Potential trouble, long term? In need of insight as I'm unable to understand my GF

[agawam25]

Thanks, Downtown, that's one hell of a reply!

 

I just wanted to comment on the whole "always/never" - it seems to constantly upset her. At first it started off as something of a joke. But then she started questioning things such as me saying "I'd never hit you." She literally made fun of me for at least a week because I said that. The thing is, it's the one thing I have never done in a relationship and I'd never do either. Long story short, a childhood trauma I have made me make a decision a long time ago that I would never, ever consider even giving a subtlest of hints that I could use my physical strength against my partner. To me, it would mean the end of said relationship as well as a loss of a major part of who I am. So yeah, I think I can say I'd never hit her. Yet she was so dismissive and then offended by my use of "never" as a word to the point of absurdity with the whole selfie thing.

[agawam25]

...you can simply make the choice that any healthy man would––to date healthy women. This assumes you have enough self-esteem to believe you're worthy and deserve such a relationship. You can't fix it, you have to save yourself.

 

But how do you recognise a woman is healthy? I know this sounds like the simplest of things, but this is not my first brush with similar behaviour...

 

I have the self-esteem. I don't know if I have the tools needed not to attract and be attracted to this particular type of woman.

 

Plus there's also a matter of feelings. My feelings are already deep for this woman in particular. Given that it's not my first rodeo, though...

[ExpatInItaly]

Speaking of mental issues... Anyone with any experience with similar behaviour? What could cause this?

 

Yes, my ex often behaved just like this. He suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. And he was hiding someone (a couple someones, actually)

 

Great fun that was.

 

You are looking at warning signs of trouble ahead. Regardless of the cause, do you want to be in a relationship that's so baffling and tumultuous, at only 4 months in?

[Caramelpopcorn]

Only 4 months and you're having major fights like this!? That's the honeymoon phase! Honestly something about her seems so odd right from the get go, I'm not sure why but even you describing her set me off and put me on edge.

 

Take a step back and let things slow down again. Also no matter how much she tries, stop talking about the selfie. Stop entertaining her. She seems like she loves drama and loves to fight? Refuse to be a part of it.

 

Don't add her back on Facebook either, let her request you and then ignore it a few days. Keep yourself busy too, I honestly dislike her just reading about her.

[limichelle]

Hi,

 

Maybe I can shed some light? I'm bipolar and I take medication that works awesome for me! If I wasn't on medication I still don't think I would over react too a selfie, I honestly don't. The illness does affect people differently though.

 

Sometimes people who are mentally ill don't have good interpersonal communication skills and need extensive therapy. This is why lots of people with my illness or worse aren't in relationships very long.

 

I'm one of those that can sustain a relationship along with some others that have the illness as well that I know of.

 

Still mentally ill or not. There is no reason for verbal abuse! So I won't make excuses for her there. What I can suggest is that you keep not giving into her game playing. Also giving her this space is good for you to really think about staying with someone like this.

 

What's worse is she doesn't sound diagnosed. So she doesn't have any insight.

 

Just remember to be true to you. She will just have to get over it.

 

Lisa

[agawam25]

Thank you all for your responses, they were very enlightening. In particular, thanks to those who are dealing with psychological issues or have (had) a partner who was dealing with those. I unfortunately have some experience, like I said, with both my mother and my previous partners who have had difficulties. But each person is different, and sometimes these things don't surface until later in the relationship.

 

Here, I'm not sure how much of it is a matter of character alone, and how much are actual issues. I don't really have a problem learning about and understanding that certain things trigger someone to react in an irrational, emotional way. That I could handle. What I'm struggling with is the fact that I obviously seek validation from such a person who exhibits such behaviour, which is something I must have learned at an early age. Those things, as you know, are tough to shake off.

 

An update: she's been struggling with what is in all honesty an immense amount of work all week. This weekend, she has an assignment that will take up a lot of her time as her teammates are basically incompetent or unwilling to do their bit, and then she has to go on a work-related trip for two days where basically the same workload awaits, except in a different town. She's been obviously very tired for weeks now. My work-wise, I also have things to do, but I'm handling it better and I'm also going through an easier phase at my main place of employment so I'm a bit more casual about it. Over the years, I've learned how to prioritise and to handle the stress of my profession, so I'm also pretty good at not bringing any of that home but the result of that is often the fact that the other person doesn't necessarily know how much work I actually do every day (you don't get to where I'm at professionally if you haven't been doing your work, folks).

