Feel like a [bad] person [when missing their AP]

[MidnightBlue1980]

So at first I was going to say it's somewhat normal to think of the AP if you had a decent experience in the affair and it was terminated unnaturally by a D Day. For me, I don't think of him since I had the delightful experience of seeing him for a year after it ended so I got to know 100% that he was a total waste of human DNA.

 

But - then I refreshed myself on your backstory, which I actually had read live (been on this board too long now) and well, I will say that I think it's not a good sign. I do not think you are a bad person or any of that crap (please, if you've read my story I don't think badly of anyone), but it was some guy you had a few dates with in high school. How old are you now, 40s? To me, clearly it is an infatuation, a white knight syndrome because you are unhappy. Whether you were unhappy before or since your husband had an OW and asked for a divorce, only you know. But it's been years on and off that you have talked to this guy - clearly he also shares that infatuation/white knight syndrome. However you posted a year ago that he was separated and getting divorced. I fear for you that he will divorce, move on and you will not move on as well.

 

It shouldn't be this hard, that is what I am saying. I am wondering if deep down you question if it was just an EA with the OW, he wanted to divorce you, I read your posts and I see you putting all the blame on yourself. It takes two. Are you really happy where you are?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I know this might sound counterintuative, but talking to your spouse when you are struggling can really help.

 

I'm not saying that you need to rub the affair in his face, just that you are down and having a bad day.

 

Part of reconciliation is learning to trust each other with your emotions. It can be a rocky road sometimes, but try not to get bogged down in worrying about it.

 

I might be wrong, but are you suggesting to tell the BS "I miss my AP, can we talk about it? " If my WW ever hinted to that, I woud hire the most vicious divorce lawyer in the state the next business day.

[road]

I might be wrong, but are you suggesting to tell the BS "I miss my AP, can we talk about it? " If my WW ever hinted to that, I woud hire the most vicious divorce lawyer in the state the next business day.

 

Well there is the WW telling her BH that she misses

the OM for the sex was great.

 

Then there is the WW that tells her BH about how

affairs cause the same addictive brain chemistry

as doing drugs.

 

The thought of being bad and getting away with it

gives people in affairs a high. Addictions cause the

addict to keep wanting to get another fix. Just as a

drunk wants another beer a WS wants another date

with their AP.

 

This does not mean I want the OM. That my cravings

from the affair high makes me miss the affair. I have

learned that affairs and the OM are bad and never

will go there again. Me being sad is not me missing

the affair but my body missing the high.

 

As with all addicts with time we detox from our

addiction and then no longer miss the high.

 

My commitment to you BH is to maintain NC

with the OM forever to prevent the addictive

feelings returning.

 

 

 

Betrayed&Strayed, when a relationship ends

people are advised to not date for a year for

their brain to heal. They need to mourn the

lose of the relationship. An affair is a

relationship.

 

Now some people can take an unopened carton

of cigarette toss it away and quit and bury

their cravings. Others have a hard time and

cannot even be around others that are smoking.

 

I have seen countless WW's through the years.

Some on D day went cold turkey on the OM.

Others had a hard time beating their addiction.

Though with effort they did.

[Friskyone4u]

OP,

 

The problem is unfortunately there is ALWAYS going to be stress in your life, sometimes more, and sometimes less. Using that as a "reason" your thoughts turn to OM is rationalizing. The bottom line is there is no reason that it is acceptable. You could and maybe did use the same thought process for entering the affair.

 

Now, just as pronouncements that you will cheat again are not correct, SO ARE pronouncements that you will never cheat again. You probably did not think you would ever be one to do it the first time.

 

Just like a drunk or drug addict has a more likely chance of relapse, so do you versus someone who never crossed the line and facing that head on will help you more than making reasons why you are still thinking of OM. Drunks do not have to go to the same bar to be a drunk again. The bars are all over the place and so are men.

 

No one here knows if you will ever do this again and neither do you. Whoever can predict that with certainty will be an instant billionaire.

