Dating someone who is homeless... [UPDATED]

[kassy]

I can't imagine telling my best friend about a guy I'm dating and not mentioning he's homeless... I also would not expect her to tell anyone. Sorry it's worked out this way OP.

 

Just a thought, but why don't you see if there are any mechanics jobs around and just see if he will apply for them? I mean he could offer to work for free for a week or something if need be to prove his skills and work ethic. I understandunderstand he's homeless. I'm just confused from everything you've said he seems otherwise normal. So what's stopping him from getting a job? The usual complications of drugs or mental illness don't seem to apply.

 

I know your parents won't like a mechanic, but it's a lot easier to defend but also will show you if he is capable of having a job and if he even really wants one.

 

Sorry your friends and family are being horrible.

[act00]

A man who has a seizure disorder will not be allowed around heavy equipment and power tools, let alone the licensing involved, and your basic car mechanic needs a driver's license. They actually have to drive your car on occasion. He can wrench it at your corner "Jiffy Lube" and he can work retail, cashier, stocker, and there are options, but someone who is prone to seizures, and can drop to the floor at any given moment, is a liability. He is not hirable. He has to have medical backup that he is safe, and even then, it's questionable if an employer will take this person on, because they will be paying dearly for any injuries that occur on the job, even if his medical issues are being addressed and controlled, which at this point, they are not.

 

The friend is seeing red flags and contacted the sister. The sister is seeing red flags and contacted the parents. The parents are now up in arms.

 

I guess now, OP, take advantage of your dad and his legal expertise and resources to get this guy the support he needs. Your guy (he, him) has to follow through and work with the VA and the state, and whatever programs are available...he needs a social worker to help with the paperwork and scheduling.

 

You have four people worried about you and your choices. I'm the 5th, but I don't count.

[Olympia]

no, the OP told this detail to her friend (her friend since the age of 7) for some terrible reason. If a long time friend told me that they were hooking up and having over a homeless man with a head injury I'd be concerned for their well being also.

 

Should have kept that detail a secret until he made his way out of the woods OP. It would have been a funny anecdote then; whereas now it's cause for concern from those concerned with your welfare.

 

Ok, if that's the case I wonder if this is some kind of (subconscious) rebellion Op?

I mean, all you had to say is something like "oh we just hooked up a couple of times, he's a musician" and move on.

 

I see that now! It was just that shes been my best friend since we were kids, we've always told each other everythinggg! The way that girls do growing up. She was so excited because the last time we'd spoke about me dating id told her i was sworn off men, lol! I just thought that, she was someone i could be honest with, that i could confide in! Because its not like I've totally worked out this situation! I haven't! I don't know fully how i feel about it, how to handle it or what the future could hold for me and him and i thought i could talk to her like I've always talked to her....

 

But i was wrong! ...Little bit crushed, not gonna lie!

[Olympia]

I can't imagine telling my best friend about a guy I'm dating and not mentioning he's homeless... I also would not expect her to tell anyone. Sorry it's worked out this way OP.

Thank you! I just didn't want to lie to her, and I most definitely didn't think i had to but, I guess more fool me!

 

Just a thought, but why don't you see if there are any mechanics jobs around and just see if he will apply for them? I mean he could offer to work for free for a week or something if need be to prove his skills and work ethic. I understand he's homeless. I'm just confused from everything you've said he seems otherwise normal. So what's stopping him from getting a job? The usual complications of drugs or mental illness don't seem to apply.

 

I know your parents won't like a mechanic, but it's a lot easier to defend but also will show you if he is capable of having a job and if he even really wants one.

 

Sorry your friends and family are being horrible./

I know, to be honest, when i first met him, i couldn't understand like why no one had given him a chance. I was very naive! I think its because its an employers market, as soon as they find out he doesn't have an address they don't want to know! I think because so many people pre judge, and assume drugs, alcohol etc etc..

