d0nnivain Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 You are not attracted to her & you don't want to spend time with her. You are not a bad guy & you certainly don't want to hurt her but on some level you are using her. While she's with you & faithful to you, she is not out finding a BF who thinks she's gorgeous who wants to spend all his time with her. If you genuinely care about her as a person, tell her your conflicted feelings & let her go. It's the right thing to do. You are not required to feel anyway other than how you feel but since you are not head over heals doesn't she deserve the chance to find somebody who is? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 then why I would love her as hell What evidence do you have that you love her like hell? If that's love, count me out. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Well, what are you talking about? I am trying to figure out my feelings, talked to many people, want to get the best decision, when I am with her it's okay, we have good sex, etc... but... then why I would love her as hell, if i didn't have the feelings to her I would have dumped her already... And why I always should "Stop wasting her time", it's not about wasting time, it's about finding the best decision, and finding your partner.. we all take risks when we fall in love with each other... She can dump me as well or cheat me... that does not mean she is wasting my time... Sorry guys, thank you for helping me, It's really painful for me.. that's the reason why I post it You help me a lot and I appreciate it! I am a Senior Software Developer by trade for many years. Listen your still young even if you want to be with this girl you can. I made a mistake once with my true love back in my early 20's. Today I can't change what I did but you have a chance where I made the worst move. If you want this girl then hold on to her. You can still be a programmer and have her. Unless you don't want her. But it sounds like to me you do. Mine we use too talk every day in and out of college. I would be in the track and field running she would run right next to me. I had it made.. She really loved me to death.. I did too. I wish I could go back and change history tell myself don't do what your thinking..What I did forced her to go out with another guy because I didn't think back then. I made it to easy for the other guy he thanked me. I felt bad. I continued being a programmer to this day. I could have married her and had kids later on.. Now i pay the price, finding someone to be happy with is so hard for even me. I am very picky I will not just settle for anyone. If you love this girl then keep her she wants to be with you. Your 18 doesn't matter lock it you can have something to look forward too down the road.. Link to post Share on other sites
guy45 Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 So you want us to convince you to stay with her? Sounds to me like you already know she's not right for you, but your in denial. Been there. Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I am 18 y old, i do love my girlfriend, however I am working hard as programmer, don't have much free time. That's not the issue though. But I do not want to spend much time with my grlfriend, we've been together for 2 years (she is my first) but still for example, her parents are on vacation, she wants to sleep with her, but I do not want that, I do not know why, I feel obsessed or idk what.. but just don't know why don't want to spend too much time with her, I enjoy being with her 1-2h, and we visit each other 3-4-5 times / week but still... she wanted to go on a hotel with me for a 3-4 days but still i don't know why I do not want this. There is no big physical attraction, however i find her a bit attractive (but we've been together for 2 years which I think is understandable) Why do you think you can do better than her? You been with her for a couple of years since your 16? Why did you stay so long with her then? Now your have doubts.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 22, 2017 Author Share Posted September 22, 2017 Why do you think you can do better than her? You been with her for a couple of years since your 16? Why did you stay so long with her then? Now your have doubts.. I often have doubts.. I don't know why sometimes i do not want to spent much time with her... And I can not tell you if I am attracted to her or not because I do not know what is to have girlfriend and find it attractive, for example I find some other girls much more attractive, but they are not my gfs, they are just girls... By the way I am programmer as well, and I am a track and field athlete - 60/100m & she is running as well Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 I often have doubts.. I don't know why sometimes i do not want to spent much time with her... And I can not tell you if I am attracted to her or not because I do not know what is to have girlfriend and find it attractive, for example I find some other girls much more attractive, but they are not my gfs, they are just girls... By the way I am programmer as well, and I am a track and field athlete - 60/100m & she is running as well Does she get on your nerves? Does she talk to much? Is she all over you and you don't like your space being encroached upon? Does she smell? Is she boring to talk to? Is she clingy? Is she argumentative? Is she sloppy/messy? Trying to help you to get at why you don't want to be around her. You know why, you just are afraid to articulate it. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted September 22, 2017 Share Posted September 22, 2017 Are you introverted? If you are, you probably need a lot of alone time. My best spend nights in my young years were the nights i sneaked out from friends gathering to spend in the lab by myself I think people misunderstand introverts so badly, it hurts (like introvert is NOT being antisocial or anxious) But also: you're way, waaaaaaay too young to be in a relationship, especially a serious one. I can tell you from experience 2 years is not long enough to lose attraction, I'd be terrified if my partner said so (in my last RL, we were like double your age, 32/39 and still around the second year daily sex was a non-negotiable). You say you're a programmer - why don't you focus on that and/or school instead of RLs? You have your whole life ahead to bother being in RLs. I often have doubts.. I don't know why sometimes i do not want to spent much time with her... And I can not tell you if I am attracted to her or not because I do not know what is to have girlfriend and find it attractive, for example I find some other girls much more attractive, but they are not my gfs, they are just girls... By the way I am programmer as well, and I am a track and field athlete - 60/100m & she is running as well Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 But also: you're way, waaaaaaay too young to be in a relationship, especially a serious one. I can tell you from experience 2 years is not long enough to lose attraction, . Agree, at that age it's about trying to figure out who you are. Way too young to be in a serious relationship. I'm not sure the op has lost attraction. I'm getting the feeling he was not all that attracted to her in the first place. I'm not really hearing anything he likes about her... Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 23, 2017 Author Share Posted September 23, 2017 (edited) First of all, I find some parts of her attractive, for example I find her face somehow attractive, can't say the same about her body, about body, she is a bit fat, actually she has some belly fats and a bit on legs, I like more her character, he is a good girl, we don't argue often, she understands when I am busy, even though she is really, really clingy. I am confused because I have feelings to this girl, It feels impossible for me to end this relationship because ... I do not know why... Well, it's not all about the pysical attraction i can say - she acts childish sometimes, and a bit clingy, for example, when I go for a workout (running), I go often alone or with a friend because she is always on me, just like a doggy... (at least most of the time )... Just the things I do not like about her character is - being clingy and childish, she always wants to say she is right just like a child... and sometime I feel i have a child rather than girlfriend... Dont get me wrong, she is a normal girl not some psycho, she has a good heart as well I do not know why I have these doubts... just :@ I feel like a psycho, sometimes when I walk alone and I feel that my life routine goes like that - school, work, girlfriend , workout... and there is no big emotion in my relationship so i feel my life goes with no emotions at all... when I say to myself "It's normal, don't worry", it's okay for some time and then again... Let me explain why I do not want to end up the relationship and why I write here so much will be honest with you: - We've been for 2 years and I feel like I am attached with her - It feels impossible for me - If I see her with another guy, I swear i will just die inside - I may regret it too much - When i do not have these doubts it's okay somehow.... - Lose a valuable person... ============ On the other hand, I may find a girl and have a big, big attraction and just feel emotions that I haven't experienced yet BUT the grass isn't always greener they say Thank you, I really do appreciate your help!! Edited September 23, 2017 by laracode Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 You started it above but write out the pros & cons. Literally make two columns: reasons to stay; reasons to break up Write it all out -- the trivial & the profound. Just free think & write. Don't worry about what you are writing. Just write. When you are done, put the list away for a day. Look at it the next day. It should tell you what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 23, 2017 Author Share Posted September 23, 2017 Even if I write them (like i do in this forum) in the next day I don't change my opinion, when I start doubting my feelings I start feeling everything in this relationship is wrong.. A few hours ago I was training, my girlfriend was there, my coach and another girl which was gorgeous. I find it really beautiful and I get some feelings... just in my stomach. Ahhhh... When she looked at me it was like, but the grass isn't greener on the other side... Is that normal?? I do not know why I keep posting this, for example after that I went to my gf house and just I felt so many memories there and this made me think aboutthe break-up and that I will never see her. Maybe you are all right and this relationship is wrong I just try to escape from the reality If I know at 100% she's not right for me I will find courage to leave her alone... Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2017 Share Posted September 23, 2017 What you are experiencing is emotional attachment. You love her, but you are not in love with her. Adjusting to not having that person in your life is what scares you, but it's temporary. You can do it, and after a few weeks you will be feeling relief that you made the right decision. It will be like a weigh lifted of your shoulders, and she becomes a distant memory. Right now you can't see that because of all these emotions you are feeling. You have to believe me when I say, they will dissipate over time. You will be happier as you move on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 Thank You guys I will try to think a bit about this... It's not easy here, it's just... I so inexperienced so I think everything in this relationship is normal, she is clingy, over jealous, childish and obsessive so combined with the little lack of attraction it just... Just I can't why I doubt my feelings to a woman that's good hearted, she is not a gold digger, she won't leave me and she's not ugly, so that's what I've ever wanted and now I... Never mind... Thank you ! Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 You're feeling smothered by her and you're not in love with her. The poster who said you love her but aren't in love with her nailed it. I was in a similar situation when I was 18. It was such a relief after I broke up with him. You're cheating both of you by staying--you each deserve someone you feel passionate about who is fully into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 24, 2017 Author Share Posted September 24, 2017 (edited) Okay guys... The more i think about brake-up the more it hurts, I was in the same position a year ago, I doubted my feelings we broke up, I had a hard month and we got back together because maybe of my stupid mind and .. or maybe we gave second change to our relationship. And now out of nothing a 2 weeks ago I started doubting my feelings, and everything went terribly wrong... this text guys... I really feel it "It's like, the more I try, the less I feel In desperate need of something real Why, lately I ain't been the same? And why I try so hard to hide this pain I search, but I can't ever find..." I want to have the passion to be everywhere with my girlfriend, I want to go with her for even an hour but to be the best hour in my life... And it's like a dream that I can not achieve. I feel like a psycho that ruins the perfect relationship... ... We're in a world full of people, yet I'm feeling so lonely If only I could tell myself there's plenty fish in the sea But see, the sea if full of sharks, fake guppies, and greed And as I find myself drowning while I'm fighting to breathe I realize that I'm in love with what I thought we could be Has anyone felt like this? Thanks Edited September 24, 2017 by laracode Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted September 24, 2017 Share Posted September 24, 2017 It sounds like you want to stay with her because she is familiar but really you are not that into your girlfriend. You might as well finish with her because at least she will be free to find someone who does want to sleep with her and spend time with her. You are uncommitted and it sounds like you want the bachelor life but with her in the background for security. That is not fair on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 I dont know, all my relationship is 50/50.. I either want he and I don't. When I think about breaking up I feel that I will be free and can find a girl that I will really love with will want to be with her but at the same time I feel a real, real, real pain inside me... It hurts... and I don't know why.... You say that breaking is the right but why then it hurts as hell... Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 I dont know, all my relationship is 50/50.. I either want he and I don't. When I think about breaking up I feel that I will be free and can find a girl that I will really love with will want to be with her but at the same time I feel a real, real, real pain inside me... It hurts... and I don't know why.... You say that breaking is the right but why then it hurts as hell... Almost everyone breaking up with someone feels like that. It's a rare person that can break up a ltr without feeling a lot of discomfort. But you need to do it for her, as much as for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 25, 2017 Share Posted September 25, 2017 Trust me, the answer is never to stay with someone you've outgrown to 1. keep from feeling sad or alone 2. keep them from feeling sad or alone 3. live inauthentically (aka: living a lie) You don't do anyone any favors by living a lie. All that accomplishes is living a life of quiet desperation and you are way too young to be doing that. Your girlfriend is a better friend for you than she is a romantic partner. You've found your preference isn't with her because you need a girl who isn't clingy and childish or one who physically turns you off because staying with her despite how you feel about her will only make you feel worse about yourself and how you sold yourself out the longer it goes on. Also, when the right girl does turn up, you're going to be caught up with a clingy, childish girl who most likely isn't