[alsudduth]

OP,

 

The problem is unfortunately there is ALWAYS going to be stress in your life, sometimes more, and sometimes less. Using that as a "reason" your thoughts turn to OM is rationalizing. The bottom line is there is no reason that it is acceptable. You could and maybe did use the same thought process for entering the affair.

 

I'm not looking for a reason to rationalize...I'm looking to understand what brings the thoughts to the forefront so that I can be cognizant of the triggers and do something about it before it gets out of control. So that I can learn healthy habits in place of the bad habits.

 

That was the whole point of my post.

[wmacbride]

I might be wrong, but are you suggesting to tell the BS "I miss my AP, can we talk about it? " If my WW ever hinted to that, I woud hire the most vicious divorce lawyer in the state the next business day.

 

 

I think you might have misunderstood.

 

What I meant was it's okay for her to have bad days, and to tell him about them.

 

It's also okay for a ws to let their bs know if they are struggling. this isn't the same as saying the miss their ap.

 

I can only speak for myself, but I didn't want any more secrets. It was secrets,hiding emotions and reusing to be vulnerable that put my spouse in the place he was in in the first place. I'd also a fool to have thought that he didn't think of the A sometimes. The question was did he miss his ow or did miss whatever it was he was getting from the A.

 

How can people move forward form something if they can't talk about it openly? This doesn't mean that I think a ws should got h their spouse and say " I miss my ow/om because of this,this, and this", more that they say something along the lines of " I'm trying to work through my bad choices, and why I ad the affair in the first place. I realize that I may have been missing something in our marriage and handled it badly. Can we talk abbot what it was,and maybe find ways we can add that to our relationship?"

[wmacbride]

I'm not looking for a reason to rationalize...I'm looking to understand what brings the thoughts to the forefront so that I can be cognizant of the triggers and do something about it before it gets out of control. So that I can learn healthy habits in place of the bad habits.

 

That was the whole point of my post.

 

What are the words form the AA prayer about changing what you can, accepting what you cna't and being wise enough to know the difference?

 

you can't change an A that already happened. What is sounds like you are doing is figuring out what you can change and working on that.

 

it's going to take time, so be patient with yourself.

[Bittersweetie]

In the aftermath of d-day, I read a lot of books on marriage, relationships, and self-esteem. I figured the more I could learn the more I could take a practical look at myself and my relationships and how to make them better. I looked at the thought patterns that had gotten me into my A, recognizing them, and learning to spot them before they even start. I learned new coping skills which I applied even when they felt wrong (soon they felt right). I started leaning toward my H rather than away from him. I did a lot of journaling, not "I miss my AP" but "I miss how my AP made me feel...how did he make me feel? What does that mean? How can I look for that in a healthy way?"

 

It took time. A lot of time. A lot of pain. A lot of being vulnerable with myself and my H. Please be patient with yourself, and continue to move forward. The A will always be there. It's what you do now that will make you. Sending you strength.

[Clay]

"Hey, I miss AP." How is that helpful? She is NOT the same person she was when she cheated. The difference here is that she's had thoughts. She has not acted on them, nor will she. So she is not being selfish having feelings. Tell me, do you tell your wife every time you see a hot girl on the street or in a magazine and you have an inappropriate thought? If you tell me you don't have inappropriate thoughts, I'd say I didn't believe you, but do you tell your wife that? No. It would only hurt her. If you ACTED on your inappropriate thoughts, then you are being selfish.

 

I don't get how thoughts are selfish. It's actions that can be selfish. Thoughts are just thoughts. She was expressing her thoughts and trying to deal with stress in her life. She's not acting on them. Big difference.

 

I don't recall saying she should run and say Damn I am missing Charlie today. It really sucks I am stuck with you....

 

I meant she should say I am having a really difficult time today. I am thinking about the mess I made and sadly I am still trying to deal with my feelings as well. This would let her Partner know what she is doing today. If this goes on then yes her Partner needs to know. He deserves the right to make decisions for his life.

