginning? You would probably be thinking "wow ok thanks for letting me know that you are not the girl for me, have a nice life". It will get better with time man so take it one day at a time.

[anthle702]

Do you guys have any advice on getting over this hate? After almost 2 months, I find myself still moving back and forth through the grief stages.

 

There are days I'm still shocked. There are days I hate her.

 

I hate her for lying to me and running off with someone else. I hate her for giving up on our relationship and never addressing her issues with me.

 

How can we forgive someone who hurt us so badly, while they dont seem to care. I am honestly praying its GIGS, and one day I can shove it in her face.

 

 

Yeah i have my own regrets from time to time as well, it's only natural to look back at the situation and see where we could have done things differently but nobody is perfect at the end of the day.

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and if there was something more which was bothering her then she should have mentioned it to you so that you guys could work on it. Don't be hard on yourself over these things because it is not your fault for why she ended it. She did not put any effort into making the relationship work.

 

She just felt curious about dating other guys and that is a selfish reason to break up with someone over. She literally said that she wanted to explore other options seeing as how you were her first relationship. She wants to see what it's like with other guys and if she gets bored of them and wants to come back to you then she will take you back. That is such a slap in the face to you man and you deserve better than her. You can't control the fact that you were her first real relationship so don't worry about her selfish reason to walk away.

 

You mentioned earlier that you are worried that you might not want her back in the future but I'm telling you that you should look forward to having that feeling because you will then trully be over her and you should not take her back for treating you like this. Don't wait for her to change her mind. Think of it as being 1 day closer to seeing this relationship clearly with no emotion involved.

 

How would you feel if you met her for the first time when you did not have feelings for her yet and she started to mention these things in the beginning? You would probably be thinking "wow ok thanks for letting me know that you are not the girl for me, have a nice life". It will get better with time man so take it one day at a time.

[OutKast100]

It sucks man it really does. I also have days where I hate her, days when i miss her, days where i feel fine and I'm not really thinking of her, and days when i feel lonely. There isn't much you can do right now related to your ex. A few months is not that long of a time to completely get over someone you loved. Try to be positive and look towards a fresh start. Do things which make you happy and set out some goals and accomplish them. I think that the best way to feel better is to just find someone else but don't rush that, it'll come with time. You should not be with someone who left you for another person. Maybe you can try to date other women without getting into a serious relationship, just to talk to new people and socialize. You don't have to forgive your ex right now. Let her live with the guilt of walking away and maybe she will realize it in the future when you are already over her. You will be completely over this situation and you will look back and say "yeah that was an awful time but I made it through it and I grew stronger and learned something from it". Try to stay as positive as possible because you will feel better eventually one way or the other.

[dangerous]

OP and other guys with similar experiences ...

 

I've been here!

 

Its a year later, I went through all the depression and soul searching, but kept NC which became easier in time.

 

Now I have a 'better' girlfriend than before - she has dispute resolution skills,

lol which the previous one did not!

[Octavian8]

Yeah i have my own regrets from time to time as well, it's only natural to look back at the situation and see where we could have done things differently but nobody is perfect at the end of the day.

 

It takes 2 people to make a relationship work and if there was something more which was bothering her then she should have mentioned it to you so that you guys could work on it. Don't be hard on yourself over these things because it is not your fault for why she ended it. She did not put any effort into making the relationship work.

 

She just felt curious about dating other guys and that is a selfish reason to break up with someone over. She literally said that she wanted to explore other options seeing as how you were her first relationship. She wants to see what it's like with other guys and if she gets bored of them and wants to come back to you then she will take you back. That is such a slap in the face to you man and you deserve better than her. You can't control the fact that you were her first real relationship so don't worry about her selfish reason to walk away.

Thanks for all the replies man they've been really helpful. Yeah you're probably right, but I cant help but feel like if she was happy/content, she wouldn't be thinking about what else is out there. Why else would it come up now after nearly 3 years? I guess thats why I can't help but think about how I should've done things differently; paid more attention to what she was probably trying to communicate, or to the fact that she was feeling unhappy.

 

I'm mad at myself for not catching these things and not taking action when I should have. And I'm frustrated because of this chicken and egg dialogue in my head: Did she want to see what else is out there because she was unhappy, or was she unhappy because she didn't know what else is out there? It's so damn frustrating.

[OutKast100]

Hey man at the end of the day it's like i said before... don't think of it that you did not do enough, instead, think of it that she gave up on you and walked away since that is the reality of the situation. If she trully loved you then she would not have walked away like that. Her excuse was pathetic too. You said that you were pretty much shocked by the whole thing which to me tells me that there wasn't anything that you did or did not do to effect this breakup. She broke up with you for selfish reasons, she wanted to explore her options. You can't control that. You were just being your normal self until she started to think of selfish reasons to break up with you. Unfortunately these things happen but like I wrote before, you're at least lucky that she did this now while you're not married or having any kids with her. You will get over her eventually. Some days will be worse than other days but if you are ever having a bad day and you are missing her then just remember that there are also good days and you can look forward to those days in your future, and they will happen, trust me.

[anthle702]

I think about this everyday man, we need to try to let those thoughts go. There are so many reasons they did what they did that we wont ever be able to understand, and at the end of the day its not all on us.

 

Yes, I couldve loved her more, if I could go back I'd do it all differently. But would have changed the outcome? Sometimes I think it would, but for how long? How long can you strive for perfection, because sometimes life happens and love takes the backseat.

Maybe they are longing for something else, searching for some sort of perfection that they'll never find. Maybe the happiness they are looking for cant be found in someone else, but only themselves. Until they can do that, they can never love anyone.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Start looking at it with the reptilian brain. She is new to all this and just found Hypergamy.

 

Besides, your too young to be taking all this so seriously. Get yourself in check. Solidify your finances and develop your career goals. Then a few years down the road, when all these youngins' start getting old...You will be the flavor of the month for the "good" model. Just have fun now and play it safe.

 

Best of luck.

[SpecialJ]

You should try to forgive yourself for not "knowing" how she felt. This is because, you're not a mind-reader. She has issues if she is unable to communicate, and those issues have little to do with you. A mature, adult, long-lasting relationship relies on good communication from both partners, and if she couldn't share her feelings with you, it's not on you-- it means you will find a better match in the future once you've learned to walk away from romantic partners with that specific weakness.