kendahke Posted September 27, 2017 Posted September 27, 2017 2nd attempt: Why do you call your mind "crazy"?
Author laracode Posted September 27, 2017 Author Posted September 27, 2017 2nd attempt: Because I either want her and I don't, when I convince myself everything it's okay - it is... when I start thinking about break up I found million reasons why but yet don't want to break up with her but also not attracted and don't feel happy at 100 %..
kendahke Posted September 27, 2017 Posted September 27, 2017 (edited) Because I either want her and I don't, when I convince myself everything it's okay - it is... when I start thinking about break up I found million reasons why but yet don't want to break up with her but also not attracted and don't feel happy at 100 %.. Spend two weeks not convincing yourself of anything. Just be and see if your need to break up with her is just as overwhelming. When you feel yourself starting to reason yourself to insanity, recognize what you are doing and tell yourself "for two week, I'm putting this aside and just observing without judging"--and stick to that. On October 11th, assess how you spent the last two weeks and see if your need to break up is still as strong as your need to stay. My daughter has a saying: "how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time." One bite at a time. Edited September 27, 2017 by kendahke 1
Sara1989 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 if I notice that she gets pain I will leave immediately, will do the best for her. Maybe it's better to leave her now but I can't just "undo" my decision, so as long as she does not get hurt i will think about week or two. Today we were together and she asked me what are we going to do for new years eve so I thought it's too far to plan it and she asked me "Are we going to be together till then, aren't we? Promise me..." I just got paralyzed and I just hugged her and...) Omg just dump her already. She knows something is not right, she has even come right out and asked you if you were going to leave her. You are staying with this girl purely out of selfish reasons, you are already hurting this poor girl and her self esteem. If you want keep an friendship its unlikely to happen at this point as you are messing her around so much. Just end it already. Waiting 2 weeks is total bull****. Damn I love to talk to that girl and talk some sense into her, she should have dumped you by now.
Author laracode Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Sara, you can't imagine how much I care for her and I did my best to show my love to her (as much as I had). The last thing I have ever wanted is to make her sad. Just last few days I was colder because of the doubts I have and because all of this I am selfish... I am not hurting her self esteem,I don't blame her, for me she is perfect, just I am not attracted that much.
Tribble Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Sara, you can't imagine how much I care for her and I did my best to show my love to her (as much as I had). The last thing I have ever wanted is to make her sad. Just last few days I was colder because of the doubts I have and because all of this I am selfish... I am not hurting her self esteem,I don't blame her, for me she is perfect, just I am not attracted that much. You just don't understand. You are hurting her self esteem because you just aren't that into her but are staying with her. You may not be doing it consciously but you're staying with her because something better hasn't come along yet. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with her to break up. You just aren't right for her. She may be good on paper but your relationship is missing that something that can't be described, only felt. You say she doesn't know anything is wrong but she obviously does after the New Year comment. Put yourself and her out of this misery. 2
kendahke Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) for me she is perfect, just I am not attracted that much. These two statements cancel each other out. You're making the mistake of conflating the two when they are two distinct positions. I'm beginning to bend towards Sara1989's assessment of you being selfish, too. At first I thought you were just confused, but now I think it has more to do more with you not wanting to be alone than it does with hurting her because what you are doing and how you are feeling both are hurting her more than you staying with her because you are living a lie and leading her to believe one thing when the truth is a completely different matter--and that is not fair. And it's a lie that will dawn on her the minute someone new floats past your line of sight that you want to pursue. Why are you afraid to be alone? All of this is about your comfort level and not hers. You want to rubber band with this girl: pushing one day, pulling the next. It's no wonder she's feeling clingy and childish--you refuse to be consistent. Then you want to take swipes at how she looks when that wasn't just sprung on you 2 weeks ago. How can someone who is perfect for you make you not want to deal with them? Her being clingy and childish is perfect for you? That makes absolutely no sense. Edited September 28, 2017 by kendahke
Author laracode Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Well, maybe I am mistaken, maybe I am selfish but no, I am not afraid to be alone, I am more afraid of spending time with my girlfriend, living with her, I love the time when I am alone, I am really busy so being alone will be better for me, I am afraid of losing this person, to not be able to call him, talk to him, etc... That's what I am afraid of, I can leave her and just go in other relationships if I am afraid to be alone... I'm confused, but believe me, If I was sure what I felt at 100% I would take actions. Right now it became more obvious to me but before that we were okay, we were together, we went out 5-6 days in the week, had our memories, everything was normal, I was just ignoring the lack of physical attraction and it was okay, I thought it's normal, I have 0 experience, can't tell if the things I am feeling are okay or not for 2 years relationship, that's why I asked you. But still I had some doubts which I also thought they are normal, idk guys it's not that easy - just dump her. I do not know even now at 100% what I am experiencing now, but never mind, I overthink it, maybe not everything should be 100% clear, I will have to take the risk and dump her, feelings aside... I am being too emotional, that's the reason why... Maybe I will regret my decision and miss her, maybe I will be happier no one knows.. Just her to be happier...