 

This dark moment you talk about. She did act it on. Her mind went straight to the OM. You can say it didn't but that's not the truth. She didn't run to him. She didn't call him. She didn't write him. She thought about the great times they had and there close connection. She did this when things were hard for her. This moment in time is when she should have called upon her husband. He should have been the light at the end of the tunnel. The truth is he is not. Her AP is. Now she can try to force herself to change her feelings but in the end I doubt it will change. You call it a small misstep. I say its a window into how she really feels.

 

The selfish part is she is not telling her husband how she really feels. She wants this safe life but when things get her she will always have that wonderful moment in time..... I don't know about you but the ten years I spent with a serial cheater if I had known for a second she really felt this way I would have left along time ago.

 

So the fact she hides it and says nothing is selfish. Its wrong. Her husband gave her another chance and instead of being honest and open she chooses to lie and manipulate.

 

If I don't tell him he wont know. Who benefits from that statement? Don't you think that he wanted honesty when he offered that second chance. As another poster said If she had told me she missed her ex I would have file for divorce on the spot with the best lawyer. So with that being said. We want them to come back home and work on the problems and be faithful again but we don't want to talk about the difficult things because our feelings will be hurt worse than the cheating itself?

 

Like it or not when you want to reconcile you are saying that you agree to work on all problems including the cheating. You are saying you want the cheater to be open and honest so you can build trust in them again. Its the way this works. It doesn't have to be done in a crude way but its clear some people really would rather rug sweep this stuff then actually deal with it.

 

These forums are here to help people. To call them out when they make bad unhealthy decisions. Her looking at her AP in a positive light is a serious issue. Its something she really needs to take a hard look at. Her going straight to those thoughts when things were difficult is another problem as well. She really needs to ask herself is she really ready to fix things with her husband or should she let him go so he has a chance to find someone special for him.

 

C

[alsudduth]

I'm not sure why it's thought that I'm lying or manipulating my husband. I'm trying to understand what is happening in my brain so that I CAN communicate with him.

 

It was a busy family weekend, so I have not had the chance, and honestly the thoughts of OM were fleeting, but I do intend to talk to my H about all this. I won't put it so eloquently as "Hey I'm missing my OM"(<--sarcasm), because as others have pointed out it's not about the OM specifically. More along the lines of, "hey I'm feeling really overwhelmed with life right now. I'm starting to see how these stress factors led me down a bad path because our communication was so bad in the past, but now that we can talk about these things, I'm hopeful it will help knowing I have your support when I'm feeling down".

[drifter777]

I'm not sure why it's thought that I'm lying or manipulating my husband. I'm trying to understand what is happening in my brain so that I CAN communicate with him.

 

It was a busy family weekend, so I have not had the chance, and honestly the thoughts of OM were fleeting, but I do intend to talk to my H about all this. I won't put it so eloquently as "Hey I'm missing my OM"(<--sarcasm), because as others have pointed out it's not about the OM specifically. More along the lines of, "hey I'm feeling really overwhelmed with life right now. I'm starting to see how these stress factors led me down a bad path because our communication was so bad in the past, but now that we can talk about these things, I'm hopeful it will help knowing I have your support when I'm feeling down".

 

I strongly advise you to never, ever talk to your husband about still having any kind of feelings for OM. Not "I miss him" or "I miss how I felt with him" or whatever. None, nada, zilch. In my case this would have pushed me over the edge to divorce.

[deadsoul]

I don't recall saying she should run and say Damn I am missing Charlie today. It really sucks I am stuck with you...

 

Your earlier post said, "I think if you really want to fix things you need to show your husband this thread. Tell him the truth about the other man and that your still looking at him in a fond light. He deserves to know the truth. If you chose to hide this from him then you are still the same person you were when you cheated. It is selfish to make choices for other people when the outcome only benefits you. " I never said you said, "it sucks I am stuck with you."

