Dating someone who is homeless... [UPDATED]

[Olympia]

I was with someone at the beginning of this year who was semi-homeless. Long story short he reached out to me on Facebook as he was moving to my city in a few months, was looking for a woman to be with waiting for him. He was couch surfing at a friend's house (I'd never been there), then another friend's house, then another, etc. It didn't bother me at first, I realize it will take a person a while to get settled, etc. Then I found something in his bag one weekend : a business card for a DEA officer in Colorado. I said "Excuse me, what's this?" He said he was caught with a wad of cash. A search a few hours later proved to me exactly why (he's in the drug business). I said "GET OUT". And he did.

 

Honey, fun is fun, but we're grown ups now. Ditch this loser. You deserve more than what he has to offer.

 

Yeah I do get that but I've felt like up to now the way we've met has been quite authentic..... i don't feel like i've been purposely pursued or anything like that, in fact, if i'm honest, id probably be a little happier if i had a little better idea of exactly what he does think about me..

I get that I don't know that much about him or his background but is that not true of anyone you meet?

[fiskadoro]

I don't agree with the posters who talk about drugs or homeless people running scams... is it okay to say that all people are the same if they are homeless? I would hope that, even though someone is homeless, that doesn't mean we all reach for the lowest comparison we can make.

 

But back more on topic: I have a good friend who suffers from schizophrenia, and lived in her car for awhile. I have another friend who is still homeless, but just lucky to have her parents to live with. The first woman I mentioned is now a licensed public school teacher and homeowner, and lives what is an admirable and exemplary life. The second friend has a master's degree from a very well-respected university and just made some bad financial decisions; before moving in with her parents she was living in a storage unit! She is slowly getting herself back together; being homeless kind of knocks one's psyche down.

 

So, you never know! Proceed with caution, but proceed!

Edited September 25, 2017 by fiskadoro

[Shepp]

It's just hard, like.. stuff like that is really important to my family, i can still remember how upset my parents were about my sister dating a guy who was a teacher! They thought it wasnt a good enough career, and there was major drama! And i love my family, my friends, its all ive ever known, and I don't know this guy that well!! But something in me really wants to, wants to know him better.

 

A teacher? Something there seems a bit odd to me, more so than with the guy you're seeing! If they are going to be that judgemental then how is anyone ever going to be good enough!? Might as well just see who you want to see, no?

[bluefeather]

He's charming, he's handsome, he's engaging, he rescued you, he's good in bed, but he can't hold down a job, find a job, or function in normal society...

 

Put this way, it describes a typical bad boy. So that could explain the strong attraction.

 

I myself am kind of warming up to this dude: lives off the land, off the grid, comes into the city to save damsels in distress, can fix cars and sing a pretty song, and gets to freak some chick he saves off the street from getting mugged ... damn this is what I wanted to be when I was 18! Or an episode of Daredevil, I dunno.

 

That's funny, but Daredevil had a job and his own place

 

This is a very interesting story, Olympia. My initial thought at the beginning of your story was that he and the mugger set you up. But he never asked for anything, so that now seems very unlikely. I'm not sure what I would do in your situation, however, I won't say that it couldn't work - this could make for a really romantic start. But this is probably one of the more difficult relationships to keep going because your worlds are very different.

 

For sure he'd say that this is temporary and he's on top of sorting things or whatever...

 

How sure are you about that? It might be a good idea to find out what his intentions with life are and then go from there.

[Olympia]

I don't agree with the posters who talk about drugs or homeless people running scams... is it okay to say that all people are the same if they are homeless? I would hope that, even though someone is homeless, that doesn't mean we all reach for the lowest comparison we can make.

I agree, I may even have been guilty of jumping to conclusions about people in his situation prior to meeting him, but the truth is that he is very very anti-drugs, and I know people with good family backgrounds, with professional white collar jobs, who regularly will 'get high' on the weekend!

 

I have another friend who is still homeless, but just lucky to have her parents to live with.

Well this is it as well isnt it, im lucky to have my family behind me, to have had amazing educational opportunities, have university paid for, be given the money to put a deposit on a property, and to have the confidence to take risks within my career because whatever happened i had my family backing to fall back on! If he had living family then he probably wouldnt be where he is now, and thats no reflection on his character, thats just circumstance!

 

 

A teacher? Something there seems a bit odd to me, more so than with the guy you're seeing! If they are going to be that judgemental then how is anyone ever going to be good enough!? Might as well just see who you want to see, no?

