Are Monogamous LTRs Still Possible?

[TunaInTheBrine]

 

Personally, as a purely LTR person, I can't imagine being interested in a LTR with someone whose first priority is physical appearance or money, nor can most of the LTR-oriented people I know (regardless of gender or their own appearance/wealth). I wouldn't care about height, but this attitude would definitely be a dealbreaker for me.

 

I never said those things were my first priority. The things that matter the most to me are in the relationship itself.

 

LOADS of people will list a ton of expectations they have about a prospective partner. These same people typically never give anyone a chance beyond the first date because of the stupidest things. I'm not one of those types, but I've dated plenty of them.

 

If my only criteria were looks and success, I could have settled plenty of times. But looks and success are my minimum criteria, because they suggest someone who is similar to me in lifestyle (e.g. cares to optimize their appearance and overall health, is educated, driven, motivated, etc...). What is so bad about that? Don't tell me that women don't want men who are attractive and successful for different reasons. For both of us, it's not looks and money itself, but the qualities that often accompany those things. I would not want to be with someone who didn't take care of themselves, wasn't passionate about what they did with their life, had no ambition or education, and didn't think about their appearance much. Would you?

 

To me, the rest is negotiable. I'm more interested in discovering what is unique about each person and what is unique about each relationship, rather than having some shopping list that I hold up to everyone I go out with. This is why you don't see me listing a bunch of criteria about who a person *should* be. I'd rather get to know women for who they are. But yes, I do expect to be with someone who is physically attractive and successful in some way.

 

I've known tons of women, and *gasp* I've been in several LTRs in my history (one for 5 years, another 2 years) when more women seemed to want monogamy and, strangely, I was less attractive and had zero money.

 

If you actually knew me in real life, not from behind a computer screen, I believe you'd have a very different impression than the one you seemed to react to.

Edited September 8, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[TunaInTheBrine]

I don't think you're getting what relationships are actually like, REAL relationships. No one will check out all the boxes, just like you won't check all the boxes for them. I know how shallow this could sound, but I wouldn't date someone who isn't at least 6 FT tall, and this could bite me in the ass later.

 

You need to give other women a chance, even if they're not exactly what you want cause maybe what you want is not even real at all. Slim or making lots of money is something that can change with time. Keep that in mind.

 

I do believe I understand relationships, actually. My work centers around relationships. And I've had several LTRs in the past. But as Bob Dylan sang, the times they are a changin'.... and I've had a combination of bad luck and bad choices. But I do get what real love is about.

 

And regarding giving other women a chance, I'm actually quite open minded, but yes, I do expect physical attraction and some kind of success. Don't you? Would you date someone who is out of shape, works a job they barely tolerate "just to get by," or isn't passionate about anything? When I hear that I need to lower my standards, this is what I picture.

 

You're correct that looks and success are things can change with time, but hey, we need something to attract us.

 

The last woman I was in love with, I used to think to myself that I could love her even if she turned into a marshmallow. I could see her start to age, and she made around half of what I did, but I could've cared less. You could say that it was her looks that attracted me when we met, her personality that engaged me and kept me coming back to learn more, and her soul that melted my heart and made me forget about all other women. I would have loved her for the rest of my days if she had let me. She had a lot of flaws that I learned about, which only made me love her more. I really believed she was the one...

 

I'm not going to rant about her or the relationship here, but I say all of this just so you know, I am not a shallow guy at all. I just want someone who is somewhat in the same range as me, and then hope that we are both a good match when it comes to building a real relationship.

Edited September 8, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[2much4]

I think the problem is you're only looking for career orriented women. You earn a lot yourself, so why should your partner earn just as much? That limits your options quite drastically.

 

I'm not saying you should compromise on looks, intelligence or education. But there are plenty of intelligent/educated people who don't get paid a lot.

[Kellens]

Hi Tuna,

 

I have heard of younger women these days who don't necessarily believe in monogamy, I'm from NYC, so perhaps this is more of a city thing? However, I don't hear this from women in their 30's. What is the age range that you typically go after? I'm guessing that you are around 33-34? If you are dating women under 30 perhaps that is where the problem lies.. if you are sticking to around your age then I am not sure what the problem is.

 

From the way that you write, I am sensing that you are a good guy. I don't fault you for wanting someone who you find attractive, you have the right to go after what you want. I also had a traumatic upbringing, came from nothing and have built myself up, not as high as you but enough to where I feel good about myself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had the qualities of my parents or any of the people that I grew up around so I can understand you wanting your partner to be successful.

 

I do think you might be going after the same kind of person, as other posters have said, who might have a personality trait that you are attracted to but this trait might be what makes them leave you/cheat or anything else. I'm not sure what can help you but I think you can broaden your search a little bit. I don't mean look for someone less attractive or successful but maybe someone with a different personality type? I know its hard to veer from what we are attracted to but maybe if you skew your parameters a little bit from the norm you'll find results? You seem open and honest, I hope you find what you're looking for!

[TunaInTheBrine]

I think the problem is you're only looking for career orriented women. You earn a lot yourself, so why should your partner earn just as much? That limits your options quite drastically.

 

I'm not saying you should compromise on looks, intelligence or education. But there are plenty of intelligent/educated people who don't get paid a lot.