anika99 Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 Because I either want her and I don't, when I convince myself everything it's okay - it is... when I start thinking about break up I found million reasons why but yet don't want to break up with her but also not attracted and don't feel happy at 100 %.. That doubt is just fear and you can't make important decisions about your life based on fear. Break ups are always painful and it's perfectly normal to feel some anxiety when ending a relationship. I'm more than twice your age and I've been through my fair share of break ups. In every case, no matter how much I wanted out, when the time came to walk away I would suddenly be filled with feelings of panic and dread. I accepted those feelings as part of my decision and didn't turn back and I'm glad for it. It would be terrible if I were forever stuck in a lousy relationship just because I couldn't face the pain of leaving. As an aside part of the reason your gf is clingy and needy is because she feels your lack of attraction and uncertainty. That is also just human nature. Any girl friend that you become cold and unattracted to is initially going to respond to that by becoming clingy and needy. This girl feels your doubt and emotional distance and you are being cruel to not tell her the truth of your feelings. She intuitively knows you are not into her but when she tries to have a discussion about that you lie to her. So not only is she wasting her time with a guy who isn't even attracted to her, you are causing her self doubt and confusion by not being open and honest with her. You say you are not damaging her self esteem but you most definitely are. Stringing her along when your heart isn't really with her is much meaner than just breaking up with her. You are both really young. Once you two part you will both meet new people and fall in love with better matches. Walking away from this relationship is not the end of the world. Neither one of you are going to spend the rest of your lives alone. Be kind and end this relationship. 1
kendahke Posted September 28, 2017 Posted September 28, 2017 I am afraid of losing this person, to not be able to call him, talk to him, etc... Him? Who is 'him'? I'm confused, but believe me, If I was sure what I felt at 100% I would take actions. Here's the thing: in life, there is no such things as guarantees. There is no 100% sure of anything. It goes one way or it goes the other, but if you're waiting on a guarantee of things, you'll be frozen in place forever while life passes you by. That's part of what life is about: it's a learning experience where stepping out on faith takes up a huge chunk of decisions people make. Otherwise, you stagnate and don't grow and don't learn the life lessons you're supposed to learn to advance to the next level. If a baby spent its time worrying about being 100% sure that letting go of the table meant it would never, ever fall, they'd never walk. They let go and learn the lesson of the magnetic iron core at the center of the earth that governs gravity. Right now it became more obvious to me but before that we were okay, we were together, we went out 5-6 days in the week, had our memories, everything was normal, I was just ignoring the lack of physical attraction and it was okay, I thought it's normal, I have 0 experience, can't tell if the things I am feeling are okay or not for 2 years relationship, that's why I asked you. But still I had some doubts which I also thought they are normal, idk guys it's not that easy - just dump her. When you talk to her about the stagnation in your relationship, what does she say? If you haven't, why are you afraid to talk to her about it? I do not know even now at 100% what I am experiencing now, but never mind, I overthink it, maybe not everything should be 100% clear, I will have to take the risk and dump her, feelings aside... I am being too emotional, that's the reason why... Maybe I will regret my decision and miss her, maybe I will be happier no one knows.. Just her to be happier... Overthinking anything keeps you mired in misery. You'll drive yourself crazy with "what ifs". Yes, you may regret your decision, but it won't kill you. You'll be sad for a minute and then you'll get over it--just like you've gotten over most experiences in your life when things didn't go as you planned. Life has absolutely no guarantees--none of us are guaranteed the next hour, let alone the next day or the next 60 years.
Author laracode Posted September 28, 2017 Author Posted September 28, 2017 Sorry, was writing from my phone, I meant "her"... Yes, you said it very well... No guarantees in life...
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