 

It's just super unfair, be it my parents, my friends, employers, its unfair that they judge him so quickly based on what? On the fact that he wasn't born rich, that his mum died, that he grew up in care? On the fact that he's had challenge after challenge thrown at him? Before i met him, i thought the same way, i thought there must be something really 'wrong' with you to end up on the streets, but and him aren't so different! Can I honestly say that if i had faced the exact same challenges and stresses that he has throughout his life i'd be in a better place? I don't know! Could i even say that if i'd walked in his shoes i would still be so optimistic, and open, and kind hearted? Its so narrow minded to write off the man because of the circumstances, without even attempting to understand!! ....But honestly, I'm just ranting now, its just that I've had my eyes opened a lot, whatever mine and his relationship (and its far too early to say where that is going to go) he is a good man. When he talks about the things he did in the military, the decisions he made, how can you say that isn't worth as much as someone who's a banker! But I can't make mt family give him a chance, I can't make them hear me out, so what can I do really!

 

I'd like him to give it another go, to put himself out there again and start asking for jobs, but i'm a girl he's 'seeing' I'm not even his 'official girlfriend' or anything right now so I dont feel like I can go in all guns blazing as a career adviser, I just don't know.

[smackie9]

Having no address doesn't stop him from getting a job. There are plenty of places that help people get jobs, like homeless shelters, soup kitchens, churches, charities. He can also find work through a temp agency. They pretty much do whatever they can to get people working for them. If he can push a broom, or carry lumber, he can find work at a construction site. Hell they hire immigrants with no formal address and they do just fine getting work.

[Olympia]

A man who has a seizure disorder will not be allowed around heavy equipment and power tools, let alone the licensing involved, and your basic car mechanic needs a driver's license. They actually have to drive your car on occasion. He can wrench it at your corner "Jiffy Lube" and he can work retail, cashier, stocker, and there are options, but someone who is prone to seizures, and can drop to the floor at any given moment, is a liability. He is not hirable. He has to have medical backup that he is safe, and even then, it's questionable if an employer will take this person on, because they will be paying dearly for any injuries that occur on the job, even if his medical issues are being addressed and controlled, which at this point, they are not.

He is desperate to get his driving license back, but be all that as it may, it doesnt mean he's a horrible guy! It doesn't mean that he's not a decent guy, and it doesnt mean that the deserves the way my parents spoke about him. At the end of the day the injury that he has sustained is a result of serving his country and even more than that saving his friend.. Irrespective of our personal relationship i think its wrong that the system in place to help ex service men has let a guy like him fall through the cracks

 

I guess now, OP, take advantage of your dad and his legal expertise and resources to get this guy the support he needs. Your guy (he, him) has to follow through and work with the VA and the state, and whatever programs are available...he needs a social worker to help with the paperwork and scheduling.

Well my dad certainly isn't going to be helping him, with anything, as far into the future as i can see! I'm not even sure if they are talking to me right now to be honest!!

 

You have four people worried about you and your choices. I'm the 5th, but I don't count.

I can understand them being worried! I certainly don't have all he answers here, i just like the guy! But if they are worried about me, they could just talk to me, but they are not doing that, they just want to yell at me or fire me ultimatum and im not going to behave like some naughty kid when i've done nothing wrong!

[Olympia]

There are plenty of places that help people get jobs, like homeless shelters, soup kitchens, churches, charities.

See as far as i know, he's not involved in or with anything like this at all, and i think that's half his problem in a way, he's so out of the loop regarding whats available to him!

 

If he can push a broom, or carry lumber, he can find work at a construction site. Hell they hire immigrants with no formal address and they do just fine getting work.

True true! He's probably be a pretty great trady because hes so good with his hands.

Where he's living at the moment, he's got his tent on the edge of a farm, and he's fixed all the fencing the whole way around this seemingly disused field, (i think mostly just because he could and for something to do, but he said it'll be a nice surprise for the farmer one day and a bit of a thank you for letting him stay, even thought they don't know he's staying) but he's a really really solid job, out of like nothing!