 

Anyway, yesterday we went out to meet up with a friend of hers, weren't drinking but had a great time. I slept over at her place as it was late and we were really happy to be together and were in a really good mood.

 

This morning I wake up to a sour face. No good morning, no nothing. I apparently snored and it kept her up so she was pissed. Now, this I find to be normal - some people don't deal well with snoring. I don't really snore unless I'm extremely tired or sick and I think I've picked up a cold. She's been upset all morning and didn't let me edge in a word as I was leaving which would allow me to explain that I'm feeling a bit off. She then sent me a message saying, "Sorry, but I really didn't get enough sleep and I'm not feeling well and you don't seem to see it." That's what got to me. Of course I see it. Of course I'm worried about her and I try to make things easier for her. Or show her through small acts of kindness that I'm there for her. While on the other hand she didn't ask me how I felt and like I said, I'm a bit off. I think it bothers her that I seem so casual about my work and my obligations and I think she's transferring her frustration onto me and this is just a good excuse to do so.

 

My question is, how do I make her stop doing that? How do I let her know that picking menial fights with me is the result of the stress she's under and not my behaviour?

[Downtown]

My question is, how do I make her stop doing that?

You don't -- not if you decide that she is exhibiting strong BPD traits. When an adult has the emotional skills of a four year old, she is unable to regulate her own emotions. This means she frequently experiences emotions so intense that they greatly distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. Simply stated, a BPDer truly believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Her subconscious is projecting her own bad thoughts and painful feelings onto you.

[act00]

I'm inclined to think she's unhappy with this relationship and she's lashing out as a result. This isn't a conscious act, necessarily. Some of it might be conscious in that she is wondering what's wrong with her. Here's this great guy who hits all her major check points on her mental list of Mr. Right, and it's just not working for her. You do have some great times together, and she keeps trying to make it work, but something...something...keeps crawling under her skin and she gets moody and lashes out, sometimes at the dumbest things. The situation really could be as simple as something that was mentioned early on; she's hoping you break it off with her so that she doesn't have to do it, and again, this could be largely subconscious.

 

Honestly, she's all over the map, and at this point, the fact that you breathe air can set her off, and I think you have the signs that it's time to release her. You don't have the time or the energy to bounce around all over her moods and her becoming volatile over some innocuous thing that happened years ago. It's unfortunate because you two seemed to have a nice little setup going and I'm rather envious of the good parts. It will happen again with someone who is really into you.

 

You mention her stressful job, and I think about how we, as humans, will lash out at people closest to us. They don't leave. They are safe. But these people are not our punching bags, and even they have a breaking point. If she's lashing out at you purely because her job is stressful, she needs to make necessary changes. You can tell her this. Whether you stick around to see if she can make this change is up to you, but at the end of the day, she just seems really not that into you and a little unhinged.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't -- not if you decide that she is exhibiting strong BPD traits. When an adult has the emotional skills of a four year old, she is unable to regulate her own emotions. This means she frequently experiences emotions so intense that they greatly distort her perception of your intentions and motivations. Simply stated, a BPDer truly believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Her subconscious is projecting her own bad thoughts and painful feelings onto you.

 

Absolutely agree, with all of the above.

 

OP, you can't make her stop this. You can tell her until you're blue in the face that these fights are not your fault. If she is BPD, it won't make a lick of a difference.

[agawam25]

I swear to God I'm not thick...

 

But it's like there's a switch in my head that's not letting me process things right in this particular case.

 

Here's a new one: so after this morning we exchanged a few messages. I had a crappy morning regardless and I could sense she was on edge all day. At some point, I asked, "We're cool, right?" To which she replied with "**** you." So I said, it's a reasonable question given the circumstances. "Tell me what's so ****ing reasonable about that question." We had a ****ty morning, both of us. "I didn't have a ****ty morning, no one died." So I said okay and left it at that because, no point arguing any further, as you can tell.

 

May I remind you that this is a 30+ year old woman we're talking about...

 

What's with the full-fledged denial that yeah, we had a ****ty morning, and that like any normal human being, it's okay for me to calmly and reasonably ask how she feels about it? Verbal abuse, too... What the actual ****.

Edited September 15, 2017 by agawam25
Edited out a personal detail.

[agawam25]

Yes, I have experience with similar behavior in a LTR. She would come uncorked over minute issues and become extremely hostile and rude. And, she picked many fights involving FB pics. I rarely allow a photo of myself to be posted on FB for a variety of reasons and was continually accused of "making sure no trace of our relationship existed". Her words, verbatim.