 

I meant she should say I am having a really difficult time today. I am thinking about the mess I made and sadly I am still trying to deal with my feelings as well. This would let her Partner know what she is doing today. If this goes on then yes her Partner needs to know. He deserves the right to make decisions for his life.

 

Yes. I agree with you on this.

 

This dark moment you talk about. She did act it on. Her mind went straight to the OM. You can say it didn't but that's not the truth. She didn't run to him. She didn't call him. She didn't write him. She thought about the great times they had and there close connection. She did this when things were hard for her. This moment in time is when she should have called upon her husband. He should have been the light at the end of the tunnel. The truth is he is not. Her AP is. Now she can try to force herself to change her feelings but in the end I doubt it will change. You call it a small misstep. I say its a window into how she really feels.

 

We will have to agree to disagree here. Having a thought is not the same as calling, running or writing to him. It's a thought. As humans, we have so many thoughts a day that aren't at all a window into how we really feel. Sometimes a thought is just a thought. Sometimes thinking about OM isn't really thinking about OM at all. It's using him as an escape. If I follow your logic, you are saying that every time things get hard and an sober alcoholic thinks about having a drink, they must really want a drink and that's how they really feel. That drink must be the light at the end of the tunnel and that person must want that over everything else. Waywards have a lot of wayward thinking to deal with. It doesn't happen over night (but I wish it did!). If we beat ourselves up every time we have a wayward thought, we are not recovering at all. Trust me, I've played that game and it wasn't working. Now I embrace my thoughts and I'm working on looking deeper at what I'm really thinking about.

 

The selfish part is she is not telling her husband how she really feels. She wants this safe life but when things get her she will always have that wonderful moment in time..... I don't know about you but the ten years I spent with a serial cheater if I had known for a second she really felt this way I would have left along time ago.

 

Ahh. That makes more sense now of your perspective. Here's the difference: a serial cheater is actively cheating. A recovering cheater is not actively cheating, but still dealing with wayward thoughts. If the cheater is having the thoughts and acting on them, that's not good. But a cheater who is having the thoughts, reflecting on them and NOT acting on them, how is that wrong? You are still standing by the opinion that thoughts are bad and I'm trying to challenge your thinking a bit.

 

So the fact she hides it and says nothing is selfish. Its wrong. Her husband gave her another chance and instead of being honest and open she chooses to lie and manipulate.

 

If I don't tell him he wont know. Who benefits from that statement? Don't you think that he wanted honesty when he offered that second chance. As another poster said If she had told me she missed her ex I would have file for divorce on the spot with the best lawyer. So with that being said. We want them to come back home and work on the problems and be faithful again but we don't want to talk about the difficult things because our feelings will be hurt worse than the cheating itself?

 

Like it or not when you want to reconcile you are saying that you agree to work on all problems including the cheating. You are saying you want the cheater to be open and honest so you can build trust in them again. Its the way this works. It doesn't have to be done in a crude way but its clear some people really would rather rug sweep this stuff then actually deal with it.

 

These forums are here to help people. To call them out when they make bad unhealthy decisions. Her looking at her AP in a positive light is a serious issue. Its something she really needs to take a hard look at. Her going straight to those thoughts when things were difficult is another problem as well. She really needs to ask herself is she really ready to fix things with her husband or should she let him go so he has a chance to find someone special for him.

 

C

 

The main thing we agree on is more communication is needed. OP needs to be able to talk about her stresses and get to the bottom of what's really bothering her. An addict has to deal with the thoughts and "cravings" of what they are/were addicted to. I read a study that shows that the same feelings an addict gets when they get that high is the same feeling someone dealing with "limerence" gets. Just because we think about it, doesn't mean we are going to do it. It sounds like in your case, your wayward wife was still acting on those feelings. I make a choice every day not to act on those feelings and I will continue to do this for the rest of my life. If my H can't live with that and needs to divorce me over it, then that's how it will have to be because I can't force the feelings away, as much as I want to. I don't want to have them and I'm working hard on controlling them. But I do not want to act on them and that I can control. I don't want to ever talk or see my OM again. Even if I end up single, I do not want him in my life.