 

But like i say its a super new relationship, very very early days, i'm not his careers officer, or social worker, or anything, i'm just getting to know him, and i didn't mean for it all to kick off so majorly right now, i wanted to do this whole thing my way but thats been taken out of my hands now.

[smackie9]

Come on he knows there are shelters, and charities like the salvation army that help those in need. Sorry but there is something wrong with him, if he only sees fit to be illegally squatting on someones land. He chooses to live this way, and it's pretty damn obvious. Hell he could knock on that farmers door looking for work but he doesn't. Some farmers will even provide lodging in exchange for doing chores.

 

He doesn't like responsibility, or authority, workin for the man, livin by the rules.

Edited October 8, 2017 by smackie9

[guest569]

Has the army not provided any support? https://www.gov.uk/claim-for-injury-received-while-serving

 

There is help out there but he just doesn't want it. I don't really understand. It seems like this is his lifestyle choice.

[Olympia]

Come on he knows there are shelters, and charities like the salvation army that help those in need.

Oh of course he does, but his take is that he's okay, he doesn't seem to see himself as being in the same position as those in the most need, if you talk to him his so convinced his situation is temporary and 'he'll come out swimming', i think he honestly believes that.

I think as well, he maybe struggles a bit to accept help. He told me recently that the army buddy he was originally staying with was the guy who he got injured protecting so to speak, he definitely could of stayed there longer for sure, but as he got knocked back for jobs over and over he didn't want to be a burden to his friend, he didn't want him to feel guilty, so he left and this best friend is under the illusion that he's all sorted with mechanics job and a place to live, plus like even with me its a battle to get him to even let me pay half of anything! I think he believes he'll sort it.

 

Hell he could knock on that farmers door looking for work but he doesn't. Some farmers will even provide lodging in exchange for doing chores.

True true!

 

Has the army not provided any support? https://www.gov.uk/claim-for-injury-received-while-serving

He's defienitely due more support, undoubtedly, i think its the gap between his inital injury and the long term repocussions of it that have lead to him just falling though the cracks so to speak.

That said, he is saving, and he is taking steps to get his life back on track.

 

 

But none of that is neither here nor there in my families eyes, they don't care to know any details or anything.

[smackie9]

Just excuses from someone who doesn't want to make a difference in his life. An opportunist that truly wants out of their situation will take advantage of what's available, then volunteer to help others to pay it forward. He's blowin smoke up your butt.

[No_Go]

You absolutely need to run extensive background check (I'd say hire a PI, not just online) if you intend to keep dating him.

 

I had a guy who blew smoke up my a** that his exgf is chasing him etc etc, I got him on my lease. He start mooching money from me in all ways possible.

 

Not to go into detail but stories like mine are not infrequent, Better be safe than sorry.

[bluefeather]

Since it's already out there, maybe there are a few more things that they should know:

 

1. It's not serious. (could help diffuse the situation)

 

2. The man might have saved your life. (could help them respect him, or at least be thankful for him)

 

And I get what you're saying about wanting to have things done a certain way, but life has a funny way of scrambling up plans This could help make things clearer for you to see now, though, in terms of what you really want.

[Olympia]

He's blowin smoke up your butt.

Maybe, maybe i'm putting faith in someone whos going to let me down, im not naive enough to think that isnt a possibility! But its also a possibility with anyone you ever meet and just maybe he's a good guy thats lost his path a bit.

 

I can understand them being worried about that, because if it was my friend or my daughter then I'm sure i would be concerned for them, but i just feel like theres a difference between supporting someone/being concerned for them and just controlling them.

The thing that gets mt back up is like, one of my ex boyfriends cheated on me, multiple times, and when i found out my mothers advice to me was 'men will be men' and that i should stay with him because 'i could do a lot worse'. Is that really caring about your daughter? Is that really wanting what is best for me!