 

My now-ex girlfriend's words verbatim. She accused me of hiding her from my friends and actually insisted that I count my friends vs. her friends that we introduced each other to. This came a week after she literally (I mean literally) ran away from me introducing her to two of my friends at a very public social function. I asked my friend to tell me whether she thought my gf vanished (as I didn't see her leave while I was saying hi) and she confirmed it. I asked my gf why she left and she said that I "took too long to say hi."

 

Oh, and she lost it over the fact that my father invited me over so that we can have a personal conversation about his financial situation (something he has never done before - confided in me about his finances so I knew it would be a difficult situation for him to talk about in front of someone he had just met). She wanted to come along and I told her very nicely that I know my dad and that I want to allow him to open up (which, like I said, he almost never does) and that he'll otherwise feel like he needs to entertain her, etc. So after I asked for a raincheck and promised I'd take her next time we're all available, she lost it and started spamming me on Messenger about "the score."

 

So, this past weekend we were supposed to go to an event in another town that's a bit of a drive away from where we live. Last Saturday I tried to talk to her about this whole number of friends situation, and she was so sour and unpleasant that I left her place and went back to my apartment to get some sleep. I couldn't bring myself to stay there as it became suffocating. So the next day she called me over and I told her I felt I had a fever, but I brushed it off. By the time I got to her the fever was in full swing and she got upset at me being sick (very passive-aggressively, saying things like "You don't take good care of yourself and I told you this would happen" etc.) So I kind of went along because I was sick and hey, she's not saying anything wrong but was becoming more upset because her tone was bothering me and it didn't seem like genuine concern but that it was rather staged. So one thing led to another and we were in full argument mode and after she said something along the lines of "Why don't you have your tea and leave if you're unwilling to listen to me" I just picked up and left.

 

Fast forward two days later, I missed her and we were communicating okay and she came over to my place and we had sex and I finally got some sleep. I know, wrong thing to do. But my mind was all over the place. The fog had set in once again... So we were kind of on the mend. But then the next day we met and she was horribly displeased and wouldn't even bother listening to how my day went. Left my place in a hurry next morning. So I messaged her and said "Look, you're off, you're not admitting to it, but going back to being displeased and leaving like that is setting off alarms in my head and you're not saying or doing anything to show me that you actually think otherwise." Anyway, the event this weekend. So a while ago I promised I'd come along and on the day she left in a hurry I told her, look, I'm still sick, I don't feel like driving or getting on a train for 7 hours, and I don't think I could endure the event either so why don't you go on your own, let's use the time to think about everything that's happened over the course of the past couple of weeks and talk about it when you get back."

 

Holy. ****. Did I open a can of worms there. So after literally ordering me to go with her (to which I said "no," of course), she got there on Friday and she basically spent the entire day first asking me to come there on Saturday, telling me that she needed me, that it's an actual need, that I either show up or we're done, etc. So I told her, you're bullying me, you're giving me an ultimatum and I refuse to participate in that kind of behaviour.

 

On Saturday she sent me a few messages including "Goodbye my love." Of course, she later tried to berate me further via messages, saying how I promised her I'd go, how I went back on my promise, how I failed her, etc.

 

She didn't contact me for a couple of days and then today she sent me a series of messages implying that as a single woman who's out of town, she was very uncomfortable at the event, practically scared for her safety, and that she felt powerless to turn down any potential suitors or drunken guests, etc. I asked her if something happened because she was raising an alarm and she said no (after telling me to go **** myself, go suck my own dick, etc.). So I said, okay, well, you made a choice to go and I'm not responsible for that, I told you 24h in advance about my decision and now please stop contacting me because it's over and it's harassment. To ease your minds, she was invited there by a close friend so she knew at least some people, and judging by the photos, she had an okay time and is basically full of ****.

 

Anyway, I feel like I owe a couple of you an apology for not listening to your advice. Now I worry she'll keep harassing me until I call the cops on her (which would be a first, believe me)...

[OatsAndHall]

Well, this is a hard lesson to learn but it is a good one, nonetheless. Honestly, I can only shake my head when I think back to the LTR that I described. There were so many obvious signs of dysfunction and mental instability on her part but I ignored them. I allowed myself to continually get sucked back into the relationship because she swore she would change but she never did.

