25 years on... ?

[knabe]

I completely agree with stand tall. This is NOT an affair. I repeat - this is NOT an affair.

 

Polygraphs, DNA tests, these are things men who are still gnawing on their own betrayals suggest to punish vicariously.

 

I was raped earlier in life. I kept it quiet, forced myself to be calm and forget, and even saw the rapist in public a couple of times with no reaction. Because I was traumatized and didn't know what to do.

 

Instead of questioning her story, tell her you are sorry it happened and move on.

[OneLov]

How do you deal with that loss of trust and the feeling that your partner found you somehow inadequate?

 

You educate yourself on the psychology of a rape victim. You must try to understand how human beings repress severe emotional trauma. This wasn't in the back of her mind stewing; it didn't happen. Remember the movie Men In Black? Remember the mind-erasing devices? That is what she did. You must understand your wife's reaction to this very serious crime is very normal.

 

You must find some capacity for empathy and not make this about you. Aside from her mother at the time who basically told her "forget about it," did she tell anyone else? So she did what the most influential person in any unmarried person's life at that age told her to do. At the time you were just her boyfriend, not her husband of 25 years, why would she automatically confide in you?

 

You must evaluate this in the context before this trauma was repressed. She was 22-24 years old. You were her then boyfriend. He was her friend, not some random guy she met that night. She did what any friend would do (not let a friend drive drunk), and he utterly betrayed her trust in human beings. This is earth-shattering because you cannot tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys.

 

Do not automatically insinuate that something nefarious (between them) was afoot that night. When my college girlfriend was in Australia for 6 weeks, I went out with her roommates and slept on their couch for that very same reason. I can promise you that nothing EVER happened; we were friends. I know it seems odd to some people, but guys and girls do not always end up having sex. We can be friends and respect each other too.

 

The reason she did not tell you is not because you weren't macho enough to handle it or did not trust you; she could not handle it. Thus, she kept it buried so she did not have to relive the trauma. This is why you did not pick up on it. Please cut her some slack. She is the victim. I can promise you that as bad as you may feel about this--she is feeling worse.

[OneLov]

As an aside, I think considering rape as a form of cheating is patently ignorant and rather insulting. There's no "sharing of physical intimacy" in a forcibly violent crime. I'm not a invalidating OP's feelings because they're normal, and he is too processing the trauma. But please do not give your wife the impression that being raped is a form of cheating. Please, for the sake of your relationship--don't do it.

[wmacbride]

op,

 

I know this has been difficult for you too.

 

I don't think it's your fault that she couldn't share this with you, and it doesn't mean she doesn't trust you or love you.

 

This goes way beyond anything like that. In fact, she may have even hidden it from herself.

 

Right now, your job is to be there for her, hold her, reassure her and tell her that you still love just as much as ever. It's sad, but there are women ( and

men too) who have been through what you wife has who think their spouse will no longer love them after something like this.

 

I expect this has been really hard for you, and your instinct may well be to go and wring that guy's neck. Don't do that. if you need to vent, do it here or with a trusted friend, counselor or someone else.

[drifter777]

My wife and I have gone through something similar to this. Many years ago we were asked to be in the wedding of one of her friends who had just gotten out of the army. My wife was to be matron-of-honor for a girl she had never met as he brought his fiance "home" for the wedding from another part of the country. He lured my wife to his apartment under the guise of reviewing some wedding plans. Once there he professed his long time crush on my wife & grabbed her and forcibly tried to kiss her. My wife fought him off and left. She never told me at the time because she knew I would have beaten him like a dog. Years later when she told me the story I was angry about the incident but never blamed her for his advances. I believed it happened the way she told me. The thing that bothered me was that she didn't at least tell his his bride-to-be that she was marrying a piece of $hit. To this day I'd like to punch the guy in the face but I haven't seen him since the wedding and don't expect I ever will.

 

From everything I've learned about "date-rape" I would tend to believe your wife that it happened in the way she describes. I believe on occasion women do say "no" when they mean "yes" but far more often than not, no means no. A man must respect her wishes and stop no matter how far along the consensual part of the act happens to be. She has the right to end the activity even though the man is in a position to overwhelm her and take what he wants. If he doesn't stop - it's rape from that point on.

 

Your wife may have been ok with all of this to a point and then said "no" but that is something you will never know because she will likely never tell you. However, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt, accept her version of events, and provide her with understanding and comfort. The whole truth may not be all that important if you will accept that she intended to stop him before penetration of any orifice.

 

I have to add: since my wife did cheat on me a couple years later there is a part of me that wonders if she told me the whole truth about this incident. Since she is the one who just told me about it 25 years after the fact I have no reason to doubt her. No reason other than that she's a lying cheat but, again, she didn't have to tell me the story.