Im sure she would see this situation as proof she was right, Im sure they all think im doing so much "worse", so much so i've clearly lost my mind, but Luke treats me really well, and he makes me laugh, he makes me happy, and he makes me feel good about myself he doesn't put me down. And of course its early days and of course that could change and of course it might not work out but right now, i'm happy, right now I'm enjoying this and enjoying hanging out with him and where I am right now i do what to see where this could go. But really, i cant even begin to see a time where they would understand that.

 

Since it's already out there, maybe there are a few more things that they should know:

 

1. It's not serious. (could help diffuse the situation)

 

2. The man might have saved your life. (could help them respect him, or at least be thankful for him)

I haven't told them hardly anthing about him or how we met or anything, but they havent let me, they've already made there minds up and they dont want to hear it. Maybe i should make the effort and ring them or drive over there, but i feel like im pleading my case like a naughty 15 year old who cut class to go to the movies, and i dont feel like ive done anything wrong. Its my love life its about me (and him) not about them.

 

And I get what you're saying about wanting to have things done a certain way, but life has a funny way of scrambling up plans This could help make things clearer for you to see now, though, in terms of what you really want.

Maybe maybe...

If anything its made me like him more. A reservation i had in my head about him was impulse control, all the way through his life he seems to have made somewhat emotionally charged decisions, even down to the way we met, im sure neither of my exs would have got involved like he did, they were the total opposite of impulsive (and obviously in that context it was a positive thing for him, and me, i was very lucky he was there to help) but I wasnt sure if long term id find a heart-on-the-sleeve, impulsive personality didnt gel well with me.

Yet thats totally not been the case, he's up for anything and we have a lot of fun, but, this has been quite a 'high emotion' week, i hadnt told him much about how i thought my folks would react because i thought i had ages to cross that bridge, and then obviously the way its all happened has proably been the worst way it could have happened, and he has handled the whole thing like such a gent, he's been nothing but classy throughout, and completely quenched my doubt in that regard, he's been sweet when i've been upset, and he's been calm when i've been angry, and i feel let down by a lot of people right now, but he's surprised me in a positive way!

[Miss Spider]

And I again again with Smacki.e. Be wary. Maybe an offbeat guy with a nice face and a rebellious makes you lose your judgement

[kittencupcake]

He is normal! What even is normal, he's certainly as normal as anyone else is!

 

I don't confess to being a mental health expert but I do know that a head injury is different to mental health anyway!

(And i don't get the whole real estate thing? What real estate training)

 

A head injury can ABSOLUTELY affect your mental health! A physical brain injury can completely alter someone's personality (for example, a person whose frontal lobe is damaged can turn extremely aggressive and violent), not to mention the potential PTSD he is/could be facing in the future.

 

As for the driving/operating heavy machinery thing..it is a public safety issue. A person with an uncontrolled and unpredictable seizure disorder should NEVER be allowed to drive. Ever. What if he has a seizure behind the wheel and crashes into a school bus full of kindergarteners? What if he has one while he's driving you somewhere and you smash headlong into another car and die?

 

Sorry but I hope he does not get his license back unless he's deemed fit to drive by multiple doctors.

 

I won't judge you for dating him..but I will say that he does not seem to be making much of an effort to improve his lifestyle, and unless you plan to join him in the woods, you should have very low expectations about this relationship unless he decides to get his life together.

 

Also, you need an address to obtain a car loan..how is he expecting to buy a car without a home? Clearly he wouldn't be capable of paying cash for it.

[Olympia]

Be wary. Maybe an offbeat guy with a nice face and a rebellious makes you lose your judgement

Maybe...

 

A head injury can ABSOLUTELY affect your mental health! A physical brain injury can completely alter someone's personality (for example, a person whose frontal lobe is damaged can turn extremely aggressive and violent), not to mention the potential PTSD he is/could be facing in the future.