going to let you go easily and will make you and a new girls' life a living hell. You need to be free and clear and available, not mired down in messiness. Be brave and act in your own best interest, not what is convenient to someone you're no longer attracted to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 25, 2017 Author Share Posted September 25, 2017 Okay guys, thank you, you help me a lot, i will stop repeating the same thing "Why? and I do not know what to do..." So my final concern is: "Is there a chance this doubt to be caused by my crazy mind and everything to be normal? I doubt it very often but the last year I ignored it, every time I see she's not happy I start doubting everything... Is this a sign or just a disorder ?" THANK YOU ! YOU MAYBE THE REASON THAT SOMEDAY I LIVE A LIFE WITH GOOD RELATIONSHIP ! Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 26, 2017 Share Posted September 26, 2017 Why do you call your mind crazy? What's happening is that you're realizing that you're settling and you know you're too young for that. Being out of a relationship is not going to kill you. If anything, it will bring about clarity much faster than being distracted by someone whose childishness and manipulation through that childishness requires all of your focus. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 27, 2017 Author Share Posted September 27, 2017 Thanks guys.. Will wait a few more days and try to take actions, yesterday I missed my girlfriend when I got these thoughts for break up but guess it does not matter because maybe will feel better without her in long term, not sure of course, last year when we broke up I was feeling bad because she was training at the same place where I was and I I saw her it was just... otherwise I was feeling somehow okay Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Tribble Posted September 27, 2017 Share Posted September 27, 2017 I would be heartbroken if someone I was with felt the way about me that you feel about your girlfriend. As everyone says, you should break up. Breakups are never painless, even if you are the one initiating them. You aren't a bad person, but relationships shouldn't feel this way. If you were in love, you wouldn't notice a bit of weight or have these crippling doubts. The grass isn't always greener and no relationship is perfect but you should feel driven to be with the person and work on it. You aren't feeling that. You care about your gf, that much is obvious, but that is not enough to keep a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with your relationship. You are not with the right person. Rip off the band aid and I can guarantee it will be better in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
Author laracode Posted September 27, 2017 Author Share Posted September 27, 2017 (edited) Well, she does not notice it, most of the time we go out together but the spark is not there for me. I just want to think twice before doing things, if I notice that she gets pain I will leave immediately, will do the best for her. Maybe it's better to leave her now but I can't just "undo" my decision, so as long as she does not get hurt i will think about week or two. Today we were together and she asked me what are we going to do for new years eve so I thought it's too far to plan it and she asked me "Are we going to be together till then, aren't we? Promise me..." I just got paralyzed and I just hugged her and... You know, no big physical attraction, much emotionally attached and ... sometimes if the things get worse you gotta do something no matter of your feelings, just not to hurt the one you love, even though you know you will never see him in your life but you gotta be strong because you love them and you don't want to hurt them... Yeah, that's life, wish I was heartless guys again, the last time I wish I was heartless when she was rejecting me in the beginning, just circle of life. It can turn people like me that never get upset into just some sad puppets. The life goes on... No need to answer to this, I am repeating myself, just expressing my feelings... You may hate me again here for my emotional expression and song lyrics but, sometimes listening to these songs just make it a bit more better : ========================= Looking at the mirror, red eyes, God, I need a call Tell me that You're here, I wonder if I'm even me at all Lately, I don't feel it—it ain't real 'til you know it's gone I just hate how we left things So I owe you this letter that I wrote Only two ways a love dies It blows up or it fades slow (I'm sorry) There's a knot in my chest and it won't untie No matter what, I'm always there Another one of my lies Boxes of promises all on the side I'm not there 'cause I know you're doing better I'm not there 'cause I know it hurts I'm not there 'cause of all of this I'm not there 'cause I make you worse I'm sorry I'm sorry for everything I put you through I'm sorry for the things that I said to you I'm sorry for the way that I am to you I'm sorry I'm sorry 'cause I know that I let you down I'm sorry 'cause I know I won't be around I'm sorry for everything ========================== Thank you guys for the help here. Wish you all the best, be happy and don't become heartless, that's not good. Edited September 27, 2017 by laracode Link to post Share on other sites
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