Ahhh they've just got this thing about what constitutes a 'good profession', I think like they are wealthy and they've been able to provide a lot for me and my sister and its just their own way of caring i guess, but they are old fashioned, despite me and my sister having our own careers, they want to ensure that we'll be "looked after". Both my ex's were junior doctors and they were all for that, now my sister is engaged to a financial director, which they love.

I just know that they'll look down on him and that makes me fume because he doesnt deserve that!!! But they are good people, they're just a bit, stuck in the past, a bit sheltered in a sense!

[Olympia]

Put this way, it describes a typical bad boy. So that could explain the strong attraction.

Haha mhmmm I guess it does!! He doesn't come off like a typical 'bad boy' though, he's certainly not got that whole moody/broody/angsty thing going on, he's Mr happy-go-lucky, he's really funny, he can have a really dry sense of humour but he can also just be really silly! I havent thought of him as being a quintessential 'bad boy'.

 

This is a very interesting story, Olympia. My initial thought at the beginning of your story was that he and the mugger set you up. But he never asked for anything, so that now seems very unlikely.

Honestly hadn't crossed my mind, but I really don't believe that, he's never shown me that he's anything but a good person, he's never wanted anything from me, and even at the time when i made him show me him the cut on his arm his hands were shaking, i don't believe he was faking that.

 

But this is probably one of the more difficult relationships to keep going because your worlds are very different.

Which is what the realist in me worries about! Is the gap to wide!? Whereas the romantic side says, that stuff isn't important if its really right!

 

How sure are you about that? It might be a good idea to find out what his intentions with life are and then go from there.

He's always referred to it as being temporary, but he also doesn't seem to have a very concrete plan for getting out of his situation.. but then i say that, I've seen the guy what 7 times? Can I blame him for keeping things lighter and not telling me his play by play for the rest of his life, after all if he was super heavy now then I would definitely have thought he was too intense and it was too much of an overshare.

 

I think this is the difficult thing. We are in VERY early stages, we are jut hanging out and I'm not in any mad rush. BUT because of these unique circumstances part of me wants to jump much further ahead to try and make sure of some things and see if his circumstances are going to be something thats an issue or not!

[bluefeather]

I think you can be casual while at the same time asking serious questions. Job interviewers ask a question like this all the time (Where do you see yourself in 10 years?) and that's on a first meet.

 

I see only two choices here: You can keep casually dating and see what happens - (in my opinion, nothing will change, and eventually things might freak out with a "where are we going with this?!" moment).

 

or

 

You can kill the elephant in the room and ask him if he's got a plan in mind to get back into the working class society. Maybe you can even help him with it. Additionally, that might be a good way to gauge his interest in you - because shouldn't he be wanting to take you out?

[act00]

This guy suffered a major head injury, and at this point he's not functioning in normal society, and I guess we can ask, "What's normal," and "what's wrong with living this way if it works for him," but there are things to consider here, and that is the long-term consequences of a traumatic brain injury. With the seizures, it may be impossible for him to find employment if these are uncontrolled, let alone have a driver's license. This could be why he has not been able to find gainful employment since his discharge. Is he seeking medical attention...is it attainable medical attention? Are there no other friends/family for support and assistance, not necessarily financially, but to drive him to appointments and get him to the grocery store? Does he have nutritional assistance (food stamps), benefits through the VA?

 

This is your future, and all the power to you if you end up in a non-traditional, perfect and happy marriage where he stays home with the kids (hopefully his seizures are under control at this point) while you work (my neighbors are this couple), and maybe he can go to school and find employment close to home or at home or use public transportation if available, but to me, this guy has some serious hurdles to accomplish regarding his TBI before he embarks on a relationship, and if you can be his support, emotionally, great, but tread carefully. As bluefeather stated, maybe you need to ask him point blank what his aspirations are and how serious his TBI issues are and the overall prognosis on that. Situations like this could be like a bipolar who stops taking meds because they "feel great" and "healed" or he doesn't like how the medications make him feel so he stops taking them, or he forgets to take them and within the prescribed time frame...constantly...and he has a seizure or abnormal behavior, and you end up with a lot of messes to keep after.

[JuneL]

I was also wondering why he didn't receive disability benefits for veterans.