 

One night, I had gotten off of work and stopped by her place for an hour or so to eat dinner and spend some time with her. But, I was tired and stressed out from the day and just wanted to go for a walk and then go home and unwind as the day had been miserable. As soon as I got home, I was bombarded with nasty texts from her about 'using her' and other accusations. I told her that I wouldn't talk to her when she was behaving like that so she showed up at my house. More drama ensued, I asked her to leave and she refused. I finally told her that I would call the cops and have her removed so she finally took off. I told her we were through and not to contact me anymore.

 

I got a text from right after that had suicidal overtones to it so I called the cops and had them do a safety check on her as I wasn't going to go over there and feed into any of her bullchit. The cops checked on her, she lied through her teeth, they left it be and so did I.

 

But, she showed up the next day, sobbing and apologizing profusely and I took her back. So began a long roller-coaster of bullchit.

Edited December 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[agawam25]

An update: we're finally, honest to God, done.

 

Here's what she did in the meantime:

 

-Got upset at me for working too much (despite the fact that she knew way ahead when I was unavailable and was privy to my schedule, and despite the fact that I was making an effort to clear my schedule to see her almost every day);

 

-Got upset at me for feeling horrible about losing a close friend of mine who happens to be family of an ex; told me she couldn't listen to me talking about him after about 10-20 minutes of me trying to explain to her why I care about this particular person;

 

-Got upset at me for wanting to go to his funeral on my own because "I didn't feel like introducing her to my ex and her family." (My ex wasn't present and the person in question committed suicide so it was way too grim and difficult already and I didn't want the added pressure of showing up to a funeral with someone new);

 

-Found photos of the funeral and accused me of not going there with my friends (I was standing next to my ex's mother - we've remained on good terms and oddly enough have a relatively decent, respectful relationship still. The lady asked me to stand next to her as her husband - my ex's father -

wasn't there.)

 

-Got upset at the fact that I asked her to be alone on a couple of nights after the funeral. I wasn't feeling alright with the fact that this person had committed suicide and I didn't feel like being around anyone, her included. I obviously didn't feel comfortable feeling bad around her after she got upset that I wanted to share this person's life with her;

 

-Suddenly became extremely sexual. We had sex literally every night. All kinds of sex, too - anything I wanted to do, she was up for it. Strange because right before our relationship went on a downward spiral, she was really not into it to the point where in the month leading up to our first breakup, we had sex maybe four or five times;

 

-Would use sex to berate me during fights - claiming her sole purpose "shouldn't be to blow me so I could sleep better";

 

-Would then literally beg me for sex the next day;

 

-Got upset that I didn't take her to my dad's for Christmas. I made last-minute plans, basically got two hours off of work to go have lunch. A cousin picked me up from work and she got upset that "I could make plans with my cousin, but not her." She was at work herself at the time.

 

-Got upset that I was feeling bad about a coworker having a miscarriage in her eight month of pregnancy. Got upset that I bought candy for my boss who was deeply shaken by the news about our coworker because "You know your boss's preferences, but not mine." (Not true, of course.) Got upset that I was 20 minutes late for lunch with her and a colleague of hers because my boss called me to ask me if I knew any good ob-gyns as the doctors at the hospital were unable to deliver the miscarried baby. "So, you had two kids of your own and you know all about childbirth?" (I do investigative work and I know all types of people, thus my boss calling me for any info.) Berated me and humiliated me in front of her coworker, which is when I finally left.

 

-Promised she'd get better at communicating things. Said she couldn't feel for my coworker as she "didn't meet her and doesn't know her." Wow.

 

-Finally, got upset that I posted a photo of two friends of mine on Instagram, claiming that "I post photos of friends, but not her." Deleted me from all of her social media sites. When confronted with the fact that it's an immature thing to do, she said that she did it for me, so I don't have to feel the need to involve her in my life anymore. Still wanted to carry on with our relationship after that.

 

-Got upset that I slept in on Saturday and didn't answer my phone until noonish. Despite the fact that I was down with a fever (again) the night before. Told me all sorts of things later that night via messages, like the fact that I'm going to cheat on her and that when I do, she'd rather find out from me than my friends. I found that to be particularly tasteless and insulting, as I never gave her any reason to think that I would do such a thing. I don't even know why we were still talking after the Instagram incident, but hey. Call me thickheaded.

 

-Insisted on the fact that she'd rather be the ******* than admit that we are far from a good fit. Asked for me to come over and offered to come to my place. I rejected and told her to leave me alone. In the meantime, she posted a photo on her Instagram of her yanking a dog around (she was walking a neighbour's dog that's about twice her size and playful) with the caption "Me in a relationship #warning".