Of course, of course, but i didn't know him before, i only know the guy as he is now, and he's not aggressive or unstable, he's very laid back and easy going and I certainly don't feel on edge or at risk around him in anyway.

 

As for the driving/operating heavy machinery thing..it is a public safety issue. A person with an uncontrolled and unpredictable seizure disorder should NEVER be allowed to drive. Ever. What if he has a seizure behind the wheel and crashes into a school bus full of kindergarteners? What if he has one while he's driving you somewhere and you smash headlong into another car and die?

 

Sorry but I hope he does not get his license back unless he's deemed fit to drive by multiple doctors.

I believe that he has to be 2 years seizure free in order to drive on the roads.

 

Also, you need an address to obtain a car loan..how is he expecting to buy a car without a home? Clearly he wouldn't be capable of paying cash for it.

No, well i doubt he'd be buying a brand new car anytime soon even if he had his license. Though i think he takes a lot of pleasure from completely refitting and remodelling old cars anyway

[bluefeather]

Have you talked to your parents yet?

[Olympia]

Have you talked to your parents yet?

 

Not really, I rang them on Wednesday but I just don't know what I'm meant to say because they wont have an adult conversation with me and I'm not going to scolded like a little kid when i haven't done anything wrong.

I wanted to just talk about something else but my mum wont even do that, so what can I do!?

 

It's pretty upsetting, like they have such a narrow view of the world and yet i still respect that there entitled to their view, and i still love them, but it isn't my view, and it isn't the life i want. A wayward husband but a Porsche in the garage and a posh country club membership. I want more than that, and i'm not saying better, but i want something more real than that! Yes there's risk, but there's risk to playing to safe as well, a risk of unfilled potential, a risk of a life full of what ifs, and that's not how i want to live!

[smackie9]

Well if you are ok with someone who's life ambition is to panhandle and live under an overpass...you're good then.

[Olympia]

Well if you are ok with someone who's life ambition is to panhandle and live under an overpass...you're good then.

 

Well that's what my parents would say but that's judging on complete stereotypes. I might feel differently if he'd been homeless since he was 16 but that's not the case. He grew up dirt poor, but he was some sort of prodigy predicted a bright future in racing, whose mum died, whose life fell apart, who went off the rails and then pulled it back and built himself a good career, a meaningful career, a brave career, and then got hurt and had his life fall apart all over again, and yet there here he is still standing, and yeah its a low point, but can i honestly say I'd be handling stuff as well as he is or has, can anyone? No because you haven't walked in someones shoes!

And he's not a panhandler and he's not living under an overpass, he's busking, he's talented, and he's making enough money that he can actually save...

 

I just feel like its a massive injustices that people like my parents and my sister can lord over him and talk like they are better people when they've barely been truly tested a day in their lives. Who is anyone to say they are better than someone they don't even know.

 

I'm not asking them to love him! I'm not asking them to love the situation! Im simply asking for them to love and support me regardless of which guy i choose to date!

[Shepp]

OP i genuinely think you are getting a hard time on this thread. End of the day you are more than entitled to date anyone you want so long as you are both happy, and you both seem pretty happy so i guess just be happy you are living in a modern world.

 

I feel strongly i guess because a lot of people told me not to date my then gf, now wife, now mother of children, always love of my life. I guess because it wasnt simple, it wasnt straight forward and there was risk attached.

But my folks always supported me, im sure looking back they must have been worried about me, particularly as my brother had the model relationship but they never treated my gf or my relationship any different than they did his. And fact is if it had all fallen apart, they would have been there, of course they would have but it was what i wanted so they supported me and supported her wherever they could. And I'm really really sorry that your parents aren't supporting you in that way, I an understand being worried about your kids, being a father is frankly terrifying BUT if they dont want a relationship with you simply because you wont let them control your personal life decisions then thats their problem and their loss!