 

OP: I think you are putting the cart in front of the horse. Are you even sure HE is interested in having a serious relationship with you? I gather from what you have described that he's the kind of guy who is enjoying his freedom; also, I doubt if he's willing to endure your snobbish family. But my guess is that you are pretty young, so why not just enjoy having some fun time with him

Edited September 27, 2017 by JuneL

[Olympia]

I think you can be casual while at the same time asking serious questions. Job interviewers ask a question like this all the time (Where do you see yourself in 10 years?) and that's on a first meet.

 

I see only two choices here: You can keep casually dating and see what happens - (in my opinion, nothing will change, and eventually things might freak out with a "where are we going with this?!" moment).

 

or

 

You can kill the elephant in the room and ask him if he's got a plan in mind to get back into the working class society. Maybe you can even help him with it.

Yeah very true! Okay, I'll have a more serious chat with him in the next day or so!

But i'll try and keep it casual so its not too like 'please submit you dating resume here for evaluation' haha!"

 

Additionally, that might be a good way to gauge his interest in you - because shouldn't he be wanting to take you out?

He is really good like this though, he will not take my money! I genuinely wanted to pay him for fixing my car, i didn't want him to use that money to pay for my dinner, but he definitely doesn't want anything that might be construed as charity!

[Olympia]

This guy suffered a major head injury, and at this point he's not functioning in normal society, and I guess we can ask, "What's normal," and "what's wrong with living this way if it works for him," but there are things to consider here, and that is the long-term consequences of a traumatic brain injury.

Of course! And i am no expert, I confess I have done a little googling ever since he talked to me about his health the first time, because I am clueless when it comes to any of this, and obviously there's still loads about it that i don't understand, and there doesn't outwardly appear to be a fair bit that he doesn't understand either tbh.

With the seizures, it may be impossible for him to find employment if these are uncontrolled, let alone have a driver's license.

He spoke about this, he is desperate to get driving again, whether he can get a license to drive on the road i don't know but he's spoken passionately about getting back into Karting if possible, or potentially stock car racing, its absolutely his love and it seems to be his real driving force to get his seizures under control.

 

This could be why he has not been able to find gainful employment since his discharge.

I agree i think its been a struggle. If I'm honest i think its been more of a struggle than he would even let on, i think he has suffered in concentration and memory and that, and i think he's done amazingly to get back to where he is, but i get the impression that maybe it had knocked his confidence a bit.

 

Is he seeking medical attention...is it attainable medical attention?

Not anymore as far as I know. He was, obviously the military saw to that, he had all the right treatment etc etc and he had rehabilitation initially but he's not in any rehabilitation programs anymore, he's discharged and totally out on his own.

 

Are there no other friends/family for support and assistance, not necessarily financially, but to drive him to appointments and get him to the grocery store? Does he have nutritional assistance (food stamps), benefits through the VA?

No family, at all. He's got friends that are army buddies, and its those people he was couch surfing for a bit but not anymore, the impression i get is that these friends don't know his current situation, don't realise he's homeless, i think he doesn't want them to know and that's why hes dropped off the radar. He's got a real thing about charity, I think he didn't want to be anyones "burden" as he'd call it.

 

This is your future, and all the power to you if you end up in a non-traditional, perfect and happy marriage where he stays home with the kids (hopefully his seizures are under control at this point) while you work (my neighbors are this couple), and maybe he can go to school and find employment close to home or at home or use public transportation if available, but to me, this guy has some serious hurdles to accomplish regarding his TBI before he embarks on a relationship, and if you can be his support, emotionally, great, but tread carefully.

Ah, thats flashing so far forward though! I don't know! Maybe we could be happy like that, we're certainly not at any place to think about marriage and kids thought, we're not even bf/gf! Plus theres no reason he can't work, he obviously does struggle with some things or he wouldnt be where he is now, but he also has a lot of talent, he's grrat with his hands or anything practical, he can fix anything, he knows everything there is to know about cars, and he's a really good singer/musician.

 

As bluefeather stated, maybe you need to ask him point blank what his aspirations are and how serious his TBI issues are and the overall prognosis on that.

I will, i'll try and have a more serious chat in the next couple of days!

 

Situations like this could be like a bipolar who stops taking meds because they "feel great" and "healed" or he doesn't like how the medications make him feel so he stops taking them, or he forgets to take them and within the prescribed time frame...constantly...and he has a seizure or abnormal behaviour, and you end up with a lot of messes to keep after.

He's not on any medication for it, he hasn't been prescribed anything.

[Olympia]

I was also wondering why he didn't receive disability benefits for veterans.