[wmacbride]

In the aftermath of d-day, I read a lot of books on marriage, relationships, and self-esteem. I figured the more I could learn the more I could take a practical look at myself and my relationships and how to make them better. I looked at the thought patterns that had gotten me into my A, recognizing them, and learning to spot them before they even start. I learned new coping skills which I applied even when they felt wrong (soon they felt right). I started leaning toward my H rather than away from him. I did a lot of journaling, not "I miss my AP" but "I miss how my AP made me feel...how did he make me feel? What does that mean? How can I look for that in a healthy way?"

 

It took time. A lot of time. A lot of pain. A lot of being vulnerable with myself and my H. Please be patient with yourself, and continue to move forward. The A will always be there. It's what you do now that will make you. Sending you strength.

 

OP, this is excellent advice, and it sounds like you have chosen a similar path.

 

Sure, you could just gloss it all over and pretend like you can just move forward, but that approach may well backfire. Instead, you are taking the tack that reconciliation is about more than just reconnecting with your spouse, it's about personal growth. You are , in my opinion very wisely, taking the time to get it right.

 

I remember my spouse going through all of this, an how hard it was for him to face what he did head on. That takes a lot of courage, and you are doing that too.

 

You can change what happened. All you can do is work on yourself, support your spouse and look forward to better days ahead. For what it's worth, I'm pulling for you and your spouse, and truly believe that when all the dust settles, you will be proud of all the growth you've been able to achieve.

 

To sum it up ( and since I love gardening, I'll use an analogy from that). Sometimes the nastiest of weeds ( the aftermath of an affair) can produce the most beautiful of flowers.

[waterwoman]

We are told that men think about sex every 5 seconds or something - ie they think about sex a great deal. I assume this also means that an attractive woman will potentially prompt thoughts about sex. Good men don't act on those thoughts.

 

If that is OK (and it's OK as far as I'm concerned) I don't see how the OP thinking about her AP fondly is any worse. In fact it's less problematic as the thoughts will fade in time.

 

When H and I were a less than a year out from dday I knew he thought about OW - why wouldn't he? His thoughts might well have been mostly along the line of 'why the f*** did I got there?' but it didn't mean he wasn't still attracted to and fond of her. If he had told me he didn't I wouldn't have believed him.

[wmacbride]

OP, this is excellent advice, and it sounds like you have chosen a similar path.

 

Sure, you could just gloss it all over and pretend like you can just move forward, but that approach may well backfire. Instead, you are taking the tack that reconciliation is about more than just reconnecting with your spouse, it's about personal growth. You are , in my opinion very wisely, taking the time to get it right.

 

I remember my spouse going through all of this, an how hard it was for him to face what he did head on. That takes a lot of courage, and you are doing that too.

 

You can change what happened. All you can do is work on yourself, support your spouse and look forward to better days ahead. For what it's worth, I'm pulling for you and your spouse, and truly believe that when all the dust settles, you will be proud of all the growth you've been able to achieve.

 

To sum it up ( and since I love gardening, I'll use an analogy from that). Sometimes the nastiest of weeds ( the aftermath of an affair) can produce the most beautiful of flowers.

 

Sorry...I meant to say you "can't change what happened", not " you can".

[road]

After D day a WS will see the damage their

affair did and still be able to recall the good

times and feelings their affair gave them.

 

Talk about a conflict.

 

The WS cannot undo the damage that was done

and cannot now not like the needs that their

AP was meeting for those met made the WS feel

good.

 

On top of this a WS is not to trickle truth or lie.

 

So what does a WS do when their BS asks why

are you depressed today?

 

Better not tell the BS that they miss the great sex

or the emotional needs that the AP met.

 

The WS needs to be honest while minimizing hurting

the BS.

 

WS: I miss the high from the affair and seeing

the damage I have done makes me sad. I am just

like a drug addict whose high was not worth the

damage done afterwards.

 

Then the WS changes the subject. Puts on a smile

and tries for some hysterical bonding.