 

I would definitely consider someone who is intelligent/educated successful. I earn well over $100k and would have no problem being with someone who is say, a writer, and makes half of what I do or less.

 

Socioeconomic status is not just about income. It also includes education, cultural values, etc... But I wouldn't marry a café barista, unless she was wildly passionate about something in her hobby life that she couldn't get paid to turn into a career.

[TunaInTheBrine]

Hi Tuna,

 

I have heard of younger women these days who don't necessarily believe in monogamy, I'm from NYC, so perhaps this is more of a city thing? However, I don't hear this from women in their 30's. What is the age range that you typically go after? I'm guessing that you are around 33-34? If you are dating women under 30 perhaps that is where the problem lies.. if you are sticking to around your age then I am not sure what the problem is.

 

From the way that you write, I am sensing that you are a good guy. I don't fault you for wanting someone who you find attractive, you have the right to go after what you want. I also had a traumatic upbringing, came from nothing and have built myself up, not as high as you but enough to where I feel good about myself. I wouldn't want to be with someone who had the qualities of my parents or any of the people that I grew up around so I can understand you wanting your partner to be successful.

 

I do think you might be going after the same kind of person, as other posters have said, who might have a personality trait that you are attracted to but this trait might be what makes them leave you/cheat or anything else. I'm not sure what can help you but I think you can broaden your search a little bit. I don't mean look for someone less attractive or successful but maybe someone with a different personality type? I know its hard to veer from what we are attracted to but maybe if you skew your parameters a little bit from the norm you'll find results? You seem open and honest, I hope you find what you're looking for!

 

Yup. I'm 33. I typically date women around my age, so I'm not sure what the problem is either. It seems to be the consensus that I'm going after the same type of women who have bad traits. I do think I've tended to attract narcissistic women, but I've worked on this a lot in therapy and haven't let anyone new into my life in a while who is like this. The woman I went out with last night...as soon as she expressed a sincere interest in non-monogamy, I was done (and she was 32, by the way). Maybe it's just my personal experience, but I've noticed that women who thrive on novelty experiences (regular travel, daring adventures, etc...) are more likely to learn toward the non-monogamy spectrum or be serial cheaters. I do live in a city too, which makes finding monogamy a little harder probably. I'd just like to meet a nice gal who I feel physically attracted to and is interesting to talk to. The rest I can work with.

 

I don't know, guys. I'll keep trying and putting myself out there, but I've had this feeling for a while now I'm going to be one of those people who is still single well into old age and dies alone. It's a bad feeling, but I can see it happening.

Edited September 8, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine

[sandylee1]

Of course physical attraction is important. Nobody would say to be with someone you aren't attracted to.

 

Maybe you should join a higher end dating agency or site.

[2much4]

Maybe it's just my personal experience, but I've noticed that women who thrive on novelty experiences (regular travel, daring adventures, etc...) are more likely to learn toward the non-monogamy spectrum or be serial cheaters.

 

While I disagree about the serial cheater part, the first one actually makes sense. Non-monogamy is also about novelty experience....

 

Sometimes dating outside your type really helps. I am very adventurous myself, but I tend to have better relationships with calm men. They balance me out and keep me in check. While I would prefer an adventurous man on paper, it would probably be too much of a good thing.

Edited September 8, 2017 by 2much4

[Chilli]

I agree 100%. People don't give each other chances anymore. It's brutal. Fortunately, I don't buy it. I actually believe in giving relationships a chance and putting in effort. Still waiting for someone to offer the same in return who wants to go the distance with me.

 

See these qualities are easy to spot in a women before it even goes anywhere , so if she doesn't have it just keep walkin. don't waste your time getting involved or even bothering,

Edited September 8, 2017 by Chilli

[Popsicle]

I have friends like the women you describe. They all want to settle down but won't do so with a man if she thinks she can do better than him, but she will continue to see him in some compacity.

 

A woman who outright tells you and who thinks that she's into open relationships is one who feels REALLY hopeless about her prospects of ever finding "the one". Some women do become hopeless about monogamy but she won't see that as a bad thing because at least she's having fun, when the alternative is to do and have nothing. I see a lot men with this attitude too.

[elaine567]

See these qualities are easy to spot in a women before it even goes anywhere , so if she doesn't have it just keep walkin. don't waste your time getting involved or even bothering,

 

Agreed.

 

TITB, you are probably giving "no hopers" a huge chance as they tick your looks and success boxes.

So you will always be disappointed, because people rarely change.

 

It is like many women on here who stick on in there after being told by the man that he doesn't want a relationship. Her ego tells her that he will want a relationship eventually as "I am awesome" and "I am so good to him", but it doesn't often play out the way she wants. She gives 100%, he barely gives her anything as a relationship was never on the cards as far as he was concerned.

Instead of walking away early doors, she tries to make the impossible work and she gets burned in the process.

[ManInMN]

A serious and monogamous relationship isn't a realistic goal for men or for women in this day and age, especially if under the age of 40. People will say they want monogamy and lasting relationships. They may even believe it themselves, but we live in a world of diminished attention spans and instant gratification. Luckily for those romantics at heart there are always exceptions to the rule, rare though they may be.