He should! he absolutely should! He was given money at the time of discharge but I think its all been screwed up someone and because of the time the injury took to progress and the lack of diagnoses I don't think what he got was in any way shape or form, fair given the scale of the injury.

But his problem is he's stepped back from all of it, he's not argued his case, he's not stayed active in the veteran community i.e. support groups, long term rehab etc, and hes now dropped so far off the radar he doesn't even have a registered current address, so no one could find him if they wanted to!

I think its so left field for him, all the paper work and that, and i don't think he believes he deserves and money, that he thinks he just has to look after himself. But it's my personal belief that he must be entitled to more than what he's got, surely he must be!

 

My dad owned a law firm, back in the day, and i bet any money if he heard about Luke he'd be like oh my god he's entitled to this and this and this! He's have a field day! Haha!

Only i can't exactly tell him because if he knew why I'd want to know he'd, well i don't even know what he'd do! Lose the plot probably!

 

Are you even sure HE is interested in having a serious relationship with you?

No .......which guess is what really brought me here because i would like to know exactly that, and i would like to broach that subject, bu i feel like its super unfair of me to pin him to how does he feel, what does he want, does he see a future for us, when here i am unable to answer those questions myself because of his lifestyle and his living/working circumstances.

 

I gather from what you have described that he's the kind of guy who is enjoying his freedom; also, I doubt if he's willing to endure your snobbish family.

I worry about what they would think of him, but god only knows what he would think of them. Hes very easy going but everyone has a limit don't they!

 

But my guess is that you are pretty young, so why not just enjoy having some fun time with him

I'm 24, which I know isnt olddddd! You think im being to serious? I just find it really hard to have any kind of emotional connection with someone without seeing a potential long term. I guess im weird like that!

[darkmoon]

once winter comes he will need a proper building to live in, so unless you want him to move in, say something now

 

but his life-stlye sounds lovely, go camping, chill under the stars

[Shepp]

Ahhh they've just got this thing about what constitutes a 'good profession', I think like they are wealthy and they've been able to provide a lot for me and my sister and its just their own way of caring i guess, but they are old fashioned, despite me and my sister having our own careers, they want to ensure that we'll be "looked after". Both my ex's were junior doctors and they were all for that, now my sister is engaged to a financial director, which they love.

I just know that they'll look down on him and that makes me fume because he doesnt deserve that!!! But they are good people, they're just a bit, stuck in the past, a bit sheltered in a sense!

 

I think this is your biggest challenge tbh! You need to make sure that you can separate your relationship with him from your relationship with them, and everyone else, or circumstances are going to render the whole thing pointless.

 

Your right, it isnt fair to get into something if you know that your parents strong opinions are going to influece you to the point you'll change your mind. It also isnt right to get into a relationship as a kind of FU to the rules, not that im saying thats what you are doing - but that is the flip side to a relationship like this.

 

If you and he feel like there's something there then i don't see any reason for you not to go for it. Any of us could be made homeless, its not a reflection on his personality, it is a reflection on his personality that despite all that he has remained upbeat and resilient!

But not everyone in your life is going to be okay with this, at least initially, you - and he! - need to be okay with that notion!

[Olympia]

once winter comes he will need a proper building to live in, so unless you want him to move in, say something now

 

but his life-stlye sounds lovely, go camping, chill under the stars

Right, like where his tent is looks absolutely idyllic .....for a holiday! Not forever! Winter's going to be super hard for him :/

 

Your right, it isnt fair to get into something if you know that your parents strong opinions are going to influece you to the point you'll change your mind.

Ah absolutely. That is why I want to be sure before i bring them into the equation because i

 

But not everyone in your life is going to be okay with this, at least initially, you - and he! - need to be okay with that notion!

Yeah, i guess thats life though isnt it, you cant have everything come simple!

[Shepp]

But his problem is he's stepped back from all of it, he's not argued his case, he's not stayed active in the veteran community i.e. support groups, long term rehab etc, and hes now dropped so far off the radar he doesn't even have a registered current address, so no one could find him if they wanted to!

You know though i've been watching the Invitus games over the last few days, there's so much available these days in the way of sport for ex service men, it might be if he could get into something like that he would find it a massive support - to be back with the military guys and to have the support of guys with similar injuries etc

Plus if he gets back in the veteran fold it might help him or encourage him to claim what he is due!