Edited September 26, 2017 by road

[BetrayedH]

I'm going to try to avoid wading in too deep here and simply answer the question that you asked, which had to do with practical advice when these thoughts occur.

 

Conventional advice is to force yourself to stop. Do not allow yourself to entertain these thoughts. Envision a stop sign if you must. Then you actively redirect your thoughts to your husband. In fact, it's recommended that you then spend the next several minutes planning a positive action you can take, such as planning a stop for a thoughtful card, planning your next getaway together, or sending your H a flirty text.

 

You may not be able to control the thoughts from initially entering your mind but you can control how long you choose to dwell on them.

 

I also agree with others that say if your OM knew you were married, then it's best to view him as an enemy to your marriage and family. He's not a prince; he's just a frog. You might be best to envision what further devastation would be wrought upon your family if you were to ever engage with him again.

[Friskyone4u]

Alsuduth,

 

I agree with those that are telling you to be real careful how you word whatever you say. Unless you are one of the rare few who believe male and female brains work the exact same way, you stating you have thoughts will translate in your husbands mind that you miss the sex with the AP while you are trying to convey just the opposite.

 

I am sure you have done a lot of reading and it is pretty commonly accepted that women become more emotionally involved in affairs than men, who are there primarily for the sex. Men stay in affairs until the sex stops and then move on much easier. Your husband may misinterpret what you are saying because he is obviously looking at the whole thing from a male viewpoint.

 

You're an intelligent woman. I would still be real real careful here on this one. If you were tempted to break NC or act this might warrant a big discussion but if you actually feel the way you state maybe you and your therapist might discuss this before opening up a can of worms.

[drifter777]

We are told that men think about sex every 5 seconds or something - ie they think about sex a great deal. I assume this also means that an attractive woman will potentially prompt thoughts about sex. Good men don't act on those thoughts.

 

They also don't tell their wife every time sex crosses their minds. That's what we're talking about - whether she should share her feelings of "missing the OM" with her BH.

 

I don't see how the OP thinking about her AP fondly is any worse. In fact it's less problematic as the thoughts will fade in time.

 

Wow - you don't see how missing the OM is any worse than the random thoughts of sex men have that are biologically impossible to stop? Really?

 

When H and I were a less than a year out from dday I knew he thought about OW - why wouldn't he? His thoughts might well have been mostly along the line of 'why the f*** did I got there?' but it didn't mean he wasn't still attracted to and fond of her. If he had told me he didn't I wouldn't have believed him.

 

Well, this is the OP:

 

Do any other wayward spouses have moments where they miss their AP? I feel like an absolute S@#t person for even thinking about him, but I miss him right now.

 

I'm not judging these emotions at all. I've never cheated so I don't know how I would feel given the same circumstances. However, I don't think she should ever "share" these feelings with her BH. Tough it out snowflake - you've burdened him with enough emotional destruction.

 

Side note: perhaps you would get different advice on the OM/OW forum.

[aliveagain]

Just my opinion but having good memories about someone that just about cost you to loose everything you hold dear in your world is an issue. There is nothing nice or good about a man that will pursue another mans wife. Take those memories that only you and that man share and beside each of those missed memories line up a vision of each of your beautiful children, then the best and most special memories you have with your husband. Now imagine your husband gone, imagine your children being shuffled between you and your husband and some other woman that he is now with. Wake up girl, burn those fantasy's to the ground before they interfere with your life again.

 

Find out what is really going on, get the professional help you need because you still think there was something good in having an affair, something worth remembering in a positive light that makes you miss it. Why would you want to encourage thoughts of something so destructive to your life, the life of your children who look so happy standing next to you and and your husband(referring to your photo on your header). Do not try and deal with this on your own, I have read your words and my honest suggestion is to meet with a professional. I hope I am getting through to you girl, my writing isn't always the best and many times I sound harsh but your photograph moved me. I hope it still moves you.

Edited September 27, 2017 by aliveagain