Edited September 19, 2017 by drifter777

[drifter777]

As an aside, I think considering rape as a form of cheating is patently ignorant and rather insulting. There's no "sharing of physical intimacy" in a forcibly violent crime. I'm not a invalidating OP's feelings because they're normal, and he is too processing the trauma. But please do not give your wife the impression that being raped is a form of cheating. Please, for the sake of your relationship--don't do it.

 

For me, cheating is all about her making the choice to screw some guy. The choice. No woman chooses to be raped - that's why they call it rape.

[seren]

My H was the first person I told about my rape and that was some 25 years after it had happened. I too blurted it out when something happened in our life and it wasn't logical and I wasn't thinking about it. It helped me as it was the first time I acknowledged it to myself, the person who said it had been suppressed it spot on and times were different back then when a rape was reported.

 

All you can do is ask if she wants to discuss it and then listen. Sometimes when other stuff is going on bad stuff comes to the fore and her blurting it out might be a reaction to what is happening with your son. It might not make sense to you, or anyone else, but to me, it makes sense.

[mrs rubble]

I can believe her mother said that. Things were different 20+ years ago. Unless a woman was beaten up by a stranger and forcibly raped by a stranger, what happened was her fault. I was sexually assaulted on a date when I was in college. I never told anyone. I didn't report it because it happened in his apartment.

 

This ^^

 

OP. I was a rape victim 24 years 11 months and 2 day's ago.

My story is quite different to your's and your wive's. But may bring to light some understanding of some of her emotions/reactions. We're all different and no one can predict how we'll react in any circumstance.

 

My ex partner went to the pub for a night out with the boys (including 'Jane') 48 hours later he wasn't home. I got invited to go to a party with some old school mates, so went along. I was angry with my partner for ditching me and our baby, so decided to go to the party, his family looked after our baby and told me how upset they were that he'd left us to party and that I deserved a night out.

 

The party was quite raucous and not what I was expecting, my friends were more wild than I thought. One of my oldest friends brother was there, I didn't know him except for knowing he was my friends brother and he was bad news. (My rapist aka: Sh = shothard)

I wanted to leave the party, but Sh took my keys and wouldn't let me leave, I tried forcibly taking my keys back so I could go, he head butted me and knocked me unconscious, when I came to he was having sex with me.

 

I still don't remember exactly how I got myself out of there but I got myself home with a huge black eye and a whole heap of trauma.

My partner was home when I got there and asked what had happened, I told him I'd been head butted and lost consciousness, he stuck his hands down my pants and told me I'd been ficked, I confessed there and then that I'd been raped, he said if that's true we'll go to the police now. I agreed to go.

I went through all the forensic tests and police interviews, I had to give all my clothes over for testing. The police interviewed my rapist and his associates.

The police came back to me and told me even though I had visible injuries and credible evidence of my rape it was still his word against mine and it would be more painful to relive it in court and be questioned about my attire and mental state at the time. I was angry at the time that he got away with it and angry that my partner never believed me (I doubt he believes me to this day) but at the end of the day I'm glad I listened to the police and dropped the charges, no way in the world was I in a position to go through a court case and be questioned about the offence that happened to me.

 

OP: just be there for your wife, listen to her don't jump to conclusions.

[mrs rubble]

To elaborate my partner was convinced I was out to be routed while he was out with 'Jane'.

I later caught him and 'Jane' together at home under the blankets when I wasn't due home.

Sh's brother is still a good friend of mine and I've never told him what happened with his brother and I.

 

It brings back a load of bad feelings to remember all this again, but I just felt like I have to share this so you can maybe understand?

[wmacbride]

To elaborate my partner was convinced I was out to be routed while he was out with 'Jane'.

I later caught him and 'Jane' together at home under the blankets when I wasn't due home.

Sh's brother is still a good friend of mine and I've never told him what happened with his brother and I.

 

It brings back a load of bad feelings to remember all this again, but I just felt like I have to share this so you can maybe understand?

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that.

 

Op, women( and men) who have been raped all react in their own way.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, I think the OP did not like the advice he was getting and has abandoned his thread. This is a very delicate matter and I guess the OP is not qualified to handle something like this. The suddenness of something like this being revealed has probably knocked him off balance. Apart from the issue at hand it appears that his marriage was not in a good place and the revelation of this incident in the manner in which it came about has exacerbated certain suspicions that he may have been harbouring. To me it appears that his trust in his wife has been shaken and if trust is missing in a marriage I think it only leads downhill. I do hope the OP returns to at least address some of issues raised by folks responding on his thread. Warm wishes.