 

They even do a car racing team if thats what his real love is http://www.teambrit.co.uk/ Team BRIT - The Drivers

[Olympia]

They even do a car racing team if thats what his real love is Team BRIT - Home Team BRIT - The Drivers

 

Thanks Shepp, thats super interesting, and yeah! I'll definitely show him!

 

I agree, i think it wouldnt hurt him at all to be back in the veteran/military fold, it was his whole life once!

[herodgrant]

Got an update on this guy? I find this thread fascinating and OP comes across as a very thoughtful, intelligent woman.

[Olympia]

Everything was going well to be honest! He actually got pulled by someone when he was busking and got offered a short notice paid gig for that Saturday, which he took and was decent money, and hes hoping for a repeat booking so

 

BUT... I went to watch his gig and he stayed over mine that night (which is coincidentally, the first time we'd slept together since that first night), but i totally totally forgot that I'd told my best friend to pop in early Sunday for something and so we weren't even up and so she met him.

The next week she was so overexcited and full of questions, and i wasn't intending to tell anyone because its such early days and I'm only getting to know him myself, but i did tell her, she's been my best friend since I was 7 years old!

 

Only she reacted much stronger than what i thought she would, so i just told her to forget we'd even spoke about it, but she didn't, she told my sister, under the pretext of god only knows what, 'being worried', like I'm some little kid who can't make her own decisions. My sister in turn to her opportunity to one-up me in style and passed the info along to my parents who have gone mental...

 

I spoke to them earlier in the week and I ended up just putting the phone down, and i had a preexisting arrangement to see them today but i didnt go because, whats the point? I can't have an adult conversation, they dont want to hear it and im sick to the back teeth of being scolded when i've done absolutely nothing wrong!

 

I'm not really sure how to handle it if I'm honest. I'm just really mad, and really upset. I'm upset that all these people had to get involved, i just wanted to do this my way! He asked me why they don't like me being with him when they haven't met him, and what am i meant to say, because out loud the truth sounds ludicrous to me - he wasn't born privileges, life's been a battle for him, and he's down on his luck right now.

Theres no way to say it without them sounding like horrible people which upsets me because thats my family, and i love them! I know that they care, in their own way, but the fact remains if he was a millionaire business man, they would be jumping for joy and planning the wedding with little regard for how he treats me or how i felt, how happy we were! And because those things clearly don't matter to them all they see in him is his living situation.

 

He's been really lovely about the whole thing so i guess thats something because who wants all this drama with a girl they arent even 'official official' with

[mortensorchid]

I had to read that a few times to be sure I understood the chain of events and how it all came to be. So he is actually homeless ...

 

Listen, you did what you did. You can't take back the past, but I think it's best to move on from him. Whatever the case may be with his circumstances I think he's looking for a mother not a lover. Move on.

[Steve51]

Perhaps you can have him stay with you because I am sure that homeless people are just down on their luck and with all of your real estate training you can feel safe with him. He is homeless because he has a mental illness and you are not qualified to treat him or even know what he will do if you set him off. My wife was a real estate agent and she was fearful showing houses to single men who were normal.

Edited October 7, 2017 by Steve51

[Olympia]

Perhaps you can have him stay with you because I am sure that homeless people are just down on their luck and with all of your real estate training you can feel safe with him. He is homeless because he has a mental illness and you are not qualified to treat him or even know what he will do if you set him off. My wife was a real estate agent and she was fearful showing houses to single men who were normal.

 

He is normal! What even is normal, he's certainly as normal as anyone else is!

 

I don't confess to being a mental health expert but I do know that a head injury is different to mental health anyway!

(And i don't get the whole real estate thing? What real estate training)

[joseb]

OP, when the friend met him, did he immediately say "hi, I'm x, im homeless"? Just wondering how the homeless bit came up...

[rightondude]

OP, when the friend met him, did he immediately say "hi, I'm x, im homeless"? Just wondering how the homeless bit came up...

 

no, the OP told this detail to her friend (her friend since the age of 7) for some terrible reason. If a long time friend told me that they were hooking up and having over a homeless man with a head injury I'd be concerned for their well being also.

 

Should have kept that detail a secret until he made his way out of the woods OP. It would have been a funny anecdote then; whereas now it's cause for concern from those concerned with your welfare.

[joseb]

no, the OP told this detail to her friend (her friend since the age of 7) for some terrible reason.

 

Ok, if that's the case I wonder if this is some kind of (subconscious) rebellion Op?

 

I mean, all you had to say is something like "oh we just hooked up a couple of times, he's a musician" and move on.