[Olympia]

I an understand being worried about your kids, being a father is frankly terrifying BUT if they dont want a relationship with you simply because you wont let them control your personal life decisions then thats their problem and their loss!

 

I feel like, right or wrong i have to follow my own heart, i cant just blindly follow their instrctions my whole life because that would be a wasted life... but its hard, i don't want to lose my relationship with them, and with my sister!

 

I had a massive argument with my best friend because i felt super betrayed by her and i feel like maybe we are okayy now, i mean its not like it was, im not sure when or if it will be because, the trust is gone.

[Maureen23]

Hey Olympia,

 

I registered to the board after reading your thread. I understand you're a bit hesitant about your situation even though he appears outwardly to be a great guy. And he took care of you on the street. That would've most definitely have turned my head, too. So, I didn't read all the replies, but let me share a bit with you my experience.

 

I've gone through college and obtained a 4 year degree. I have my **** together and worked hard for it. But I've really struggled in the romance dept. I am very caring, maybe too caring.

 

I've been dating an older man who is divorced and was laid off from his career job last year. He has a high school diploma, no college. He worked for a factory for 20 years and was let go just before we met. I live in a small area so work is difficult, and now he works as a handyman getting paid under the table for an alcoholic that has proven a few times to be a liar and cheat. Life for my boyfriend is financially difficult. He has child support bills and obligations with his ex wife that leaves him in a precarious spot.

 

I've chosen to look past it because he has a good heart. A big heart. We click on many levels and we have similar personalities.

 

But it is very difficult. In the past 6 months I've been with him, I have bailed him out financially more times than I can count. I bought him a good car - 5,000$ because he totalled his when he drove drunk and now faces an upcoming DUI (he wasnt hurt). I bought him name brand clothing so he can look good looking for other work, I made him a fancy resume, I bought him a TV, blu ray player, taken him to dinner and filled his tank with gas many times. I've paid his rent and child support and other bills many times.

 

I'm slowly coming to the realization that he may never have his **** together. I may never be able to lean on him financially the way he can with me. It's a burden and a lot of stress.

 

A big heart, chemistry, attraction, and decent personality isn't always everything when you find you are paying for everything and more worried about his financial situation than he is.

 

So I say GUARD YOUR HEART. Save your heart a bit for yourself. Because if and when you learn you can't trust him in this way I'm finding about my man, you'll have yourself to lean back on.

 

Watch for red flags. Red flags come from hard life knocks and parental wisdom. When you find you are hiding things from your family, it could potentially be a red flag. When you find you are constantly taking care of him to the detriment of taking care of yourself, that's a red flag. When you find you are continually trying to "better him", it's a red flag. If your man becomes comfortable taking and taking without giving back or showing he is getting better, its a flag. Your boyfriend is okay taking hand outs. How many hand outs will he be okay taking from you? You can't change people. You cant change your homeless boyfriend.

 

I'm faced with this weakness about myself. I've put all the necessary tools and funds in my man's hands to be better and nothing has changed. He keeps telling me it will get better and be patient.

But its only gotten worse. I'm at wits end to be frank. I have given of my heart, my body, and my pockets to this man and have little to show for it.

 

Take my advice. Guard your heart and wallet. Take care of you.

 

☺

[smackie9]

I am very familiar with homelessness because it's a huge problem where I live. There are tent cities as they call them, everywhere. The majority are sufferers of mental illness and or drug addiction. Those people I can see why they are homeless and can't get work because they can barely function. They can't take care of themselves properly. That is an excuse for being helplessly homeless.

 

I'm not telling you, you can't date him, I'm warning you to keep your heart in check and your eyes wide open. A background check would be necessary because anyone can come up with a story. The military one has me questioning it because I thought since he was injured in the line of duty he would be eligible for compensation or a pension. I believe anyone can search up someone's military records or at least show they served.

 

Camping out? He must be freezing his ass off in the winter.