 

So, WHAT THE ACTUAL ****?

Edited January 16, 2018 by agawam25

[agawam25]

I rarely allow a photo of myself to be posted on FB for a variety of reasons and was continually accused of "making sure no trace of our relationship existed". Her words, verbatim.

 

I was reading through some of the responses and I had to point this out: this literally happened. She said the exact same words in the exact same context. I was explaining how there are almost no photos of my private life bar perhaps two or three with friends and colleagues in social situations, and she accused me of the exact same thing. Wow.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is not going anywhere good.

 

Just a comment on your behaviour: you seem to have lots of female friends and exes hanging around, dealing with their emotional problems, buying them candy etc. You may not mean anything by it but for someone that has been burned before it may come off as a red flag.

[agawam25]

Just a comment on your behaviour: you seem to have lots of female friends and exes hanging around, dealing with their emotional problems, buying them candy etc. You may not mean anything by it but for someone that has been burned before it may come off as a red flag.

 

I think I'm 75:25 in terms of male vs. female friends. Then again, we're talking about a female coworker, a female boss and one ex, where the situation revolved around a family member of hers I was close with and not her in particular. So... To me, this is normal. In the case of my now ex-girlfriend, her selection of friends was almost exclusively male. Didn't bother me one bit, but I do get that we're all different...

[kassy]

Time to get some counseling so you can work out how to stop seeking people with mental issues that they do not have under control. You seem to be dating the same person over and over again.

 

Also while it's commendable that you date people and take their issues as they are... This sounds like a totally horrible relationship. You need to learn to pull the plug sooner.

 

Go sort yourself out and then day someone who is more balanced and can appreciate what a wonderful guy you seem to be. Don't settle for a lifetime of this!

[agawam25]

 

Go sort yourself out and then day someone who is more balanced and can appreciate what a wonderful guy you seem to be. Don't settle for a lifetime of this!

 

Thank you Kassy, that's really kind of you. As for a therapist, I do have one, but she tends to be very laissez faire. She thinks I've already improved a lot given my past experiences. And hey, six-seven months until breakup is still better than almost ten years, right?

[Buriall]

Four major fights in four months? That's not normal. That's not how it's supposed to be.

 

Why go through this hell, and more to the point, why try to stick around in this hell? When someone tells you they need "space," put them out of your life. Why? Because it's a passive-aggressive bullsh** tactic. What they really mean is that they don't want to be with you any more, but they can't bring themselves to say it, so they're hoping you'll take the hint, and hopefully, that you'll break things off for them.

 

So do them that favor and kick them out of your life.

 

All this time and effort you're putting into fixing what can't be fixed would be better invested in finding someone new.

 

I obsoluletly agree with this.

 

My last ex asked for space, and I did what she asked of me...while I'm suffering from pain of what I did wrong and drove myself crazy...20 days later she emails me wanting to work things out...stupid me ofcourse took her back..

 

This all happened after i took her back..I find out later she met with a potential, I'm assuming she's been talking to.him while we were still together..so she fought with me with some lame ass argument and made me look like the bad guy..

 

My point, from now on when my partner asks for a space I will do myself a favor and dissappear from their life completely. I'm also grateful for this experience because I've learned ALOT..

[kassy]

Thank you Kassy, that's really kind of you. As for a therapist, I do have one, but she tends to be very laissez faire. She thinks I've already improved a lot given my past experiences. And hey, six-seven months until breakup is still better than almost ten years, right?

 

If you don't think you are getting the help you need from your therapist then it's time to find another one. Even if they were initially helpful, maybe you need a new approach to take things to the next level. I'm not sure if that's what you meant by this or if you are happy with the therapist.

 

Agree you stuck it out too long but it certainly could have been worse ?

 

Best of luck! Hopefully you will meet someone great soon!

[agawam25]

If you don't think you are getting the help you need from your therapist then it's time to find another one. Even if they were initially helpful, maybe you need a new approach to take things to the next level. I'm not sure if that's what you meant by this or if you are happy with the therapist.

 

Actually, I'm only going for maintenance sessions these days, but she's the best one around and the therapy has been helpful. In essence, she claims there's nothing wrong with bar some childhood issues and bad relationship patterns. But yeah, I've been thinking about getting a second opinion. In any case, I do believe that something in my personality leaves too much room for relationships that devolve into the kind I've been describing in this post. Wish I knew what it was and how to put a stop to it.